Fug File: Fug Madness

Fug Madness 2014, Round Two: Bjork Bracket, Top Half


 

(1) KIM KARDASHIAN vs. (8) BEYONCE

As Heather pointed out on Saturday, this worked out nicely: It’s Ye’s lady versus Jay’s. I feel like Beyonce and Jay Z spend a LOT of their time complaining about how Kanye has made them Kardashian-adjacent. I, in fact,  just read that they are considering not attending the Kimye nuptials because they don’t want to end up on KUWTK, which — let’s be real — they TOTALLY WOULD. Kris Jenner will force E! to use two seconds of half-hearted footage of Beyonce wishing Kim an anemic best on her wedding day. That said, I think they should suck it up and go — Kanye is (allegedly) their friend, and sometimes you have to agree to let E! cameras film you pretend to be happy for your friend when you attend his ridic Versailles wedding.

ANYWAY.

Bag may have lost to Lady Gaga, but Bag Owner lives on:

I am endlessly amused that we’ve never seen her carry that again. Poor North is going to have nightmares about that bag, I fear.  And Kim may have PTSD from the stages of her pregnancy where Kanye was (allegedly) refusing to let her wear maternity clothes and forced her to go out in the likes of this:

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Fug Madness 2014, Round Two: Cher Bracket, Bottom Half


As a refresher: The photos and links in each matchup post are NOT the only outfits eligible; rather, they’re a representative sample of the body of work. Polls close after 24 hours. Have fun!

Jump to: Sarah Paulson vs. January Jones · Fug Madness FAQ
 

(11) NICOLE SCHERZINGER vs. (14) MADONNA

I always catch myself forgetting WHY Nicole Scherzinger is still a thing, since society as a whole seems to have rejected any music from her that wasn’t from the Pussycat Dolls (and even then…). And then I remember that she’s somehow gotten herself embroiled in The X-Factor in England, which I guess makes sense, because she is a person who MUST have an unquantifiable X-Factor that keeps her in the public eye.

At least she’s wearing a big hat?

Speaking of someone with an X-factor:

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Fug Madness 2014, Round Two: Madonna Bracket, Bottom Half


 

(2) JESSIE J vs. (10) MALIN AKERMAN

Two lovers of jumpsuits enter, one lover of jumpsuits leaves! First up, Jessie J:

Her lipstick makes her face look dead. But Malin’s jumpsuit makes her head look like it’s on backwards:

Hard to say which is worse, but that’s why we’re all here.

Jessie J has an enviable depth of fug to be mined — the Fug Madness equivalent of the tournament’s “strength of schedule” qualifier. Look at all these oufits we haven’t even talked about yet! This is just a tiny tube and a skirt:

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Fug Madness 2014, Round Two: Charo Bracket, Top Half


As a refresher: The photos are merely a representative sample of the body of work; all outfits from the post-Oscars 2013 to post-Oscars 2014 period are eligible. Polls close after 24 hours; clear your cache and vote often, and if you like to research your choices — on our site, Getty Images, Google, whatever — have at it. If you missed Round One and need a primer on how all this works, peruse the FAQ

Jump to: Kristen Wiig vs. Zosia Mamet
 

(1) RIHANNA vs. (8) JESSICA BIEL

Well, this Jessica Biel outfit wasn’t in our sub, so I’m forced to link to it. If you don’t click, let me sum up: Square translucent sleeves and only half a skirt — meaning, a peplum on her left, and knee-length on her right. Yeah. It happened.

As did this:

I know it was the Met Ball, and the theme was rock-and-roll, but… not only is this not a great fit with that, but you can’t give her any kind of costumey pass on the leggings because we already know she’s prepared to wear see-through pants in real life:

DON’T HUDGENS YOURSELF. Justin’s eyes are so glassy. He knows. HE KNOWS. And he fears.

And he SHOULD fear:

You don’t have to compete with Beyonce, kid. You’re both lovely women, but trying to out-cray Beyonce is like bringing a butter knife to a bayonet fight. You just end up looking sad. Although it’s easier for you to eat butter, so there’s that.

Biel did wear some things that were not transparent, like this questionable skirt on a Dior gown (although I’d kill for J.Lawr to get anything that questionable), and some questionable shoulder frosting, and this questionable matador-ish pantsuit:

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Fug Madness 2014, Round Two: Bjork Bracket, Bottom Half


 

As a refresher: The photos are merely a representative sample of the body of work; all outfits from the post-Oscars 2013 to post-Oscars 2014 period are eligible. Polls close after 24 hours; clear your cache and vote often, and if you like to research your choices — on our site, Getty Images, Google, whatever — have at it. If you missed Round One and need a primer on how all this works, peruse the FAQ.

(3) ZOE SALDANA vs. (11) VANESSA HUDGENS

This is a battle of two people I actually really like, and who both actually have a fair amount of personal style, even if we don’t always think said style is GOOD. One who often manages to pull off totally hideous stuff that would look insane on lesser women, and one who always at least seems charming and likeable in the hideous stuff she’s not quite pulling off.

Let’s kick off with Zoe. Who looks about as thrilled to be showing us her navel as I was to see it:

Her entire expression says, “I really wish I’d decided against this boob flap monstrosity.”

Vanessa, here, appears to be pretending that these pants are not even happening:

I wish we could all pretend THIS skirt didn’t happen:

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Fug Madness 2014, Round Two: Cher Bracket, Top Half


As a refresher: The photos are merely a representative sample of the body of work; all outfits from the post-Oscars 2013 to post-Oscars 2014 period are eligible. Polls close after 24 hours; clear your cache and vote often, and if you like to research your choices — on our site, Getty Images, Google, whatever — have at it. If you missed Round One and need a primer on how all this works, peruse the FAQ

 Jump to Olivia Munn vs. Kristen Stewart
(1) MILEY CYRUS vs. (8) JENNIFER MORRISON

Let’s lead off with Jennifer’s best pitch:

First, I keep mistakenly thinking those are see-through bellbottoms. Second, it doesn’t matter, because the whole thing is such a dumb look for a grown woman that it’s giving me Flames On The Side Of My Face syndrome. Third, she is wasting her head. Fourth, no. Fifth, we’re done here.

Miley, for her part, showed up at that event looking like the very glamorous foyer of an expensive building, and then showed up elsewhere dressed as a belt rack:

She CANNOT be able to sit down safely in that, right? And yet, weirdly, the most annoying part of this — besides the discordant shoes — is the fact that the shirt can’t even stay CENTERED. If you’re going to be all naked and fugly and stuff, at LEAST be well-made.

Jennifer here also opts against hemming her pants, or wearing attractive ones:

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