Want to jump to Nicki Minaj v. Chloe? DO IT.


Before we get to the Kards, I must note that the first round battle between Tracee Ellis Ross and Ciara was SO CLOSE. Ciara ended up winning it by a mere 51 votes, and the lead changed MULTIPLE TIMES. It was thrilling! And now, the question is, does she have enough gas left in the tank to take down Kimothy, Khloathon, and Kourtiam??

My main response to Ciara is usually “Oh my GOD, Ciara is beautiful.” Like, GORGEOUS, even in this terrifying concoction:

Billboard Music Awards, Arrivals, Las Vegas, USA - 20 May 2018

And her head and body look GREAT in this but also I think it’s just a belted wind-breaker?

American Music Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 09 Oct 2018

Truly, The Ballad of Ciara is My Head And Body Are Amazing And Whatever’s Happening There in the Middle of My Torso Is Perplexing:

CFDA Fashion Awards, Arrivals, New York, USA - 04 Jun 2018

This is….

Versace show, Arrivals, Pre-Fall 2019, New York, USA - 02 Dec 2018

Amusing. It seems so staid…and then you notice that The Pants Have Skirts.

This is sexy, yet also kind of bad? It’s like Sandy From Grease: EXTREME:

Hollywood Beauty Awards 2019 - Arrivals

This was VERY sporty!

Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Sports Awards 2018

And I think this skirt has a tail:

2018 Black Girls Rock!

Speaking of weird tails on things….

Kim Kardashian Visits Jimmy Kimmel Live

I DO NOT understand WHAT is HAPPENING with that outfit, to the point that it’s making me TYPE THINGS with RANDOM CAPITALIZATION.

This is likewise UBER CONFUSING, even from just the standpoint of, like, its structural integrity:

Los Angeles Beautycon Festival, Day 2, USA - 15 Jul 2018

It’s not that much better when standing:

Los Angeles Beautycon Festival, Day 2, USA - 15 Jul 2018

I also want to talk to Kimothy about the fact that this Wet Hair/Latex Dress look has spread to several of Rich Lady Screaming About Thing shows and NO ONE looks good in it, even her! (I say that as a person who thinks Kim is objectively very pretty!)

The Kardashians out and about, Los Angeles, USA - 09 Aug 2018

Wearing that outfit just looks like SO MUCH WORK! Admittedly, I am typing this with my hair in a wet bun, wearing reading glasses, a THE FUTURE IS FEMALE sweatshirt, and old black leggings with a torn mesh inset that I got on Amazon, but there has to be some acreage between me (an old bum) and THIS. OR THIS:

2019 Hollywood Beauty Awards_Backstage

My nipples hurt just looking at this.  And my FACE hurts looking at this:

AmfAR New York Gala 2019

Like, that is both sort of tacky AND kind of frumpy? Those are not two sartorial adjectives that are supposed to go together! But, look. It’s not just Kimberlalalalalallee holding up the side. Look how subtle and understated this is from Kourtney!

Anastasia Karanikolaou Cosmetics Launch, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Sep 2018

Whoops, I just look at that more closely — that IS Kim.  But this IS Kourtney, and it’s still NOT GREAT:

Celebrities at Craig's Restaurant, West Hollywood, Los Angeles, USA - 16 Nov 2018

And I know Khloe has had a lot on her plate this year, but this is something she should have taken OFF her plate:

Khloe Kardashian out and about, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Aug 2018

Same here:

Celebrity Sightings in Manhattan

I’m NOT going to allow bike shorts to come back as a thing outside of exercise. NOT ON MY WATCH

And, finally, I’m just gonna leave you with this:

The Kardashians out and about, Los Angeles, USA - 09 Aug 2018

This feels like an attempt at Sexy Dorothy Zbornak, and we ALREADY HAVE ONE.

Whose fug reigns supreme?

  • The Kardashians (93%, 4,290 Votes)
  • Ciara (7%, 347 Votes)

Total Voters: 4,637

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As is often the case with these match-ups, I would also like to see these two people physically fight. Nicki has had a fight-filled year (much of her own making), so she’s got field experiences, but Chloe seems like she’s scrappy and I once saw her at a fashion show that was in someone’s apartment and featured people with strings tied around their heads as accessories and she was totally poker-faced, so she can hang. (I, on the other hand, needed to go eat potato skins immediately thereafter; it was too much for me.)

Nicki wore this to a Laker game and I love her for doing that, because it really REALLY amuses me:

Celebrities at the Los Angeles Lakers game

(Although maybe that’s her nipple? Who knows! Sports are crazy.)

I feel like Nicki would also possibly have worn this, if given the chance:

Museum of Modern Art's 11th Annual Film Benefit presented by Chanel, Arrivals, New York, USA - 19 Nov 2018

(I liked that dress when we first wrote about it, but this time, I physically recoiled from it. I wonder why? Brains are weird!)

I also feel like Chloe would like to borrow this from Nicki, if given the chance. It’s Marc Jacobs!

Marc Jacobs show, Arrivals, New York Fashion Week - 12 Sep 2018

And I feel like Nicki would wear this look from Chloe:

Vanity Fair Oscar Party, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

Nicki would also look cute in leather hotpants, potentially:

Premiere of Season One of Netflix Russian Doll

I can envision Chloe trying this:

2018 MTV Video Music Awards

Just kidding — that one is all Minaj. As was this:

E! Entertainment, Elle and IMG Kick-Off Party, Arrivals, Spring Summer 2019, New York Fashion Week, USA - 05 Sep 2018

I almost called THIS All Minaj, but also Lady Gaga would totally wear this:

The Daily Front Row's 6th Annual Fashion Media Awards, New York, USA - 06 Sep 2018

In writing this, I realized that Chloe wears a LOT of Chanel for a person who isn’t paid by Chanel to wear them. Now, look: Chanel is a very classy brand with ace name recognition and a lot of celebs wear it of their own volition, as would I. But I kinda think she should be offended that they haven’t offered her a low-key perfume endorsement or something. Like, one of the above looks is Chanel. This is Chanel:

Premiere of Last Year at Marienbad During 75th Venice Film Festival

Also Chanel:

2018 Opening Ceremony Red Carpet, Cannes, France - 08 May 2018

This is not Chanel, but it IS horrifying:

Montblanc Celebrates 75th Anniversary of Le Petit Prince, New York, USA - 04 Apr 2018

Honestly, this isn’t even the half of it. We haven’t even talked about THIS:

The 2018 Planned Parenthood Spring Gala

So take a look at the archives — here’s Nicki’s; this is Chloe’s — and VOTE:

Whose fug reigns supreme?

  • Nicki Minaj (66%, 3,106 Votes)
  • Chloe Sevigny (34%, 1,599 Votes)

Total Voters: 4,705

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