Fug Madness 2019, Round Two: Dude, This Bracket Is Stacked

Want to jump to Nicki Minaj v. Chloe? DO IT.

(1) THE KARDASHIANS v. CIARA

Before we get to the Kards, I must note that the first round battle between Tracee Ellis Ross and Ciara was SO CLOSE. Ciara ended up winning it by a mere 51 votes, and the lead changed MULTIPLE TIMES. It was thrilling! And now, the question is, does she have enough gas left in the tank to take down Kimothy, Khloathon, and Kourtiam??

My main response to Ciara is usually “Oh my GOD, Ciara is beautiful.” Like, GORGEOUS, even in this terrifying concoction:

And her head and body look GREAT in this but also I think it’s just a belted wind-breaker?

Truly, The Ballad of Ciara is My Head And Body Are Amazing And Whatever’s Happening There in the Middle of My Torso Is Perplexing:

This is….

Amusing. It seems so staid…and then you notice that The Pants Have Skirts.

This is sexy, yet also kind of bad? It’s like Sandy From Grease: EXTREME:

This was VERY sporty!

And I think this skirt has a tail:

Speaking of weird tails on things….

I DO NOT understand WHAT is HAPPENING with that outfit, to the point that it’s making me TYPE THINGS with RANDOM CAPITALIZATION.

This is likewise UBER CONFUSING, even from just the standpoint of, like, its structural integrity:

It’s not that much better when standing:

I also want to talk to Kimothy about the fact that this Wet Hair/Latex Dress look has spread to several of Rich Lady Screaming About Thing shows and NO ONE looks good in it, even her! (I say that as a person who thinks Kim is objectively very pretty!)

Wearing that outfit just looks like SO MUCH WORK! Admittedly, I am typing this with my hair in a wet bun, wearing reading glasses, a THE FUTURE IS FEMALE sweatshirt, and old black leggings with a torn mesh inset that I got on Amazon, but there has to be some acreage between me (an old bum) and THIS. OR THIS:

My nipples hurt just looking at this.  And my FACE hurts looking at this:

Like, that is both sort of tacky AND kind of frumpy? Those are not two sartorial adjectives that are supposed to go together! But, look. It’s not just Kimberlalalalalallee holding up the side. Look how subtle and understated this is from Kourtney!

Whoops, I just look at that more closely — that IS Kim.  But this IS Kourtney, and it’s still NOT GREAT:

And I know Khloe has had a lot on her plate this year, but this is something she should have taken OFF her plate:

Same here:

I’m NOT going to allow bike shorts to come back as a thing outside of exercise. NOT ON MY WATCH

And, finally, I’m just gonna leave you with this:

This feels like an attempt at Sexy Dorothy Zbornak, and we ALREADY HAVE ONE.

(5) NICKI MINAJ v. (4) CHLOE SEVIGNY

As is often the case with these match-ups, I would also like to see these two people physically fight. Nicki has had a fight-filled year (much of her own making), so she’s got field experiences, but Chloe seems like she’s scrappy and I once saw her at a fashion show that was in someone’s apartment and featured people with strings tied around their heads as accessories and she was totally poker-faced, so she can hang. (I, on the other hand, needed to go eat potato skins immediately thereafter; it was too much for me.)

Nicki wore this to a Laker game and I love her for doing that, because it really REALLY amuses me:

(Although maybe that’s her nipple? Who knows! Sports are crazy.)

I feel like Nicki would also possibly have worn this, if given the chance:

(I liked that dress when we first wrote about it, but this time, I physically recoiled from it. I wonder why? Brains are weird!)

I also feel like Chloe would like to borrow this from Nicki, if given the chance. It’s Marc Jacobs!

And I feel like Nicki would wear this look from Chloe:

Nicki would also look cute in leather hotpants, potentially:

I can envision Chloe trying this:

Just kidding — that one is all Minaj. As was this:

I almost called THIS All Minaj, but also Lady Gaga would totally wear this:

In writing this, I realized that Chloe wears a LOT of Chanel for a person who isn’t paid by Chanel to wear them. Now, look: Chanel is a very classy brand with ace name recognition and a lot of celebs wear it of their own volition, as would I. But I kinda think she should be offended that they haven’t offered her a low-key perfume endorsement or something. Like, one of the above looks is Chanel. This is Chanel:

Also Chanel:

This is not Chanel, but it IS horrifying:

Honestly, this isn’t even the half of it. We haven’t even talked about THIS:

So take a look at the archives — here’s Nicki’s; this is Chloe’s — and VOTE: