(2) JENNIFER LOPEZ vs. (10) TYRA BANKS
Unless she reinvents herself again, I wonder if Miss Tyra will be out of Fug Madness for a bit. She’s stopped co-hosting America’s Got Talent, and America’s Next Top Model is off the air again… what other things to do with America can she host? America’s Test Kitchen? America’s Most Wanted? America’s Choice: The 2020 Presidential Election? Wait — I want her to do all of those. Because I’m going to miss her swanning around various cities in stuff like this:
And you’ve seen this one, but I am beholden to repeating it for you, because it’s that zany:
Is it strange that her feet are the worst part, to me? It’s the aggressive yellow polish, which is like a toenail fungus on steroids or something, and the way-too-tight plastic shoes. The rest is terrible, obviously, but there’s something refreshingly random-feeling about it. I’m sure it ISN’T, and that she picked it out with the tenderest of loving care, but it doesn’t come across as hugely overstyled.
TyTy also really likes a dramatic shoulder. There was this black cocktail dress, for one, and another here:
She apparently liked the tight-dress-giant-shoulders look so much, she wore a not-identical-but-really-close version somewhere else:
And that one is worse.
Tyra also brought back Life Size this year for a sequel — if her career is now about Circling Back, I humbly request a sequel to her single “Shake Ya Body” — and as such did a lot of promotional dressing in pink, which coordinates with the original poster. At the premiere, she went all in on thigh-high boots with a frock that was both maxi and mini:
And on AGT, she wore an aggressive pink look too, in addition to this sparkly thing that I think Jennifer Lopez would have enjoyed. Although I do not think Jennifer would have signed off on the wet hair.
This also happened:
Finally, I would be remiss not to remind you of this:
There is plenty more where all of that came from, but someone else would like your attention now.
“HOLA LOVERS. Once again you show me that you do not understand higher thinking. These are not see-through pants. They are SOFT-FOCUS pants.”
“And this is not a straitjacket. It is a GOOSEBUMP INVERTER. It squeezes me to keep me warm. Yes, lovers, even smokeshows can get chilly. Leave it to The Lopez to defy physics once more!!!”
“And this is not Bonnie and Clyde Go To Fashion Week. This is called YOU WISH FAYE DUNAWAY HA HA HA HA.”
“And no, lovers, I did not wear a spandex catsuit to my own afterparty for whatever that thing was that I won this year. (So many celebrations of ME! I lose track!!!!) I wore a Public Bathroom Deterrent! The Lopez does not sit where mortals evacuate, lovers.”
“No no, lovers, this is not me getting my clothes dirty! This is me COMING TO EARTH from the orbit where I live, getting in touch with the muck that besieges you all so that I can better understand how to write dance hall bangers. Also, in case you want to know, this was not me robbing Nickelodeon’s wardrobe department so that I can win a Kids Choice Award. Do not be silly. I would only steal clothes for an Oscar. HA HA HA HA I am kidding(ish).”
“And this is not a HAT that I wore to the Grammys! It is a… okay it is a hat. It is THE HAT. I named it A.Prod because Alex kept bumping into the brim. Then I named it GARBAGE and threw like a Frisbee at Lady GaGAAAAH to get back at her for touching the Lopez.”
“PS TYRA BLANKS: ANYTHING YOU CAN DO, I CAN DO PINKER.”
“PPS YOU WEAR YOUR PANTS AS PANTS?!?!? You have so much to learn.”
Whose fug reigns supreme?
- Jennifer Lopez (48%, 2,326 Votes)
- Tyra Banks (52%, 2,546 Votes)
Total Voters: 4,872
I admit, I didn’t personally think Maren would get this far with the outfits she wore this year. I think I underestimated how much Fug Nation is not here for this HAIR, for example, or this ensemble:
Not that it’s great, but it helped knock out a pretty solid No. 3 seed. As did this:
It is not a good dress, but it’s also not the most egregious nor original version of itself. Although maybe that’s part of the problem — it has committed to neither greatness nor terribleness, and so it’s just bobbing along in the middle, bored.
This was also a WOMP-WOMP:
It’s not the WORST, but it is see-through around the pelvis — you can see it a bit better from the side — and the shoulder adornment is a whole lot. She saved it with the neon shoes, but barely.
Do we think she was able to walk in those shoes? Because it LOOKS like she is teetering precariously, on the brink of snapping an ankle. Lady Gaga may make it look easy, y’all, but it is not.
She changed out of it after she performed, and INTO something with ENORMOUS SLEEVES:
She also wore a sports bra as a shirt, and then sent all of us and herself this dismal Valentine:
It was enough for one upset special. Will it be enough for two? Cynthia Erivo stands in her way, and she’s doing so in this:
She looks as surprised as I was when I stumbled back upon this. Also, is that one big furry thing her PURSE, or does Rapunzel just have only one enormous cuff?
You may not have seen this, because it never ran on our site, and therefore it might only have crossed your path if you follow her on Instagram or you run a fan Tumblr called, I don’t know, Cynthia ErivOMG:
It certainly does appear to be sheer. As is the top of this:
The skirt doesn’t matter so much; it’s the NECK ZIPPER that I wanted you to see.
And this is The Widow Erivo. Would that be The Widerivo? Or Cynthia Bereavo?
And here we have Cynthia Erivbow.
As purple goes, she also floated around on a giant beige cloud that looked at the bottom like she’d tramped Grimace, and then sported this, which at first glance seems reasonable and then you realize just how see-through it is.
Not as much as THIS was, however. Enter Cynthia Bumrivo:
And oh, sweet crackpot sandwich, let us make this her closing argument:
It’s a pretty strong statement. Will it win the day?
Whose fug reigns supreme?
- Cynthia Erivo (71%, 3,164 Votes)
- Maren Morris (29%, 1,266 Votes)
Total Voters: 4,430