Fug Madness 2020: Bjork’s Top Half Begins With a Kard, Two Models, and the Queen in the North

First! Did you miss our editable bracket? This link will open it! Next: The photos we show aren’t the ONLY ones in consideration; just a representative sample of everything worn from after the Oscars in 2019, through Feb. 10, 2020. Polls close after roughly 24 hours. Vote on any device, as often as you want to or can. 

To jump to the polls:

(1) Kim Kardashian vs. (16) Janina Gavankar · (4) Naomi Campbell vs. (13) Bebe Rexha · (5) Laverne Cox vs. (12) Dua Lipa · (8) Winnie Harlow vs. (9) Sophie Turner

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(1) KIMOTHY vs. (16) JANINA GAVANKAR

Well, you’ve gotta give Janina props for wearing this with assurance.

Enormous sleeves AND a see-through webbed skirt? That’s two challenges to wrangle at once, and her face says, “No big deal,” but her outer thigh and buttockial regions are like, “Weeeeelllll we can’t promise we’ll stay where you want us.”

My notes referred to this outfit as “vaguely evil”:

Is that black thing a gigantic external pocket? Like having a purse Velcroed to her waist, in a non-fanny-pack way? I have questions.

As I do here, in fact:

That waistband is like when I roll the one on my pajama pants over twice because the elastic so shot that they won’t stay up. Come to think of it, the abdominal region ALSO looks like the ripple effect of when I do that.

And of course, we have more sheers:

Is she lifting that away from herself so that the flashes NOTICE it’s sheer? Or is she saying, “Pardon me but I need to ventilate”? See? QUESTIONS. MANY OF THEM.

Kimothy here — we sometimes call her that because I joked once that Kanye is too self-involved to consider what “Kim” is short for — has gone well past the point of us asking questions. These outfits are her normal. Ours is not to inquire; it is merely to furrow, and accept that we don’t want the answers. For example:

Don’t ask WHY she is wearing this catsuit. Just scream at it and then say, “Well… it’s Kim.”

And don’t question what is going on here. Just shudder dramatically, imagine her trying to use the facilities at this party, and be relieved you are not Kim.

Kim is really into katsuits, by the way. Why? Because: Kim. Ditto for skintight anything:

You might have spotted in the cutout on this entry that Kim is dressed as a denim pirate wench. But perhaps you didn’t recall this detail:

FAKE LEATHER CHAPS. That’s totally a Radiohead B-side, also, by the way.

And as formalwear goes, Kimothy ventured into what I gather is a famous fashion show (I never paid attention to this stuff before GFY): McQueen’s 2003 shipwreck collection.

Gotta be honest, I am rolling my eyes really hard at that, iconic or not. And I think this dress looks absurd, as if it was made of Kleenex and then she accidentally ran it through the laundry. I’m sure that was the point — what IS a shipwreck, if not Mother Nature doing a load of delicates! — but it does not demand to be worn, does it? DOES IT? Wait, shoot, there I go, questioning Kimothy again. The answer is always, “Because, Kim.” Because: Kim.

Archives: Kimothy, Janina

 

(4) NAOMI CAMPBELL vs. (13) BEBE REXHA

I’m excited to welcome Naomi to the festivities. We sometimes ignore models, and it’s because I can’t tell which ones are actually well-known and which ones I’ve only heard of because of this job (Elsa Hosk anyone?or because they dated Leonardi DiCaprio (Toni Garrn, hi!) (Wait, can we sidebar? I checked to see if Elsa dated Leo, and she 100 percent for sure writes her own Wikipedia page, right? Check it: “Though the media often notes her striking physical resemblance and nominal correlation to Queen Elsa from Disney’s 2013 film Frozen, she denies that the character was made in her image.” I have LITERALLY NEVER HEARD ANYONE SAY THAT and I suspect her frequent need to deny it is because she is the one trying to promote the comparison. Wouldn’t DISNEY be the one asked to confirm or deny?)

Okay, sorry about that. This post is dedicated to the fact that we realized Naomi Campbell is stealthily really badly dressed. Can Bebe Rexha take on a legend? Bebe is coming in hot:

Of course, Naomi has had her moments with lace pants too, but in bodysuit form:

“Okay,” I imagine Bebe thinking. “I can do big drapey things, and I can do them BORINGLY.”

Naomi will surely scoff at this. “What is the point of fabric,” she will think, “if one cannot see through it?” And so:

Bebe likely will tap her chin thoughtfully and then try to change the subject to willy-nilly feathers.

Naomi will have no problem responding to that:

“Hmm,” Bebe may say. “Sure. Right. But can you do it TWICE?”

“Oh, Bebe,” Naomi might respond. “You really don’t know who you’re dealing with here, do you?”

By the way, this top/dress has been on both Celine Dion AND Jennifer Lopez in this Fug Madness contest, and Naomi’s is easily the worst and weirdest deployment in huge part because of the added pants. She looks elderly and eccentric, and she is for sure NOT the first of those things.

Bebe, have I given you enough time to compose a response?

Ah, a dominant accessory and some shoulder pads, eh? Well, Naomi is going to be like, “I’ve got you, babe”:

Twice:

So what’s the word, Perd? The supermodel or the (pop) starlet?

Archives: Naomi, Bebe

(5) LAVERNE COX vs. (12) DUA LIPA

Dua Lipa did not have as bad a year as the last, but I do think we may have underestimated her. This is just undeniably lousy:

And the blessed child tied her shoes round her pants:

She has trouble with trousers, honestly. These have random “artful” holes in them. This one isn’t an issue with the PANTS, per se, but with the top she wore with them, which looks like a multi-crotched bodysuit left unsnapped.

And check out the pants she wore to the Grammys, with Boy Hadid:

I thought those were white jeans with… leather coozies over it. But then I got a closer back view, and:

Not only is the blazer open in the back, but the pants MIGHT be all one piece?

This is also some kind of spandx onesie under an actually quite comfy-looking sweater.

Oh, but she’s not the ONLY seasoned Peek-a-Boob player in this game. Enter Laverne:

This outfit might make Dua Lipa a tiny bit envious:

But that bodysuit with the low-rise pants? That’s an era I hoped would never return. Not even at the end of the world.

Now, brace yourselves for what Laverne Cox wore to a Lakers game. Are you braced? Okay:

TO A BASKETBALL GAME. SINCERELY.

There’s more. I could tell you about the time she didn’t wear pants, but why would I bother, when I can just drop this here:

I could show you the vaguely transparent dress with the wet-look hair, or… we could just stay where we are:

And I could share this very crotchy dress that doesn’t fit her boobs, or… again, I could also just stay right here:

Yep. That happened.

Archives: Laverne, Dua

 

(8) WINNIE HARLOW vs. (9) SOPHIE TURNER

Sophie Turner may not have been seeded in the right place, but we’re gonna push through here anyway. She may not have looked scorchingly bad this year, but she’s Sansa Freaking Stark, and she should be able to pull together better than this:

Please, Sophie, return those shorts to your Vuitton overlords and explore a better ending to this visual story.

At the time I called this Garden of Eden Biker Gang (called The Serpents) and I stand by it. Honestly, it could be cool. It’s close. But the pants are too short and cuffed too awkwardly, and the shoes are a thud with it, an afterthought, a comedown for a scrolldown.

As one of the LV mega-ambassadors — not the technical term — Sophie almost exclusively wears that line for all her appearances. And maybe she’s trying really hard to push back on the terrible stuff it’s churned out lately, and that’s why we got her in two dresses that are basically the same idea but in different fabrics. We had a patterned version in greys and blacks and whites, and then this:

It’s not the worst idea but it does need a hoik, and it’s just… it seems inexcusable to me to give your big young star two things that feel the same even when made with different materials. And if it happened because she’s SUPER lukewarm on the rest of their offerings, then why not use your clout and branch out from them a little here and there? Even Jennifer Lawrence occasionally did that with Dior (does anyone else wonder if half the reason she vanished for a year was to burn off that contract, by the way?).

Anyway, back to Sophie and her gigantic cummerbund:

Yep, another LV; you can tell by the belt. AGAIN. ANOTHER ONE. MUCH BELTS.

If you were looking for a break from belts, too bad:

More heavy satin, another cinched waist, and a twist that makes no sense — that being, the actual way the skirt twists up and tucks INTO the belt. What is that, girl? And what was THIS?

The ONE time she takes a vacation from beltwear and it’s for THAT.

Winnie Harlow understands. If there is one thing that speaks to her soul, it’s THE SHEERS.

Indeed, for two years in a row now — THAT WE KNOW OF — she has sheered it up on her birthday to the point of inspiring Birthday Suit puns:

Oh, and:

She also deployed one of these heinous Pradas that made the rounds on a variety of people:

This might be more sheer than I realize; my first focus was on the crotchiness of it all:

This veers in COMPLETELY the other direction:

Poor dear. No wonder she eschews fabric. When she doesn’t, it chews on HER.

Winnie’s archive has a lot more to consider — MORE ruffles, a scary fabric, a purple feather boa, an outfit I call COACHELLA SIIIIIGH — and Sophie wore teeeeeny barely visible shorts, bad jeans, giant sleeves, and a shockingly meh outing for a major Game of Thrones premiere. Explore! As spoken by the prophet Bryan Adams: Search your heart. Search your soul. And when you find the winner there, you’ll search no more.

Archives: Winnie, Sophie