Noomi and Iskra and Dascha, Oh My

Did you miss Round One? Do you still need a bracket? Those links will help you catch up. And now onward…

Jump to: (5) Noomi Rapace vs. (13) Iskra Lawrence

(1) THE JENNERS vs. (8) DASCHA POLANCO

This is a tougher battle than the seed numbers suggest. Dascha may have improved this year, but the good means nothing; it’s fug against fug, and it’s — wait, what’s this Kendall? Feeling bashful? Nervous?

Oh.

OH.

WHOA.

And what’s funny is, Kendall really has a thing for overlong pants. While her Met Gala outfit seemed mostly fine, it was a full scrolldown with sad little trains on each leg, which were excessive and yet — compared to these — suddenly also look pathetic? That’s quite a trick. She also is addicted to gladiator sandals, deploying them not once but twice, which is the same number of times she wore these lace-up leather bellbottoms (go back a slide for the other instance). And I looked at this and I’m FAIRLY sure that top is not supposed to be worn tucked into pants? Certainly not those pants, unless thy are tear-aways, and EVEN THEN.

Let’s take a look at Kylie, though. She is, comparatively, practically reclusive (well, if you discount Rob, which sadly the entire family pretty much does, so). When she does appear, then, it seems deeply unfair to make her do so in this:

She looks so puzzled, as if she’s been in the pitch dark for three days and Kris just threw on the lights. That is also the only explanation for anyone willingly wearing this.

Or this:

Why did Alexander Wang inflict this upon a newish mother? Honestly, do we need to give Kylie credit for following through on the deal and leaving the house in this, rather than lighting it on fire? She did at least make sure to flash the tights that read ALEXANDER WANG on the legs, perhaps to try and assign as much blame as possible to the maker.

Kylie, that is a great Kim impersonation, but you lost it with the shoes. Kim would only wear clear plastic ones with this, and you KNOW IT.

But friends, if the Jenners make it through this round, or win this entire thing, I genuinely think a large part of it will be because of what you are about to see. Fug Nation, eagle-eyed readers of my heart, I need you now:

WHAT.

IS.

THIS.

GARMENT.

It’s some kind of sweatshirt, right, with a strapless… bodice thing over it, and then…  is she… holding up… leather overalls that … are on backwards, and also have split, and also… tie at the ankles? Is it.. I don’t understand. My eyes don’t speak this language. It’s a fug dialect that hasn’t been discovered yet.

Dascha Polanco has her work cut out for her, then.

Luckily, much of this dress was cut out for her, too. HEY-YOOOO.

She really does seem to like things that lace, by the way:

And things that are made of lace:

This is a confusing situation, made more amusing by the stacked image of Natasha Lyonne behind her looking horrified:

If you’re thinking to yourself, “Well, okay, yes, that is all bad, but can she counter their pants issues?” I say yes:

NOOOOO.

Archives: Kendall and Kylie; Dascha Polanco

(5) NOOMI RAPACE vs. (13) ISKRA LAWRENCE

Welcome, Iskra! You’ve just defeated perennial Fug Madness contender Heidi Klum in the upset of the tournament so far (and yes, that includes No. 3 Rowan Blanchard losing, because she lost to Maren Morris, which automatically makes it less surprising). But no rest for the wicked, my dear. You’ve got to push on; what new ground can you break here for us?

I see. Yes, that definitely qualifies.

Is it just the way she’s standing, or are those pants sincerely terrible to her crotch? Surely jeans would have been a better play. Let’s all join hands and hep end cameltoe.

These trousers fit better:

But the entire outfit is a bowlful of nope.

So. Much. Satin. Honestly, she kind of has issues with pants. This sweater below is SO CUTE:

But then her pants are excessively ventilated. Here’s a thought: Wear a skirt!

Or, dont’:

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The shirt that is knotted under her chest MIGHT even kill me more than the giant slit that would blow open if someone so much as sneezed near her.

That is theoretically extremely cute, but in practice very puzzling, because she has one enormous long sleeve and allllll that fabric could have been used to finish the skirt.

Yes, that is a wrap-blazer dress that is cut high and open at the sides. For reasons that are unknowable. And then of course we have this:

Noomi Rapace is a WHOLE different vibe. I noted in one post that she reminded me of one particular Annie Potts scene in Pretty In Pink, but I’d like to amend that — I think she very well might BE Annie Potts in Pretty and Pink, because she is a chameleon from moment to moment. We’ll get this:

And then shift to this:

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And then, whoosh, back to this:

And then to THIS:

Do you have whiplash yet? No? Well:

She wore that exact off-center suit, but in a different color and with velvet hooves, a day later — and it was again a whole new vibe:

OH, BUT AND THEN:

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More? You got it:

She’s Carmen Sandiego meets Pharrell meets… well, Noomi Rapace, I guess.

But what would a Fug Madness post be without a big finish? I have you covered as well as animal print does her:

Solid work, ladies. And with that, the ball is tipped.

Archives: Noomi Rapace, Iskra Lawrence