Fug File: Awards & Galas

MTV Movie Awards Fairly Normally Played: Jennifer Lopez in Versace


“HOLA LOVERS.”

jennifer lopez j.lo mtv movie awards 2015

“I have been tricked, lovers. I was told I would be given a major award, and so I put on clothes that do not have missing parts or mutant pants or a cape, and what happens? PLASTIC POPCORN. This is NOT AN AWARD. It is NOVELTY TRASH you could buy on Hollywood Boulevard next to the place with all the hand prints, and there is no PROTEIN in this at ALL lovers. Do not FOOD-TROPHY THE LOPEZ unless it is the Nickelodoen Kids Choose Me thingies where they put juiced kale on everyone. THIS IS NOT HARD.”

[Photo: Getty]

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MTV Movie Awards Fug Carpet: Scarlett Johansson in Zuhair Murad


In which someone wisely reboots The Golden Girls — Betty White can take over the role of Sophia! Or honestly, just be Rose again. She looks THE SAME AGE, probably because she’s made a deal with Lucifer — and gives ScarJo the role of Blanche Devereaux:

Jennifer Lopez at The 2015 MTV Movie Awards in LA

I mean, can you not see this women KILLING it in her retirement community? She’s going to rule the board of directors with an iron hand in a velvet glove, and she is ALSO going to be the belle of the ball come happy hour down at Del Boca Vista. Wait. That’s the retirement community in Seinfeld. I’m getting my seminal NBC sitcoms mixed up. (And PS, when I went to Wikipedia to look up something about Golden Girls, the Blanche entry informed me that it was “too excessively detailed ” and “may contain an excessive amount of intricate detail that may only interest a specific audience.” HOW DARE YOU, WIKIPEDIA. We are ALL in need of intricate details about The Golden Girls.)  Regardless of where in Florida she may find herself, this is a women NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH.  Actually, while this started out as a gentle crack that I think this jumpsuit is a little old for ScarJo (but would be perhaps delicious on Christine Baranski, if a jumpsuit could be delicious and if Christine Baranski would deign to wear one, which she might not), now I actually really want this to happen.

[Photo: Fame/Flynet]

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MTV Movie Awards Well Played: Cara Delevingne in Reem Acra


Call me crazy — “HELLO CRAZY” — but I think she looks divine in this:

Jennifer Lopez at The 2015 MTV Movie Awards in LA

It’s sheer but not TOO sheer. Lacy but not TOO lacy. Draped but not TOO draped. Short, but not TOO short. In effect: I enjoy it when she breaks free from the clutches of Kaiser Karl, and Reem Acra is rarely a mistep.

The back is good too:

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MTV Movie Awards Fugs and Fabs: The Pitch Perfect 2 Cast


Jessica frequently types “WORDS” as a placeholder – which, as you know, we sometimes publish by accident and it reads as speechlessness – and I veer between using that and just “F.” Both apply here. WORDS. F. F-WORDS. SO MUCH F’ING WORDS. It’s flexible yet still accurate.

[Photos: Getty]

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MTV Movie Awards Geriatrically Played: Jessie J


I felt bad for Jessie J when she went out to present something with Mark Wahlberg, and had to endure the most mind-numbingly dumb patter that amounted to this: “You’re British.” “Yes.” “Your accent sounds different than mine.” “Yes.” “Heh-heh.” “Sure.” “It will be hilarious if I try to imitate it for the next three minutes.” “No.” She tried, but it seemed a whole lot like she wanted to drop through the floor. I sincerely do not understand why Hollywood lately has been treating British people as if they are a rare species of yeti never before spotted in the world.

Anyway, it’s bad enough that Jessie had to contend with that.

jessie j mtv movie awards 2015

It’s going to get so much worse when Rue McClanahan’s estate comes charging at her to rip the Blanchesuit right off her back.

[Photo: Getty]

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MTV Movie Awards Fug or Fab: Shailene Woodley in Isabel Marant


This is the moment where I lose faith in all the math that I ever learned, because if Shailene Woodley can take those pants and toss them in here and add them up into something I don’t hate, then how can I trust 1 + 1 = 2 anymore?

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[Photos: Getty]

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