Fug File: Awards & Galas

American Music Awards Fugs or Fabs: Various Kardashians/Jenners


I want to tell you that I somehow just misread this headline — which, yes, I myself wrote — as “American Music Awards Fugs or Fabs: Various Voldemorts.”

[Photos: Fame/Flynet]

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American Music Awards Reasonably Played: Julianne Hough in Zuhair Murad


Hough’s head actually looks pretty good here.

Julianne Hough at The 2014 American Music Awards in LA

Her feet ALSO look fantastic. The dress itself is a LITTLE bit Cheesy South Beach Socialite to me, in a way that makes me think it belongs on an older person — like, say, a Jennifer Nettles, or even a Klum. It’s pretty and it’s vibrant, and I feel like it should be on the body of a lady wriggling through the crowd at a cocktail party with a dash of the cha-cha, while making eyes at a sultry cocktail waiter who’s just trying to pay his way through business school but will end up being her Kept Man for about two years because she has really soft sheets, and he’s only human.

[Photo: Fame/Flynet]

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American Music Awards Fug or Fab: Rita Ora in Zac Posen


This feels like a cousin to an older Lena Dunham dress, but with a less squinchy neckline.

Rita Ora at The 2014 American Music Awards in LA

It’s… fine, and it’s colorful, although you’d be as likely to see a knife and fork poking out the top as a person’s body. And somewhere around the middle it starts to pull weirdly, like a stretched piece of a popped, broken balloon. I don’t know if the goal is to have one’s thighs look like a child’s ultimate sadness.

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[Photo: Fame/Flynet]

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American Music Awards Fug Carpet: Jennifer Lopez in Reem Acra


“HOLA LOVERS.” [And I need to break character for a moment to say that I TOTALLY CALLED THIS.]

Jennifer Lopez at The 2014 American Music Awards in LA

“I have a riddle for you: What is dressed like a ballet slipper because that is what people wear who are center stage which I learned from the movie Center Stage which I watched one night when I was up late writing the best chapter of True Love which is where I thank everyone for their true love and talk about how hard I worked and then anyway LOVERS toe shoes are softness and strength rolled into one just like a good mattress or a cookie or the person who is the subject of this riddle? Do you know the answer yet? It is THE LOPEZ. I am the FOOT OF POWER. I am what puts the grande in jete and what makes the pirouette pirou or something. BUY MY BOOK, IT IS ABOUT MAKING SUSHI!! Just kidding it is about love and probably also having your own perfume. Unless they cut that part.”

[Photo: Fame/Flynet]

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American Music Awards Fugs and Fabs: Everyone in Basic (and not so basic) Black


I’m still not sure if I understand a lot of these things, like (a) how we’ve gotten to a point where Nicki Minaj isn’t popping up places wearing like swizzle sticks and tennis balls anymore, (b) how come everyone seems to be taking the AMAs so super seriously, and (c) the continued public appearances of Jenny McCarthy.

[Photos: Fame/Flynet. Splash]

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American Music Awards Fug or Fab: Taylor Swift in Michael Kors


Taylor won some kind of Dick Clark Award for General Stellarness, and she was very well-spoken and gracious, and that’s one of the reasons I can’t ever really get sick of her. She means well, she’s a hard worker, she can string two words together… If I had a daughter, she could do a lot worse than to look up to Swifty.

Taylor Swift 2014 American Music Awards

And Swifty could do a lot worse than this dress, but she could also do a lot better. And has. I almost prefer the Unitard of Doom to this, because at least that was sort of… pert. This is a beautiful color, but a snoozy design. I want to keep the skirt and send the rest back to Michael Kors with instructions that he should redo it or else receive a Singing Telegram from Heidi Klum in which he is ceremonially Auf’d.

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