Fug File: Billboard Music Awards

Billboard Music Awards Fugs and Fabs: Everyone Else


And when I say “everyone,” I do not mean Beyonce, nor Rihanna, nor Miley, nor most of the other people you might expect or hope for, because these suckers felt pretty wildly underattended.

[Photos: Getty]

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Billboard Music Awards Lordely Played: Lorde


“But I guess more than anything else, I’d like to thank the criminal in the gorilla suit who knocked me out, traded clothes, and made his getaway after leaving me in a broom closet, which is where I woke up five minutes ago. Without him, I wouldn’t have anything for the middle of act two of the movie of my life. Thanks, man. Maybe Taylor Swift and I write a duet about you someday.”

she did have one other outfit

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Billboard Music Awards Fug Carpet: Nicki Minaj in Alexander McQueen


It’s not great news for the designer that I was going to guess it was Versace.

And it’s even worse news for Nicki that she’s essentially wearing a very expensive ladyjuicer.

[Photo: Getty]

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Billboard Music Awards Divaly Played: Jennifer Lopez in Donna Karan


“HOLA LOVERS. Remember, I am the wind beneath your wings. And you are the wind beneath mine. Except replace ‘you’ with ‘the natural zephyr of superb holiness in the Divine Church of LOPEZ.’ And then you. Except replace ‘you’ with ‘the dance.’ And THEN you, maybe. It always comes back to my lovers. Eventually. Even if it gets lost in the field of dreams. What are we talking about? Oh yes: LEGS. I have some.”

[Photos: Getty]

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Billboard Music Awards WTF: Natasha Bedingfield


Oh, my God. No, Natasha. You know what is not still unwritten? MY HORROR.

This is the kind of thing you wear when you call the paparazzi and tell them you’re going to the doctor/Bristol Farms market/the gym, so they will run a photo of your hot abs but you can still claim it was just your lounging clothes. Bonus points if you’re doing it after a breakup, so you can fill your shopping cart with high-calorie feelings and yet still remind everyone your stomach is taut even in grief. It’s a janky hellpile even so, but as something you have actually picked out and lovingly fluffed and prepared for your big night out on a red carpet, it is A CHARRED HEAP OF CRAZY ON A KEBAB. Because those are SWEATPANTS. And that is a bra. And the rest is just crocheted skin. I’m sorry, guys, but Granny has to come out to play: WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY. WEAR YOUR SWEATPANTS TO YOGA AND WEAR YOUR ABS IN YOUR HOUSE.

[Photo: Getty]

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Billboard Music Awards Fug Carpet: Carrie Underwood in Oriett Domenech


Her hair looks a lot darker from the front. Then again, so does the foundation she pasted on with a trowel, so maybe it’s just the lighting. And you know I’m stalling on expressing my feelings for the dress when I’m delving THAT deep into whatever her hair situation is. But Carrie Underwood is the proto-Country Blonde, so it’s always big news if suddenly she looks like a Country Whiskey-Colored-Hair Person.

[Photo: Getty]

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