(1) RITA ORA vs. (8) LINDSEY VONN
Lindsey Vonn is a ski champ of historic excellence, but I fear a Fug Madness crown may continue to elude her. Rita Ora’s archive from this eligibility period takes up THREE PAGES, plus one or two spots on the fourth, and some of those entries are slideshows devoted to multiple outfits. Usually we have to repeat a few pictures with each new battle, but here, I can and will make her case using ENTIRELY different photos than the ones Jessica featured in Round One, and there will STILL be a ton left over that you haven’t seen yet.
Of course, none of that is a guarantee of victory. That’s why they play the games, as they say. Any given Sunday (or Tuesday) the Patriots could lose, Zion Williamson’s sneaker could fall apart on his body within the opening 30 seconds of a game — yep, that happened — and Rita Ora could lose to Lindsey Vonn. Repeats or no. So let’s tip off this mother. Lindsey, hit me with your best shot. Or any shot.
Okay. Could be worse, but definitely not great.
YEP. WORSE. And actually, there’s a pretty idea here, totally destroyed by the addiction to sheers. This is one case where subtraction does NOT add. Just LINE IT.
This is cheerful, at least, but it’s also totally overwhelming — and has a stain on the front. I kept assuming it was a spot on my screen and then I realized that I’ve been working on different computers and they can’t BOTH have a spot there, and oh yeah, it moves when I scroll, so… yeah. A lot went wrong here.
In an effort to show you something else new, here’s this:
That’s another dress that has some potential, but the skirt just looks less stylish than “there’s a chunk missing,” and her makeup and bronzer is too aggressive.
And that is some Kendall Jenner level commitment to thighs. I love that she shows off how hard she works, though. Strength is sexy. But strength does not have to be orange, and it doesn’t necessarily have to demand a date with your waxer, either.
At the Oscars, she wore what Jessica just termed a sad spitball dress to the Vanity Fair party, and THIS to the Elton John bash:
I honestly don’t know which of those is more disappointing. Let’s get Lindsey Vonn some better designer access, y’all. She’s got Christian Siriano in her corner, although that hasn’t borne fruit the way I would have hoped. I ended up liking her in this fun sparkly jumpsuit — I just think it needed looser styling, like big wavy ’70s hair — so there’s GOT to be hope for elevating her wardrobe toward that and away from stuff like this:
Okay, Lindsey. Thank you. Go cool down, stretch a little, and see whether Rita Ora lands her jumps. (Yes, okay, I’m mixing my winter sports. It is Fug MADNESS, after all.)
I shall open with the similarity that both women had weird stains on the front of dresses. And while Lindsey Vonn frequently made the papers, Rita Ora wore them. It was obviously very tempting to show you this curlicue sheer tomfoolery again, but I don’t HAVE to, because it was not the only sheer tomfoolery she pulled:
I am SCREAMING.
Jessica showed her in a very short, very puffy floofy white outfit; in place of that (although of course it’s all still under consideration, because we vote on ALL the fuggery and not just what photos we use) I can illustrate with some sheer floofery:
She wore that to a charity function.
Jessica showed you the black feathery semi-sheer nightmare from the Vanity Fair Oscar party, but Rita also wore something oddly and extremely similar just a day or two before:
There was also a minidress I referred to in my notes as GIANT FEATHER CHEST EXPLOSION. It is UNREAL. As was her makeup here:
All that denim is also absurd, but strangely, that might not be the worst thing she did with that fabric this year. That honor might go to her being the only non-J.Lo person (that I know of) to wear the jeans-boots:
Oh, RITA. And girl, what are you even doing here?
This event was held at the same venue where I got married. Obviously we were dressed identically.
And I realized that we saw the main portion of that later, when Kendall Jenner wore it with massive pants to a big fashion party. It’s Vera Wang, which is VEXING (yet no longer surprising), and I guess that bodice must be like plug-and-play fashion, because Rita and Kendall each went with different sleeves and different bottoms, and managed to create two truly terrible different outfits.
That’s Prada and it is worth NADA.
I yelped aloud when I rediscovered that. Her archive is seriously a goddamn treasure trove. You want a Versace tweed hoodie with no pants? You’ve got it. Some of the worst of Ralph & Russo? Bingo. A shirt-cape? Yes indeed. Shoes that look like some sort of elaborate high-fashion traction? Sure thing. Head to toe neon leopard print? ABSOLUTELY.
Or how about… one of whatever this is?
I’m weirdly proud of her. It’s such a bad assemblage and I haven’t even LINKED TO EVERYTHING. Bless her for earning that high seed every single time. But is it enough to dunk on Lindsey? The poll awaits.
Whose fug reigns supreme?
- Rita Ora (88%, 4,049 Votes)
- Lindsey Vonn (12%, 540 Votes)
Total Voters: 4,589
You guys YOU GUUUUYS look what I found:
This wasn’t in ANY of our sources. It’s from TIFF, and they were all at TIFF, so WHAT GIVES? How could you deny us Kate’s sheer elbow tutu?
Luckily, in the end, although it was slow to arrive, we were NOT denied what she wore to present — and accept, for an absentee Alex Ovechkin — a major ESPY award:
I guess we need to add Kate to the list of celebs who seem really worried that we are going to forget about them. She’s certainly making that as hard as possible, from wearing an ENORMOUS statement train to the Vanity Fair Oscar party (an event where most people try to DITCH their giant skirts), to this jumbled mess:
This does not know what it wants to be, and so consequently, it’s a whole lot of muddled nothing.
That’s OKAY but I’m distracted by whether it’s pinching her chest as much as it appears.
Sheer really seems to have been the theme of her year, honestly. With all of the above, we also have this:
What you can’t see as well in our pic, but you can on Getty, is that the sides of the skirt are sheer.
You will have NO trouble finding the transparencies here:
And here, of course, it’s not about the fabric opacity as much as it is the placement of the fabric itself. As in, it’s all OFF her body:
Kate, Kate, Kate. KATE. She’s like the anti-Middleton.
Evangeline Lilly doesn’t come out much, as Jess noted, which is why it’s so noteworthy that her Ant Man and the Wasp press junkets are almost solely responsible for her seeding. Okay, that and some Marvel events, but you feel me. One family of films (and one family film); one raft of fuggery.
And one see-through jumpsuit.
And of course some see-through pants, because why NOT.
These are the opposite of see-through, which is a refreshing change:
But it is a scrolldown of epic proportions, thanks to cuffs of epic proportions.
She also busted out some shiny green formal cargo pants, which I don’t think ENTIRELY worked on her either? Maybe trousers just aren’t her strong suit.
Neither are belts, I guess. Ditto — occasionally — her hairstyling and makeup team, which really whiffed this one.
And of course dresses don’t always go smoothly either. Take this one:
It’s a slick idea, and I like the waistband, but the chest darts are just woeful and the stitching in the back comes off as too aggressive also. It’s a misfire for me that had POTENTIAL to be really great, although I may be in the minority on that one.
I do NOT think I am alone in disliking this, though:
I guess every Renaissance Faire needs a cocktail waitress.
Whose fug reigns supreme?
- Kate Beckinsale (78%, 3,531 Votes)
- Evangeline Lilly (22%, 1,024 Votes)
Total Voters: 4,555