Fug Madness 2019 Continues, Round One: ENTER THE JENNERS

First! A word about the rules: The photos we show aren’t the ONLY ones in consideration; just a representative sample of everything worn from after the Oscars in 2018, all the way through the Oscars that just finished (so, March 6, 2018, to Feb 26, 2019). Polls close after roughly 24 hours. Vote on any device, as often as you want to or can. Do you need a refresher on how this works? The Fug Madness FAQ is here for you.

PSA: Click on the link where applicable to hop to that match:

(1) THE JENNERS v. (16) BLAKE LIVELY .  (8) DASCHA POLANCO v. (9) RIHANNA . (5) NOOMI RAPACE v. (12) ROSE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY . (4) HEIDI KLUM v. (13) ISKRA LAWRENCE

 

PS PSA: If you need to see someone’s complete archives, link on the link in their name. RESEARCH!

(1) THE JENNERS v. (16) BLAKE LIVELY

As we mentioned earlier in Fug Madness, we’re treating the Kardashians (Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe) as one player for our purposes; likewise, we’re treating Gigi and Bella Hadid as one team, and also — here! — Kylie and Kendall Jenner. We’re doing this for a lot of reasons (including that keeping them corralled means they don’t overwhelm the rest of the tournament), but mostly because we thought it was funny. The Jenner segment of the Jennerdashians is gonna be tough enough to beat as it is. (Although I need to note that I do love this.) (And I kind of like this, although it is FRINGEY!)

BEHOLD:

I feel like I could literally ONLY run that look and we’d still have a close vote. But there is more! Most of it is from Kendall, as Kylie was busy part of this year having a baby, although Kylie did pop up occasionally.

I could also just run this and leave it at that, I think:

Or, honestly, even this, which is not particularly safe for work! This feels like it’s one swift breeze from being NSFW. And this IS safe for work, but it’s very silly.

This is HILARIOUSLY bad. Her knees have their own HUGE SKIRTS:

I also don’t know how she is going to manage to eat or drink ANYTHING with those crazy sleeves. Or go to the bathroom. This whole thing is basically rendering her incapable of performing basic human functions on her own.

I have to say, the jewelry with this look is AMAZING, but the sheer tulle is really, really distracting from it:

SPEAKING OF SHEERS:

I appreciate that her clutch here is almost as big as her dress. I also like how much it looks like a giant manila envelope, like she’s running out to a cocktail party but has to bring her paperwork:

Shall we check on Kylie? I don’t totally blame her for this — she had just had her baby, and I think Alexander Wang could have done better by her bod:

(I also will hate forever those tiny sunglasses.) Speaking of…not doing right by herself (though I blame her for this one entirely):

YIKES. You guys, she’s not going to the gym in that. She’s going to a fancy sea food restaurant! That is too much information for me to try to intake when I’m just trying to enjoy a branzino.

And, of course, Kylie chose to celebrate the Grammys with a self-strait-jacket:

On the other end of this match-up is the erstwhile Boobs Legsy, who was actually quite entertaining this year. She looked amazing at the Met Gala, and really amused me at the after-party. In promoting her movie A Simple Favor — which, by the way, I STRONGLY recommend, because it’s pleasantly bonkers and she’s a total hoot in it — she wore an endless parade of suits, some of which were fantastic, including this amazing Ralph Lauren tux. Others were silly but fun, and some of which were not so great. I noted last year that Blake goes wrong when she trips and falls into High Fashion Victorian Orphan:

This also felt, as I said at the time, like something a waiter would wear at a misguided Communist-themed cafe. Other than the, uh, extremely expensive accessories:

This is ALSO very Runway Oliver!

Please don’t forget that when Blake isn’t wearing whimsical lady-suits, she generally gets Monse’d:

(8) DASCHA POLANCO v. (9) RIHANNA

Real talk: Rihanna wasn’t out THAT much this year, but one of the things we take into account when making seedings is level of celebrity and she is still Rihanna. We’ll get to her, though. Get ready for Dascha, whom I love and who is reliably   always in the Fug Madness mix. (In the interest of niceness, I do need to say that she also looked the BEST she’s EVER looked this year.) (She actually also looked great in this.) (Also this wasn’t terrible. And this was dated but in a kinda good way. I think 2018 might have been a big improvement for Dascha. I wonder if she got a new stylist.)

But this is stressing me out:

And this is a NIGHTMARE:

This is likewise HORRIFYING:

And this is just…WORDS. DASCHA NO:

Let’s check in with Rihanna — who, I must admit, I miss. Come back to us, Rihanna! What are you doing? I mean…making millions with great makeup and good lingerie lines and presumably walking around hotel lobbies holding glasses of wine, as is her wont. Also wearing a snakeskin bucket hat, of course.

I gave Dascha her due, and thus I need to note that RiRi, as she often does, looked great quite a bit this go-round. This look at the Oceans 8 premiere was fantastic; this other one was, too. She also KILLED IT at the Met Gala, which is also business as usual for her.

Howevs! This was silly, though her face looks SO good:

This was also slightly silly:

This was HORRIBLE:

And this was my dream swimwear circa 1987:

(5) NOOMI RAPACE v. (12) ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY

I just need to admit that I think I am moderately obsessed with Noomi Rapace. She is AN EXPERIENCE. Like, this might LITERALLY be my Patronus. This coat is AMAZING. This would look terrible on ANYONE but her. (And, yes, also maybe Rihanna. Rihanna would look good in everything Noomi wears. She’d pull off a jumpsuit covered in bejeweled bugs, too.) This is, as a garment, objectively hideous:

This, too, is a really…ride for your eyeballs, in the sense that when I say “Noomi Rapace,” you think AGGRESSIVELY STYLED and this is sort of weirdly sad?

When I zipped past this photo, I thought — for one glorious moment — that she was Queen Elizabeth II, which…she is NOT:

In my original post for this next look, I referred to it as “a high-fashion sexy Ferdinand Magellan” and I stand by that:

And this, of course, is pleasantly swear-y:

If Noomi is ALL personality — like Fashion ID — I find Rosie H-W to be visually very bland, which is weird for a model. She is beautiful to me, but blank. Like, this is GORGEOUS but didn’t stick in my head. This is stunning, but I only remembered it because I just went into that post for someone else. I literally keep thinking she is Dianna Agron in this! We joked here that she is doing a Blake Lively impression, and it’s TRUE.

This is stunning and confusing in….a wholly other way:

This handbag might strangle her:

(She is ALL in on making a shoulder bag into a crossbody, also.) (HERE, her bag is being worn as a necklace and that is NEVER gonna happen.)

You guys, Kim Kardashian ALSO wore this dress, albeit in a shorter version. THAT’S NOT A GOOD SIGN.

This just looks cheap, and you know it was not:

SIGH. Let’s end with what I called “Endora’s fanciest gold lamé caftan:”

(4) HEIDI KLUM v. (13) ISKRA LAWRENCE

Oh, Heidi. As much as we complain about you, I hope you never ever change. First of all, Heidi leaves the house A LOT, which I appreciate because it gives me stuff to talk about. For example, over the summer, I wrote a WHOLE piece about all the stuff she wore to leave the house.  One of those things WAS THIS:

SWEET JESUS, what IS that THING? I have the vapors.

Heidi also came to basically every awards show there is, for which I also love her. This, at the Oscars, is feathered AND sheer? At the Grammys, she did another play on wings (although it was sort of fun). Her Golden Globes dress was…a mistake, at least from the waist up.  This Kids’ Choice Awards look might have involved Kleenex? (Having said all of that, her Emmys look was actually really good.) (As was her Creative Arts Emmys look, actually. REALLY good.)

Speaking of Stuff Happening from the Waist Up, this was so much boob:

This was ALSO a lot of boob:

This seems about right. Wouldn’t it be interesting to see Heidi totally shift gears and start going everywhere in turtlenecks and brilliant trousers? Like, what if she and Rosamund Pike were to switch wardrobes?

Like, more than anything else, I think Heidi is also getting…boring. Like, this is slightly weird, but it feels so much fresher on her than something like this, which…WE GET IT. (This was cute, though.)

Those sleeves are…a statement.

Iskra is kind of a new face, but do not underestimate her! And I feel like Heidi would approve of this:

This almost works, but it also almost doesn’t totally match?

WHAT IS THIS SLEEVE?

If that sleeve is not how sleeves work — AND IT IS NOT — then these are not strictly how pants work:

And I’d argue that these are not exactly how peep-toes OR boots are meant to work, although I also think Heidi would wear this (bringing us once again full-circle):

This does NOT do her justice at all:

LADIES! Not everything from the early aughts could come back, and that top is one of those things!

Vote before I have to take what my grandma used to called “her nerve pills.” (They were just aspirin.)