Fug File: Unfug It Up

Unfug It Up: Helen Mirren

It goes without saying that Helen Mirren is an extremely dishy dame, and that if my face and body can pull off those miracles at fifty-nine, much less sixty-nine, I will renounce my crabapplecism and devote my life to hugs.

But here’s the thing. That’s not great. It just isn’t. Not the sweater, not the lampshade, not the shoes. (I’ll give her the tights. Girlfriend is almost seventy. Do what you need to do, Helen.) I want her to be this unerring bastion of cool, but when it comes to her wardrobe, Dame Helen is mortal.

I cannot believe I’m about to say this, but: Would this be BETTER with a nude shoe that plays off the dress and — if we must keep it — the cardie? I definitely would prefer it if the overskirt were all blue, and not simply a landing strip, and if the underskirt poking out looked less twee. Speaking of twee: this movie. Her accent is distracting in the previews, right? And Of COURSE It’s from the director of Chocolat. Apparently Lasse Hallstrom really enjoys Small-Town Denizens Drop Their Prejudice Through Orgasmic Mouthfeel.

I was going to segue by writing, “Speaking of orgasmic mouthfeel,” but that’s just a lie. Really, I just wanted to share some Mirren Sass.

honesty in segues is important


Unfug or Fab: Nina Dobrev in Versace

Well, as the Bearded Sages once said, she’s got legs and she knows how to use ‘em.

Nina Dobrev in Versace (1)

But for my money, that’s way too short (and also I just noticed the giant Band-Aid on her calf, which makes it look like she cut herself shaving, which made me laugh in a sympathetic way — like, that is some unkind timing, there, Universe). I think the entire enterprise would be more flattering, even WITH her fab gams, if it were a few inches longer. Stuffing oneself into the shortest, tightest things around feels very Junior Starlet or She’s Still Got It, and Nina is too famous at this point, I think, for the former, and too young for the latter. She can be less obvious.

Let’s have a gander at the front:

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Unfug It Up Toni Collette

I DO like her earrings:

And I get that there is something APPEALING about this. I like it in the way I like certain things in the J Crew catalog, where I know that I could never and will never wear them but the exotic location J Crew has shipped everyone off to makes me think things like, “maybe if I went to Greece, I would wear that linen pop-over atop my bikini!” or whatever you think when you’re looking through your J Crew catalog.  Here, I’m like, “maybe if she were a really eccentric woman who serves a lot of things out of tagines by her pool at her summer place and pours all her cocktails into incredibly thick glass tumblers and doesn’t believe in sunscreen in a way that’s going to end poorly for her decolletage eventually.” Which means, I guess, that I’m not actually changing the OUTFIT, I’m just putting it on a completely other human being as a way to salvage it.

[Photo: Splash]


UnFug It Up: Nicole Richie

I am deeply perplexed by this entire thing:

Wide-legged white pants (fine), seafoam green lace pillowcase shirt (wha?) and Maidenform bra (?!?!?!?!!!!). That’s not even getting started on the weird-ass proportions of this thing — is it possible for an outfit to make a person’s head look small? Does she need a beehive to balance things out? Big hair is generally my answer to every problem so I might be off-base there – or the fact that I just had the most horrifying thought pop into my head, unbidden. It was, “…this might be better if it were just a bra top.”  I NEED TO TAKE TO MY BED.



Unfug It Up: Karolina Kurkova

Wow, it’s like the opposite of SJP’s dress. HER elbows have WINDOWS.

Karolina Kurkova amfAR inspiration gala

I’m sorry to see that she apparently broke both her forearms, though. Do you think she’d let me sign her casts? I think on one of them I would write, “Thou Shalt Not Foresake Mascara,” and on the other, “Thou Shalt Not Reveal The Colonel’s Secret Recipe.”

[Photo: Splash]


Unfug or Fab: Laverne Cox

The short version of THIS post is: I WANT to love it.

But I have almost never gone with the short version, ever, so why start now? I love Laverne on Orange Is The New Black — I’m only two episodes into the new season, so no spoilers here, except that she’s had limited work so far and yet she still repeatedly brings so much character and charm just to a handful of lines. There is something soothing about her, too. If I were in women’s prison, I would be in her hairdresser chair ALL THE TIME and basically then be her little groupie, because she would Get-A-Grip me through my sentence AND keep my grays hidden to boot. HOWEVER: The dress. I like the color but I’m not sure all that tulle swaddling is my personal cup of tea, nor are those kinds of dresses that stop what they’re doing two-thirds of the way down and then just HANG the rest of the way. Fug Nation, I place Laverne here in your tenderest of hands. What would you do to make this ASTONISHING and not merely pretty good? And how CUTE is her clutch, and how glad are we that she does not need a bracelet? So much to love here; let’s play fantasy stylist on the gown to make it perfect.

[Photo: Getty]