Fug Madness 2014, Round Two: Madonna Bracket, Bottom Half

 

(2) JESSIE J vs. (10) MALIN AKERMAN

Two lovers of jumpsuits enter, one lover of jumpsuits leaves! First up, Jessie J:

Her lipstick makes her face look dead. But Malin’s jumpsuit makes her head look like it’s on backwards:

Hard to say which is worse, but that’s why we’re all here.

Jessie J has an enviable depth of fug to be mined — the Fug Madness equivalent of the tournament’s “strength of schedule” qualifier. Look at all these oufits we haven’t even talked about yet! This is just a tiny tube and a skirt:

This is the same dress that we’ve already seen on Kat Graham. In Jessie J’s defense, she might be selling it better than Kat did:

She wore that outside, to a Christmas-time event in London, so apparently Jessie J is also super-humanly warm. She’s also a lover of wacky performance-wear:

And as far as that category goes, there is SO much more; there’s also this crazy look, and this nutty thing.

And then, finally, we’ve got some sideboob and some shorty shorts, all in one extra-misguided outfit:

That is, as Tim Gunn would say — this being the second time today I’ve quoted the esteemed Mr Gunn — a whole lot of look.

As, frankly, is this:

Each of those dresses is surely fine on its own, but one on top of the other is probably too much.

Speaking of too much:

STILL speaking of too much — and, frankly, looking like things are on backwards:

And while you saw both the aforementioned and the next look in the past round, they’re too cruel not to be revisited:

Feel free to likewise revisit Malin’s archives. And then you know what do to:

(3) CATE BLANCHETT vs. (11) JESSICA WHITE

Talk about two people who will literally never hang out.

Blanchett stretched her Carte Blanchett to the limits this year. She may well be into her overdraft. For example:

That dress falls under the umbrella of Yeah, I Get It. I Just Think It’s Ugly.

Jessica White ALSO wears gowns with a lot of hoo-ha falling off of them. For example, this  — which, I could argue, Blanchett herself might have worn:

Shapewise, it’s not THAT far removed from this fresh Givenchy hell:

I don’t know that I think Jessica White, however, would ever attempt to wear the blanket that normally lives on the back of her sofa:

But I am DEVASTATED, frankly, that Cate didn’t wear this to accept her Oscar:

Can you even? That would have been the best thing that ever happened to any of us. The following two dresses, on the other hand, haven’t ever been good for anyone:

Ugh.

Argh.

And yikes. That’s totally not a real outfit; that’s something she found in the back of her linen closet. Speaking of, why don’t you dig around Jessica White’s archives, and then revisit the life and times of La Blanchett?