As a refresher: The photos are merely a representative sample of the body of work; all outfits from the post-Oscars 2013 to post-Oscars 2014 period are eligible. Polls close after 24 hours; clear your cache and vote often, and if you like to research your choices — on our site, Getty Images, Google, whatever — have at it. If you missed Round One and need a primer on how all this works, peruse the FAQ.
(1) RIHANNA vs. (8) JESSICA BIEL
Well, this Jessica Biel outfit wasn’t in our sub, so I’m forced to link to it. If you don’t click, let me sum up: Square translucent sleeves and only half a skirt — meaning, a peplum on her left, and knee-length on her right. Yeah. It happened.
As did this:
I know it was the Met Ball, and the theme was rock-and-roll, but… not only is this not a great fit with that, but you can’t give her any kind of costumey pass on the leggings because we already know she’s prepared to wear see-through pants in real life:
DON’T HUDGENS YOURSELF. Justin’s eyes are so glassy. He knows. HE KNOWS. And he fears.
And he SHOULD fear:
You don’t have to compete with Beyonce, kid. You’re both lovely women, but trying to out-cray Beyonce is like bringing a butter knife to a bayonet fight. You just end up looking sad. Although it’s easier for you to eat butter, so there’s that.
Biel did wear some things that were not transparent, like this questionable skirt on a Dior gown (although I’d kill for J.Lawr to get anything that questionable), and some questionable shoulder frosting, and this questionable matador-ish pantsuit:
I didn’t hate this in theory, but the shoes and the head-styling didn’t give it the boost it needed. Still, we have to at least acknowledge that she wore some opacity.
I say this a lot, but: EVERY TIME I see that tattoo, my first reaction is to think she has dirt under her boobs. Not the best look, but if a high-school wrestling match breaks out, she’s ready.
This outfit gives her neck hair:
It also looks like she’s wearing an animal-skin rug. She MIGHT be. I would not put it past Rihanna. Half of what she wears is barely a garment in the first place, like this bathrobe, or this:
More thought was put into the boots than the rest of it.
And this is basically only an outfit thanks to one button:
Rihanna really likes the clothes that are depending on one tiny closure to keep you covered. She also apparently likes wearing shirts with the word SLUTZ on the chest, overalls, ANOTHER crazy-ass pantsuit (this time with flowers), and sheers:
Those people with the iPhones must have fairly explicit photos of her backside. A risk she is apparently MORE than happy to take, which makes her kindred spirits with her opponent here.
Whose fug reigns supreme?
- RIhanna (71%, 4,580 Votes)
- Jessica Biel (29%, 1,885 Votes)
Total Voters: 6,457
These two have a fair bit in common, actually. Some of the DIFFERENCES are that Zosia loves a pantsuit more than your average bear, and Wiig defaults to neutrals too often (and the times she’s worn pants, she went Full Ascot and Full Flared Jumpsuit). But see here: Zosia likes to COMMIT to a pattern…
… and when Wiig goes there, she REALLY goes there, too:
Like, Edna from Bingo Night is coveting this right now. Also, note the topknot; before her awesome bob, Zosia also enjoyed those:
She also apparently enjoyed turning into a blueberry that one time and is hoping it will happen again; sadly for her, Willy Wonka has since learned about a little thing called “lawsuits.” (This blue and red thing is a travesty, too.)
Wiig has also worn blue:
But she tempered it with this heavy coral and strange stitching ,and… look, she tried, but that is kind of crazy. It looks like an overdesigned formal living room.
Zosia likes to wear white that’s too short:
Ditto Kristen Wiig:
And let’s all give a BIG ol’ buzzer to the shoes here, before we lick a stamp and stick it on her chest and mail her back to sender.
Zosia’s boobs like to fight crime:
Kristen Wiig’s boobs ALSO like to fight crime… we’re assuming, because who doesn’t like fighting crime? There is no proof of this though, so instead we’ll just go to the leg:
Her facial expression EXACTLY matches what mine was when I got a load of that baggy dress and the TERRIBLE HORRIBLE NO GOOD VERY BAD shoe choice the color of baby waste.
Zosia occasionally wears yellow:
Kristen Wiig also likes a spot of yellow, and also, things that are yellowed:
They are a formidable pair.
Whose fug reigns supreme?
- Kristen Wiig (35%, 2,300 Votes)
- Zosia Mamet (65%, 4,307 Votes)
Total Voters: 6,604