CCB: Hey, Lori.
LL: Hey, Candace. You look adorable.
CCB: And you… are also here.
LL: What?
CCB: You are as gorgeous as ever, but… listen, have you gone wading recently? Like, five minutes ago, even?
LL: Only through MEMORIES. Why?
CCB: Well, it’s just that your pants… you know what, if I had a history of bad romantic timing with John Stamos, I would wade through memories too, and also possibly vats of gold nail polish.
LL: Have you been FOLLOWING ME?!
CCB: Never mind.
RDJ: Guten Tag, Lady Paltrow. Fine day for it. Fine, fine day.
GWYNETH: For what?
RDJ: For wearing my manty-hosen, Queen G.
GWYNETH: Manty-hosen?
RDJ: It’s what I call my lederhosen. My German garb. We’re in Munich, after all. I thought I’d dress the part. Why no dirndl, Duchess GOOPsalot?
GWYNETH: Robert, I can’t be seen engaging in hijinks. I have a cookbook now. Two, actually. I’m a mogul.
RDJ: Tell me, O Bride of GOOPenstein, does one of the recipes call for a pinch from a Pepper Potts?
GWYNETH: Very funny, Robert. You’re like the spirit of Richard Simmons in the body of a movie star Eagle Scout.
RDJ: That is the HIGHEST compliment, GOOP Beverly Hills.
[Photo: Getty]
TINA: Hi, Paul.
PAUL: Greetings, milady.
TINA: [Something very naturally hilarious that really can't be approximated]
PAUL: Ha! Yes. You are so naturally hilarious, it really can’t be approximated.
TINA: [Jokes charmingly about how weird it is that her upturned eyeball is visible between them]
PAUL: That joke was charming. And you look great. Leather works on you.
TINA: [Something unspeakably funny about Paul's mustache]
PAUL: Thanks. I’ve been shooting Anchorman, so if I shave it off prematurely they’re going to make me clean Will Ferrell’s grease traps for a month using only sponges made from his chest shavings.
TINA: [She has thoughts that are brilliant]
PAUL: I’ve been working really hard to make sure it looks exactly like you could rip it off, stick it to something, and lift.
TINA: [We can only imagine]
PAUL: BRILLIANT.
[Photo: Getty]
JESSICA: Isn’t he adorable?
JUSTIN: COME WITH ME TO YONDER FASHION DISPLAY.
JESSICA: Right! That’s what we’re here for. A fashion show.
JUSTIN: LET US TWINE OUR FOREARMS IN TRUEST LOVE.
JESSICA: Yeah, that’s… yeah! Fine!
JUSTIN: AND WE SHALL DISPLAY OUR PASSION DEAR LADY.
JESSICA: … Okay, sure, I… no, “dear lady” is basically an anti-aphrodisiac.
JUSTIN: MAWWIAGE. MAWWIAGE IS WHAT BWINGS US TOGETHAAA TOWAAAAY.
JESSICA: Please let’s just go inside and sit down.
[Photos: Getty Note: For the complete show, check out Style.com]
TIM: We are so coordinated!
FAITH: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
TIM: That wasn’t a joke, babe. Just an observation. We look like two formal salutes to the black and white cookie.
FAITH: Jerry Seinfeld once said that he loved the black and white cookie because it was two races of flavor living side by side in harmony, and a wonderful thing. LOOK TO THE COOKIE, TIM. LOOK TO THE COOKIE.
TIM: And then he and Elaine fought a woman over a babka. I don’t know if Seinfeld is a good sartorial inspiration. Although I do agree with George that we really should all drape ourselves in velvet.
FAITH: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
TIM: You are acting so weird tonight.
FAITH: The truth is, I’m uncomfortable in this.
TIM: Why? You look comfortable! It’s fetching.
FAITH: I am just more accustomed to wriggling around in pleather football pants.
TIM: You can put those on when we get home.
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7 photos in gallery
Teen Choice Awards I’m Old Carpet: One Direction
No. 1: Please don’t hate me. I’m so innocuous. I just want to go home.
No. 2: I call this Huck Finn Chic.
No. 3: Am I in this band? Which band is this? Does anyone want to trade?
No. 4: I totally went blond before Bieber could do it. CHECK and MATE.
Harry Styles: My skin is my t-shirt. I’m going rogue, and I am basically f’ing with everybody right now. Get ready, ladies. My second direction is HERE.
[Photo: Getty]
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