Fug File: Dialogues

Susan Fugrandon

SUSAN: Hey, Thelma.

GEENA: Hey, Louise.

SUSAN: You look… my GOD, woman, were you always this tall?


SUSAN: Lucky.

GEENA: I know, right? And… were you always this… doily’d?



SUSAN: I’m just kidding. I have no idea what is happening on my body right now.

GEENA: I was going to say. Your head is outstanding, but from the neck down you look like a third-grade teacher whose class tried to trap her inside snowflakes of homicidal doom.

SUSAN: Well, I’m sure it wouldn’t be the first time.

GEENA: But… I mean, are you wearing… a garment, of some kind, that hides your Sarandon? Or is that just a long shirt with… what is happening?

SUSAN: Geena, seriously, I don’t know. I play ping-pong now.

GEENA: I see.

SUSAN: And that’s a gateway to beer pong, so basically, you’re lucky I’m not curled up inside a Solo cup right now.

GEENA: It might be a better fashion statement.

SUSAN: Whatever, Thelma. You are wearing a mud puddle.

GEENA: Have you ever gone as Susan Saran Wrap for Halloween? I just have to ask.

SUSAN: Hop in my car. I have a cliff I’d like to show you.

[Photo: Getty]


VMAs Pantsless Carpet: Danity Kane

In which Danity Kane “reunites” and the world responds with a resounding, “Wait, who are they again?”

To which we say, “You know, that girl group from Making The Band that brought us Fug Madness Champion 2009 Aubrey O’Day (third from the left) who has chopped off her hair but has kindly continued to bring us fashion shenanigans by ALSO apparently chopping off her pants. The entirety of the reborn Danity Kane, in fact, shuns pants. They’re coming to us on an anti-pants mission. Which actually might mean they’re perfectly poised for a return to MTV.”

[Photo: Getty]


Teen Choice Awards I’m Old Carpet: One Direction

No. 1: Please don’t hate me. I’m so innocuous. I just want to go home.

No. 2: I call this Huck Finn Chic.

No. 3: Am I in this band? Which band is this? Does anyone want to trade?

No. 4: I totally went blond before Bieber could do it. CHECK and MATE.

Harry Styles: My skin is my t-shirt. I’m going rogue, and I am basically f’ing with everybody right now. Get ready, ladies. My second direction is HERE.

[Photo: Getty]


Fug House

CCB: Hey, Lori.

LL: Hey, Candace. You look adorable.

CCB: And you… are also here.

LL: What?

CCB: You are as gorgeous as ever, but… listen, have you gone wading recently? Like, five minutes ago, even?

LL: Only through MEMORIES. Why?

CCB: Well, it’s just that your pants… you know what, if I had a history of bad romantic timing with John Stamos, I would wade through memories too, and also possibly vats of gold nail polish.

LL: Have you been FOLLOWING ME?!

CCB: Never mind.


Fug or Fab: Gwyneth Paltrow

RDJ: Shall we tango?

GOOP: I… what, now?


GOOP: Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, dude. Does it ALWAYS have to be shtick?

RDJ: Whiskey Tan… oh, I see what you did there, Ms. Military Alphabet. I like it. You can have this round. Let’s just let the people look at your outfit.


you may be excused, robert


Germanly Played, Robert Downey Jr.

GWYNETH: Good day, Robert.

RDJ: Guten Tag, Lady Paltrow. Fine day for it. Fine, fine day.

GWYNETH: For what?

RDJ: For wearing my manty-hosen, Queen G.

GWYNETH: Manty-hosen?

RDJ: It’s what I call my lederhosen. My German garb. We’re in Munich, after all. I thought I’d dress the part. Why no dirndl, Duchess GOOPsalot?

GWYNETH: Robert, I can’t be seen engaging in hijinks. I have a cookbook now. Two, actually. I’m a mogul.

RDJ: Tell me, O Bride of GOOPenstein, does one of the recipes call for a pinch from a Pepper Potts?

GWYNETH: Very funny, Robert. You’re like the spirit of Richard Simmons in the body of a movie star Eagle Scout.

RDJ: That is the HIGHEST compliment, GOOP Beverly Hills.

[Photo: Getty]