Fug File: Dialogues

Teen Choice Awards I’m Old Carpet: One Direction


No. 1: Please don’t hate me. I’m so innocuous. I just want to go home.

No. 2: I call this Huck Finn Chic.

No. 3: Am I in this band? Which band is this? Does anyone want to trade?

No. 4: I totally went blond before Bieber could do it. CHECK and MATE.

Harry Styles: My skin is my t-shirt. I’m going rogue, and I am basically f’ing with everybody right now. Get ready, ladies. My second direction is HERE.

[Photo: Getty]

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Fug House


CCB: Hey, Lori.

LL: Hey, Candace. You look adorable.

CCB: And you… are also here.

LL: What?

CCB: You are as gorgeous as ever, but… listen, have you gone wading recently? Like, five minutes ago, even?

LL: Only through MEMORIES. Why?

CCB: Well, it’s just that your pants… you know what, if I had a history of bad romantic timing with John Stamos, I would wade through memories too, and also possibly vats of gold nail polish.

LL: Have you been FOLLOWING ME?!

CCB: Never mind.

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Fug or Fab: Gwyneth Paltrow


RDJ: Shall we tango?

GOOP: I… what, now?

RDJ: WE SHALL TANGO.

GOOP: Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, dude. Does it ALWAYS have to be shtick?

RDJ: Whiskey Tan… oh, I see what you did there, Ms. Military Alphabet. I like it. You can have this round. Let’s just let the people look at your outfit.

GOOP: FINALLY. FOR ONCE. Thank you.

you may be excused, robert

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Germanly Played, Robert Downey Jr.


GWYNETH: Good day, Robert.

RDJ: Guten Tag, Lady Paltrow. Fine day for it. Fine, fine day.

GWYNETH: For what?

RDJ: For wearing my manty-hosen, Queen G.

GWYNETH: Manty-hosen?

RDJ: It’s what I call my lederhosen. My German garb. We’re in Munich, after all. I thought I’d dress the part. Why no dirndl, Duchess GOOPsalot?

GWYNETH: Robert, I can’t be seen engaging in hijinks. I have a cookbook now. Two, actually. I’m a mogul.

RDJ: Tell me, O Bride of GOOPenstein, does one of the recipes call for a pinch from a Pepper Potts?

GWYNETH: Very funny, Robert. You’re like the spirit of Richard Simmons in the body of a movie star Eagle Scout.

RDJ: That is the HIGHEST compliment, GOOP Beverly Hills.

[Photo: Getty]

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Well Played, Tina Fey/Mustachely Played, Paul Rudd


TINA: Hi, Paul.

PAUL: Greetings, milady.

TINA: [Something very naturally hilarious that really can't be approximated]

PAUL: Ha! Yes. You are so naturally hilarious, it really can’t be approximated.

TINA: [Jokes charmingly about how weird it is that her upturned eyeball is visible between them]

PAUL: That joke was charming. And you look great. Leather works on you.

TINA: [Something unspeakably funny about Paul's mustache]

PAUL: Thanks. I’ve been shooting Anchorman, so if I shave it off prematurely they’re going to make me clean Will Ferrell’s grease traps for a month using only sponges made from his chest shavings.

TINA: [She has thoughts that are brilliant]

PAUL: I’ve been working really hard to make sure it looks exactly like you could rip it off, stick it to something, and lift.

TINA: [We can only imagine]

PAUL: BRILLIANT.

[Photo: Getty]

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London Fugshion Week: Tom Ford


JUSTIN: CHERISHED LIFE PARTNER, YOU ARE A VISION.

JESSICA: Isn’t he adorable?

JUSTIN: COME WITH ME TO YONDER FASHION DISPLAY.

JESSICA: Right! That’s what we’re here for. A fashion show.

JUSTIN: LET US TWINE OUR FOREARMS IN TRUEST LOVE.

JESSICA: Yeah, that’s… yeah! Fine!

JUSTIN: AND WE SHALL DISPLAY OUR PASSION DEAR LADY.

JESSICA: … Okay, sure, I… no, “dear lady” is basically an anti-aphrodisiac.

JUSTIN: MAWWIAGE. MAWWIAGE IS WHAT BWINGS US TOGETHAAA TOWAAAAY.

JESSICA: Please let’s just go inside and sit down.

[Photos: Getty   Note: For the complete show, check out Style.com]

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CMA Awards Fug or Fab: Tim McGraw and Faith Hill


TIM: We are so coordinated!

FAITH: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

TIM: That wasn’t a joke, babe. Just an observation. We look like two formal salutes to the black and white cookie.

FAITH: Jerry Seinfeld once said that he loved the black and white cookie because it was two races of flavor living side by side in harmony, and a wonderful thing. LOOK TO THE COOKIE, TIM. LOOK TO THE COOKIE.

TIM: And then he and Elaine fought a woman over a babka. I don’t know if Seinfeld is a good sartorial inspiration. Although I do agree with George that we really should all drape ourselves in velvet.

FAITH: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

TIM: You are acting so weird tonight.

FAITH: The truth is, I’m uncomfortable in this.

TIM: Why? You look comfortable! It’s fetching.

FAITH: I am just more accustomed to wriggling around in pleather football pants.

TIM: You can put those on when we get home.

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