Fug File: Gossip Girl
Plotwise: Same old. Chuck loves Blair! Blair loves Chuck! Blair can’t be with Chuck because of [insert thing here]. But then [insert thing here] goes away and Blair decides she can’t be with Chuck anyway because of [insert other thing here]. In this case, it’s her pre-nup, and then the fact that Blair decides she loves Chuck but she’s IN love with Dan. Uh-huh. Not with that hair, people. Never. Oh, and when Serena’s grandmother dies, the lid blows off the whole Ivy-Isn’t-The-Real-Charlie-Rhodes thing, and grandma knew and left her everything anyway. So the keys to the penthouse are in the impostor’s purse. WHAT UP, UPPER EAST SQUATTERS.
Plotwise: Lots. Blair is being a martyr, like EVERYONE ELSE on this show (Chuck decides about twice a week that he’s going to quit the Blair hunt because he loves her, Blair is avoiding Chuck because she loves him and won’t tell him, Dan is tailing around doing Blair’s bidding because he loves her but won’t tell her, Nate pals around with everyone because he is willing to love any of them if they would just love him back and yet he won’t tell them that; etc). So she decides to go through with the wedding — even when her OWN MOTHER hauls Chuck TO THE CHURCH and basically tells him to wang his magic on Blair. It doesn’t work; she blah-blahs about how she can’t be with him because she loves him, for the eightieth time. Meanwhile, Georgina wants to ruin Blair’s wedding to Louiiiiiiis because, well, she hates Blair for getting her “remanded to rehab, booted out of Bible Camp,” and then something else. Possibly foiling her plan to pass off her Russian baby as Dan’s. Who knows. Anyway, she decides to team up with the Evil Priest to seduce Louiiiiiiis and record it, then show it to Blair. This never happens, because Rufus and Lily ruin everyone’s fun always, so they bust Georgina. So she switches course and videos Blair, in her wedding finery, telling Chuck she still loves him and always will. Then, right as Chuck takes ten breaths at the foot of the altar during the “speak now or forever hold their peace” part of the ceremony and then stupidly (and yet freaking typically, lately, because New Chuck sucks) decides to hold his peace, someone sends Gossip Girl the video Georgina shot. And these high society assholes check their phones IN THE MIDDLE OF A WEDDING, all at once, and start peas-and-carrots-ing about the scoop. Blair runs off in tears. Chuck catches her and confesses that Serena told him about Blair’s pledge to God for Chuck’s life in exchange for their love (which they seriously only had her do off-camera so we could have a fake-out where S tells Dan, “I did something…” and we think maybe she sent in the video). Blair weeps that Chuck doesn’t realize how dead he was until she made that vow, and he rightly tells her to knock it off, but she STILL runs back to Louiiiiiiis AGAIN, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE, and they finish getting married. Seriously, is her crotch made of unicorns? Why does this lispy accented heir even want her at this point? It’s like the tenth time he’s been publicly reminded that she’s not that into him.
Serena finally confesses to Dan that she actually loves him, and he responds with a classically uncomfortable “Ohhhh…. dear” face, possibly because he has seen his hair and he therefore knows her affection cannot be sincere. Nate wooes a catering waitress who, unbeknownst to him but knownst to us, is The Real Charlie Rhodes (and not Fauxlie Rhodes, who disappeared before the hiatus but has red hair now in real life, so I wonder if she’s going to resurface In Disguise somehow). And then. THEN. Blair and Louiiiiis share their marital dance, and right as she moistly tells him she will be a devoted wife, he hisses through clenched teeth that he and his mother decided to go through with the wedding to save face, but that she is otherwise dead to them, they will have nothing to do with her except when publicly required to, and that they will force her to live out the sham of a marriage for as long as they feel like it. This is completely irrational, obviously — the People of Monaco would more likely cheer Louiiiiis for having a spine and dumping Blair at the altar at this point, so this plot development makes as much sense as a dog in a hat. But it’s also deliciously cold and schemey and delivered with Machiavellian relish by the otherwise wussy Louiiiiis, so I enjoyed it. Blair’s response is to call for her knight in shining armor. Cut to Blair outside, hopping in a car she summoned… that Dan is driving. He ganked the Just Married mobile — it was the only one with keys, which makes sense, because there’s no way Dan Humphrey knows how to hot wire a car — and the two of them drive off into the night together. SNAP. Your move, Monaco.
Oh, and by the way? They reveal Georgina Sparks is Gossip Girl. Has she always been, or is she just the new Gossip Girl (as this episode heralds her return after Serena’s brief attempt to destroy her)? Time will tell.
Plotwise: Sadly, Chuck did NOT get Blair Amnesia; instead, Blair lost the baby and then dumped Chuck because she made a pact with God that if he lived she would marry Louis. If she’s going to get all religious about it, doesn’t she think God would rather she didn’t make a mockery of it by marrying a guy she doesn’t love who has no personality? Who is she, Kim Kardashian? And she won’t waver because when she considered reneging, Chuck almost got hit by a taxi. Well, nudged, really. But still. Chuck is after the truth, and he teams up with Evil Priest of Monaco to stop the wedding. Evil Priest wants to stop it because Blair doesn’t like him and wants him gone; Blair’s sister-in-law wanted to stop it because she’s sleeping with Evil Priest and she wants the power that Louiiiiiiiiiiiiiis is going to have, but of course she decides she likes Blair and doesn’t want to hurt her. Meanwhile, Serena is pretending to date Dan because of boring plot reasons that have to do with Blair hiding from Louiiiiiiiiiiiiis that Dan was helping her go to Church blah blah blah Chuck; Dan wants to write another book and nobody cares (meaning, us); Nate learns that his dumb cousin caused the limo crash because he meant to nail Nate, then quits The Spectator because Grandfather zzzzzzzzzz who cares; Serena writes a “good” first blog entry and then quits for zzzzz reasons; and Blair decides she’s right to marry Louiiiiiiis — for the EIGHTIETH TIME — because she found the vows he wrote and they get right into her soul. So of course, we find out Dan wrote them. Poor Dan. You know the show thinks he’s boring when he’s flagrantly in love with Blair and they’re not even PRETENDING she could love him back.
Plotwise, I’m not sure this episode was, though: This show was doing a whole thing where Unlikely Media Mogul Elizabeth Hurley wanted to take down Gossip Girl, so Nate got someone to hack into Gossip Girl and find a list of tips sent in to her, and the identities of the senders. This led to all these scenes where Serena and Blair and others were stressing over people finding out how many tips they’d sent in, and later, an intimate moment in which S and B giggled guiltily to each other about which of them had sent more. EXCEPT, Serena had turned down UMM Elizabeth Hurley’s request that she be a society blogger because of how Gossip Girl had ruined lives, and then AGAIN in this episode Serena was whining about how much pain Gossip Girl causes and how she needs to be ruined RUINED I TELL YOU. Here’s an idea: Stop sending her tips, hypocrite. Also, Chuck and Blair decided to get back together and tell Frenchy-pants Prince Louiiiiiiis about their true love, so they got into a limo that the paparazzi was chasing on motorcycles — because Serena’s Fake Cousin Charlie tipped off Gossip Girl so that it would ruin her party and thus HER ex-boyfriend couldn’t show up and reveal her true identity — and then the car crashed, and it was all very uncomfortably Princess Diana, in a way that felt rather gross and inappropriately trivializing. And Blair is supposedly awake — no word about the baby, although I had assumed this was their way out of that story, which also is kind of icky — but Chuck’s condition is making people cry and that was our cliff-hanger. My prediction is that this will flip the coin once more and give him Blair-related amnesia so that now she loves him and he doesn’t remember her, so she never tells Louis that she was going to leave him, and then suddenly on her wedding day Chuck. Will. Remember. I have read no spoilers; that’s just a guess. But if it comes true then I will reward myself with a cookie.
Let’s check out the clothes.