You know, now that Vanessa has been bounced from Gossip Girl, Jessica Szohr may wish she hadn’t marketed herself for SoBe as “Vanessa from Brooklyn,” because now she just kind of sounds like a stripper who isn’t telling you her real information. Like, “What’s your name?” “What do you want it to be?” “Well, my first grade crush was named Vanessa and I really like David Beckham and his kids, so…” “Fine, baby, just call me Vanessa from Brooklyn.”

She is dressed, however, exactly the opposite of a stripper.

I mean, granted, every stripper has to start from SOMEWHERE, but very few of them kick off their evenings looking like they walked out of White House Black Market’s summer ad campaign. The paisley in and of itself doesn’t offend me, though. It’s where she took it.

Now she looks like Vanessa from some dopey Punk’d show where she blends into the couch and you don’t know she’s there until you’ve sat on her and she shrieks. She’s a Master Home Furnishings Illusionist. You’d think, if you were a freshly unemployed Jessica Szohr, you’d want to be neither a) Vanessa from Brooklyn in national radio ads, nor b) Vanessa the Magician from Ethan Allen, nor c) that girl whose feet got sucked away when somebody trued to vacuum under the drapes that are her pants. I think a reboot is in order. Preferably with visible boots.