ESPYs Pre-Fug and then Better Played Carpet: Kerri Walsh

Let’s start with the good news:

Tate Donovan is at the ESPYs. Actually, that’s not even good or bad news; it’s just NEWS, as in, “Why is the dude from Space Camp at the ESPYs?” Yes, even with Damages and The O.C. and dating Jennifer Aniston, he will always be The Dude From Space Camp to me.

Towering over him is Kerri Walsh, and I’m showing you this because it at least looks decent on her, and I wanted you to have a happy thought before I hit you with what she wore the day before:

Let’s begin by being all Ron Obvious about this: Your skin color should not be the same shade as an Olympic medal. ANY of them. Beyond that, though, this whole look is toxic. Kerri Walsh had a baby in April, and she is clearly bouncing back from that admirably; also, we’ve all seen her basically naked on a beach volleyball court, so we know her body is the longest and leanest and strongest thing there is — like a fireman’s pole but with sinew. She is enviable regardless of how recently there was a baby in there. So this gold-leaf tragedy should be arrested and charged with grievous bodily harm. LOOK AT HER. How hard can it be to find something that glorifies that form instead of sabotages it? If she can’t do it, then I might as well give up and order ten Etsy caftans.

[Photo: Getty]

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Comments (42):

  1. qwertygirl

    I actually flinched when this appeared on my screen. Not only is it horrendous, but to add insult to injury, NAB. Even if it were perfectly fitted, lovely, flattering…basically everything this is not, it would still NAB.

  2. Maria L.

    I absolutely agree with everything you say, but I have to add that 10 Etsy caftans sound pretty comfortable.

    • Jasmine

      I support the purchase of Etsy caftans because… caftans. *swishes away*

    • HelenBackAgain

      Yeah, I’m… kind of up for the caftans.

      • Kalli

        What the hell is an “Etsy caftan”? All the clothes I see for sale on Etsy usually look targeted to skinny, trendy girls (albeit home-sewn or screenprinted by some twee girl in Portland or whatever) who can’t afford $2,000 mini dresses or whatever is churned out by overpriced designer brands, but still want to look cute.

        • Jessica

          Really? I have a ton of caftans I bought on Etsy. Search vintage. Let the caftans roll in. Be at one with them.

  3. Carol

    She can’t comfortably sit down in either dress without revealing much too much …

    • Nanc in Ashland

      Spot on! In fact, she can’t uncomfortably sit down without pulling a figure “skating Hi here’s my crotch!”

  4. ErinB

    I have a really difficult time finding awesome strapless dresses due to my height. The waist always end up falling directly under-boob and often dresses that are supposed to be cut to the knee instead fall somewhere mid-thigh. I’m only 6′ tall, so if Kerri Walsh is a full 2 inches taller, I can’t imagine the trouble she has.

    Of course, she also likely has a few more advertising endorsements than I do, so she could probably commission an amazing dress (or two). I like the *idea* of the gold dress… it’s very Glamazon/Valkyrie/Wonder Woman, but I’d prefer it were a bit longer.

    • Jen S 2.0

      So much this. So much potential … such bad proportions. both times.

  5.  Emma

    The worst thing about these teeny tiny dresses is that they make the rest of the body look bulky and masculine by comparison. Just put it away, we don’t need to see ALL of your bones.

  6. maryse

    yeah she needs a dress that flatters her height better. tiny strapless dresses do not do that.

  7. Sandra

    oh dear! She deserves much better than this.

  8. Brenna

    It’s cracking me up how teeny she’s making Tate Donovan look (height-wise).

    I like the color of that first dress on her; it’s super flattering. The other one – not so much.

    • G

      And the worst part for Tate is that he’s actually kind of tall for Hollywood standards- supposedly he’s 6′- but she makes him look like Tom Cruise here!

      • HelenBackAgain

        I think that shoe’s normally about a 5″ heel. In her size, it might well be more like 7″.

        That’ll do it!

  9. googler

    I’ll jump on the “she’s too tall for these dresses” bandwagon. The woman has an amazing body, and these do her no justice. On the bright side (for her), my stumpy legs are green with envy right now.

  10. nicolegrr

    I agree with the comments about the unfortunate stumpifying effect of the dresses, but I love that she’s wearing heels to enhance her already awesome 6’2″ height.

  11. Stefanie

    It looks like it shrank in the wash. Not good. Not good at all.

  12. Cat

    I don’t think either of these dresses is very good for her body type. The blue color is beautiful, but doesn’t fit right… and the gold is just plain awful!

  13. jean

    I love the blue dress on her and I love that Tate Donovan looks wee against her when I think of him as being above average height (or maybe average–5′ 11ish?) Imagine her next to Seacrest! Hee.

  14. Mina

    She’s got legs, she doesn’t know she doesn’t need to wear short dresses to show them off!
    She’s standin’ on her legs wonderin’ if you can see them.
    Would you get behind this dress if it fit her better?
    She’s at the ESPYS, she’s at the ESPYS
    Yeah, it’s not alright.

  15. Lori

    This is painful because I love her so, so much. She posed naked with little Marjorie, and I’m telling you, her body looks SO MUCH BETTER than this. Damn it, don’t waste the pretty!

  16. holly

    She does play an outdoor sport in a bikini. I’d give her a pass on the bronze skin.

  17.  jay

    Something about the dress + the hair makes her head look SO TINY.

    • Milly

      It really does look shockingly tiny. I wish she looked better; I feel certain that she could but she should maybe dress with some consideration for that tiny pin head she’s got. Some hair or maybe an actual neckline?

  18.  Squirrel!


  19. val.

    I’m 6’0″ and pretty leggy. The problem with short, strapless dresses is that they accentuate how many total square inches of body you have and it makes you look bigger than you are. I have no problem with the length of the dresses here, but she needs sleeves. Conversely, keep it strapless and get a longer dress.

    •  Billie

      THIS. So much skin is exposed that it throws the proportions of it all off.

    •  Beth

      Isn’t one of the cardinal rules of fashion “Legs or Arms”? As in, you can show off one or the other, but not both, and definitely not to this extent. If the dresses had extended to her kneecaps or so, then we’d be in business.

      • Molly

        It is actually “legs or boobs” (something Heidi routinely forgets) but yeah, as another tall one (but with much more torso than leg) and these dresses are all wrong for her. They slump too low on her boobs and are too short on her legs making her look hunched. I do wish someone had styled her better as she is one of my favorite Olympians and she so deserves better than this.

  20. Jules

    I love this for the Ron Obvious reference.

  21. PB

    I understand that Kerri Walsh is quite tall, but my first thought upon seeing that is “Who is that tiny man?”.

  22.  Carolina Girl

    Yeah, I know the gold dress is too — too short and too shiny. But if I could somehow work out a deal where I could get her legs and her abs, I’d wear it to church.

  23. Dutchie

    it must be tough to find flattering dresses at her height! I totally believe she should be cut some major slack for that, and for owning it so hard showing off those stems and wearing heels.

  24. Esme

    Why does her head look like it’s . . .in the distance? And why must she wear a strapless dress? They’re not flattering on a lot of people, and way too many people on whom they’re not flattering insist on wearing them.

    • FormerLibraryChick

      Maybe she has a difficult time finding clothes that accommodate her shoulders? I seem to remember her wearing kinesiology tape at the last Olympics to reduce stress on one of her shoulders, so maybe straps hurt too much due to past injuries?

    • HelenBackAgain

      I’ve come to the conclusion that strapless dresses are just a bad idea in general. Very, very rarely, they can work, but I don’t think those far-apart notable occasions can make up for all the fashion disasters the concept has wrought.

  25. Vanessa

    No no no. All bad.

  26. Sajorina

    1st one = FINE! 2nd one = HELL NO! Looking that good after having a baby = PRICELESS!

  27. Ruth Hirt

    I am interested with Tate Donovan the Argo co-star.

  28.  Vandalfan

    She needs a stylist, or a different one. The blue lace belongs on Hailee Seinfeld, the gold thing on someone hawking vodka in a liquor ad.