Fug File: athletes

Well Played, Jubilant, Oft-Toothless Men In Beards: The Los Angeles Kings Win The Stanley Cup


The juxtaposition of the Stanley Cup and the World Cup has been hilarious: In soccer, dudes drop to the ground writhing in agony and wailing if anyone so much as breathes on them. In hockey, they get hit in the face with sticks and pucks and bleed out all over the ice and just slap on a Band-Aid and get right back out there for their next shift. Even the hockey refs do that. They must watch soccer and be like, “Are you KIDDING? WE NEVER HAD IT SO EASY.”

All the playoffs were amazing — full of breathless hockey at its very fastest and best — but the Kings-Blackhawks series and then this Kings-Rangers series gave us twelve brilliant games, and I’m almost sad it’s over. ALMOST. Because we won. Behold inside: the beards, the bromances, the gums, Darryl Sutter’s facial expressions, the explication of my Magical Haterade and why I should get the Cup for a day, and a baby sitting in Lord Stanley’s trophy.

[Photos: Getty, me]

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Fugs and Fabs: The 2014 NFL Draft


Anthony Barr was not picked first. He did not attend the draft, or at least, he’s not in our subscription. He did, however, days before, attend an event at a Subway store that had SCULPTED HIM OUT OF VEGETABLES. (Apparently this has happened to other guys in the past, also.) Listen up, NCAA athletes: You, too, can someday be featured first in our draft slide, if you just make smart choices.

(Sorry I’m so late with this. Book deadline + ACK = I only watched the third day.)(But the third day was enough, because of Michael Sam, and if you haven’t seen the footage of him weeping and kissing his boyfriend then FIRE UP YOUR KLEENEX because it’s a doozy and ESPN’s Trey Wingo smartly does not yap over it while it plays out, and that makes it so much more powerful.)(And he got a standing ovation from fans in all jerseys at the actual draft in New York.) (And also MMQB did a story on the drama of even getting the footage to ESPN, thanks to weather issues.)

[Photos: Getty]

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Fugs and Fabs: The Kentucky Derby, (Mostly) The Dudes


As often happens at the Derby, the dudes looked WAY snazzier than the ladies did.

[Photos: Getty]

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Vanity Fair Oscar Party Fug Carpet: Serena Williams


Why are there TWO dresses at this party with thigh details? By which I mean, the thigh IS the detail:

That might have been so pretty if it weren’t suffering continental drift.

[Photo: Getty]

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Super Bowl: Namathly Played, Joe Namath


PHIL: Listen, ref, can’t you do something?

TERRY McAULAY: What would you have me do, exactly?

PHIL: You’ve got the flag in your belt. Throw it. Throw some laundry on this play.

JOE: What are you talking about?

TERRY: Sorry, Phil. I just don’t see a foul here.

PHIL: Aw, come on! Neutral zone infraction? If he lined up near the ball that thing would fall across the line for sure.

TERRY: Nope.

PHIL: Unnecessary roughness? To the animal?

TERRY: That’s not for me to judge. It might be faux.

PHIL: I’M SO SURE.

JOE: You don’t know my life.

PHIL: Yes, I do. You’re Broadway Joe. You wear fur coats. You’ve even probably worn this one before.

JOE: Well, then, it’s vintage. BAM.

PHIL: Unsportsmanlike conduct, then?

TERRY: In what way?

PHIL: In the sense that nobody will even notice me standing here if he’s wearing that thing.

TERRY: Phil, I’m sorry. The rules specifically state that any Super Bowl held in the state of New Jersey can and should be treated as if it’s being played on the ice planet Hoth, regardless of the game time temperature. Hell, Jimmy Johnson was walking around with actual tauntaun guts packed inside his coat and you didn’t say anything.

PHIL: Well, I’m not with Jimmy. Listen, Terry. Don’t make me sic Greg Gumbel on you. He looks cuddly but he’ll floss your teeth with your jugular as soon as look at you.

TERRY: Sigh. Yeah, I definitely don’t want to run afoul of the Gumbel Machine.

JOE: This is boring. I’m going to find the Red Hot Chili Peppers. May the furs be with you, always. MIC DROP.

PHIL: …

TERRY: Disgraceful. Let’s call that an illegal hit. Fifteen yards and fifty grand.

PHIL: I knew you’d see things my way.

[Photo: Getty]

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Grammy Party Fug Carpet: Victoria Azarenka


Vika here went down in the quarterfinals of the Australian Open, and got booed by the crowd, which apparently decided last year that Azarenka has a sportsmanship problem (she took a medical timeout in the semi-final at a questionable time).

I’ve decided this dress is her response. She’s saying, “What sportsmanship problem? If I weren’t a good sport, would I wear this thing and smile at the same time? I’m going to get crucified! It’s a pin-striped bag! I’m not even sure the designer was finished with it when I took it! See? GOOD SPORT! LOVE ME, AUSTRALIA. Or at least, don’t hate me, France, because you’re the next Open and Mama needs a payday for some new formalwear.”

[Photo: Fame/Flynet]

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