Fug File: American Idol

Fug the Show: GFY J.Lo does the American Idol Judges

“HOLA LOVERS. Ay, I am not paying attention to Stank Idol this season, but my dancing love block Casper reads bedtime Internet to the children so sometimes I see pictures. And lovers, if Randy Jackson had tried this when I sat next to him, I would have rammed one of Aerospit’s hair extensions up his nose.”

[Photos: Getty, Bauer-Griffin]


Fug the Show: American Idol FINALE! FINALMENTE!

“HOLA LOVERS. I told you. I told you I would wear something shocking and fabuloso, just in case this is my last Lopez Idol and they have to change the name of this to Blige Idol or Gwen Idol or Tom Hanks’s Wife Idol or whatever. (Psst: Do not tell but I will stay if they pay me as much as Britney is getting from Simon Cowell, and also if they build me a bonita glittery disease bubble.) I call this outfit Joan of Arcercise, because on my show here, I am the beautiful young warrior who fights Evil(smith) and looks good in pants and probably also has God’s iPhone number. What, lovers? I need it. He got me out of a jam a few times, like when Marc tried to make my spleen INTO jam. You don’t want to know. Or at least not until I write a book you can buy, lovers.”


Fug the Show: American Idol, Three to Two

“Hola, lovers. Shh. Can you hear it? That is the sound of FREEDOM and it is SO CLOSE, lovers, I can taste it, and it has the flavor of Vitamin C. What, you think I am not going to load up after six months sitting next to Aeroshrivel? HAHHAHAHA you are so cute, lovers.”


Fug the Show: American Idol

“Hola, loverrrrrs. Every week, people beg for your amor by singing. But I do not beg, lovers. I just show you, and you love because you have no choice. Although now that Beyuckce is your nice-looking person of the month or whatever, tengo que remind you that you love me best. And so I sing. Remember my last single? The one about being on the floor? This is totally different, lovers. Because that one was about floors. This one is about being naked with my enormous man-boy ANYWHERE I WANT. It is called Sexy Time Fun Bag. I think? Or maybe it’s called something about dancing. No es importante. Just buy it. Besos!”


Fug the Show: American Idol, Six to Five

“Hola, lovers. We need to talk. I have wounds. Heart wounds.”


Fug the Show: American Idol, Seven Down to Six

“HOLA LOVERS. Last week you voted away one of my favorite pets. I saved her life. I am going to win a Nobel peace thingy for being full of humaniwhateverism. But this week? I come dressed for BATTLE.”