Hola, lovers. No capitals today. Look at my face. That is the image of wah-waaaah. Because we went all over America and listened to sad people singing Bruno Mars and show tunes and stuff by Carrie Underpants and we STILL couldn’t come up with anyone who will ever be as beautiful as yo, or who doesn’t make me want to slap the Easy Spirits off Shirley MacLaine over there. It is going to be a long spring, lovers. This is why I wear beach towels: BOREDOM.”

[Photo: Getty]