Fug the Cover: Zooey Deschanel on Marie Claire

I really do not like this. At all. Let us count the ways.

1. Why are all the cover lines encroaching on her face, when there’s all that empty space at the bottom? Can’t we just scoot everything down a wee and let her breathe?

2. Was there an actual printing error? This cover looks like the person who laid it out was hammered. Why is the plus sign all the way over to the left, like it’s cut off?

3. And why is that stupid plus sign so much bigger than “I Escaped Life With 64 Sister Wives”? That should be bigger. THAT IS A LOT OF SISTER WIVES.

4. Why does Zooey Deschanel have Kristen Stewart’s facial expression?

5. That angle and that glare aren’t doing her loveliness justice at ALL, and they don’t really make me want to hang out with her for the duration of a magazine article.

6. Seriously, she doesn’t have to be cheery all the time, but I don’t think “Surly Zooey Deschanel” is tops on the list of things people want to see in the world.

7. Nor is Hunchback Zooey Deschanel, and yet here she is, too.

8. The Hunchback of Notre Deschanel does have a nice ring about it, though. THAT article, I might have paid to read.

[Photo: Marie Claire]

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Comments (33):

  1. Gigi

    “Sit up straight, missy!” is all I can muster as I devolve further and further into becoming my mother…

    • ohsohappy

      Funny how that happens, isn’t it! I have found myself writing everything down just like she did. And since we live in an era of soooo much information, really, I feel like I’m writing a book sometimes. LOL

  2. TaraMisu

    She looks like she has cramps. She is so pretty but this cover makes her bland and plastic.

    • Annie E

      Yes. They went way overboard with the photoshop. She also looks like she’s about to say something and I hate it.

      • CakesOnAPlane

        looks like the photoshoppers set the “glossy-eyed” setting to Stoned Anime Mannequin.

  3. Stefanie

    Had you not pointed out the sister wife story I wouldnt have ever noticed it but now that I see it all I want to do is read about 64 escaping sisterwives. To hell with Zooey! Put 64 Sisterwives on the cover!

    • Rina

      The Sister Wives header looks like a subtitle to the Zooey article!

      “I escaped the bullying sister wives!”

    • Rebecca Musser

      Thank you for the support Stefanie! I hope you had a chance to read the excerpt from my book, The Witness Wore Red. All my best to you!

  4. Claire1

    Had you not told me who this was I would have thought “Why are they trying to make that model look like a cross between Zooey and Fiona?

  5. leeapeea

    Her face resembles Gwyneth Paltrow’s from that angle. Also, the dress is made from the same material as my Freshman Semi-Formal dress with machine-embroidered asian symbol accents and a mandarin collar from Express in 1995. I think the marie claire staff did the whole cover, from shoot to print, under the influence of some extremely mediocre champers and decent quality ganja. At least I hope that’s what happened.

  6. Pamela

    How can you screw up someone as fresh and lovely as Zooey? BOOOOOOO!

  7.  Sarah

    I actually don’t mind how Zooey looks here–kind of different for her, but still immediately recognizable (at least to me). My biggest issue is that it looks like all the words should be dropped down a couple inches (you’re right, it is so strange that it looks like a printing error).

  8. Annette

    I got my issue the other day and thumbing through they have different photos of Zoe scattered throughout and EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM would have made a better cover shot. just saying

  9. scone

    Jennifer Lawrence’s open mouth did not bother me – Zooey’s does. She looks extremely uncomfortable.

    Also her hair looks weird and bad on the right side (as you look at her.) Zooey has fabulous hair! How is this possible?

  10. Sarah

    It might not be the best picture, but I’ll take this over Twee Doe Baby Goddess of Quirk any day. More K Stew-y Zooey!

    • One of the Leahs

      Sarah, I couldn’t agree more. She looks lovely and grown-up for a change.

      And I’m in no position ever to criticize anyone’s posture. :)

  11. HelenBackAgain

    The print really does look like an error, and I think it in fact is one. Either the person who laid it out was drunk, or something went very wrong in running them off, and no one noticed ’til too many had been made to just scrap them.

    That’s actually bothering me even more than the photo. Which is awful. She’s been turned into a mannequin!

  12. yeahandalso

    That cover hurts my eyes, they don’t know where to go on the page.

    I caught a bit of Elf last night and I forgot how cute Zooey is without those stupid bangs covering half her face all the time, why has she been so committed to them for like 6 years?

  13.  Heather O.

    She looks so sullen because she’s having flashbacks of that awkward 80′s Olan Mills pose. When it was picture day at school and they would make us sit with our bodies turned, our hands folded just so, and our heads tilted at that unnatural angle which resulted in embarrassing school pictures going out to all of our relatives.

  14. Hilly Kenkel

    Something about her fishnets is really, really bothering me too.

  15. Renee

    Maybe I’m not analyzing this hard enough, but I’m not getting the dislike for this cover. She looks like herself, just more toned down and I don’t see surly – maybe a “I’m about to speak” expression. If it was more Happy!!, then it would look like a Glamour cover.

  16. Daniel Eugenio Gonzalez

    you just gotta face the fact that her old face is gone.

    • HelenBackAgain

      Yes, which can be difficult, but here she’s styled much more New Girl-ish than we’ve seen her in a while lately. That is not what’s wrong.

      It’s everything else.

  17. Lucasta

    For some reason, that little tuft of hair floating over the middle part of her ear but not covering the top part of it is ALL I CAN SEE.

    • HelenBackAgain

      LOL, now I’m staring at it, too. I hate when my own hair does that! It tickles.

  18. val.

    This looks like a bad high school yearbook senior portrait. Look how awkward her hands are. Very unfortunate.

  19. Ms Poopy Von Pants

    This is an awful picture of her. Especially because I just saw her on a TV show (about family trees/ancestry) and was amazed by how beautiful she looked. Her hair and face were stunning. I think that show was quite recent so I think this was just bad, bad styling, and a bad, bad photo.

  20. Sajorina

    And what about the fact that they cut the top of her head so they could show more of her thigh? FAIL!

  21. Electric Landlady

    She looks like the cover is a window and she has to hunch down a little to see out.

  22. stephasaurus

    poor zooey. this cover is pure fug. layout fug. fashion fug. photoshop fug.

    but what’s more upsetting are the inception-like layers of reality that just bent my mind in half. none other than fug madness himself is in an ad campaign for adidas. which is an ad for kohls. justice beaver’s face is attacking my subconsious on the right hand quadrant of my screen while im trying to make sense of that moving blanket that has been ripped off the backseat of a truck and applied to zooey’s unwilling body. its like a nightmare within a nightmare within a nightmare.

  23.  Emma

    I can’t believe no one’s mentioned that she looks like a hooker. From the 90′s.

  24. Rebecca Musser

    I’m happy to see comments about my article “I escaped life with 64 sister wives”! I agree they should have put me on the cover!! ha ha In any case, it was fun to see your comments here and I wish you all the very best. My book is out in 20 days and hope that you have a chance to check it out! -Rebecca Musser