Fugger: Lindsay Lohan

Freaky Fug Friday: Lindsay Lohan Edition


The return of Freaky Fug Friday! And who better to usher in a new season of contests and creativity than the erstwhile star of Freaky Friday herself, Ms Lindsay Lohan (whose get-up at the Scary Movie premiere is heading your way later today):

She wore this ON AN AIRPLANE. And by “this” I mean, “I don’t actually know WHAT this is.” Is it….boots over jeans and then spats over the boots….? Is that sentence even in English? I do not know what is happening here. Please send help.

THE TASK:  Help. Please explain what Lilo is actually wearing here. But do it in a haiku.

THE RULES: All entries must be posted in the comments of this post by 9 p.m. Pacific time on MONDAY.

THE PRIZE:  This week, we’re giving away five (5!) copies of the new memoir Rapture Practice, by Aaron Hartzler. Per Amazon:Aaron Hartzler grew up in a home where he was taught that at any moment Jesus might come down in the twinkling of an eye, and scoop his whole family up to Heaven. As a kid, Aaron was thrilled by the idea that each day might be his last one on planet Earth…But as he turns sixteen, Aaron finds himself more and more attached to his life on Earth, and curious about all the things his family forsakes for the Lord. He begins to realize he doesn’t want the Rapture to happen, just yet; not before he sees his first movie, stars in the school play, or has his first kiss. Before long, Aaron makes the plunge from conflicted do-gooder to full-fledged teen rebel…In this funny and heartfelt coming of age memoir, debut author Aaron Hartzler recalls his teenage journey to find the person he is without losing the family who loves him. It’s a story about losing your faith, finding your place, and learning your very own truth–which is always stranger than fiction.” I’ve read the book, and I can attest to the fact that it’s excellent — funny, engrossing, moving. A great read. Whoever wins it is in for a treat. (PS: Los Angelenos, Aaron is also going to be speaking at the Santa Monica Public Library tomorrow (Saturday) at 3pm. He’s also moderating the panel on which Heather and I are appearing at the LA Times Festival of Books on the 21st. Synchronicity!)

(This contest is open to US residents only.)

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Innocently Played, Lindsay Lohan


You know how in Heathers, there’s the radio call-in show that’s obviously Loveline  — up to and including having The Poorman as host (back when Loveline was just in Los Angeles and hosted by The Poorman, which was approximately 600 years ago) — called “Hot Probs”? Sometimes the phrase, “what is your HOT PROBLEM?” pops into my head. Today was one of those days:

LINDSAY LOHAN WHAT IS YOUR HOT PROB? I know you want to look “innocent” when you’re finding out how much you’re going to jail or whatever, but this is one feather away from an angel costume and it doesn’t make you look innocent, it makes you look MANIPULATIVE and considering that this court case is hinging hugely on an argument that you are a HABITUAL LIAR then MAYBE RETHINK THIS.

Also, have you seen the back?

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Fug and Dick


Okay, let’s be fair: this is not the worst dress any of us have ever seen. It’s not an egg, nor a swan, nor any kind of water fowl, nor any animal life at all. It is not ass-less, her boob hasn’t fallen out (yet), and we can’t see her thong. It could be worse. Her hair isn’t on fire or anything. (Her crotch is a body part for which I can not vouch.) But let’s also be honest: SOMETHING HERE IS NOT RIGHT:

I think it’s her SOUL.

[Photo: Getty]

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Fugly, Fully Loaded


OH LINDSAY.

You KNOW that if the judge presiding over Whatever The Hell Lindsay’s In Trouble For Now sees this picture, she’s going to throw the book at her just to get those pants off the streets.

[Photo: Splash]

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Fug the Fromage: Liz & Dick


First of all, if you are actually interested in Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton — or even if you are just interested in Old Hollywood, rich boozehounds who make impulsive decisions, or epic romances — I strongly suggest you read Furious Love, the book about their relationship that came out a couple of years ago. It’s a great read, it clearly was part of the required reading for whomever wrote this movie, and it’s about 700% better than Liz & Dick, especially since Lifetime seems to be implying that Richard Burton was a vampire:

IF ONLY. That would make this version of their love story way more interesting — and honestly far less confusing than Lifetime’s take, which rarely tells the audience what year it is and gives you literally no backstory on Liz, Dick, Cleopatra, or, in fact, anything factual that happens during the vaguely specified years during which this movie is set. It’s like they decided against exposition as a concept entirely.

Anyway, we start at some point in the early 80s, with this gun that will NEVER GO OFF:

A) I love the idea that you could just address a letter to Elizabeth Taylor like this and it would get to her. Honestly, it probably would have. I’m sure all the postal carriers in Bel Air knew which house belonged to Ms Taylor.

B):

SPOILER! He dies! Actual spoiler: the letter we just saw, which we’ll never see again, actually arrived at Liz’s house when she returned from Burton’s London memorial service. Burton had written that home was where Elizabeth was, and he wanted to come home again (never mind that he was married to someone else at the moment, as that never stopped the two of them before). Can you imagine getting that letter from the love of your life, THE DAY YOU RETURN FROM HIS MEMORIAL SERVICE? Can you imagine writing a movie about said love affair and NOT INCLUDING THE SCENE WHERE ELIZABETH — who kept Burton’s letters by her bed until the day she herself died — READS SAID LETTER?

You can if the actress who would have to play that scene is Lindsay Lohan.

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The Official GFY Liz & Dick Drinking Game


Tonight at 9 p.m. (depending on where you live, so check your listings), Lifetime presents one of the most hilarious and terrible — hilarrible, if you will — TV movies of our time. Future generations will turn to us and say, “Grandma, where were YOU when Lindsay Lohan laid waste to Elizabeth Taylor’s memory?” And you may be able to look at little Kumquat or Xerxes and say, “Honey, I was passed out on the sofa.” Because reviews suggested that Liz & Dick would make a good drinking game, and who are we to ignore a gauntlet like that?

In all seriousness, though: We know Fug Nation needs to drown its collective sorrows about Larry Hagman’s passing, but we can’t recommend that you actually attempt to DO this game, much less do it in its entirety, for fear of major liver distress and/or some serious incapacitation (and obviously, if you do booze it up, be 21 and do not drive and stop before you puke yourself inside-out, etc). We need you alive, Fug Nation, so we strongly advise you switch to Diet Coke at the second commercial break. As you watch, though, feel free to add your own rules in the comments, and don’t forget: We will be live-tweeting the movie — we are @fuggirls — starting at 9 p.m. Eastern time tonight (Sunday), and a proper Fug the Fromage will follow. Basically, it’s going to be a real Liz&Dickapalooza.

Cheers!

BEHOLD THE RULES:

Drink whenever:

  1. Liz and/or Dick drink — but not as much as they do. My god. Get a hold of yourself.
  2. Linds-as-Liz says something meta re: celebrity/the press/the paparazzi.
  3. Poor Grant Bowler is forced to quote Shakespeare, Donne, or anyone else you’d have read in English 101, because RICHARD BURTON IS OF THE STAGE!!!!
  4. Someone wears a sheet or a towel instead of proper clothing.
  5. Lilo’s eye makeup is more compelling than her acting.
  6. You spy a bar cart in the shot (this movie has a LOT of bar carts in it — like, a lot — in part because there is no better way to indicate that your protagonists are alcoholics).
  7. You think, “Wait, what YEAR is this supposed to be?”
  8. You think, “Wait, who is THAT person supposed to be?”
  9. Someone throws something at a wall.
  10. Someone throws something at someone else’s head and hits the wall instead.
  11. Someone collapses and/or awkwardly drops dead.
  12. Jewelry is purchased.
  13. There is discussion of how fat/old Liz&Dick are supposed to be, despite the fact that Lilo&Bowler are wearing neither age makeup nor fat suits.
  14. You think, in spite of yourself, “That outfit is actually REALLY cute.”
  15. You think, “Lindsay should actually wear [X] more often in real life.”
  16. Lindsay seems to briefly attempt an accent, and then abandons it.
  17. You accidentally think, “Huh, that was a good line.”
  18. Any actor appears to have a moment of clarity, wondering what the hell he/she is actually doing working in this trainwreck.
  19. You find yourself using the set to window-shop.
  20. You find yourself mentally recasting the movie with someone more age-appropriate than Lilo.
  21. You find yourself mentally recasting the movie with someone not at all age-appropriate, but more talented than Lilo.
  22. Drink again if at any point you find yourself accidentally drinking at the same time as anyone else on the screen.
  23. Someone — okay, Lindsay — appears in a caftan.
  24. Someone — okay, Bowler — is forced to wear a man-fur.
  25. Lilo wears a head scarf.
  26. Lilo wears a turban.
  27. The turban is fur? CHUG.
  28. Two months from now, go on a bender if Lifetime works its Client List juju and Lohan gets nominated for a Golden Globe (if Lifetime further works its Client List juju and gives Lohan a Liz & Dick series, we might as well all just give up).
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