Fugger: Katie Holmes

Fug Money

I know it’s inching toward winter, and sometimes when it’s chilly, substance wins over style.

But the way all these layers have come together, I’m concerned she’s one flower truck away from getting picked up by a smug Svengali who wants her to discuss the weather on the Spanish plains.

[Photo: INF]


Feh Played: Katie Holmes

Some fancy-pants style awards took place in New York as a precursor to Fashion Week, and it marked Katie Holmes’ first big red carpet appearance since the divorce.

Disappointing, right? She’s younger than I am, but she’s dressed — though tastefully and all — like a society matron. I’d hoped that for her first time out she’d blow us away with something unexpected and funky and maybe even sexy in a way it never seemed like she was allowed to be when she was on Team Cruise. Caveat: She was there to present something to Carolina Herrera, and therefore is probably wearing Carolina Herrera. But she also is wearing something that it looks like Carolina Herrera — who is 73 — handed over out of her own closet.  You don’t HAVE to wear a collared shirt just because Herrera always does, AND the shirt and the skirt don’t even seem to be playing nice together. I want to separate them and put them both in time out to think about their transgressions… then give them a hug and a cookie and send them off to play baseball in the yard. Look, I’m not a total tyrant.

[Photo: Getty]


Well Played Cover: Katie Holmes

It sure is convenient that Katie Holmes looks awesome on the cover of Elle in the month that she turned awesome by going all cloak and dagger on Tom Cruise. (The visible bra doesn’t bother me on the cover of a magazine the way it would if she were wearing this, you know, at the market.)  It’s also certainly convenient for Elle that “…on Tom, Suri, and What She Desperately Wants” is a headline that is just as applicable to her situation now as it was six weeks ago. ALSO also, I’d like to thank Elle for their use of the Oxford comma — about which, Vampire Weekend notwithstanding, I do give a f#$*k.  Finally, I don’t know if that’s HER hair, or just hair that happens to be attached to her head for the shot, but either way: I want it.


Fug Money

You know how every year, people complain that stores begin celebrating Christmas earlier and earlier, to the point where eventually they’re playing “God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman” over the loudspeakers in Target in September?

That’s how I’m beginning to feel about Katie Holmes’s campaign for Fug Madness 2013. Slow your roll, sister — we ‘ve got MONTHS ahead of us for you to go out in belted jammie onesies and open-toed booties and a sweater you stole from your grandpa (though in fairness, I’m totally wearing a grandpa sweater right  now. And actual jammies. But I work from home, leave me alone).

PS: Carry on, Suri. You’re as cute as ever.

[Photo: Splash]


Oscars Smartly Played, Katie Holmes

Much like how Angelina’s sudden and relentless game of Pop Goes The Thigh will always make me laugh (seriously, that was SO over the top that she HAS to have lost, or won, a bet, right?) so too will Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes always seem crazy to me. I know it’s been seven years, but whenever I see them together, I still think, “Really? This REALLY happened?”

However, Katie automatically gets a Well Played for resisting the temptation to design her own Oscar gown, thus forcing us to acknowledge that Holmes & Yang is still a real thing. But lets check out the full view and see if it wins on its own merits:

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Well Played, Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise

KATIE HOLMES: I’ve figured out why you’ve looked so good lately.

TOM CRUISE: My very subtle but beautifully done surgical facial upkeep that you really don’t notice?

KATIE: No, although that’s excellent.

TOM: My wardrobe of impeccably tailored suits?


TOM: The fact that my INSANE CRAZY BEHAVIOR when we got married has started to fade from the minds of the public in the face of WAY CRAZIER behavior from people like Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan?


TOM: Is it that everyone is relieved we’re still married in the face of such sham relationships as Kim Kardashian and that tall, marble-mouthed person she was pretending to be married to for TV?


TOM: Is it that I’ve finally gone back to my Maverick haircut and no longer look like I think I might be Justin Bieber?


TOM: You’re welcome. You actually look lovely tonight too. Is that Dang An’ Homely?


TOM: Bless you.

KATIE:  Yes, it is.


KATIE: Why are you so surprised?

TOM: Because you actually look  — never mind. I’m not surprised. Let’s go find the caterer with the chicken strips! Protein is vital to my upkeep, precious wife.