It sure is convenient that Katie Holmes looks awesome on the cover of Elle in the month that she turned awesome by going all cloak and dagger on Tom Cruise. (The visible bra doesn’t bother me on the cover of a magazine the way it would if she were wearing this, you know, at the market.) It’s also certainly convenient for Elle that “…on Tom, Suri, and What She Desperately Wants” is a headline that is just as applicable to her situation now as it was six weeks ago. ALSO also, I’d like to thank Elle for their use of the Oxford comma — about which, Vampire Weekend notwithstanding, I do give a f#$*k. Finally, I don’t know if that’s HER hair, or just hair that happens to be attached to her head for the shot, but either way: I want it.
Fugger: Katie Holmes
You know how every year, people complain that stores begin celebrating Christmas earlier and earlier, to the point where eventually they’re playing “God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman” over the loudspeakers in Target in September?
That’s how I’m beginning to feel about Katie Holmes’s campaign for Fug Madness 2013. Slow your roll, sister — we ‘ve got MONTHS ahead of us for you to go out in belted jammie onesies and open-toed booties and a sweater you stole from your grandpa (though in fairness, I’m totally wearing a grandpa sweater right now. And actual jammies. But I work from home, leave me alone).
PS: Carry on, Suri. You’re as cute as ever.
KATIE HOLMES: I’ve figured out why you’ve looked so good lately.
TOM CRUISE: My very subtle but beautifully done surgical facial upkeep that you really don’t notice?
KATIE: No, although that’s excellent.
TOM: My wardrobe of impeccably tailored suits?
TOM: The fact that my INSANE CRAZY BEHAVIOR when we got married has started to fade from the minds of the public in the face of WAY CRAZIER behavior from people like Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan?
TOM: Is it that everyone is relieved we’re still married in the face of such sham relationships as Kim Kardashian and that tall, marble-mouthed person she was pretending to be married to for TV?
TOM: Is it that I’ve finally gone back to my Maverick haircut and no longer look like I think I might be Justin Bieber?
TOM: You’re welcome. You actually look lovely tonight too. Is that Dang An’ Homely?
KATIE: HOLMES AND YANG.
TOM: Bless you.
KATIE: Yes, it is.
TOM: YOU ARE KIDDING ME.
KATIE: Why are you so surprised?
TOM: Because you actually look — never mind. I’m not surprised. Let’s go find the caterer with the chicken strips! Protein is vital to my upkeep, precious wife.
Behold the Cruise-Holmeses going out to celebrate Kate’s 33rd birthday:
I sincerely hope that part of what Tom got her was a whole new wardrobe. I also sincerely doubt that it’s a coincidence that Holmes and Yang (her vanity design project, which this, er, effort, has to be) anagrams to Egad Sham Nylon, because EGAD! Is that NYLON? It also, in case you were wondering, anagrams to Dangs an’ Homely, which is how I plan to refer to the line henceforce. That’s MY gift to her. (It’s kind of a mean gift.)
I’m very concerned about what Katie Holmes’ participation in Jack and Jill says about Team Cruise’s opinion of her talents. This seems like an awfully desperate move. Remember when Wino Forever was in that heinous Mr. Deeds right after she got arrested, as if she was hoping The Sandler would make us all forget about that whole shoplifting malarkey? What is the shoplifting equivalent here? Scientology? Marriage? Everything on her resume since Dawson’s Creek and Pieces of April, including and perhaps especially that time she was on So You Think You Can Dance as someone who thought she could dance? I’m not sure, but let’s just say I bet Tom is glad he was busy — or “busy” — and could not make it, thus avoiding having to admit this movie exists. Oh, Katie. Methinks fuchsia boob hammock is not the sartorial Calgon that will make this all go away, but let’s take a closer look.