Fugger: Kanye West

CFDAs Fug Carpet: Kim Kardashian in Proenza Schouler


kim kardashian and kanye west CFDA Awards 2015

“MY GIRL’S DRESSED FOR BATTLE, MY FIERCE BÉBÉ-MÈRE, ‘CAUSE WE HAD THIS NEWS WE WERE EXCITED TO SHARE BUT THEN CAME CAITLYN JENNER OUT OF THIN AIR IN A MEDIA BLAST THAT WAS VANITY UNFAIR AND EVERYONE FORGOT THAT WE DID DECLARE KIM’S WOMB IS IN BUSINESS WITH OUR HEIRESS’S SPARE. LIKE WHY CAN’T SOMEONE PUT US FIRST FOR ONCE!!!!! I CAN’T EVEN TIE MY SHOES, I’M SO UPSET!!

“BUT DON’T YOU FRET. WE’LL SLAKE OUR PRESS THIRST WITH THIS PROENZA PANTY-SHEATH THAT COPIES KIM’S GIVENCHY WORST — SECOND UTERINE VERSE, SAME AS THE FIRST — SO THAT Y’LL WILL GET TO TALKING ‘BOUT WHAT WE REHEARSED. NAMELY, NOT CAITLYN, BUT MY DOPE-ASS SPERM-BURST, UNTIL WE, THE ALMIGHTY KIMYE, CONSIDERS US REIMBURSED. ALSO CAITLYN YOU’D BETTER GIVE GOOD BABY GIFTS. THAT WOULD ALSO SOOTHE ME A LOT ACTUALLY BECAUSE I’M SUPER WOUNDED AND SENSITIVE YOU KNOW.”

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FUGYE WEST: KANYE AT THE TIME 100 GALA


KANYE WEST AT TIME 100 GALA

“UGH. I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR SCHUMER’S SHENANIGANS. I’M ON A MISSION LIKE MISS HANNIGAN TO GET RESPECT FROM MY FANS AGAIN FOR MY INFLUENCE AND FASHION SENSE IN MY TORN-UP SHIRT WITH SPIRITUAL VENTS THAT COST SO MANY POUNDS AND PENCE THAT I JUST TELL KIM IT MEANS TEN CENTS (AND THANK THE LORD MY LADY’S DENSE, OR AT LEAST NOT QUALIFIED TO JOIN MENS…A). SO, YEAH, I’M IN MY EASTER SHIRT, THE ONE THAT LOOKS RIPPED FROM THE DIRT FROM OUTSIDE SOMEONE’S SACRED YURT. MAYBE I’LL START MY OWN DAMN CHURCH WHERE PEOPLE CHANGE CLOTHES IN FITS AND SPURTS AND SLICE THEIR HANES ‘TIL THE COTTON HURTS AND WORSHIP ME AND ERNIE AND BERT BUT NOT THAT BIG BIRD ‘CAUSE HE’S BERSERK AND MAYBE WE NEED TO STOP PUTTING NORTH DOWN IN FRONT OF SESAME STREET BECAUSE I THINK MAYBE THIS IS NOT MY DOPEST MOMENT AND ALSO MY COAT MIGHT BE HIDING A PONCHO.”

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Fug the Krew: The Kardashians Do Easter Mass


Yes, this is a week or so old. But I missed it during our travels, and I felt like we all needed a chance to talk about what the stately and sedate Kardashians wore to Church on such a holy occasion:

Kanye, Kim, North & Family Attend Church On Easter Sunday

Someone basically needs to remind Kendall that the aisle is not the same thing as a runway, and that the whole body-into-bread and water-into-wine thing do not equate to cocktails and light apps.

You’ll be pleased to know Kanye dressed up for the occasion as well:

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Fugdigger: Kim Kardashian Goes Blonde


kim kardashian goes blonde

“NO NO NO DON’T GIVE ME THE BLAME FOR THIS PLATINUM MAKEOVER THAT’S SO DAMN LAME, LIKE FLAT CHAMPAGNE OR ACID RAIN OR HOW MEAN HENRY II WAS TO ELEANOR OF AQUITAINE. I TOLD KIM GOING BLONDE MIGHT BLEACH HER BRAIN NOW I THINK SHE’S CATATONIC FROM THE SCALP PAIN. NOT THAT I WOULD KNOW HOW TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE THOUGH. OKAY FINE I MIGHT HAVE SAID, ‘FIND YOUR BLISS, WHAT THE HECK, #NODISRESPECTTOBENAFFLECK AND I’M SORRY BECK.’ BUT SHE PICKED THAT COLOR LIKE A CARD FROM A DECK AND NOW SHE LOOKS A WRECK AND I’M ALL, ‘BLECH.’”

“AND WHEN IT’S ALL GONE TO SHIT WE GO TO OUR FAVORITE GAMBIT:

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Grammys Fug Carpet: Kim Kardashian in Jean Paul Gaultier


“YO, I’M REALLY HAPPY FOR YOU, ZIPPER, AND IMMA LET YOU FINISH, BUT KIM’S THIGHS HAD ONE OF THE BEST YEARS OF ALL TIME. THEY ARE TRULY SUBLIME, SO FULLY GENUINE, AND LIKE A GLASS OF PORT WINE I ENJOY THEM WHEN SUPINE. THEY BLOW MY MIND SO HARD I CAN’T EVEN RHYME AND… WAIT I’M TOTALLY RHYMING. MAN, MY INSTRUMENT JUST NEVER TURNS OFF. I’M LIKE THOSE PERPETUAL MOTION BIRDS ON PEOPLE’S DESKS, BUT WITH WORD GENIUS.”

[PHOTOS: GETTY]

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Fugs and Fabs: The LACMA Art and Film Gala, Part III


In case you missed them, part one of this event lives here, part two lives here, and this is the final segment, in which we visit with THE CRAZY and the colorful. J Lo! Amy Adams! A Casiraghi! A caftan! Kanye! AT LAST!

[Photos: Fame/Flynet]

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