“UGH. I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR SCHUMER’S SHENANIGANS. I’M ON A MISSION LIKE MISS HANNIGAN TO GET RESPECT FROM MY FANS AGAIN FOR MY INFLUENCE AND FASHION SENSE IN MY TORN-UP SHIRT WITH SPIRITUAL VENTS THAT COST SO MANY POUNDS AND PENCE THAT I JUST TELL KIM IT MEANS TEN CENTS (AND THANK THE LORD MY LADY’S DENSE, OR AT LEAST NOT QUALIFIED TO JOIN MENS…A). SO, YEAH, I’M IN MY EASTER SHIRT, THE ONE THAT LOOKS RIPPED FROM THE DIRT FROM OUTSIDE SOMEONE’S SACRED YURT. MAYBE I’LL START MY OWN DAMN CHURCH WHERE PEOPLE CHANGE CLOTHES IN FITS AND SPURTS AND SLICE THEIR HANES ‘TIL THE COTTON HURTS AND WORSHIP ME AND ERNIE AND BERT BUT NOT THAT BIG BIRD ‘CAUSE HE’S BERSERK AND MAYBE WE NEED TO STOP PUTTING NORTH DOWN IN FRONT OF SESAME STREET BECAUSE I THINK MAYBE THIS IS NOT MY DOPEST MOMENT AND ALSO MY COAT MIGHT BE HIDING A PONCHO.”
Fugger: Kanye West
“YO, I’M REALLY HAPPY FOR YOU, ZIPPER, AND IMMA LET YOU FINISH, BUT KIM’S THIGHS HAD ONE OF THE BEST YEARS OF ALL TIME. THEY ARE TRULY SUBLIME, SO FULLY GENUINE, AND LIKE A GLASS OF PORT WINE I ENJOY THEM WHEN SUPINE. THEY BLOW MY MIND SO HARD I CAN’T EVEN RHYME AND… WAIT I’M TOTALLY RHYMING. MAN, MY INSTRUMENT JUST NEVER TURNS OFF. I’M LIKE THOSE PERPETUAL MOTION BIRDS ON PEOPLE’S DESKS, BUT WITH WORD GENIUS.”
In case you missed them, part one of this event lives here, part two lives here, and this is the final segment, in which we visit with THE CRAZY and the colorful. J Lo! Amy Adams! A Casiraghi! A caftan! Kanye! AT LAST!
I can’t even go into GFY Kanye mode for this one. If you ever wanted to believe the rumors about Riccardo Tisci and Kanye West, and/or any jealousies he might be feeling about this little family unit, then today is your lucky day. Because one could easily interpret this as an act of someone OUT FOR REVENGE.
Regardless: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO RAPACIOUS DIPSHITS. THAT IS YOUR CHILD. (Whose face, by the way, was blurred by the photo service.) You want to wear ratty old boots with elaborate karate duds, Kanye? Fine. You want to wear see-through pants with a negligee leotard, and look like a lacy joke, Kim? It’s your life. Be hideous if you want to, be desperate if you want to, be tasteless if you want to; be transparent in every sense of that word, if that’s what really makes you feel purposeful and alive. That’s your business. But YOU HAVE PUT YOUR TODDLER IN A SHEER DRESS-SHIRT-TUNIC NIGHTMARE. SHE IS NOT EVEN TWO.
You shouldn’t be putting that poor girl in clothes with a whiff of Trashy Lingerie about them. There is NO REASON for her to be wearing a custom dress that’s made in the image of something ostensibly sexy. A little kid in a sundress from Gymboree is one thing, but this sucker is designed to show skin ,with a modesty strip and transparency above AND BELOW it. IT’S INCREDIBLY CREEPY, YOU GUYS. She is not your accessory. She is your child. And if you’ve made the decision to put her in the public eye, again, whatever, it’s your family; that’s your call. Just please think about how you do it. Please USE the brains you’ve so assiduously applied to the pursuit and attainment of fame and wealth, and think about her well-being and future and not just your own. I mean, sure, we’ve all come to expect you to be a little icky and disappointing, but why must you find a way to top yourselves? Not every sundae needs a cherry on top. Don’t be jackwagons.