Fugger: Justin Bieber

Fugtrospective: The Year In Bieber

Basically, we couldn’t resist any excuse to run this photo. But asid from the fact that the fixation with his hair makes him the male version of The Rachel these days, it’s actually sort of fascinating to flip through A Year In The Life, because I SWEAR by the end he looks older. Which he’s supposed to, but still. It’s the magic of slideshows.


Justin Fugber

Oh, Bieb. I know it’s a beach wedding, and the rules are often different — if there are any rules — when you have to traverse sand.

But when your girlfriend is in a ball gown (I think she was a bridesmaid?), you should maybe try a little harder not to look like you just wandered into the party to try and get an autograph. It seriously looks like Selena made you mug the maitre d’, dearest Bieb, so you’d at least have something non-skanky on over your Hanes. And what the heck is going on with your pants? Are they belted around your upper thighs? Are you smuggling a few Coronas into the ceremony? Did the doctors tell you not to wear anything tight or remotely constrictive in advance of your paternity tes…ACK. NEVER MIND. U-TURN. HIT THE GAS. GET US OUT OF THAT MENTAL PLACE.

Sigh. These kids today, I’m telling you. Anyone want to sit on my porch swing with me and shake our fists? The first bag of Werther’s is on me, if you bring the denture paste.

[Photo: Splash News]


AMAs Fug and Fab Carpet: Selena and the Biebs

I really kind of feel for Selena Gomez. It is hard enough to be involved with a 17 year old boy — from what I recall of 17 year old boys, my first-hand knowledge of which of course dates from a time when we all lived in caves and had to wash our loincloths with rocks and had not yet fashioned the wheel — without having your boyfriend be the target of a paternity crisis covered by TMZ. (No offense to the three 17 year old boys who read this website — when I was 17, back when dinosaurs roamed the earth and TV consisted of primitive cave drawings, I thought you were quite dreamy and spent a lot of time riding my pterodactyl past your caves to see if you were home.) But my advice to Famous Ladies With Boy Trouble never wavers. It is the same as my advice to non-famous ladies with boy trouble: it’s in your best interest to look extra hot at all times, just in case you find yourself in a situation where you might end up thinking, “I can’t believe [XYZ] just happened, and I hadn’t even washed my hair.”  It’s sort of a corollary to my personal motto, “Put On Some Lipstick, You’ll Feel Better.” So what I’m saying is, I don’t know what kind of shizz is going down between these two, but I approve of her popping up at this event looking fantastic whilst he looks like Eddie Munster. It just pleases me.

[Photos: Getty]


VMAs Fug Carpet: Justin Bieber

It occurs to me now who Justin Bieber is: He’s Amanda Bynes in She’s The Man. With equally improbable success with the ladies.


Teen Choice Awards Fug Carpet: Justin Bieber

Oh, sweet pasta sandwich, Mary Stuart Bieberson is at it again.

Seriously, he’s like Anthony Michael Hall + Some Kind of Wonderful, multiplied by the end of Big, I think, and then stuffed in a blender with Carey Mulligan and k.d. lang, and served over ice with Zima.

And one more thing


ESPYs Fug: Selustin Biebmez

I had no IDEA Selena Gomez and Mary Stuart Masterson were such good friends. That is some kind of wonderful.

But hey, Mary, can I have a moment?

Thanks. So, listen, I just wanted to give you a piece of helpful advice, for when you are returned to your rightful place in 1987.

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