Fugger: Gwyneth Paltrow

New York Fugshion Week: Day Seven Celebs


We finally got some A-listers! AT LAST.

 

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Well Played, Gwyneth Paltrow


This is Prada:

And I suspect it’s also an apology for this. Miuccia may be apologizing for that one for the rest of her life. That said, though, as apologies go, this is a good one. I can’t WAIT to read the GOOP missive where Gwyneth explains how to shame your enemies into making you a fabulously slinky gown. That’s news we can all use.

[Photo: WENN]

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Fugneth Paltrow


I’m going to read some body language and infer that Gwyneth was not super happy about this ensemble.

Her minimalist makeup doesn’t seem to match the clothes nor the nighttime-nature of the event. The dress is pulling and bunching at her waist. And not for nothing, a) I think her eyebrows are bleached too much, and b) her hair looks TERRIBLE. Gwyneth Paltrow’s hair NEVER looks stiff and dry and stringy and uncombed. I seriously thought that was against the law in this country, so consistent is she about having a well-groomed mane. What is happening? Did she accidentally eat processed sugars, or inadvertently use sea salt from the plain ol’ U.S. of A, or another such GOOPy tragedy? Whither her kilter, and why is she off of it?

Let’s back out and look at the whole thing:

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British Fashion Awards Fug or Fab: Gwyneth Paltrow


Well, I’m very grateful to her for not wearing those shoes that consist solely of one strap across the toes, because it feels like everyone in the industry has worn those lately. Never have two straps seemed like a fresher approach.

And because she’s Gwyneth, she’s basically making this work as well as anyone can, because she walks on a rare cloud. But that doesn’t change that it reminds me of a bathing suit tucked into someone’s uniform kilt.

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[Photo: Getty]

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Well Played, Gwyneth Paltrow


Damn it, Paltrow:

This dress is adorable and the fact that your hair looks ever-so-slightly crazed makes you seem more approachable than usual. (Don’t worry, I know you are NOT.)  Why must you always remind me that somewhere, way down deep inside me, behind the place where I keep the Cheetos and next to that part of me which will always sing the theme song to One Tree Hill with too much gusto in the shower, I like you just the way you are? And I think you are very pretty. CURSES. Now, hurry up and write a GOOP full of advice like, “When I’m staying at a hotel in London for some reason I can’t quite think of — oh! Say my giant house is being fumigated because the silverfish are eating the piles of money under the bed — then I like to stay at this wee gem of a hotel called Claridge’s!” so I can get my humors in balance again.

[Photo: Pacific Coast News]

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Fug or Fab: Gwyneth Paltrow


Well, right off the bat, this is so much better and less desperate-seeming than some her Iron Man iron-buttocks couture. I like it when Gwyneth can relax into being Gwyneth (see also: looking so freaking chill in that Tom Ford cape at the Oscars).

This dress is crisp and fine, and a very grown-up length that she’s still basically pulling off without flirting with (Won’t You Take Me To) Stumpytown. It’s a lovely end-of-summer feeling, and you can imagine her going home and sitting in a deckchair on a bluff at sunset, a perfectly chilled pinot grigio in her hand while she eats grapes and cheese and then puts on one of Chris Martin’s cardigans.

However, I’m not thrilled about how she accessorized it. Specifically, that she didn’t. It’s NAB, for sure, but also possibly NAN (“necklace”) or NAB II (“belt”) or NASEBINSW (“something else but I’m not sure what”). Relaxing into being Gwyneth is one thing, and it’s a lovely thing; forgetting you are freaking GWYNETH is another. You know she HAS a bunch of badass bangles in that jewelry box. Get ‘em out, GOOP, and then write a newsletter piece on how to use them and where to find a great deal on bespoke reclaimed metal pieces that are a low low $700 each.

Speaking of relaxing:

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