Fugger: Gwyneth Paltrow

Fug or Fine: Gwyneth Paltrow


Gwynnie was on the Hill this week to speak out against H.R. 1599, which deals with states’ rights to label GMOs and whether the FDA should create a national GMO labeling standard. If there’s anything Our Lady of Artisanal Grass-Fed Gourmet Spice Blends is well-matched with, it’s this; say what you will about her, but the woman has built a decade-long reputation for caring a lot about what she puts in her body.

But how about what she puts ON her body?

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I am assuredly never going to be invited to speak about ANYTHING in D.C., much less at a podium in front of an American flag. But if I were, I wouldn’t have picked a genetically modified shirt-poncho — a GMO all its own, conceived on The Island of Dr. J.Crew.

The entire ensemble falls in that Artfully Schlubby category:

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Fug or Fine: Gwyneth Paltrow


This is the best Gwynnie’s head has looked in a LONG time. I actually wish she were wearing the smock Lena Dunham picked.

gwyneth paltrow paddle for pink

Instead, G-Bone here is in a tight, stretchy shirt-dress with a slit –and the illusion that she hasn’t matched up the buttons correctly – all of which recalls that heady time when Kelly Taylor got a bad haircut and was sucked into her professor’s cult. The only good thing about that was when the wise charlatan demanded that she dump Brandon’s smug behind — which, of course later let to Kelly famously deploying the I Choose Me bomb on both Brandon and Dylan. (She only chose herself for about three weeks before choosing Colin and then eventually cocaine, but whatever, it was still great.) If Jason Priestley shows up and she rejects his marriage proposal, then I might sign onto this. Otherwise I fully expect it to lay in a heap in her closet until her next big personal sale on GOOP, where she will ask someone to pay $900 for her folly. RESIST.

But, full marks for her head. For ME it doesn’t outweigh the rest, though perhaps it will for you.

[Photo: Getty]

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Fug and Yay and GOOP and SWINTON: Celebs at Valentino


Gwyneth rarely pops by one of these things anymore. But in a week where we’ve learned Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin allegedly are moving in together – and mere blocks from G’s apartment, also rumored to be at Mama Goop’s control-freaky behest — it doesn’t surprise me that she suddenly turned up in public on a luxe red carpet to be like, “Yes, remember me? Your Lady of Ageless Health? STILL GOT IT.” But if you’re going to haul ass across the ocean for a big fashion show, and your ex is moving in with a 24-year old who is also America’s Sweetheart, YOU BRING THE BIG GUNS. And Gwynnie only packed a tiny novelty water pistol that goes on her keychain.

[Photos: Getty]

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Fug the Rut: Gwyneth Paltrow


It’s not even necessarily that there’s anything wrong with this; it just feels very much like a downloadable GOOP template.

gwyneth paltrow I'll see you in my dreams

Take blond hair; leave it straight and do little else to it. Add simple white dress that’s preppy enough to play tennis in – and poorly fitted in a way that catches you by surprise even though it happens more often than you think – and finish with semi-strappy black shoes. Lather, rinse, repeat. It’s starting to feel like she’s on autopilot. And yeah, that’s fine, if that’s what she wants, but when you are a brand, it’s never a great sign if you start to seem BORED of said brand. It is possible to freshen up the act without radically rewriting it, and maybe that’s what I’m hoping for here a little. If you could get your tenterhooks into Gwynnie right now, would you tell her to stick to the plan, or would you revolutionize the GOOP? Me, I’d start with a bob and a lot more color, unless she ACTUALLY wants to play tennis, in which case I will grab my racket and go full McEnroe.

[Photo: Getty]

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Fug or Fab: Gwyneth Paltrow


I feel like she’s really into this silhouette right now, for some inexplicable reason:

 

The Inaugural Hong Kong amfAR Charity Party

I hope she covers this burning question in this week’s upcoming GOOP. Perhaps an appealing slice of side-torso has secret health benefits, like, it actually airs your spleen in a literal rather than metaphorical way. I don’t know. But I DO know that her dress has what appears to be giant boils on it, and I’m not entirely sure that I can endorse something that forced me to look up the correct spelling of “buboes.”

[Photo: Fame/Flynet]

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Fug or Fab: Gwyneth Paltrow


The headline for this event told me that “Jerry Seinfeld Hosts First Ever….” something something Baby Buggy something. (Baby Buggy is the charity he and his wife Jessica run, and it’s by all accounts a very nice one.) But I misread said headline as, “Jerry Seinfeld HOLDS HOSTAGES.” Do not ask me why, although I think we all know that Jerry could snap at any moment. THAT SAID:

Jerry Seinfeld Hosts Inaugural Los Angeles Fatherhood Lunch To Benefit Baby Buggy

Something about Gwynnie DOES look like she just escaped a hostage situation. She feels vaguely rumpled, and like she accidentally left some cute little jacket behind when she finally made her brave escape by whacking Jerry on the back of the head with a chocolate babka and making a run for it.

[Photo: Getty]

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