Fug File: Fug The Cover

Fug or Fab The Cover: Amy Schumer on Marie Claire, August 2016


Okay. Let’s talk about this:

Amy Schumer Marie Claire August 2016

I cannot begin without noting that, you know, she’s wearing a leotard with a sheer panel in front, which…okay, listen, I don’t get why ANYONE is wearing a bodysuit on the cover of a magazine, unless they are professional gymnasts or wrestlers or ballet dancers or the CEOs of Danskin. At this point, writhing in a leotard on the cover of a magazine seems like…it’s been done. And certainly Amy Schumer’s brand does not seem like Pantsless Leotard, unless it’s for a bit. Props, however, to Marie Claire for using the word “revealing” right by her (tasteful) cleavage, and….brace yourself, but that snippy rant about pantlessless aside, I actually REALLY like this photo of her. It’s got so much personality. I thought her recent Vogue cover felt a bit stagnant — although, also, props to the Schum for landing Vogue AND Marie Claire in two months — but this one is sassy and vivacious. And, not for nothing, but I love that eye makeup on her. So, whilst I might have been muttering, “CAN’T WE TRY SOME PANTS?” were I in charge of picking the cover photo for Marie Claire this month, I’m not sure that I would have been able to resist the humor and movement in this one, either.

Marie Claire has excerpts of the interview up here, and mostly they make me want to take Amy out for a beer and yammer at her that she is awesome and funny and smart and very worthy of love. For example:

On being in love: “Being in love is the scariest thing in the world. You want to f-ing cry and scream. I can’t handle it. Every time we say good-bye, I think, This will have been a nice last week together. Or I tell myself nothing is real and he’s going to leave me and tell me he never loved me. I feel so bad for him. How exhausting it must be dating me.”

On dating Ben Hanisch: “I feel like Ben is the first guy who’s really been my boyfriend. There are guys who, if they heard me say that, would want to punch me in the face, but yeah, it’s the truth.”

On her first sexual experience: “My first sexual experience was not a good one. I didn’t think about it until I started reading my journal again. When it happened, I wrote about it almost like a throwaway. It was like, And then I looked down and realized he was inside of me. He was saying, ‘I’m so sorry’ and ‘I can’t believe I did this.’”

First of all, that virginity loss story makes me sad. Many people have less-than-ideal stories around their first sexual experiences, but that one seems like it’s toeing the line of consent (and certainly misses the mark of enthusiastic consent), and — to be exquisitely articulate about it — that’s rotten. Second: I hope this new dude is good people. I certainly relate to the feeling of WELL THIS IS GOING WELL SO SURELY IT’S ABOUT TO EXPLODE IN MY FACE but, Amy, you deserve a guy who is delighted to call himself your boyfriend and will only punch the air with joy, a la Eriq La Salle in the opening credits of ER, to get that promotion, and I hope this one is IT. Regardless, let’s order another round and discuss it.

[Cover: Marie Claire, by

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Fug or Fab the Cover: Margot Robbie on Vanity Fair


Before we dig into the charcuterie of mung that is the actual profile of Margot Robbie, let’s check out the cover itself:

Margot Robbie on Vanity Fair's July 2016 issue

It’s better than the Vogue cover, on which she was (I assume inadvertently) painted like a Goldfinger victim, but it’s also a weird combination of looking like Naomi Watts and an SI: Swimsuit Issue photograph. I also don’t know that I would have gone with the subhead about her on the cover, because the story has little to do with that. It’s The Summer of Margot Robbie. Just stick with that and don’t try to parse the point of a profile that is pointless and unparseable. Don’t believe me? JUST YOU WAIT.

Actually, don’t. Let’s get into it now. In fact, let’s start with the very first line. And I must warn you that this profile made me SUPER CRANKY, so if you don’t want that, close this tab. If you’re down with the crabby, then proceed.

it begins poorly

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Well Played: Simone Biles and Gabby Douglas on Teen Vogue


I love these covers. If I were a teen, I would run out and buy them; if I were the mother of a teen, I’d be delighted to see them arrive in the mail:

These covers are, simply put, utterly great. Both Simone and Gabby look like the strong, confident, supremely talented young women that they are. There is no weird fashion-mag artifice here; no decision was made to put them in some kind of directional, glossy milieu. Obviously, they’re both very pretty, and these are compelling photographs, but part of what is wonderful about these covers is that they’re primarily focused on how good Simone and Gabby are at what they do. I particularly love that Teen Vogue chose to run a photo of Simone where she’s lightly covered in chalk dust — it’s got a beautiful effect on the image, like an Instagram filter, except it’s actually a tool that she uses to dominate at work every day:

This quote, from Gabby’s interview, is likewise great:

Gabby’s mother (who doubles as her manager), Natalie Hawkins, reflects: “I remember when everyone was talking about her arms, and she became very self-conscious about how muscular they were. Then Gabrielle saw the elegance with which Serena Williams handled all the negative criticism of her own body. It was liberating for my daughter to see that. She said, ‘I don’t have to apologize to anyone about my body. My body is beautiful.’”

Hell, yes, it is. YOU ARE BOTH PERFECT AND DON’T EVER FORGET IT.

(You can read interviews with both women in whole at Teen Vogue.)

[Photos: Jason Kibbler, Teen Vogue]

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Fug or Fab the Cover: Zendaya on Cosmopolitan, July 2016


First, let’s consider this on its own merits.

cosmopolitan-cover-zendaya-july-2016

Overall thoughts: Do NOT SNOOP ON HIS PHONE. Nothing good comes of that. Also, I find it obnoxious that the tongue-out winking emoji is sitting right on her butt. Why is it there at all? Isn’t that a playful and semi-sarcastic emoji? Is Cosmo not SINCERE about people not settling? If you’re going to muck up your cover with cartoon faces, at least make sure they aren’t undercutting your meaning — or licking your cover subject’s rump. Come on. [Note: Someone in the comments said she saw a different one on the newsstand, and this is the only photo of it I can find online. The love cover line instead says, "YOU DESERVE BETTER SEX," and then, "You'll Never Fake It Again." But the only one being circulated by Cosmo is this one. INTERESTING.]

As for the lady herself: Zendaya is, as we’ve all trumpeted on the site and in the comments, crazy charismatic. It’s to her credit that this even remotely works. I do think she seems like way more fun than this outfit, though, which is basically a suit mixed with a cheerleading uniform. If the idea is that she’s wearing a blazer because she’s talking about commanding respect… that’s a bit boring. She’s more powerful than that.  Indeed, this pose as a whole is not as fierce as I would want it to be for a story that says, “Protect yourself and command respect,” which I guess is the side effect of shooting the cover so far ahead of when they do the actual interview. You don’t know what you’re going to get. But with a person like Zendaya, surely you could assume. I want her unique flavor of confidence, not some refried template.

And if you think I’m kidding about the refried template, take a look at the cover side-by-side with one they already did three years ago with Nina Dobrev.

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Fug the Covers: Various InStyle Editions


InStyle‘s U.S. editions seem to be trying to skew a little more Vogue with their covers, and a little less That Stodgy Old Magazine That Piles Up At The Hairdresser And Never Gets Thrown Out. I’m not sure if I think it’s working, but I DO think the makeover — however slight — was overdue.

[Photos: InStyle U.S. and U.K.]

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Your Afternoon Man: Dwyane Wade on ESPN the Magazine’s Body Issue


This more or less speaks for itself.

He may be out of his comfort zone, but he’s pretty squarely in mine. In other words: HELLO.

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Fug or Fab the Cover: Amy Schumer on Vogue, July 2016


I’m really torn about this cover, although there is one thing I LOVE here: The “Let Curls Be Curls” cover line. AMEN, Anna.

amy-schumer-vogue-july-2016-cover

As for the rest, I need to work through it.

Pro: Her hourglass is well-represented. They didn’t Photoshop her into oblivion.

Con: The eye makeup makes her look like she hasn’t slept in three days.

Pro: The lipstick is aces.

Con: The hair is bedhead.

Pro: Bedhead is okay sometimes.

Con: I’m not sure this, in combination with the eyes, looks like Groovy Bedhead as much as “I just closed my eyes for a sec on this grassy knoll — is it still Sunday?”

Pro: I do like that Amy has stormed this particular fortress.

Con: I also feel like they storyboarded this cover idea with a silhouette bearing the label “INSERT WHATEVER CELEBRITY HERE, IT DOESN’T MATTER,” and then shoehorned Amy into it.

Pro: The… grass is nice and green?

Con: She says she doesn’t want to play the game, but redefine it; doesn’t this cover feel like it’s redefining nothing?

Pro: Maybe that’s part of her statement. Maybe the reason she looks like she just woke up in a field after the Prom is because she’s trying to tweak the Vogue-on-a-meadow conventions.

Con: That interpretation might be a reach, though.

Pro: Stilettos are back!

Con: Were stilettos really ever gone?

Pro: That Versailles show looks really dishy.

Con: “Unique Chic: The New Season’s Standout Style” is more Vague than Vogue.

click for the poll and an excerpt

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