Fug File: Fug The Cover

Your Late Night/Morning Man: David Beckham, People’s Sexiest Man Alive 2015

Please meet 2015′s Sexiest Man Alive, per People magazine, a perennially favorite Afternoon Man, one Mr David Beckham:


I think this is a totally legit call. For one thing, as regular readers know, I think Becks is hot like fire and I truly do love him. I find him for real sexy. His nickname, for pete’s sake, is Golden Balls. But for another, as I am sure Lainey will discuss at length today, Sexiest Man Alive is something that is, naturally, designed to play to the People demographic — of which I am a committed part, trust me. I love me some People magazine. I used to talk myself into going to the orthodontist only because I knew I would be able to catch up there – so it’s never going to go to someone slightly off-kilter, or Internet Sexy, like, I dunno, Tom Hiddleston (DON’T GET MAD AT ME YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN I LIKE HIM TOO CALM DOWN #NODISRESPECTTOHIDDLES). Twitter reaction last night seemed to be mostly positive –  for who can really deny the power of Becks? THE MAN NAVIGATED A SPEEDBOAT CARRYING THE OLYMPIC FLAME! He is so cute with his kids! HE’S DELICIOUSLY MUSCULAR! He’s their first athlete ever! — with the only real complaint that I saw being that this seemed like a rather dated choice. Which I can understand, but also to which I personally kinda shrug. It’s People. They’re not on the cutting edge of sexy dudes. They’re not supposed to be; it’s not their brand. If you picked up People and they were telling you that you needed to get all worked up over, like, the muscular Swedish drummer, pierced nipple enthusiast/pansexual performance artist Sven Pantsworth-Spelevink,* you’d think they’d lost their collective minds. Me, I think Becks is absolutely sexy, he definitely seems to be a man, and, last I checked, he IS alive  — AND PLEASE REMAIN SO FOR A LONG TIME, SIR — and ergo, this choice sits totally correctly on my heart. And also in my pants.

I would like to know what he’s doing with his tee-shirt, though. David, you’re going to stretch out the neck like that.

*Not a real person. As far as I know.

[Photo: People]


Well Played Cover, Jennifer Lawrence on Vogue, December 2015

I can’t believe I didn’t call Jennifer Lawrence for this year’s pool. Better luck next year! That said, I think this cover is really good. I also think several of you are going to disagree with me on that point.

[Photos: Vogue]


Fug the Cover: Daisy Ridley on Elle, December 2015

I guess the benefit of a cover subject not being a household face– in fact, when I winced and showed Jess the picture, she frowned and said, “Who IS that?” — is that very few people can carp about whether she looks like herself, because has anyone REALLY pegged Daisy Ridley’s face yet? From my limited exposure to her in the previews and the odd promotional appearance, though, I am pretty sure this doesn’t show her to her best advantage. Mostly because I don’t know that this would show anyone to her best advantage. If I had to peg it, I’d say this looks like a promo shot from a Mystic Pizza remake starring an actress who’s a combination of Malin Akerman, Hailee Steinfeld, and Annabeth Gish.

[Photos: Elle]


Well Played Cover: Rachel Weisz on Harper’s Bazaar UK, November 2015

I am deeply into Rachel Weisz at the moment. I ALWAYS have found her incredibly beautiful, but I am feeling particularly fond of her given this week’s adorable canoodle-athon with Bond. Even all of that aside, I think this cover is great:


It manages to be so icy grey and yet so warm at the same time (thanks, I think, to how soft her dress and hair are). It’s beautiful, and appealing. (It goes without saying that I’d also like to know The Secrets of a Swan Neck. I always thought that secret was, “have good genes.” I also want her hair.)

I am less enamored of their subscriber’s cover, although I actually really like her facial expression:


I usually like how sparse subscriber covers are, but this just feels unfinished (and a little random. Is she straightening her flower pin like a bow tie? That’s not how things work). For once, though, this makes sense: The newsstand makes me want to buy it. If I were a subscriber, I’d already be in too deep anyway.

[Photos: Harper's Bazaar UK]


Fug and Fab the Covers: Elle’s Women in Hollywood Issue, November 2015

Some of these are nice. Some of these should have been. And a LOT of them feel very run-of-the-mill, as if they planned the creative for the shoot(s) only two hours ahead of time. Let’s discuss.

[Photos: Elle]


Fug or Fab the Covers: Taylor Swift, Recently

She is vaguely unrecognizable in these, am I right? Not in a way where I think she’s been overly Photoshopped. More in a way where she’s just been styled and photographed in a way that’s different enough from her usual that it warrants a second look.

[Photos: Australian Vogue, GQ]


Fug the Cover: The Kardashians and Jenners on Cosmopolitan, November 2015

Oh, Cosmo. I wonder if you’re just trolling us now.

Cosmopolitan - November 2015 - Newsstand

America has a First Family. It lives in the White House. Calling these ladies “America’s First Family” and handing them a cover that’s air-mailed direct from one of Kris Jenner’s wildest dreams feels like trying to break the Internet again. Also, there is no way to show us the Kardashians “like you’ve never seen them before” unless the theme is “in medical school” or “working in a toll booth.” Kylie continues to look like a dead-eyed, tousled Kim 2.0, and half of Kris Jenner’s face look like it came from a completely different picture.

Using the words “epic ass” on the cover in the same orbit as one of the most infamous rumps on the planet was an interesting piece of whimsy, though. Or was it an accident? I just noticed the word “sex” is not on this cover anywhere, so maybe “epic ass” was an attempt to keep things genital-adjacent.

Beyond those things, though, I have larger notes.

1. Consider the quote being sent around for publicity, from Ryan Seacrest: “What’s more, they present acceptance. You look at Bruce and now Caitlyn — you see the power of a family to come together when it would be so easy to fall apart.” I would indeed love to look at Caitlyn. Where is she?​

2. I’m not saying everything this family does has to involve both parents. I certainly can’t presume to know the nitty-gritty of that relationship, what it ever truly was, or how it might have changed. But it’s fact now that a Women of the Jenndashian Family cover isn’t complete without one particular woman. Think of the statement it could have made, having Caitlyn on here. Not even at the center — obviously Kris would give up that spot over her own mummified body — but just there, present, part of the crew Cosmo is presenting as the ultimate in powerful and bonded women. It would illustrate the statement Ryan Seacrest made in words. A picture would’ve been worth a thousand of them.

3. The absence of Caitlyn on this cover is therefore striking and, to me, pointed. Yes, I realize the story itself probably touches on her, but that’s buried inside. That’s not the image being peddled. Everything these people do is studied and calculated and coordinated, and Caitlyn’s transition magnified the microscope on these people in a way I doubt even they realized was possible. They know people are watching. Most of them used the same combination of words in their tweets and quotes about Caitlyn’s Vanity Fair cover, as if there was a family social media strategy meeting about it (which there probably was). And I guarantee it has not been forgotten that Caitlyn went public with that the same day Kim announced her pregnancy, overshadowing it completely. In underlining this exact image as being representative of their family unit, they know exactly, exactly, what they’re doing, and the question is why and what it means. As I mentioned in point 3, Kris certainly doesn’t have to do everything with her ex, and the kids don’t have to do everything with Caitlyn, who both is and isn’t their father (and what that was like for them, only they truly know). But again, this isn’t just some random family photo. This is one of the most managed families in the world proclaiming THIS group, right here, as the one true Kardashian/Jenner Family Unit. It’s just… I keep coming back to “intriguing” and “pointed,” because it’s both.

4. Yes, Cosmo is a lady mag, but consider what any of this means to Rob, too. Do they even remember he exists? Because it certainly comes across as if they hope no one else does.

[Photos: Cosmopolitan]