Fug File: Fug The Cover

Fug or Fab the Cover: Chris Hemsworth is People’s Sexiest Man Alive


All right, everyone, let’s do this.

People Magazine Sexiest Man Alive 2014: Chris Hemsworth

Firstly, this picture makes me laugh. It’s not that Chris Hemsworth can’t work this hair, but in this “soulful” pose it evokes nothing to me as much as Beverly Hills, 90210: The College Years, when Donna kept chipping away at her hair and Kelly was in the cult and then burned in a fire with Crispy Lesbian who fell in love with her, and they both had fuller hair on top and wispy semi-mullets in the back (and there’s also a whiff of Tracy, Brandon’s worst latter-day girlfriend, or Kathleen Robertson’s terrible hair when she first joined as Clare, although that link is less terrible). Like this, or kind of this, or maybe this GIF. Think The Rachel, but inexpensively done. Seriously, I see this and I feel like Ray Pruit is going to hop on over and smash some pumpkins and then write a throaty song about it, and everyone will be in baby-doll dresses.

Beyond the fact that I don’t even think this is the best picture of Chris Hemsworth, he feels like a completely random choice, even though I know 90 percent of the breathing world thinks he’s a dreamboat. (Me, I’m a Liam girl; much like with Ryan Gosling, which I know is also sacrilege, for me Chris Hemsworth needs to be moving and talking for about twenty minutes before I get on board the train. I didn’t get it AT ALL until I saw The Avengers, because I missed Thor, much like how I didn’t get Ryan Gosling until Crazy Stupid Love. I know you will think I am crazy, but look at it this way: It means I’m not in the line that’s forming, so more room for everyone else. And I don’t feel bad saying it because I get the impression neither The Hems nor The Gos cares WHAT I think of them as specimens as long as I think they’re good at their jobs, and I do. So.)

Ahem. Anyway, Chris Pratt seems to have been the populist pick, but GQ made him Man of the Year about three days before this cover came out, and my guess is that there is NO WAY that People — justifiably the Grande Dame of the magazine rack — is going to look like it’s chasing another publication. I’m conspiracy-theorying that they wanted to do Chris Pratt but found out enough in advance that GQ would beat them to market, and they switched it out. And that they didn’t go with Idris Elba because they didn’t think he was enough of a household name, and they didn’t go with Neil Patrick Harris because they didn’t think “host of the Oscars” was enough of a future project to hang it off of (and that they just did a Leanly Muscular Guy Who Sings last year with Adam Levine). So they went with The Hems — a nice, hunky, ice-eyed piece of man — and then covered their asses with Idris and Chris, so that they broke off a little bit of those fan bases without looking like a copycat.

But, sound off: Who do you think should’ve been on the cover? (I was afraid they’d pick Married Intern George.) And when it comes to the Hemsworths, are you pro-Chris, pro-Liam, or pro-Bonus Brother who’s oft-forgotten? Honestly, I’ve decided they all draw their power from each other. If we only had one Hemsworth, for instance, would that Hemsworth burn as brightly? See: We’re all philosophy up in here.

[Photo: People]

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Fab and Fug the Cover: Kim Kardashian on Paper Magazine


“What’s that silly lady doing?” asked one of the beans.

Kim Kardashian: Paper Magazine, November 2014

 

What does one say to that? Oh, just drizzling Champagne into her ass glass? Or, Using her personal tray table? Pouring a tall glass of mommy juice?

I settled on, “Nothing important.”

Having said that — and I stand by it — this is actually a perfectly kicky and arresting visual for someone who surely would love it if we all believed her life involved raining Moet & Chandon all over sparkly couture. It’s chipper and it’s gleeful and it’s flaunting everything about her that she might want to flaunt — including her absurd level of fame and the Internet that helped hand it to her.But this is also one of the most photographed women in the world. We know what her body looks like. It is going to take some extreme proof to make me believe she hasn’t been given the Barbie treatment by an airbrusher, which I fear will make our younglings want to have throw-pillows surgically implanted in their nethers (which is about as real as her rear-end looks in this finished product). Kim Kardashian is not someone who can afford to be perceived as any more cartoonish than she already is, and yet here we are. So the thing is, I like the whimsy, and it’s by far the nicest of her three photos. But there’s also an “I’m famous! SUCK ON THAT, Y’ALL” aura to it that doesn’t look particularly good on her.

Speaking of Barbie, and not looking particularly good on her, the next cover is decidedly not safe for work, unless you work at a place that is pro-crack. Of the rump variety, although I guess if your office is pro-crack in terms of the drug, then a naked derriere isn’t going to faze anyone. Otherwise, tread carefully.

did i mention the nsfw thing? because it’s nsfw

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Fug or Fab the Cover: Rihanna on and in Elle Magazine, December 2014


Real Real And Crazy Beautiful” sounds like the title of some Bravo show about dilettantes.

[Photos: Elle]

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Recent Fugs and a Cover: Rita Ora in London and on Cosmopolitan


Whether you love the cover or hate it, it might be the high point of the slideshow.

[Photo: Cosmopolitan, Fame/Flynet]

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Well Played Cover: Lupita Nyong’o on Glamour


This is good, right here:

Lupita-Nyongo-Glamour-December-2014

I support their use of the exclamation point there, after “Lupita,” because when I saw that she was on the Women of the Year cover, I actually SAID, “oh, Lupita!” aloud, in a delighted tone, to my laptop. This white-and-pink theme feels VERY Glamour but also very fresh and the bling-y earrings are appropriately festive without also screaming HAPPY HOLIDAYS! Instead, it just sort of feels like there’s a champagne bottle just out of frame, which personally is how I think all December covers ought to look. Additionally, her eyebrows look great. Has she always has such good brows? Have I somehow overlooked Lupita in my List of People With Great Brows? Consider that error remedied.

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Fug or Fab the Covers: November Vogues


Sound the alarm! American Vogue has a model on the cover! Let’s look at it — and a whole bunch of international Vogues. A LOT of models await you, in fact. ALL MODELS. 100% models!

[Photos: Vogue]

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