Cosmo is REALLy into this one particular font right now: The same one from “Oh My Goddess” and other parts of this cover was the one they used last month to shriek about sex next to Nicki Minaj, and yes, also the one from May’s 50th Anniversary Sex Issue starring Madonna. It’s like they have a new toy they can’t put down.
Sidebar: I’ve given up on understanding how “HOT SUMMER SEX” differs from last month’s WILD SUMMER SEX” — much less from “SEX SO HOT” (June, and that same font again) or “SEX SEX SEX” (May). Do they get paid by the sextion — I mean, the mention?
Otherwise, I think SJP’s hair at least looks great. She is famously naturally curly, and while this may be the blown-out-and-recurled iteration of that, I still at least appreciate that she’s willing to be seen with waves in her hair (LE SIGH, Kidman and Keri Russell and Julianna Margulies). I wish the pose and the facial expression had a little more personality to it — a touch of Nice Girl to temper the fierce, showing she can be both — and a lot less tension in her mouth. But my real beef is the dress. It’s kind of Real Housewives, no? And am I crazy, or does this make her look like she has Anna Nicole-style falsies in there? Maybe she does; maybe it’s not an optical illusion. I don’t even mean it as a judgment. I just genuinely don’t think I have ever noticed her cleavage size before, and so I’m unaccustomed to having them greet me so enthusiastically. But I do know this: Nothing has ever made me so grateful to have dated in the Stone Age than the phrase “Decode His Snapchats.” That sounds mentally exhausting and like a recipe for a Lifetime movie that doesn’t end in the woman’s favor.