I always forget that Allure is a primarily beauty-focused magazine until I actually look at its covers. (Full confession: I actually always really like Allure. It’s always got a good tidbit about, like, the best way to write a thank note and also something interesting about volumizers, both of which are topics in which I have great interest). Some of these covers are more ALLURING than others, though. SEE WHAT I DID THERE? No one’s ever made that crack before.
Fug File: Fug The Cover
I know this will be controversial, but I have to give a hand to a girl who, in an interview with Vogue, refers to her outfit something that looks as if “Sling Blade and Pocahontas had a baby.” That’s legitimately funny. (Also legitimately funny, however, is Entertainment Weekly‘s take on WTF is happening with Preserve, Blake’s GOOP.) I also think this cover look and the inside spread are extremely well-suited to Blake’s Classic American Blonde Good Looks, and, frankly, I am delighted they didn’t try anything Bizarrely Directional on her. Remember that time everyone who was on the cover looked like she’d just been electrocuted?
I wasn’t sold on this at first — I think it’s because I prefer her as a brunette, maybe? — but I’ve come around and now I think she looks relaxed and cool in a way she rarely does on the red carpet.
And while we’re here, your cover SUBJECT should not look like you vertically stretched her photo to make it fit, and/or moved her eyes closer together, and/or gave her a totally new nose, and/or gave her a child’s hands. In short, Zooey Deschanel should look like Zooey Deschanel, and not a Zooey Deschanel doll that failed quality control or melted in the car.
Also, I think that scarf might need to mind its own business, and I am making my best DOUBTFUL face about there being 55 new ways to wear jeans. I assume they mean 55 different outfits for them, but it SOUNDS like they’re saying they’re going to teach us tricks like how to tie them around our necks or wear them like sweaters or turn them into hats.
But, no. All that is tangential to the rest of this mess. Her right hand right now is going to show up in my nightmares. It just does not look like it belongs to her. Or that the fingers and palm came from different people, or… I think I am going to go write a horror movie real quick.
Boy, did the Melissa McCarthy PR machine rev up and score her some good newsstand real estate, and in a wide swath: Rolling Stone, for the ostensible Edgy reader; Redbook, for the less edgy reader; and People, for everyone in between. Hopefully this will distract the world at large from Tammy, which looks awful and was very poorly reviewed (to wit, from Time: “[It] could be an artifact from some alternate universe: the creatures there resemble Earthlings but have an entirely different and debased idea of what’s funny”). I think I’m ready for the Melissa McCarthy Reminds Everyone She Is A Good Actress And Not Just A Comedic Buffoon movie onslaught, in part because that might then yield a better comedy for her down the road. Absence making the heart grow fonder, and all.
This particular issue of Lucky has been promoted as addressing Whatever The Hell Happened in the Elevator With Solange and Jay-Z, but basically what she says is, “I already said what I wanted to say in the statement we made about this earlier, but I get why you’re asking.” Which, honestly, is what I would have said, too. I would not want to re-open that whole thing by announcing that actually she and Jay just have a long-term standing slap-bet, or that they are in a feud stretching through space and time dating back to an ancient Viking curse or whatever the unknowable truth may be. But the reason that I like this cover — and I do — is that she looks VERY Solange. She’s wearing deeply pleated pants and a sweatshirt with a flipbook stapled to it, and she still looks cool. It’s like a miracle, and I suspect it cannot be taught. Also: there’s coffee. I’ll do anything for a cup of coffee.