Fug File: Fug The Cover

Well Played Cover: Sienna Miller on Vogue, January 2015


Did anyone have Sienna Miller in the Vogue predictor post? My GUESS is not, because I’m not sure anyone saw her big push at the end of this year coming. (Having said that, although I’ve heard she’s great in American Sniper, her role in Foxcatcher is blink-and-you’ll-miss-it — in the final cut of the film I think she had three lines, as if all her scenes were casualties of the extra year they took to edit that film, which is not something I blame HER for; it’s just The Way It Goes Sometimes. That whole movie is… curious.) At least she’s a fresh choice, although I would’ve loved to see Emily Blunt. Wearing Prada. Naturally.

[Photos: Vogue]

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Letter of Truth, Part WHAT


“Oh my god, y’all, I don’t know if you follow me on Instagram, but if you did than you saw this thing that happened to me:

My bod looks amazing in this old neoprene bikini from Body Glove  that I found rattling around the back of the closet and decided to wear because the late 80s are super back and I look like maybe I was once in a Whitesnake video in it, but y’all: Since when does my face look like that? CAN YOU WAKE UP WITH A DIFFERENT FACE? Because the answer according to Women’s Health seems to be YES.

PS: Don’t ask me about Jessica Biel.

LOVE BRITNEY.”

[Photo: Instagram]

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Well Played Cover: Cameron Diaz on Cosmo, January 2015


Cosmo Jan '15 Cover

First of all, “Hop Onboard the Naughty Express” makes me laugh. You KNOW that’s courtesy of the same person who talked Joanna Coles into seeing the humor in putting “#BearSkinRun” on the cover a couple of months ago. Hashtag Bearskin Run, I salute you. Second, is that dress Stella, and if so, does that mean that Cameron Diaz made a deal with the devil (Stella McCartney) that has a line-item dictating that Cameron has to wear Stella 75% of the time and on as many covers as possible? Third: I actually really like this cover, and it’s a good reminder that Cammy actually used to be a professional model, because she’s selling everything. Leaning all the way over like that is basically her physically correcting the wonky neckline of that dress, making it look almost totally normal until you really start to examine it, and I feel like her face is the perfect mixture of lively and friendly and fun that is bang on Cosmo’s sweet spot. No pun intended. She feels present to me in a way that is sort of unusual on the modern magazine cover. It’s also possible that I have missed Cameron Diaz and might want her to make a comeback. (I fear Annie will not accomplish this. Basically, I want her to rewind to Being John Malkovich and do everything over from there. I have notes. But they might just be about her career.)

[Photo: Cosmopolitan/Matthias Vriens-McGrath]

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Fug or Fab the Cover (and More): December 2014 Vogue, Featuring Amy Adams, Benedict Cumberbatch, and More


This issue was chock-a-block with stuff, including the world’s current favorite bowl of alphabet soup, Bananabread Cinnabon. One could argue Vogue should have put him on the cover, for newsstand swooning alone. Instead, we got Amy Adams — which more than twenty of you guessed would happen, though mostly in February for American Hustle, rather than in December, for Whatever She’s In Right Now Which Will Probably At Least Net Her A Globe Nod – and while I like her, this cover and I are not the best of friends. Although I will take it a hundred times over the creepy-ass thing they did to her inside the book. Come and see. Be brave.

[Photos: Vogue]

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Fug or Fab the Cover: Chris Hemsworth is People’s Sexiest Man Alive


All right, everyone, let’s do this.

People Magazine Sexiest Man Alive 2014: Chris Hemsworth

Firstly, this picture makes me laugh. It’s not that Chris Hemsworth can’t work this hair, but in this “soulful” pose it evokes nothing to me as much as Beverly Hills, 90210: The College Years, when Donna kept chipping away at her hair and Kelly was in the cult and then burned in a fire with Crispy Lesbian who fell in love with her, and they both had fuller hair on top and wispy semi-mullets in the back (and there’s also a whiff of Tracy, Brandon’s worst latter-day girlfriend, or Kathleen Robertson’s terrible hair when she first joined as Clare, although that link is less terrible). Like this, or kind of this, or maybe this GIF. Think The Rachel, but inexpensively done. Seriously, I see this and I feel like Ray Pruit is going to hop on over and smash some pumpkins and then write a throaty song about it, and everyone will be in baby-doll dresses.

Beyond the fact that I don’t even think this is the best picture of Chris Hemsworth, he feels like a completely random choice, even though I know 90 percent of the breathing world thinks he’s a dreamboat. (Me, I’m a Liam girl; much like with Ryan Gosling, which I know is also sacrilege, for me Chris Hemsworth needs to be moving and talking for about twenty minutes before I get on board the train. I didn’t get it AT ALL until I saw The Avengers, because I missed Thor, much like how I didn’t get Ryan Gosling until Crazy Stupid Love. I know you will think I am crazy, but look at it this way: It means I’m not in the line that’s forming, so more room for everyone else. And I don’t feel bad saying it because I get the impression neither The Hems nor The Gos cares WHAT I think of them as specimens as long as I think they’re good at their jobs, and I do. So.)

Ahem. Anyway, Chris Pratt seems to have been the populist pick, but GQ made him Man of the Year about three days before this cover came out, and my guess is that there is NO WAY that People — justifiably the Grande Dame of the magazine rack — is going to look like it’s chasing another publication. I’m conspiracy-theorying that they wanted to do Chris Pratt but found out enough in advance that GQ would beat them to market, and they switched it out. And that they didn’t go with Idris Elba because they didn’t think he was enough of a household name, and they didn’t go with Neil Patrick Harris because they didn’t think “host of the Oscars” was enough of a future project to hang it off of (and that they just did a Leanly Muscular Guy Who Sings last year with Adam Levine). So they went with The Hems — a nice, hunky, ice-eyed piece of man — and then covered their asses with Idris and Chris, so that they broke off a little bit of those fan bases without looking like a copycat.

But, sound off: Who do you think should’ve been on the cover? (I was afraid they’d pick Married Intern George.) And when it comes to the Hemsworths, are you pro-Chris, pro-Liam, or pro-Bonus Brother who’s oft-forgotten? Honestly, I’ve decided they all draw their power from each other. If we only had one Hemsworth, for instance, would that Hemsworth burn as brightly? See: We’re all philosophy up in here.

[Photo: People]

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Fab and Fug the Cover: Kim Kardashian on Paper Magazine


“What’s that silly lady doing?” asked one of the beans.

Kim Kardashian: Paper Magazine, November 2014

 

What does one say to that? Oh, just drizzling Champagne into her ass glass? Or, Using her personal tray table? Pouring a tall glass of mommy juice?

I settled on, “Nothing important.”

Having said that — and I stand by it — this is actually a perfectly kicky and arresting visual for someone who surely would love it if we all believed her life involved raining Moet & Chandon all over sparkly couture. It’s chipper and it’s gleeful and it’s flaunting everything about her that she might want to flaunt — including her absurd level of fame and the Internet that helped hand it to her.But this is also one of the most photographed women in the world. We know what her body looks like. It is going to take some extreme proof to make me believe she hasn’t been given the Barbie treatment by an airbrusher, which I fear will make our younglings want to have throw-pillows surgically implanted in their nethers (which is about as real as her rear-end looks in this finished product). Kim Kardashian is not someone who can afford to be perceived as any more cartoonish than she already is, and yet here we are. So the thing is, I like the whimsy, and it’s by far the nicest of her three photos. But there’s also an “I’m famous! SUCK ON THAT, Y’ALL” aura to it that doesn’t look particularly good on her.

Speaking of Barbie, and not looking particularly good on her, the next cover is decidedly not safe for work, unless you work at a place that is pro-crack. Of the rump variety, although I guess if your office is pro-crack in terms of the drug, then a naked derriere isn’t going to faze anyone. Otherwise, tread carefully.

did i mention the nsfw thing? because it’s nsfw

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