Fug File: Downton Abbey

Your Afternoon Downton Abbey

On the off chance you didn’t see the trailer for the final season of Downton Abbey, released a couple of days ago:

A) WHYYYYY  are you leaving me, Downton, although, also, it’s probably good that you’re going out before Julian Fellowes would be forced to either kill off Violet, or make her a vampire.

B) WHERE IS MATTHEW GOODE? If we don’t get Matthew Goode on Downton OR on The Good Wife, my rage will be palpable and I’ll be liable to…well, type really furiously into the internet. Really quite furiously!

C) I assume that every moment in which Poor Edith looks happy is immediately followed by (a) the building exploding, (b) the person at whom she is smiling dropping dead, (c) Nazis.

D) If Bates gets arrested again, I quit (hahahaha jk it’s too late to quit now).

E) As ever, we Americans are v. jealous of those of you who don’t have to wait until JANUARY to watch this; also as ever, thank you for not spoiling us for lo these many seasons. Never in my life have I been more spoiler-phobic than about this show. Wait, that’s a lie. For the last week before the final Harry Potter book came out, I only visited like two sites on the internet and one of them was this one, out of fear of getting spoiled. I literally raced through it because I had tickets for the Hollywood Bowl the day after it was published, and I knew that if I was in the Wine Line and someone in front of me was all, “I can’t believe Dumbledore actually was time-traveling Ron after all!!!!” it would have ruined my entire life. I would have been all:


F) Time-traveling aside, all I know is, this season better be full of people making out, romantic declarations, villains being pushed down wells, and the discovery, at long last, of Lord G’s missing Gutenberg Bible. Let’s all cross our fingers.

PS: If you need to revisit our Downton recaps, they live here. To the Boot Room!


Royally Played: Duchess Kate Visits Downton

This is only my favorite thing that’s happened all week. Or, technically, I suppose, my “favourite.” When in Downton! TO THE BOOT ROOM!

[Photos: Chris Jackson/Getty]

[Photos: Getty]


Fug the Show: Downton Abbey recap, The Season Five Christmas Special

I laughed, I cried, I yelled, “JUST KISS HER ALREADY” at the TV (more than once), I applauded the long-awaited and much-desired appearance of Matthew Goode (who was born to wear tweeds in period pieces and perhaps also in my apartment while handing me cocktails), I cooed over some of the best locations at which this show has EVER shot, I covered my face with frustration over the non-resolution of the one plot I most wanted resolved and put away forever, I threatened one character with death. In short: We have so much to discuss.  TO THE BALLROOM!

PS: As ever, this season, I used the British version from iTunes to recap this, so the if the US version had a scene where, say, Matthew Goode chopped wood whilst shirtless or something…please let me know.


Fug the Show: Downton Abbey recap, Season 5, episode 8

Matthew Goode arrives NEXT WEEK. I feel like we need a Matthew Goode Countdown Clock on this thing. Like the clock on 24, except what we’re waiting for is HOTNESS.  Anyway, this week was full of intriguing developments. Several were maddening. One was lovely. One made me cry. One made me want to MURDER. But best of all, Lord Grantham earned himself a gold star this week. Also, we were given the loveliness of the Crawleys’ London HQ, and also hats. SO MANY HATS. To the sun room!

NOTE: As usual, I used the UK version of this  episode available on iTunes to write this recap so I could get it done in a timely fashion given that the Oscars aired simultaneously. So if the version you watched on Sunday night involved a scene in which, say, Mrs Hughes punches Thomas, with sexy results, please let me/us know in the comments.

NOTE PART TWO: THE NOTENING: If you’ve seen the Christmas special for this season, the ONLY ONE LEFT unseen by we behind-the-times Americans, please continue to keep its secrets! Thank you!


Fug the Show: Downton Abbey recap, Season 5, episode 7

You guys, this episode was SO VERY GOOD. It had all kinds of wonderfulness in it: kissing, both swoony and awkward! Proposals! Schemes! Bastards being called out! Mary deservedly getting her ass handed to her a bit! The discovery of truths! A masterclass in scene work from Dame Maggie Smith, international treasure! The Folly! Several wonderful hats and one TRULY HIDEOUS one! EVERYTHING. Except Matthew Goode. I am so tired of waiting for him. (One more episode to go.)

Note the usual: if you’ve seen the rest of this season, please don’t spoil us! WE’RE SO CLOSE TO THE END. To the Drawing Room!

PPS: I recapped this via the UK version (on iTunes) so I could get it done during Fashion Week, so PLEASE let me know if any scenes in the US version randomly contradicted any of this; I haven’t gotten a second to compare the two yet. ONWARD!


Fug the Show: Downton Abbey recap, Season 5, episode 6

Oh my god we have a lot to talk about. Parts of this episode filled me with GLEE and others with RAGE and others with an intense longing to learn to ride a horse and then time-travel back to the ’20s so I could put on a really great riding habit and race through the glorious English countryside as a way to flirt with handsome people in weird pants. Also: someone finally mentions Hitler.

Here, imagine my traditional note asking those of you who have seen this entire season to forever hold your peace. Or at least until the time has come to RELEASE your peace.

ALSO: the fact that our slideshows cannot handle a horizontal photo means that the opening visual for this recap is, YES, a POLE and some dirty dishes. Carson would DIE. We, however, shall have to carry on. To the Boot Room of Doom!

ALSO ALSO: This week, the UK (and iTunes) version of this episode and the US one are surprisingly different. I recapped from my British iTunes episode, and then WATCHED the US version, so…there are parts where this recap gets all over the place because I went back in to add some stuff that I never got to screengrab. I’m just warning you. Feel free to upbraid me in the Boot Room of Doom.


Fug the Show: Downton Abbey Recap, Season 5 episode 5

It’s possible — POSSIBLE — that our long national (nay, international) nightmare may be over. RING THE BELLS! All that, plus (unintentionally?) hilarious fisticuffs, bejeweled headpieces aplenty, loads of “Poooooor Edith”ing, and several delectable dressing gowns. Oh, also: veiled accusations of murder, but I should hope that goes without saying around here. In other words: just another week at Downton. It is, however, my duty to inform you that I felt this week unfolded with nary a true MIC DROP from the Dowager Countess. Hopefully this means that next week will just be her sweeping into rooms, unleashing SICK BURNS on everyone, and then sweeping out.

And here is my weekly note to please request that you, if you have seen the rest of this season, hold your spoilers deep and careful in your most secret heart, so as not to ruin the fun for the rest of us. (I ended up buying this season on iTunes, and they gave it ALL TO ME on Thursday and it’s all I can do to not watch every episode TONIGHT. I’m only staying strong because I don’t trust myself not to eff up here and be like, “OMG BUT WAIT UNTIL THE ALIENS ARRIVE” or whatever. You Secret Keepers are better at this than I am.) To the drawing room!