VMAs Fug Carpet: Rita Ora in Donna Karan


I don’t know how else to say it, so I’ll be blunt: You have WAY too much crap on your hands, child. Fingers are important. Don’t impede their function. LET YOUR PHALANGES DANCE.

[Photos: Fame/Flynet, Getty, AKM-GSI]

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VMAs Fugs: Ariana Grande


There was this whole bit Jay Pharoah did last night about how HOT Ariana Grande is and how HOT he is for her and thank god she’s 21 because otherwise it would be CREEPY how much he wants to bang her and she should write a song about how she’s actually legal, to, like, reassure dudes that it’s cool to perv out on her, and I was like, “dude, her being a legal adult doesn’t make any of this much less creepy on your part, so maybe stop talking now.” I hope she actually writes a song called Yes, This Is My Sexy Phase But Keep It Together, Dude. That being said, I do believe she is in the midst of that thing  child stars do where they go pants-less and/or pose for Maxim so that everyone knows they cannot be pigeon-holed into some prudish hole.

[Photos: Getty, AKM/GSI]

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VMAs Fugs and Fabs: Nicki Minaj


Believe it or not, I think she came out ahead last night.

[Photos: Getty, Splash, AKM/GSI]

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VMAs Well Played: Gwen Stefani in LAMB


well-played

There were a few moments last night when a look washed across Gwen Stefani’s face –  when she and Snoop were talking about Inglewood on stage, when she was being interviewed on the red carpet — that seemed to say, “sweet grunge revival, I am too old for this shit.” And at that moment, I felt a connection between myself and Gwen flourish and grow in a way it hasn’t since the days when I was in college and we used a pertinent clip from “Spiderwebs” on our outgoing voice message. And so it brings me EXTRA delight to tell you that she looked awesome last night:

The 2014 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

This is totally fun, and she looks fun in it, without looking: desperate, weird, sleazy, naked, inappropriately dressed for the occasion, too old, too young, too hot, too cold, too too, too anything. Learn from her, youngsters.

[Photo: Fame/Flynet]

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VMAs Mostly Well Played, Beyonce, with Bonus Solange


I know this will enrage everyone and get the Beygency on my ass, but I think that, deep down, I just don’t care about Beyonce at the same level that everyone else seems to care about Beyonce.  And I kind of feel like even BEYONCE currently is kind of like, “meh, you guys. I’m sort of over me right now. Let’s talk about Big Brother!” because both of her red carpet outfits from last night are right out of Beyonce 101 and what you might costume a Beyonce Celebrity Impersonator in — a REALLY GOOD impersonator, the Champagne of impersonators, but still.

That said, I am not made of stone and when Jay-Z brought Blue Ivy up on stage to give Beyonce her Nobel Prize, and she CLAPPED and said “YAY MOMMMY” I basically just about died, because it was the cutest. Hey, maybe I feel about Blue Ivy the way other people feel about Beyonce. If you missed that, by the way, we have footage after the jump:

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VMAs Fug Carpet: Iggy Azalea in Versace


As I noted on Twitter, I cannot latch onto Iggy Azalea. When she’s standing around, or being interviewed, there’s no real there there, and when she’s performing absolutely nothing about her comes across as authentic in any way. It’s all a big put-on, and it’s not even an INTERESTING put-on, so I’m flummoxed as to how this is happening at all. Maybe I really have stepped over that last chasm that now separates me from The Youngs. (I DID, in fact, note to Jessica that  her ponderous song with Rita Ora and the boring stuff Ariana Grande, Jessie J, and Nicki Minaj sang all somehow sounded the same. I AM SIXTY INSIDE.)

Anyhoo: Iggy.

Iggy Azalea at the VMAs 2014

She told a really poor story about this dress that went something like, “They flew me a dress and it didn’t even fit me and they busted it apart and put it on me and here I am.” First, yes, it looks like it. Second, she has got to work on her delivery. Third, meh. If that clear patch is supposed to be a window into her the mysteries of her very core, I don’t think it’s working.

[Photo: Getty]

 

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