Fug Madness 2013, Round Two: Madonna Bracket, Part II


 

(4) KE$HA vs. (5) JESSICA CHASTAIN

In many ways, I’ve come to expect Cracked-Out May Queen Doing The Walk Of Shame from Ke$ha.

But I did not expect — and hope never to see again — this from Jessica Chastain:

Miguided her tastes may be, or ill-fitting or just off, they’re rarely desperate for attention. This was an uncharacteristically naked ploy in more ways than one. AND IT IS SO HIDEOUS. I think everyone watching the Tony’s that night, both inside the theater and on TV, thought they were having a stroke when she walked out in this.

Ke$ha also had a year full of loud pantsuits and bright florals, which aren’t always awful, but they’re sure an awful lot.

This IS always awful. I owned that bra in 1994, and it was called Second Skin Satin, and I thnk even Victoria’s Secret has abandoned it. It figures that the one time Chastain chooses shoes that are worthy of her, she pairs it with a totally dopey Fairy Godmother bodice.

Maybe Chastain is Ke$ha’s fairy godmother. It would explain why this pantsuit evokes that famous Alexander McQueen Oscars gown that Jessica wore. It worked better as a dress, and without a putrescent ascot.

“Barkeep, slide down one jug of XXX Home Brew, extra bitter. We’re celebrating tomorrow’s invention of the iron.”

Part of me appreciates a Formal Poncho — a very abstract part of me; the part that assumes Jessica and I will end up living in a house full of cheesecake and support hose while our mustachioed ex-husbands drift in and our of our lives — but most of me is too distracted by the fishing line on her head to think much harder about it.

Chastain similarly struggles with what to do to her head:

That hair and makeup on her is AN AMERICAN TRAGEDY.

Sometimes Ke$ha tries to look scrubbed-up and clean, but she STILL somehow manages to look like the ice-skater from the wrong side of the tracks. Both of the railroad and weave variety.

But this was ostensibly SUPPOSED to be awesome and showstopper-y and all that, and yet somehow everyone on her team missed that it is a horrible fit. She looked light years better at both the BAFTAs and the Oscars, so it makes you wonder how this was allowed to happen; then again, she has also been encouraged to wear things like this in public. And this:

A girl should never have to win her first Golden Globe in a dress that sketchy. Clearly the ChasTeam is totally jacked up right now.

Don’t mind Ke$ha; she just wanted to make one last naked, ripped bid for your support.

Archives: Ke$ha, Jessica Chastain

(1) KRISTEN STEWART vs. (9) CHRISTA B. ALLEN 

I feel a little bad for Christa B. Allen. Her character on Revenge is one of the most maligned, and it is not entirely her fault — yes, her affect is flat, but half the time she’s acting opposite Madeleine Stowe, who only has one register. And that register works for Victoria Grayson, but if you have a young poppet in a scene with you and she’s following your lead and it becomes a Flat-a-Thon, it’s too much. But also, they give her little to do except utter lines about the ballet like, “I pray for Balanchine,” and I promise you nobody whose only function is to say BORINGLY hoity-toity stuff like that could possibly resist Flat Affect Town. At least give her TANTALIZING hoity-toity lines, Revenge Writers. Unless you are trying to trap her somehow, in which case… it’s working.

This dress was also a trap, methinks, and she fell right into it. I bet it looked okay on the hanger, but on her body, it’s eating her alive. It’s a cocoon of inexpensive-looking stuff. But a potentone: Applause to Christa B. here, for surprising me with her staying power. I really thought Eva Longoria’s see-through rear-end would knock her out — so it’s only apt that she’s now going up against someone who had TWO of them. 

This looks like she sat in a tar pit.

Overwrought ornate swaddling again from Christa…

… naked again from Kristen. Lots of people tried to applaud her for wearing this gown after her whole cheating scandal — as a way of thumbing her nose at the bad press — but what they’re forgetting is, K.Stew had already DONE that. At the Toronto Film Festival for On The Road, which was her actual first public appearance after the Rupert Sanders debacle, she wore this:

And at the time, I gave it a thumbs-up, because I thought the context was amusing: People in the media were treating her like a modern Hester Prynne, as if she were the only party who screwed up, and this outfit seemed to say, “I am not going quietly into the night just because you jerkwads are acting like I am a rotten temptress who lured an innocent man into sin.” But when I look at it now and try to divorce myself from WHEN and maybe WHY she wore it, I’m not sure I’d have embraced it as much. I can’t decide. It’s interesting, and a lot to look at, and aspects of it are beautiful and at least her hair is done. But if, say, Rachel McAdams wore it on a random Tuesday, or January Jones put it on, or even Christa B. Allen here, would we have rolled our eyes and fugged without mercy? Hard to say.

I will happily roll my eyes at this without context. It’s absurd. Among other things — I think Kristen would probably borrow that shirt quite willingly, actually — Christa is  wearing a velveteen beanbag chair.

Who decided Playtex Cross Your Heart bras needed to be back, and bigger than ever?

That is a glorified Playtex Cross-Your-Neck bra.

Are those Playtex Cross-Your-Foot Shoes?

Now I’m just crossing myself, praying fervently that whatever gift-wrap factory is chewing up teen girls and spitting them out at InStyle parties will be closed down for cruelty.

Also cruel: Whoever told Kristen that this dress fit. If I were her, I’d have slipped and cut my foot on purpose JUST so that the crutches would have a shot at overshadowing the problems with the garment.

Yikes, child.

Why is she wearing soccer shorts at the Hurricane Sandy telethon? If you lost all your belongings, would you want to see someone who has all her belongings wearing this in your name?

Nobody should be wearing this at all, in anyone’s name, ever.

Double ditto for this:

I’ll give this to K.Stew: Any event she’s supposed to be at, I look forward to, for this exact reason. WHO WEARS THIS? A brave person, if also a totally mad one. She is not afraid of ANYTHING. And she probably should be, but let’s hope her imperviousness to terror lasts a few years longer because I’m not ready to let go of the hope that she will drop my jaw anew.

Archives: Christa B. Allen, Kristen Stewart

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Comments (41):

  1. Alyssa
    0

    I just can’t stand the upside down crosses Ke$ha likes to wear. I voted for her & Kristen. Although I appreciate KStew’s edgier style, she veered too much into sheer wackery this year for me.

  2. pantsonfire
    0

    I like me some K. Stew, but I just had to give her the vote on this one based largely on that black lace pantsuit from hell, the too small mint/neon combo at the end, and those two non-color see-through numbers. I’ll note that none of the foregoing reads particularly “Kristen Stewart” to me, and she does so much better when she sticks with less aggressively/busily fem stuff — I just don’t really see her as a lace and bedazzled fluff kind of person.

    I thought that Krista’s gift-wrap dress/belt was very close to being supremely awesome, if the belt were taken down a notch.

    • Rose
      0

      Ditto.
      Although, I did like the black flowery one on K. Stew. I thought she looked great that night.

  3. MG
    0

    Kristen at the telethon has always scared me. I couldn’t hear what she was saying because the voices in my head kept saying “Scrub, scrub, scrub.”

  4. Stefanie
    0

    Kristen could ride that black lace jumpsuit to victory. And then wear that nude granny pantie mess for celebratory cocktails. (But I still really like the flowered number.)

  5. jen310
    0

    I had to vote for Jessica because she is so talented and so pretty and she should be rocking every appearance she makes but her fug fashions do not do justice to the person she is. KNasty, I expect her to show up looking the way she does – fugly clean or fugly unclean – but Jessica has proved that she has it in her to look gorgeous when it is called for (the Oscars). She needs to be at the level all the time. Jessica deserves better and should know better therefore bests KNasty for me.

    Kristen takes chances and fails with her fug. She’s no Diane Kruger. But Kristen can turn it out when she wants to. Christa is still new to the game and needs a stylist’s help. Kristen presumably has one although I don’t think she pays them any minds and if she does – fire him/her. Therefore, Kristen’s fug crimes are greater than Christa’s.

  6. Alyce
    0

    Chastain is so much more fug than Ke$ha; I don’t know how Ke$ha is winning. Kesha (I can’t type the dollar sign again…) dresses horribly on purpose, just to attract attention. Jessica, on the other hand, is actually trying to look good at these events! To me, the motivation behind the fug makes all the difference!

    • Liz
      0

      COMPLETELY agree

    • laura
      0

      Yup, that’s why I voted for Jessica too!

    • Frances
      0

      Yep, with you. And I have to admit, I kind of respect Kesha for it. She looks like she’s in on the joke.

    • Karen
      0

      Word. In so many of these pairings, I keep saying, “But that’s her JOB.” I guess it’s because I refuse to consider stage costumes, and folks like Kesha and Nicki Minaj are in costume full-time.

    • Nancy
      0

      I agree…Kesha has her schtick, and part of that is how she dresses, and she still sometimes doesn’t look as bad as Chastain. Chastain – I cannot believe she is really trying to look good!! Tragic!!

      And I LOVE that flower dress on Stewart. That one dress on Christa, with the orange-y color just randomly strewn across her middle – that one won her my vote!! I have never seen such a ridiculous dress worn seriously. Who designed that atrocity?? They should lose their license to design!!

  7. ab
    0

    it appears that i am as usual, falling on the side of bad fashion in the fug madness race between costuming and bad fashion. chastain. is gorg. occasionally wears beautiful clothes but really has too many missteps for someone who presumably employs a stylist. kayha, on the other hand, has a costume for a name (dollar sign, etc) and clearly wants you to have a problem with her clothes/is making a statement. that is why chastain’s fug reigns for me.

  8. Rebecca
    0

    I had to go with Chastain. At least some of Ke$ha’s pantsuits have fun, interesting patterns; Chastain just chooses terrible, unflattering dresses and I just CAN’T with her anymore.

  9. jerkygirl
    0

    This one seems to have come down to “dirty fug” vs. “clean fug” for me. I voted for Ke&ha because yeah, she’s like a little Gaga with her costumey self, but she has such a smarmy look to her that I had to vote for her, simply because Chastain looks like she bathes regularly. Also, JC’s clothes are puzzling, and ill-fitting, and rarely worthy of her, but she always looks fresh as a daisy.

    Christa B. Allen gave Kristen Stewart a run for her money, but K. Stew’s oil slick of death pantsuit thingy really sealed the deal for me. Along with A LOT of her other outfits, of course, but it was pretty close.

    • Sandra
      0

      Amen, sister! Dirty fug is fuglier than clean fug. And I’m pretty sure that Ke$ha thinks she looks good too.

  10. Sylvia
    0

    The black pantsuit will take K. Stew far. That and the gym shorts.

    And Ke dollar sign ha got my vote, but it was closer than I thought it would be. I think her clothes are the definition of fug, but Jessica frustrates me more. I’m almost rethinking this vote y’all.

  11. mazzy
    0

    I don’t have so much of a problem with the white bra top KStew’s wearing there, as I do with the fact that those pants just did not fit. In a few pics, they looked okay, but everytime she moved, they were bunching and bagging terribly.

    And I’ll forever not be down with the narrative that wearing see-through clothes for months was some kind of statement of empowerment.

  12. erin
    0

    That last Ke$ha shot is to die. I can’t look at this site anymore when I’m working the library reference desk, I’m embarrassing myself.

    I’m surprised Christa is losing so heartily to Kristen. Christa always looks like she’s trying too hard (kind of like on Revenge!) and almost always misses the mark. Everything is just big and fussy and busy and doesn’t look like something she would wear at all. Kristen at least tries some interesting things and much of the time her style works for her. Kinda wild and dirty (although that outfit in the last shot is a crime). She’s intriguing to me. Christa is just…an unfortunate dresser. But bless her heart.

    • kayla
      0

      I KNOW. I was all set to vote for Jessica Chastain until I scrolled to the kesha cartwheel picture. Look up the word “skank” in the dictionary and you will see kesha’s picture.

  13. Helen
    0

    Is it weird that Ke$ha’s twisted sense of humor with her clothes is really growing on me?

    I actually voted Chastain because of that.

  14. Cecily
    0

    Kristen Stewart is a beautiful girl. One who clearly has no friend(s) who will say to her, “That does not look good.” All that see-through, tar pit lace and leather, oy! I cringed at every one, except the flowery number, that was rather pretty, and she wore it well (and her hair was washed!)…

  15. Betsy
    0

    My vote went to KStewart. If you are going for the nekkid/lace see through thing (see picture of tan lace item), where either full coverage or a thong, not something that is going to bisect your rear end and look like a bad panty line.

  16. CranAppleSnapple
    0

    Is anyone else getting a malware warning when they try to comment?

  17. CranAppleSnapple
    0

    The Chastain Golden Globes look is also particularly freaky because it looks like she’s going bald from the center-part outwards. Gives me the heebie jeebies.

  18. agcons
    0

    Chastain’s Bedizened Boobies is far, far worse in close-up, and it was seizure inducing already. Also, there’s that nasty GG dress again. Sorry, Ke$ha.

    Stewart, for the Tarry, Tarry, Sight getup and (again) that Shower-Curtain-Granny-Knickers thing.

  19. Sandy
    0

    I voted for Jessica because she is wearing Sandy’s capelet from the Rydell High dance contest. Oh the memories of being 7 and wanting that outfit. I think Jessica just got caught up in the nostalgia?

  20. Art Eclectic
    0

    We all fug that KStew black lace jumpsuit now…but you just watch, Britney Spears will show up in it 20 years from now in Las Vegas and somehow it will work.

  21. Patrick
    0

    Did you see the feature on her tatooed wants her own time in the sun mother in the LA Times? Everything is illuminated.

  22. Trace
    0

    I’ll say this much for K-Stew – at least she takes risks with her fashion choices. They don’t always work but at least they’re talked about!

  23. Gabi
    0

    They totally still sell Second Skin Satin at Victoria’s Secret, and it is hideous! I also had that bra in the 90′s but I have no idea who is still buying them today (meanwhile, they discontinued my fave bra at VS – it was called the Emma bra and was pretty much the only one they have ever sold without jumbo padding/pinchy underwire. grrr, VS rant over lol). All that being said, I voted for Kesha, because 1) she amuses me and 2) Chastain actually looks quite pretty at least 55% percent of the time. Also K. Stew all the way based on those hideous black pant alone. Blech.

  24. Caroline
    0

    Putrescent Ascot would be a great band name.

  25. Mimi
    0

    Went Jessica just because, as someone else said, she is clearly trying to be fab and failing, whereas Kesha is (presumably) deliberately trying to look a mess.

    It was a hard choice between KStew and Christa, but that last outfit of Kristen’s offends me so much that it gave her the edge. Although I would like to see those shoes with something else, because I think they’re kind of fun.

  26. Sajorina
    0

    I love some of what Kristen is wearing, but hate everything Christa is wearing, so Christa gets my vote!

  27. Kim
    0

    I think Kristen Stewart’s outfit choices spanning the last year have been nothing but a giant F U to, well, everyone. To people in Hollywood, to people at home, etc. And I applaud her for that if nothing else. She is a fearless, fugly, fabulous girl and she gets my vote.

  28. Tiffany
    0

    I think Jessica deserves the vote over Kesha because she is actually trying to look good. Chastain is a fashion tragedy! So pretty in such fuggery!

  29. camille
    0

    I voted for Ke$ha, but I honestly am more saddened by Chastain’s missteps than hers – Chastain is trying to look amazing, and when she succeeds, she REALLY succeeds, but she just screws it up a lot and that’s disappointing. I don’t know if it’s possible to be disappointed in Ke$ha.

  30. llism
    0

    I voted for JChas in the hopes that she’ll win, and then upon realizing she won, WILL HIRE A STYLIST. A woman that beautiful should NOT look that consistently bad.