In which two ladies with great genes ABUSE THEM BRUTALLY. For example, Biel gave herself Avian Flu:

While Hendricks infested herself with some kind of applique-related creeping crud, which I can only assume is related to her Mold Attack.

Poor Biel spent much of the summer suffering from a severe case of Rufflomania:

Not to mention its related malady, One Arm Caftanictonia, a mild case of the Musty Drabstwice!

Hendricks has a severe and possibly incurable case of Remitting and Relapsing OUCH:

Is it better to suffer from OUCH, or from Severe Advanced Geriatricitosis? Ask yourself that hard question:

Because this looks itchy. And it’s no better with the coat on.

Hendricks also suffers from a brutal case of the Ruts. Namely, the black and white ones, and while the black and white is a delicious cookie — look to the cookie, Jerry! — it gets a little stale in your wardrobe after a while:

Even that dude is skeptical.

And here, she seriously looks like a NYSE docent reporting for work in her polyester uniform:

Speaking of bad pants, though, we can’t go through a bracket featuring Jessica Biel without revisiting The Crotcheted Pants of Horror:

I need to lay down.

Archives: Jessica Biel, Christina Hendricks


Or: the battle of the blonde models.

I present this without comment:

Kruger at least has the accumulated wisdom to know that the best way to distract us from the fringe and feathers and folderol on HER dress is Pacey:

If the eyes are the windows to the soul, is the window on the back of Klum’s jumpsuit/blazer ensemble the eyes to her torso?

This outfit is CLEARLY designed to be the eyes to Kruger’s rib cage:

And this is basically The Eyes To EVERYTHING, and I wish my own eyes were wide shut:

After that little number, this frock of Kruger’s seems sincerely SINCERELY demure, even though it has its own Window To Her Thighs:

But that is so sincerely NOT all. Klum also went semi-naked to the Emmys, and also to the Met Gala. She repeated her Lace Sheer Leggy look here, and here and  — oh, just look at her archives. They are EXTREME.

Kruger’s are no less dramatic, all full of berets, and more berets, and Heidi braids, and top knots, and Pacey. Always some Pacey.