Fug Madness 2012, Round Two: Charo Bracket, Part II

 

(2) RIHANNA vs. (10) JESSICA WHITE 

We might as well lead with this. There’s no point making you wait. Let’s rip off the Band-Aid and recover together.

This is one of the most hideous things I have ever seen in my life, and yes, that life includes almost eight years of writing a Web site that focuses almost entirely on hideous things. And okay, we could say, “Perhaps Ms. White was just suffering from momentary dementia.” But then how do you explain this? Which she wore on her birthday? And is the granny panty frock version of this Polygamist Mechanic outfit?

Girlfriend is not shy about the sheers, for sure:

She wore the first thing to a Jay-Z concert, and this to the launch of Beyonce’s perfume. Is there something about Mr. and Mrs. Carter that makes her want to whip it out? Does she have a thing for one of them? Is she hoping either Bey or Jay will one day decide to throw back the curtains and open the window, as it were? Probably not. She probably just has awful taste. But I live in a world where the soapy explanation is always the most awesome. So might Jessica White, because this outfit totally belongs on one. Maybe tonight I will say a little prayer that Victoria Grayson will lose her mind on Revenge and show up in the finale wearing that turban.

Jessica also has a thing for harem pants, going by this and then this:

Oh, supermodels. Why do you always try to test yourselves so?

Rihanna, of course, is no stranger to taking very good DNA and then wrapping it in crack paper.

I know this is for a music video, but I also firmly believe she’d as easily wear this out to dinner, or to the doctor. It’s Rihanna. She doesn’t think like you and I do. She wears weird visors and shredded shirts, and Batman sunglasses with t-shirts that have Elizabeth Taylor’s face on them (that is a strange, strange sentence to have to write), and bone pants:

They aren’t even GOOD bone pants. I only accept them if she is on her way to present an award to a calcium enthusiast at an osteoporosis fundraiser.

Formalwear is not always her strong suit, either. Much like J.White up there, Rihanna wore lace to weird effect, and a train that was approximately ten miles long. And then THIS:

She looks like a very, very minty Muppet who retired to South Florida to live in a house with three roommates and a lanai.

Ugh. And whoa. And a lot of you really hated this, which I didn’t; some of you DIDN’T hate this, although it wasn’t my favorite, but that is what makes the world — and Fug Madness — go ’round. And if you are one of those who believes stagewear is off-limits because it’s supposed to be fun, I ask you: Where is the fun in this? It’s all of the fug of Flashdance with none of the corresponding hilarity or dramatic welding.

The Today show must have been so proud.

(3) CHRISTINA HENDRICKS vs. (11) ROBYN

Again, let’s not beat around the bush:

I must repeat myself: This is one of the most hideous things I have ever seen in my life, and yes, that life includes almost eight years of writing a Web site that focuses almost entirely on hideous things. And okay, we could say, “Perhaps Ms. Carlson was just suffering from momentary dementia.” But then how do you explain this? Which she wore to an awards show? And which looks like a Gaga-themed car wash?

You get the gist. Robyn and J.White weren’t out as much as their opponents, so perhaps they strove to pack as much fug as they could into one punch.

I would really, really like to see this dojo.

Brought to you by Three-Day Blinds.

Hey, at least she’s cheerful. Whether she wins or loses, I think we can all agree this cat needs to PURR in 2012 so that we get another Fug Madness run.

Let’s turn our attention to more sober matters:

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.

WHY IS THAT YOUR ONLY TRICK. IT ISN’T EVEN A GOOD TRICK. And, OMG WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING.

OWIE OWIE OWIE. (Although can we discuss how Christuary Jondricks was right-on? Maybe Vivienne Westwood is partly to blame.) It doesn’t have to be this way, as Lucky gracefully showed us, so why does she persist? I think the answer is: no taste.

Colonel Sanders wore half of this to his senior Prom.

And while that neckline is much better, in general, the dress itself looks like somebody’s wood-paneled study. It’s like she can’t NOT have a weird issue: Whenever she solves the boob issue, or tries to, she ends up with a wonky color or a weird silhouette. Or potentially upholstered. All I feel is frustration. Mad Men is in its fifth season. HIRE A STYLIST.