Efuglabeth Olsen

Elizabeth Olsen is so lovely. But as for her outfit, well, my reaction to this dress is in the vein of that old grandmotherly “but you’re such a pretty girl, I wish you’d just brush your hair and wash that stuff off your face” trope.

As in, “You’re such a funky pattern; I wish you’d just take off that bib and get a trim and find some accessories, like maybe a belt.” And then the dress would shout at me, “You just don’t GET IT,” and flounce off to its room and slam the door and crank up the latest Bieber tune, and I’d be like, “In MY day, we had REAL music,” and then go clean my dentures.

[Photo: Getty]

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Comments (17):

  1. Ruth

    You forgot to comment about the Cousin Oliver in the room: those hideous, hideous shoes.

    •  HelenBackAgain

      I really, actually laughed at “the Cousin Oliver in the room.” Well played!

  2. Sandra

    Oh man, the twins finally wore her down. Now she dresses like an elderly bag lady as well.

    • Maria L.

      She still has a ways to go before she can match the twins’ Gray Gardens level, but she’s signaling that the game is on with this baggy, unflattering outfit and orthopedic shoes.

  3.  HelenBackAgain

    This is just a disaster, the whole thing. Her head looks good, but from there down… it doesn’t even look intentional. I suspect she may be wrapped in her dressing-room rug. And the shoes! They’re not just ugly, they don’t even make any sense.

  4. TaraMisu

    Those shoes are……. well I can’t even come up with a word. Ugly seems too lighthearted in this case.

  5. VanceMan

    I can’t believe Marchesa and Rodarte this week have worn me down to the point of “At least she’s covered.” I couldn’t digest it any further.

  6. Mimi

    I have skinny jeans in a very similar pattern except they are white & pink on black instead of green on black. Not mentioning for any reason other than to say they make my butt look BANGIN.

  7. Elbyem

    She looks great – from the straps up. The rest is demented Holly Hobby.

  8. simply_readd

    This is the fashion equivalent to the barrel with straps that cartoon characters wore when denuded … so not cute!!

  9. Sajorina

    I love your imaginary scenario, Heather! I agree that the dress has potential because it’s a nice fabric in an interesting pattern! Her hair & makeup are great and I like the shoes! This dress could be Unfugged!

    • Caro

      The only way to unfug thisdisaster is to deposit all of it in the nearest landfill. She could have smeared tar on her naked body and looked better.

  10. bilbo

    That’s not just a pattern. That’s TWO patterns, one smaller than the other. There are tremendous ways to flatter a body with two patterns, and this is exactly how not to.

  11.  Sarah

    Has she been hanging out with Julianne Moore? Shapeless, mindbogglingly unflattering dress plus ugly shoes has her written all over it.

  12. Bonnie Klein

    This family must have some hypersensitivity that requires them to wear clothes that do not touch their skin. All of them wear GIGANTIC clothes. That thing looks like a size 20 on a size 8 body.