Can Gwen take down Kim, and if not, which of Jared and Karolina will rise to confront her?

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(1) Kim Kardshian vs. (8) Gwen Stefani 

Realistically speaking, this will be challenging for Gwen. I mean, this is a thing that happened, and I fully believe it was carefully considered, despite the fact that it looks like a drunken fashion mad lib.

Kim Kardashian Rocks A See Through Top In NYC

Why do I think that? Because I do not believe a Kardashian is a Kardash-out-the-door kind of creature. Not even when that’s what they want people to think.

Kim Kardashian Steps Out In Miami Wearing A Revealing Top

For example, I’m sure Kim tried on several pairs of jeans just to find the one that made that lingerie look the MOST like she’s a Motley Crue groupie. And she surely worked through a bunch of tube tops…

Paris Fashion Week Womenswear Spring/Summer 2017 - Off White Show

… to find the one that turned her boobs a specific shade of taupe, while redirecting one of her nipples far to the west.

Kim & Kourtney Kardashian Out In Miami

And of course that whole look is meant to be artfully disheveled, not just disheveled.

This doubtless took time to secure in place:

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West Leave Hotel For Night Out In Miami

And there are so many more from her archives that it’s hard to compile an exhaustive list. A see-through raincoat! See-through boots! See-through exoskeletons! See-through sheaths over beige jumpsuits:

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Not to mention the time she cheeked out in these shorts that probably closer to being assless chaps.

Can Gwen beat any of that? Let’s take a look at her most Kim-like or Kim-adjacent outfits, beginning with the one in which she too showed buttock.

BuzzFoto Celebrity Sightings In New York Ð  April 02, 2016

I feel like the only reason Kim didn’t wear that is: too much color. She lives for the monochrome.

This is admittedly more playful than Kim would ever get…

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… but it’s heinous, and childlike in the creepiest way. And, much as Kim sometimes looks like she is plasticized, this is very Barbie Gwen Stefani:

Much like Kimbo Slice, Gwen did also deploy a sheath that puts the onus on her undercrackers:

She also deploys netting and/or things that should be accessories in a REALLY bizarre way.

Gwen Stefani At 'Late Show Wtih Stephen Colbert' In NYC

And this counts because, although she performed in it, she also sat in the audience and took a bunch of backstage photos on their version of the red carpet:

What is even happening, Gwen? I feel like, as she gets on into her forties, she could be tweaking her look in a very cool way that still feels in keeping with her vibe; instead she’s serving up, and instead she’s serving up stale versions of herself or other people. The question is, does Gwen’s “she should know better” beat out Kim’s “does she know better” problem? Or if that’s ascribing too much intent, which I agree is a problem, then: Do you have higher expectations of Gwen than of Kim, and did she fall short of them far enough to take down the queen?

Archives: Kim, Gwen

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(5) Jared Leto vs (13) Karolina Kurkova

Dear Jared Leto: Really?

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Seriously? Are you sure?

Suicide Squad NYC Premiere

Okay, but…

Wait, so you’re telling me that–

Gucci - Arrivals - Milan Fashion Week Fall/Winter 2017/18

But are you REALLY POSITIVE that you–

The 2016 British Fashion Awards

OKAY. Okay. Fine. You’re committed. You’re set in your ways. You are in the Gucci bag. But I think maybe you should unzip it a wee.

Karolina Kurkova is someone I forget about entirely until I have to compile her dossier every March, and so much spicy variety turns up:

2016 Fragrance Foundation Awards Presented by Hearst Magazines

This isn’t her worst by any measure, but strap in and guard against whiplash, because the left turn we’re about to take is gonna be swift.

Amfar 2016 - Arrivals

ALL the accessories there are batshit. The following is what she changed into after a semi-successful social-media-connected dress experiment at the Met Gala:

MET Costume Institute Gala 2016 - After Parties

The only reason I can POSSIBLY IMAGINE for bringing this is that she could ball it up in a bag in the limo and it wouldn’t wrinkle.

2016 Fashion Group International Night Of Stars Gala - Arrivals

Does each belt represent one regret she had about donning this in the first place?

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Reader, is this pants? And who even MAKES a bodysuit in this shape? I have a headache.

Archives: Jared, Karolina

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