Fugger: Jennifer Lopez

Fuglifer Lopez


“Ayyyy, I am so embarrassed, look at ME, the only person on this poster who looks normal and non-bumpy and exactly like herself! Okay, shh, do not tell, but the real me would not ACTUALLY shop at Macy’s, like that person does — it is ACTING, lovers!! Hee! In real life I do not like to go places that sell things for less than $200 because it is bad for the skin. And the ECONOMY. I AM SAVING THE CAPITALISM. I GIVE, GIVE, GIVE. Anyway, I just wanted to apologize to Sprawly McGee, and Sad Tank Top, and Why Does Cameron Diaz Look Like Blonde Mary Steenburgen, and Crazyface von Chortle, because it is not my FAULT that I look better on the poster. I did not DECIDE that. You should talk to the producers. And Madre Nature. And Marc, who told me that recycling all my blood through him kept it clean and made me young.

“People who should also talk to the producers: Matthew Morrison and The Quaid. Because did you know they were in this movie? No. Did I? No. Do I even know which Quaid it is? No. I have not seen this movie, lovers. I only saw my parts while I was doing them, and even then, shh, I was asleep, do not wake the Lopez. But I think maybe they did not want anyone to know they were in this movie, and oopsie, there they are, on the poster, right over the tagline. Funny story, lovers: They got the idea for it because that is what their lawyers said to my lawyers. Which is also what my lawyers said to Lamefleck that one time except he did it anyway and NOW LOOK AT HIM, you barely have to pay to see him in anything anymore! Tonto!”

Should we talk about What To Expect When You Are Expecting? Eh. Let’s talk about what to expect when you are expecting: You must see your trainer only six times a week for two hours each time — ay, I know, it will be muy terrible– and you should eat only food cooked on stoves that have been blessed by The Pope or Elton Juan. You should also expect to downgrade to five-inch heels. Hmm, que mas… Oh:

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Fug the Show: American Idol

“Hola, loverrrrrs. Every week, people beg for your amor by singing. But I do not beg, lovers. I just show you, and you love because you have no choice. Although now that Beyuckce is your nice-looking person of the month or whatever, tengo que remind you that you love me best. And so I sing. Remember my last single? The one about being on the floor? This is totally different, lovers. Because that one was about floors. This one is about being naked with my enormous man-boy ANYWHERE I WANT. It is called Sexy Time Fun Bag. I think? Or maybe it’s called something about dancing. No es importante. Just buy it. Besos!”


Fug the Show: American Idol, Six to Five

“Hola, lovers. We need to talk. I have wounds. Heart wounds.”


Fug the Show: American Idol, Seven to Six

“Hola, lovers. You may have heard that America made me angry this week, but pull up a block and listen to my truth: America is fabulosa, and I am not angry. Because when America voted off our favorite little lady pet, I got to make it about YO, and THAT is the most importante of all.”


Fug the Show: American Idol, 8 down to 7

“HOLA LOVERS. I have a treat today. It is a piece of sugar-coated sex called MY NEW VIDEO. And it stars a piece of sugar-coated sex called MY NEW BOYFRIEND. Ay, okay, he is not totally nuevo, but, you know, he is a fresh teeny  baby compared to Marc, who is eleventy thousand years dead.”


Fug the Show: American Idol, 12 to 10

“HOLA LOVERS. Time for your Vitamin J shot. You take it in your HEART.”