Fug File: Fug The Cover

Royally Played: The Duchess of Cambridge Covers British Vogue, June 2016

Well! I did not expect to see this screaming down the intertubes when I was sitting around eating frozen waffles and watching Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, but thank goodness I was home to bring it to you IMMMMMMEDIATELY, so we can discuss!  The Daily Beast has a good primer on how this all came about, and British Vogue’s long history with royal portraiture, but, in short, this shoot was done in partnership with the National Portrait Gallery, of which Kate is the patron, and I’ve decided she figured this was a good way to replace her HIDEOUS PORTRAIT there with something more flattering. (I mean, it’s OFFICIALLY in honor of British Vogue turning 100, but let’s get real. Last time we were at the NPG, her portrait was “out for cleaning.” Girlfriend has been trying to distract from that thing for the last five years.)

Anyway, per Vogue’s own piece about this, which is actually quite interesting, these shots were taken in Norfolk, and they do totally feel like Posh Country Living (“one of my favorite genres,” she said, wiping a bit of peanut butter off her sofa cushions). Apparently, there are several more snaps in the spread, which we’ll all get to see when the issue comes out on May 5th, at which point I obviously will have to put on pants and shuffle over to my international newsstand and more fully investigate. Until then, let’s eyeball these, shall we?

PS: It goes without saying, of course, that the fact that these are going to be on display in London at the National Portrait Gallery, one of my favorite museums ever, like a week after we left London makes me want to drown myself in a vat of Pimms. Although I guess I often want to dive into a vat of Pimms, so….yeah, carry on.

Also of interest, while we’re on the subject:

We saw those Diana covers while we were in London at Kensington Palace’s fashion exhibit, but the Anne ones, you guys. I NEED TO KNOW MORE. I’m real concerned about her hat. (If you click on the embedded tweet, FYI, it will take you to the tweet itself, and you can scroll though the actual covers.)

[Photos: British Vogue]


Fug the Cover: Maisie Williams on Nylon

I get this. It’s supposed to recall the zines of the 90s, especially in the sense that the photo looks as if it’s been cut and pasted — literally. The way we literally used to have to cut things out and paste them onto other things. Kids, you don’t even KNOW.


The reason I get it is because I lived through the early 90s. And while I did not personally read a lot of zines –  procuring them seemed like a lot of work, and I’ve always been in favor of having things just arrive at my home, which is why I am such good friends with my UPS guy — I did live very close to a Penny Lane, and also I read Sassy and also I went to a school where plenty of girls spent a lot of time wearing Doc Martens and talking about Earth Day, so I am very familiar with this particular retro milieu. (For example, I could expound at length about that time Sonic Youth gave Sassy a recipe for tacos using butter and canned tuna, a recipe so bizarre and memorable that I have never forgotten it, and it’s been TWENTY YEARS.) So I FEEL THIS. However, my own personal Old Lady Instinct is that, now, in 2016, this sort of intentionally home-made look only really works if the person in question looks super dynamic in her cut-and-pasted photo, and slack-jawed Maisie Williams in her underpants feels a little more blank than she ought to. I have to think she pulled this cover out of the mailbox and thought, “THAT photo? Really? Okay, then!” I get what they were going for, but I think the place they landed turned out to be more blow-up-doll-adjacent than was intended — in a way that I don’t think fits either her or the publication.

On the other hand, I’m also not the demographic for this sort of thing at all anymore, so what do I know? Well, wait. I do know one thing: regardless of the rest of this cover, that sweater is cute.


Fug and Fab the Cover: Various International Vogues

Another day, another set of international Vogue covers to eyeball.

[Covers: Vogue]


Fug the Cover: Jennifer Lopez on W Magazine

“HOLA LOVERS. Do you like my clothes? I said to them, ‘W, I need a white shirt. I need a necktie. I need to say SEXY COLONEL SANDERS. Why? Because he knows how to take care of breasts and thighs, and like his original recipe, The Lopez is forever.’”


Fug or Fab: Kate Hudson on InStyle, May 2016

I have grave doubts about what Kate’s wearing here — it is, of course, Dior — but graver doubts about the essay she penned for InStyle, which is not online at the moment. Please allow me to share some excerpts from The Desk of Kate Hudson:

“When InStyle asked me if I would be interested in penning a first-person essay for my cover story, I was incredibly excited. A bit nervous, as my personal writing style may be more suited for a publication like The Atlantic, but I have a strong feeling all the women who read InStyle will embrace the contents of this essay.”

If I may be blunt: The Atlantic, my ass.  Additionally, to believe that women who read InStyle don’t also potentially read The Atlantic is very short-sighted and condescending.

Kate then goes on to complain about the person who is writing the profile for InStyle – which, for the record, seemed to me to be perfectly in keeping with all of their profiles, and which is also considerably better written from a technical standpoint than Kate’s own essay:

“…meanwhile, the writer for InStyle who is penning the supplement accompanying my essay was asking me a few questions. I don’t mean this in anyway negative, but it was questions I get quite often, which I understand, as it seems to be what most people are interested in hearing about.”

a) This “supplement” is actually the cover story. Kate, sweetie, your essay is the supplement.

b) I find it adorable that Kate Hudson thinks The Atlantic would publish a sentence as tortured as that last one was. Let me fix that for you. How about: “I don’t mean this in a negative way, but her questions were ones I get quite often, because they concern several very popular topics.” That’s a bit flat but at least it’s not entirely garbled.

Kate then goes on to say some fairly sympathetic things about being a mother, but dude. I have some suspicions that some of the editors at InStyle may have her on the back of their dart boards right now. Which may explain some of the interior photos.


Fug or Fab the Covers: Marie Claire’s Fresh Faces Issue, May 2016

Well, not all of them are fresh, but they do at least all have faces? So the chosen theme is half-accurate.

(We covered the party feting this issue, if you want to revisit — and interestingly, in the preamble, I note that we were stockpiling magazine cover posts in the event that our Internet went kerflooey in the UK, AND IT DID. PROPHETIC.)

[Photos: Marie Claire]


Fug and Fab the Cover: Various Interational Vogues

Shall we take a twirl through recent international Vogues? (You know that’s a rhetorical question, right?)