Fug File: Fug The Cover

Fug the Cover, Jessica Brown Findlay on Tatler, September 2014

Look, I LOVE Tatler, but this is arguably meaner than what happened to poor Lady Sybil:

Jessica Brown Findlay on Tatler (1)

I mean, I want to read ALL of those articles. The Poshest Old People’s Homes? YES. Secret Oxford clubs? YES. 10 Signs I Am A Bad Houseguest? YES. (Though I can probably guess those: leave your dirty towels on the floor, shag the hostess’s husband, break someone’s priceless Waterford something or other.) They even used the word “twit,” which I love, and which we don’t use enough. BUT DUDES. YOU GUYS. COME ON. WHAT.  She looks like Ashlee Simpson in this shot, and as much as I LONG for Ashlee Simpson to guest on Downton season 7 — IMAGINE IT — she does not belong on the cover of Tatler. UNLESS THIS TOO IS TONGUE-IN-CHEEK. In which case, well played, old friends, but perhaps not very charitably.


Fug or Fab the Cover: Kristen Stewart, Elle Magazine, September 2014

There are probably ten or twenty possibly symbolic interpretations for the chains around Kristen’s neck here, but I like to think — since they are Chanel padlocks — that it symbolizes that she feels stuck with that Chanel campaign and plans to make the most of it by wearing the WEIRDEST that she can find. Let’s hope.

[Photos: Elle]


Fug or Fab the Cover: Lucy Hale on Cosmopolitan

Well, I definitely like the overall look of this cover.

Cosmopolitan September 2014: Lucy Hale

By which I mean, the blue-on-blue, and how the cover fonts all look very clean and well laid-out. That part all works for me, although I am unclear as to how this particular issue offers me better sex than all the OTHER issues that purport to have ways to blow my mind. Were they all lies? And wait, I just saw those orgasm emojis. I might recant my affections. I am too old and cranky to speak in pictures. The potential death of the written word is going to stress me out now. If there were any kids on my lawn right now, I would order them off of it.

ANYWAY: For a sex issue, Lucy Hale’s bedhead seems appropriate — she actually does look kind of like she just romped in a limo. Possibly a time-traveling one that deposted her here from the set of Cocktail, though, because that dress is really pretty atrocious. It looks like it cost five dollars, which gives it an unfriendly aura of being a cheap sex issue. Her face, though, is arresting and lovely, and it’s to her credit that I keep looking at that instead of trying to figure out what that giant open wound of a furbelow is doing on her right shoulder.

What do you make of it all?

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[Photo: Cosmopolitan]


Fug or Fab the Covers: Kendall Jenner on Teen Vogue

Sometime over the last few months, I’ve started to feel for Kendall Jenner.  She gets a lot of flack for being A Spawn of Kris, but she’s booked a ton of proper, real runway shows as a model and it’s not one of those instances where you’re watching and it’s like, “model, model, model, SHORT PERSON CLOMPING AROUND WHO IS THAT FOOL OH IT’S A CELEBRITY, model, model, model.” I have to give her credit for going out there and working and (seemingly) doing her job properly. However, one cannot argue that she would have gotten two covers of Teen Vogue if she were just some mid-tier eighteen year old model, so sometimes being A Spawn of Kris comes in handy.  THAT SAID, one of these covers is great. Spoiler: I think it’s this one:

The Pharrell Hat WILL NOT DIE but there’s something about this cover that feels pleasantly 90s in a way that makes me all nostalgic for classic Seventeen and my youth. I think it’s striking, and she looks appropriately modelesque. I’d even argue that she’s pulling off the hat.

The other cover is less successful:

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Fug and Fab the Covers: A Variety of International Vogues

Let’s pop down to the international newsstand and see what everyone else is getting in her mailbox this month.

[Covers: Vogue]


Fug/Fab the Cover Face-Off: Katie Holmes on Glamour vs Zoe Saldana on Marie Claire

We wrote about this Katie Holmes cover for Vanity Fair a couple weeks ago, as it compared to Brooke Shields’ iconic Calvin Klein ads. But somehow I didn’t notice it was sharing newsstand space with a similar theme. So now let’s throw THOSE into the Thunderdome, shall we?

Katie Holmes on Glamour, August 2014

I think Katie’s face looks great, and the alluring pose works on her — she’s good with a twinkle of naughty. But as we noted for Vanity Fair, I believe, my biggest problem is that I don’t actually like these jeans. I’m not a fan of the Trouser Jean, in general, but I’m distracted by the pockets flapping open at me, like they have something loud to say, and … let’s just say this: This one is the JEANS issue, not the DENIM issue, so you’d think they’d get the jeans part right; instead, her top half to me looks much more arresting than the bottom.

Also, and I know this is dumb, that ampersand above Angelina Jolie’s name looks too much like a treble clef. There, I said it.

Zoe stars on Marie Claire’s DENIM issue, which I am capsifying because boy, did they:

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