Fug File: Fug The Cover

Fug the Cover: Zooey Deschanel on the August 2014 InStyle

Note to InStyle: The cover of your magazine should not look like the “before” photo for your “BRING YOUR HAIR BACK TO LIFE” story.

And while we’re here, your cover SUBJECT should not look like you vertically stretched her photo to make it fit, and/or moved her eyes closer together, and/or gave her a totally new nose, and/or gave her a child’s hands. In short, Zooey Deschanel should look like Zooey Deschanel, and not a Zooey Deschanel doll that failed quality control or melted in the car.

Also, I think that scarf might need to mind its own business, and I am making my best DOUBTFUL face about there being 55 new ways to wear jeans. I assume they mean 55 different outfits for them, but it SOUNDS like they’re saying they’re going to teach us tricks like how to tie them around our necks or wear them like sweaters or turn them into hats.

But, no. All that is tangential to the rest of this mess. Her right hand right now is going to show up in my nightmares. It just does not look like it belongs to her. Or that the fingers and palm came from different people, or… I think I am going to go write a horror movie real quick.


Fug or Fab the Covers: Melissa McCarthy Edition

Boy, did the Melissa McCarthy PR machine rev up and score her some good newsstand real estate, and in a wide swath: Rolling Stone, for the ostensible Edgy reader; Redbook, for the less edgy reader; and People, for everyone in between. Hopefully this will distract the world at large from Tammy, which looks awful and was very poorly reviewed (to wit, from Time: “[It] could be an artifact from some alternate universe: the creatures there resemble Earthlings but have an entirely different and debased idea of what’s funny”). I think I’m ready for the Melissa McCarthy Reminds Everyone She Is A Good Actress And Not Just A Comedic Buffoon movie onslaught, in part because that might then yield a better comedy for her down the road. Absence making the heart grow fonder, and all.


Well Played Cover: Solange on Lucky

This particular issue of Lucky has been promoted as addressing Whatever The Hell Happened in the Elevator With Solange and Jay-Z, but basically what she says is, “I already said what I wanted to say in the statement we made about this earlier, but I get why you’re asking.” Which, honestly, is what I would have said, too. I would not want to re-open that whole thing by announcing that actually she and Jay just have a long-term standing slap-bet, or that they are in a feud stretching through space and time dating back to an ancient Viking curse or whatever the unknowable truth may be. But the reason that I like this cover — and I do — is that she looks VERY Solange. She’s wearing deeply pleated pants and a sweatshirt with a flipbook stapled to it, and she still looks cool. It’s like a miracle, and I suspect it cannot be taught. Also: there’s coffee. I’ll do anything for a cup of coffee.

[Cover: Lucky Magazine]


Well Played Covers: Downton Abbey on the Cover of Harper’s Bazaar UK

Real talk: I am very excited about the return of Downton Abbey, when it finally comes, and even though I know it ushers in a long period of those of us in the United States logging onto Twitter on Sunday morning and then screaming when we realize that our friends in the UK are about to tweet something like, “I can’t believe Lady Edith just shoved Thomas down that well!!!” or some such. I think EVERYONE is always looking forward to the return, however, hence these covers of UK Harper’s Bazaar. This is the subscriber cover:

Harpers-Bazaar-Downton-Abbey (1)

The delightful Fug National who brought these covers to my attention wished that everyone’s bosom was more amply supported, but for some reason, that doesn’t really bother me personally — it feels kind of period appropriate? Despite the fact that Rose’s sheer is not period appropriate and that Downton itself is no longer in the period that these frocks are kind of referencing. Most of all, I guess I just love how SAUCY Edith looks.

The newsstand cover gave Lady Mary all the real estate:

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Mostly Well Played Covers: Victoria Beckham on British Vogue

Our girl Posh may NEVER get a solo American Vogue cover — I have to think she looked at the Kim and Kanye cover, then went outside under the new moon and poured fresh blood and the hair of a rabid dog into an empty wig box full of photos of Anna Wintour’s bob and then placed a curse on her circulation numbers — but damned if she didn’t get TWO from British Vogue.┬áLet’s look at them!

Number Uno:

That dog is wholly unmoved by this photoshoot. Maybe he just isn’t into Posh’s neckerchief? I don’t dislike this cover, but I wish I could see her full face. AND MY WISH HAS BEEN GRANTED. Behold:

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Fugs and Fabs: A Variety of Elle Magazines

Many of the June/July international covers were shots from the June US Angelina cover (smart move there by Elle), but NOT ALL. Additionally, I didn’t realize until I started keeping track, but OMG Giselle gets a lot of international magazine covers. Are people still that into Gisele?

[Covers: Elle]