Fug File: Fug The Cover

Fug/Fab the Cover Face-Off: Katie Holmes on Glamour vs Zoe Saldana on Marie Claire

We wrote about this Katie Holmes cover for Vanity Fair a couple weeks ago, as it compared to Brooke Shields’ iconic Calvin Klein ads. But somehow I didn’t notice it was sharing newsstand space with a similar theme. So now let’s throw THOSE into the Thunderdome, shall we?

Katie Holmes on Glamour, August 2014

I think Katie’s face looks great, and the alluring pose works on her — she’s good with a twinkle of naughty. But as we noted for Vanity Fair, I believe, my biggest problem is that I don’t actually like these jeans. I’m not a fan of the Trouser Jean, in general, but I’m distracted by the pockets flapping open at me, like they have something loud to say, and … let’s just say this: This one is the JEANS issue, not the DENIM issue, so you’d think they’d get the jeans part right; instead, her top half to me looks much more arresting than the bottom.

Also, and I know this is dumb, that ampersand above Angelina Jolie’s name looks too much like a treble clef. There, I said it.

Zoe stars on Marie Claire’s DENIM issue, which I am capsifying because boy, did they:

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Fugs or Fabs: Allure’s Summer Covers

I always forget that Allure is a primarily beauty-focused magazine until I actually look at its covers. (Full confession: I actually always really like¬†Allure. It’s always got a good tidbit about, like, the best way to write a thank note and also something interesting about volumizers, both of which are topics in which I have great interest). Some of these covers are more ALLURING than others, though. SEE WHAT I DID THERE? No one’s ever made that crack before.


Well Played, Blake Lively on Vogue

I know this will be controversial, but I have to give a hand to a girl who, in an interview with¬†Vogue, refers to her outfit something that looks as if “Sling Blade and Pocahontas had a baby.” That’s legitimately funny. (Also legitimately funny, however, is Entertainment Weekly‘s take on WTF is happening with Preserve, Blake’s GOOP.) I also think this cover look and the inside spread are extremely well-suited to Blake’s Classic American Blonde Good Looks, and, frankly, I am delighted they didn’t try anything Bizarrely Directional on her. Remember that time everyone who was on the cover looked like she’d just been electrocuted?

[Photos: Vogue]


Well Played Cover: Kristen Wiig on Elle, August 2014

I wasn’t sold on this at first — I think it’s because I prefer her as a brunette, maybe? — but I’ve come around and now I think she looks relaxed and cool in a way she rarely does on the red carpet.

[Photos: Elle]


Fug the Cover: Zooey Deschanel on the August 2014 InStyle

Note to InStyle: The cover of your magazine should not look like the “before” photo for your “BRING YOUR HAIR BACK TO LIFE” story.

And while we’re here, your cover SUBJECT should not look like you vertically stretched her photo to make it fit, and/or moved her eyes closer together, and/or gave her a totally new nose, and/or gave her a child’s hands. In short, Zooey Deschanel should look like Zooey Deschanel, and not a Zooey Deschanel doll that failed quality control or melted in the car.

Also, I think that scarf might need to mind its own business, and I am making my best DOUBTFUL face about there being 55 new ways to wear jeans. I assume they mean 55 different outfits for them, but it SOUNDS like they’re saying they’re going to teach us tricks like how to tie them around our necks or wear them like sweaters or turn them into hats.

But, no. All that is tangential to the rest of this mess. Her right hand right now is going to show up in my nightmares. It just does not look like it belongs to her. Or that the fingers and palm came from different people, or… I think I am going to go write a horror movie real quick.


Fug or Fab the Covers: Melissa McCarthy Edition

Boy, did the Melissa McCarthy PR machine rev up and score her some good newsstand real estate, and in a wide swath: Rolling Stone, for the ostensible Edgy reader; Redbook, for the less edgy reader; and People, for everyone in between. Hopefully this will distract the world at large from Tammy, which looks awful and was very poorly reviewed (to wit, from Time: “[It] could be an artifact from some alternate universe: the creatures there resemble Earthlings but have an entirely different and debased idea of what’s funny”). I think I’m ready for the Melissa McCarthy Reminds Everyone She Is A Good Actress And Not Just A Comedic Buffoon movie onslaught, in part because that might then yield a better comedy for her down the road. Absence making the heart grow fonder, and all.