I kind of love that InStyle took the girl on fire and effectively put her on ice.
Fug File: Fug The Cover
And here, at last, we have our final Vogue cover of 2013.
I must admit that I love it, and not only because I — like so many other students — had a poster of Sir Frederic Leighton’s Flaming June on my wall in college, and this is clearly inspired by that painting, which I love. But that’s part of it. It is so refreshing to see a magazine cover that isn’t just Celebrity In Gown, but is actually making a reference to something. Sure, her makeup isn’t something she’d wear out, but for once that’s actually beside the point. As we’ve often discussed, Chastain often looks not-quite-right on the red carpet, but she’s a wonderful actor, and it’s brilliant of Vogue to give her a part to play on the cover. I actually want to buy this issue and put it on my coffee table; I think it is gorgeous.
I have thoughts. So many thoughts. So many, many thoughts:
1) I am unfamiliar with Jamie Dornan but he’s hot, and because I think this movie is going to be a total shitshow disaster, I feel bad for him. By the time this thing comes out, people are going to be well over 50 Shades and onto something new, because I feel like 50 Shades is the kind of thing that burns brightly and then burns OUT, because the reasons it’s popular have nothing to do with actual quality and more to do with some weird zeitgeist thing that, for some reason, made everyone decide they really needed a little light bondage in their lives, ideally from a love interest who made the heroine sign a 7-page contract about their sex life. (I’m not making that up; I can’t believe I need to clarify this, but paperwork is rarely sexy, people.) He also already looks like he regrets this. Very, “Wait, you want me to do WHAT with this tie? Shit, I thought Charlie Hunnam was just kidding.” GET OUT NOW, DUDE.
2) Please don’t get me started on a book that involves an interior monologue which says things like, “My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.” I literally have second-hand embarrassment for the English language just reading that.
3) I love Dakota Johnson. She was so charming and good in the underrated Ben & Kate and I am pretty sure she just signed up for the Exit to Eden of our generation.
4) The good news is, this cover shot makes her look like a greasy Alexis Bledel, so maybe she can just DISAVOW entirely. Forever. Although Alexis Bledel might not appreciate that much.
I have to think Lea Michele would’ve wished for something better than this:
It’s her big Life After Cory interview, and she looks, to be blunt, totally freaky. It’s like she’s wearing ten extremely expensive chastity chains– placed right next to a red-tinged cover line about SEXUAL AWAKENING — and then a demi-trench whose belt is flapping around and confusing things. Her hair looks greasy and stiff, like she styled with butter, the eyeliner is as if she’s been on a massive bender and hasn’t removed last Friday’s makeup yet, she looks aggressive and kind of angry rather than sultry and alluring, and worst yet, NONE of this flatters her face at ALL. She is SO MUCH cuter than this. Rather than reassuring me she’s doing well and finally revitalized after that hellacious loss, it makes me nervous that she’s about to go crackballs. NOBODY WANTS CRACKBALLS.
This cannot have gone according to plan.
I am sure the plan was, “Let’s put Kerry Washington on the cover because America is obsessed with her right now,” and not, “Let’s put Kerry Washington on the cover and make her look like she’s suffering through menstrual cramps and an extreme cobweb attack while someone blows a wind cannon at her that’s making it impossible for her to open her eyes.” Like, I am fairly sure that even on the set, while making this pose, Kerry Washington looked more like Kerry Washington than she does right here on the cover. That right there is crazyface. Olivia Pope would take one look at this cover and then accept Kerry Washington as a client, and set about ruining the lives of the slanderous hobos who made this happen. Also, does ANYTHING about this make you feel festive? Do you at ALL want to dig into holiday shopping, drink a hot cocoa spiked with something devilish, scream the incomparably catchy and badmazing “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” in your car while imitating all the overwrought performances of those ill-conceived lyrics (I don’t know if “the only water flowing is A BITTER STING OF TEARS” or “the Christmas bells that ring there are the CLANGING CHIMES OF DOOM” is my favorite, but let me tell you, by the time Bono comes in all lecturey with “TONIGHT THANK GOD IT’S THEM INSTEAD OF YOU,” I am in FULL performance mode)? Does it make you want to make stuffing and a turkey and eat pie, and watch football and wear cute coats and things? No. It MIGHT make you want to wear a scarf, but only because you are pretty sure you would wear it better than she has been told to wear this one. That is a perfunctory scarf. That scarf says, “Shit, we totally dressed her for spring — quick, throw a scarf on her neck. INSTANT WINTER.”
And for what it’s worth, the parenthetical on the cover line is annoying me, too. “Perfect, Glowy Skin” did not need “all winter long” to be in parenthesis. It reads like a disclaimer: “Yeah, we can’t actually promise you good skin beyond, say, February, but listen, we’re here for you until then.”
In sum: Unlawful Crazyface mixed with Unseasonal Tomfoolery plus Unnecessary Parentheses = I am wearing three pairs of crankypants.