Fug File: Fug The Cover

Fug the Cover: Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan on Glamour March 2015

All jokes and rumors aside, I don’t necessarily get the vibe that these two dislike each other. I DO get the vibe that they are like old war buddies who can’t see each other without having flashbacks to grisly things they never want to experience again. (The movie also apparently required reshoots of many of these sex scenes that probably were awkward enough to do the first go-round.) Which, I mean, it’s not like the source material was a mystery when they both signed on for the project, but I also sympathize, because it happens all the time that something you think will be no big deal turns out to be HORRIBLE.

Anyway, as such, the chemistry in photos is not merely absent, but in fact hanging out with Punxsutawney Phil and giving thanks for six more weeks of winter. His face in EVERY PHOTO bespeaks the inner anguish of the damned.

[Photos: Glamour]


Fug the Cover: The Vanity Fair Hollywood Issue

Let’s start with the non-diversity-related discussion about this one, because it’s tough to begin there and then veer into all the shallow WTFery that is also at play here.

vanity fair hollywood issue 2015

This is hideous and smarmy. Why is Amy Adams being forced to clamber over Channing Tatum like the back of the couch? Why is Reese Witherspoon clawing at the hand he’s laid on her pelvic bone? (Well, that one might speak for itself.) It seriously looks like a poster for a horrible straight-to-On-Demand rom-com about a mid-level gangster with a snooty high-society wife and a verboten flirtation with the fiery, unpredictable girl he grew up with in Jersey, who is the rival mob king’s mistress. It will be called Moll Rats, until test audiences find that unappealingly punny, at which point the studio will consider Gang Bang before quickly noticing the marketing problem and finally settling on something meaningless and vague like The Trouble With You. No one will hear of it except for a few random subway posters, and then it’ll appear on in-flight entertainment systems for six months. Reese Witherspoon will have it deleted from her Wikipedia page. Ryan Philippe will put it back on.

Now, let’s look inside:

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Fug and Fab the Covers: Recent International Vogues

Some of these are — spoiler — really great.

[Photos: A Variety of Vogues]


Fug or Fab The Cover: Dakota Johnson on February Vogue

I would like this better, I think, if Dakota didn’t look so, so sad:


This also seems awfully… bare-armed, maybe, for February? On the other hand, perhaps we should all give thanks that, although she is in grey, they resisted multiple shades thereof. I just feel like she looks like she’s thinking, “I cannot believe I’m on the cover of Vogue for this particular movie. PLEASE STILL LIKE ME AFTER YOU SEE IT.” Don’t worry, Dakota. Ben & Kate bought you tons of goodwill from me. We’re still square.

[Photo: Vogue]


Fugger or Fabber Cover: The Other Elle Cover With Lena Dunham (Feb 2015)

Yesterday, we discussed the Lena Dunham Elle cover, and how the punk look worked surprisingly well but the bizarre hand-positioning was terrible.

Well. I was in line at Target shortly thereafter and saw this version on the newsstand:

Lena Dunham: Elle Magazine Feb 2015 cover

I love her head. It works swimmingly – JUST the right touch of Duran Duran. The pose makes her look like she’s cold, but overall I think this fixes my other issues — she doesn’t look like a coy toddler with an oral fixation, and it’s not quite so close-up, as if they’re afraid to show any of the rest of her. The crossed-arms “Brr where is my coat” thing isn’t a terribly confident alternative, but overall this solves more problems than it creates for me, so I’ll take it.

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Fug or Fab the Cover: Lena Dunham on Elle Magazine, February 2015

The styling is good, but I call this pose I Have A Zit And So I’m Just Going To Pretend To Bite My Thumbnail And It’ll Look Totally Natural and No One Will Ever Notice. And instead it looks awkward – the magazine equivalent of hiding a pregnancy by making an actress stand in front of an aggressive fern.

[Photos: Elle]