Fug File: Fug The Cover

Fug or Fine the Cover: Amy Schumer on Glamour, August 2015

I really want to like this cover, because it’s the first one (at least that I can recall) which has presented Amy Schumer as a person rather than as a caricature (for example, when she was mugging naked and covered with tiny booze bottles on EW). And it’s about time.

Amy Schumer, Glamour cover, August 2015

But it makes me laugh that a cover line screams, “It’s All About That Face,” right next to a photo in which Amy Schumer’s own face has been made to look like Nicole Kidman: Post-Cruise Frozen Edition. And given that Amy Schumer is someone who has made bank off of cracking wise about whether she’s hot enough to be famous, you’d best tread REALLY CAREFULLY with the Photoshop, because you want her to look a hundred percent like her own gorgeous self and not like you’re trying to fix anything. Because Amy Schumer is totally good-looking enough to be famous, and so let’s honor that and not airbrush it into generic severity. Having said that… I mean, she’s still in there. It’s not unrecognizable. But it isn’t great.

She is also wearing a dress that looks like someone tried to make a nightgown out of hospital scrubs — sigh — and then, because I’m That Person, I really am sincerely peevish about the cover quote not pluralizing “voice” into “voices” so that it matches the subject, because I don’t think the intent was to tell women to use their collective voice but rather their individual ones. I mean, plenty of people use colloquial grammar when speaking, and Amy can’t control what quotes are pulled by the magazine, but the editors can. LE SIGH. I know that’s picky. But I can’t help who I am, and so while we’re here, I would also have stuck an Oxford comma after “for day” in the fashion line about sequins and denim and stuff. Screw your style manuals! OXFORD COMMAS FOREVER.

But mostly I just wish Amy had gotten to have more glam fun, without looking so much like a post-Botox Nicole. When you want to trumpet your cover subject’s awesomeness, don’t simultaneously undercut it.

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Fugs and Fabs: A Variety of International Vogues

As ever, the cover of International Vogue Whatever is generally more eye-catching than American Vogue. Sorry, Anna: YOU KNOW IT’S TRUE. (I’m sure you have your reasons. I am sure covers like these don’t sell in the United States. I’m sure you and your bob feel very constricted by this. But you must admit it is fact.)


Fug or Fab the Cover: The Entertainment Weekly X-Files Cover



Is it wrong that my first reaction is, “God, Mulder, couldn’t you be bothered to shave for us?!” And then I thought about it: Mulder is, more than likely, spending his time eating sunflower seeds, absentmindedly tossing pencils at the ceiling (one is going to fall out and pierce the tender skin at the top of his ear, one of these days), and watching porn. NO, he could not be bothered to shave. And Scully looks mildly annoyed by it. This is truly business as usual.

PS: THE SMOKING MAN IS BACK? But he got BLOWN UP in the finale! A missile went through HIS FACE. WE SAW HIS SKULL.

PPS: What IS the story with Scully’s hair? That IS most important! FINALLY, EW, YOU TRULY UNDERSTAND ME.


Fug the Covers: Kate Hudson and Kerry Washington on Glamour UK, July 2015

The UK edition of Glamour must not be able to see through its own crack haze. Case in point: This is supposedly Kate Hudson.

Kate Hudson: Glamour UK, July 2015

And, yes, elements of Kate Hudson still exist there,but this honestly looks more like they took a photo of Carrie Underwood — or even some random blonde from Central Casting — and then photoshopped Kate’s individual features onto it. That is not her face shape. It’s so strange. The rest of it is okay; I mean, I can at least imagine Kate Hudson wearing that outfit while curling up on a floor pillow and discussing with Goldie Hawn the intricacies of her most recent crane pose. It seems true to her. But the head… I don’t know. The rest is like a Kate Hudson lookalike that you hire to sing “Tiny Dancer” to your friend who looks just like a young Tony Danza (Phoebe Buffay would get that joke), or to work your How To Lose A Guy In Ten Minutes speed-dating party.

Kerry Washington is having the opposite problem, in that she might WISH this did not look like her, but it does:

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Fug or Fab the Cover: Nicki Minaj on Cosmopolitan, July 2015

We’ve got some other foreign Cosmo covers in here, too, but really this is all about La Minaj. I can’t really remember what her deal is now; she seemed to be trying to act for a while, and she stopped dressing like a clearance aisle in Toys R Us, but I’ve lost track of what the replacement messaging is. Maybe it’s just “confident.” I can get with that.

[Photos: Cosmo]


Fug or Fab the Cover: Cara Delevingne on Vogue, July 2015

Did anyone have Cara in the pool? It occurs to me that casting her in your movie DOES seem like a stroke of marketing genius if you’re interested in getting that movie covered by Vogue.

[Photos: Vogue]