Fug File: Fug The Cover

Fug the Cover: Gwyneth Paltrow on Marie Claire UK, April 2015

The barrage of hard-to-read cover text bothers me a lot here.

Gwyneth Paltrow on Marie Claire UK April 2015

But not as much as the fact that the photographer seems to have caught Gwynnie mid-squat.


Well Played Cover: Taylor Swift and Karlie Kloss on Vogue

Many of you predicted this, and to you I say: WELL DONE:


Which actually is also what I say to Vogue. This is charming, and fun, and they both look great, and while I’ve seen a variety of jokes circulating the internet joking that it’s also the cover of a reboot of Single White Female, and I laughed at them, I also think it’s groovy that Vogue is (at least ostensibly) celebrating girlfriends this month. A good friend is invaluable and I suspect these two have a lot in common (tallness, people taking cell phone pictures of them when they’re just trying to buy kombucha, etc).  Additionally, I guess they share a great hairstylist and a good no-makeup makeup look. Which actually is a great bonding commonality also.


Fug the Cover: Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan on Glamour March 2015

All jokes and rumors aside, I don’t necessarily get the vibe that these two dislike each other. I DO get the vibe that they are like old war buddies who can’t see each other without having flashbacks to grisly things they never want to experience again. (The movie also apparently required reshoots of many of these sex scenes that probably were awkward enough to do the first go-round.) Which, I mean, it’s not like the source material was a mystery when they both signed on for the project, but I also sympathize, because it happens all the time that something you think will be no big deal turns out to be HORRIBLE.

Anyway, as such, the chemistry in photos is not merely absent, but in fact hanging out with Punxsutawney Phil and giving thanks for six more weeks of winter. His face in EVERY PHOTO bespeaks the inner anguish of the damned.

[Photos: Glamour]


Fug the Cover: The Vanity Fair Hollywood Issue

Let’s start with the non-diversity-related discussion about this one, because it’s tough to begin there and then veer into all the shallow WTFery that is also at play here.

vanity fair hollywood issue 2015

This is hideous and smarmy. Why is Amy Adams being forced to clamber over Channing Tatum like the back of the couch? Why is Reese Witherspoon clawing at the hand he’s laid on her pelvic bone? (Well, that one might speak for itself.) It seriously looks like a poster for a horrible straight-to-On-Demand rom-com about a mid-level gangster with a snooty high-society wife and a verboten flirtation with the fiery, unpredictable girl he grew up with in Jersey, who is the rival mob king’s mistress. It will be called Moll Rats, until test audiences find that unappealingly punny, at which point the studio will consider Gang Bang before quickly noticing the marketing problem and finally settling on something meaningless and vague like The Trouble With You. No one will hear of it except for a few random subway posters, and then it’ll appear on in-flight entertainment systems for six months. Reese Witherspoon will have it deleted from her Wikipedia page. Ryan Philippe will put it back on.

Now, let’s look inside:

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Fug and Fab the Covers: Recent International Vogues

Some of these are — spoiler — really great.

[Photos: A Variety of Vogues]


Fug or Fab The Cover: Dakota Johnson on February Vogue

I would like this better, I think, if Dakota didn’t look so, so sad:


This also seems awfully… bare-armed, maybe, for February? On the other hand, perhaps we should all give thanks that, although she is in grey, they resisted multiple shades thereof. I just feel like she looks like she’s thinking, “I cannot believe I’m on the cover of Vogue for this particular movie. PLEASE STILL LIKE ME AFTER YOU SEE IT.” Don’t worry, Dakota. Ben & Kate bought you tons of goodwill from me. We’re still square.

[Photo: Vogue]