Fug File: Fug The Cover

Fug the Cover: Shailene Woodley on the Cover of Marie Claire

What. Is. Happening.

I mean…I guess…it’s eye-catching? You will NOT forget this cover. You may never forget this cover. You might wake up screaming, this cover burned on the inside of your eyelids. This cover might be the last thing you see before you die, quite frankly.

It’s just dumb. I get that she’s sort of sporty in Divergent, kind of, and this is a kind of sporty look, sort of,  in the way that fashion thinks sporty = neoprene and zippers? Not to mention the fact that Elle already put her in a swimsuit, and more successfully, AND that if someone removed the cover copy from this photo, you’d think it was going to be the cover of Self. And that there is literally no scenario in the entire history of human existence that a woman would wear this other than a magazine cover. And I’ve seen plenty of wacked out cover looks in my life and most of them, you could concoct a story about. “Well, you’d wear that when the aliens come to make them believe you’re Earth’s queen,” or “obviously that’s what you wear when you crack your head and wake up to believe that you’re a FABULOUS chicken.” This? Nope. I can’t.

[Cover: Marie Claire/Jan Welters]


Fug or Fab the Cover/Spread: Emma Watson On Elle, April 2014

I feel like there is a LOT of text on this cover, some of which is making my eyes cross. But if you’re going to slap the words “Smooth, Radiant Skin” up there so prominently, Emma Watson’s face is a damn good one to be right next to it, even if she IS in a denim jumpsuit.

[Photos: Elle/Carter Smith]


Fug or Fine the Covers: Khloe Kardashian and Ashley Benson on Cosmopolitan

Of course there are emojis on the cover of Cosmo. OF COURSE.

It makes sense — after all, Cosmo feels increasingly like it’s assuming the other demographics will still buy it no matter what, and so it’s targeting high-school girls, in the hopes of being the mag they’ll bring home in secret, and hide under their beds, because they want all the saucy sex and boy stuff that’s in there. To that end, we’ve got an actress on the cover who’s on a teen soap on ABC Family, and she’s in a sweater that COULD be, theoretically, the thing her preppy and potentially illicitly college-age boyfriend wore to a regatta and then she swiped it and took a selfie of herself in it and texted it to him (which totally ended up in the Internet, because texting saucy selfies to boys who might still be dipshits IS A BAD IDEA, LADIES). Ahem. All that said, while I think her right thigh angle is crazy-looking when we can’t see enough of the rest of her form, Ashley herself looks great — her face and hair really work.  The saucy-prepster thing is well-matched to the Sex Olympics theme, although I wish they hadn’t put “15 Easy Ways To Score An Extra $2,000″ right underneath that because people might get the wrong ideas.

Have your feelings here:

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Next up is Khloe Kardashin on this month’s issue:

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Fug The Cover: Shailene Woodley on Teen Vogue

I’d like this, if she didn’t look so sad:

And since she’s promoting Divergent and not The Fault In Our Stars — AKA Why Don’t You Just Go Ahead And Ugly Cry? — her Sad Face isn’t even thematic! I mean, there is no doubt that Shailene is beautiful and this is a lovely shot of her, and she has a lot of emotion in her face here, all of which is great, but does this really scream, “EPIC PROM” to you? I think they accidentally landed on “EPIC TRAGEDY.”  I can only assume they were aiming for dreamy, but even if that’s the case, then the “Hollywood Rebel” cover line doesn’t match what they thought her expression said, EITHER. Is she dreamy? Is she rebellious? Is she going to prom or to hell? In short: I HAVE CONFUSION. Thanks for your devotion to the mighty bracelet, though, Shailene. None of this is your fault.

[Photo: Teen Vogue]


Fug or Fab the Cover: Lena Dunham on Glamour

Last month, she was on Vogue, this month she’s on Glamour. Not too shabby, Lena Dunham:

I’m on record as liking the Vogue cover a lot, but I’m not quite as enamored of this one. It’s not her fault; I actually think her FACE looks great, if a wee bit dead-eyed. But I’m rarely a fan of the “oh god, you guys, I have such a headache” posing and OMG Glamour, we’re ALL over talking about her body so NO NEED TO PUT THAT ON THE COVER right OVER said body. Additionally, somewhere in a hidden room of a gelato warehouse, Tyra Banks just woke up in a cold sweat. She’s felt the presence of neckless cover shot in the universe and her chi is rattled.

How do you like it?


Fug and Fab The Cover: Various Recent International Vogues

I don’t know about you, but I always find the covers of foreign fashion magazines totally fascinating. Here in the United States (probably this generalization can be extended to the UK as well), most of our fashion mags have celebrity covers, and it’s rare to see a proper model, unless she’s a modelebrity, like Giselle. And yet so many of these covers are alluring, I think, because we’re not bringing a preconceived notion to the image, the way you always do with a celeb. I understand that here in the US, celeb covers sell the way that model covers don’t, and staying in business is the name of the game. What can you do? Well, ogle these, for a start. WARNING: The final slide does contain a fully naked bare breast, in case you’re at work. Just one, though. If it matters.