Fug File: Fug The Cover

Fug the Cover: Ariana Grande on Marie Claire, October 2014


The good news is, Marie Claire found a way for Ariana Grande not to look exactly the same as she always does.

Ariana Grande on Marie Claire, October 2014

The bad news is, it’s only because they made her look like an cockeyed Ariana Grande impersonator — still blank, just off — who does children’s birthday parties and, weirdly, a couple bachelor ‘dos.

This photo on the inside is much better:

sigh

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Fug the Cover: Emmy Rossum on Cosmopolitan, October 2014


This feels more like Maxim to me.

Emmy Rossum on Cosmopolitan magazine, October 2014 cover

Granted, she’s probably wearing too much fabric for Maxim. But unless Golf takes a lad-mag turn, I can’t imagine where else BUT Maxim you’d actually expect to see a pose I can only describe as, “Hey there, Big Boy, am I gripping your driver or your iron?” Especially when you couple it with an embarrassingly reductive cover line that I’m either sad she uttered, or was taken weirdly out of context. It certainly is a strange choice for Cosmopolitan. Maybe incorporating a putter is “your new secret weapon for hotter sex,” or there’s an insane bedroom maneuver called The Bunker Pitch, or Hooking It Out Of The Deep Rough, or perhaps your five-second stress buster is pretending to take a club to someone’s car. The trouble is, I’m probably not going to open the magazine to find out, because it’s SO discordant that unless the rest of the Internet tells me that Pantomime Squat Golf is going to burn a thousand calories in ten minutes, I’m not terribly compelled.

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Fug the Cover: Roger Federer on Town & Country, October 2014


I think we can all agree this cover is the best-worst thing that’s ever happened. Someone wrote — it might have been Tennis magazine — that it looks like it was shot by Wes Anderson, and that’s so apt that I wish I had thought of it first. But honestly, my most important question is: Did they just Photoshop his head onto a model’s body, or did they ACTUALLY sincerely make Roger Federer kick up a jaunty leg while dressed as the villain in a tennis musical?

[Photos: Town & Country]

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Fug the Cover, Jessica Brown Findlay on Tatler, September 2014


Look, I LOVE Tatler, but this is arguably meaner than what happened to poor Lady Sybil:

Jessica Brown Findlay on Tatler (1)

I mean, I want to read ALL of those articles. The Poshest Old People’s Homes? YES. Secret Oxford clubs? YES. 10 Signs I Am A Bad Houseguest? YES. (Though I can probably guess those: leave your dirty towels on the floor, shag the hostess’s husband, break someone’s priceless Waterford something or other.) They even used the word “twit,” which I love, and which we don’t use enough. BUT DUDES. YOU GUYS. COME ON. WHAT.  She looks like Ashlee Simpson in this shot, and as much as I LONG for Ashlee Simpson to guest on Downton season 7 — IMAGINE IT — she does not belong on the cover of Tatler. UNLESS THIS TOO IS TONGUE-IN-CHEEK. In which case, well played, old friends, but perhaps not very charitably.

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Fug or Fab the Cover: Kristen Stewart, Elle Magazine, September 2014


There are probably ten or twenty possibly symbolic interpretations for the chains around Kristen’s neck here, but I like to think — since they are Chanel padlocks — that it symbolizes that she feels stuck with that Chanel campaign and plans to make the most of it by wearing the WEIRDEST that she can find. Let’s hope.

[Photos: Elle]

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Fug or Fab the Cover: Lucy Hale on Cosmopolitan


Well, I definitely like the overall look of this cover.

Cosmopolitan September 2014: Lucy Hale

By which I mean, the blue-on-blue, and how the cover fonts all look very clean and well laid-out. That part all works for me, although I am unclear as to how this particular issue offers me better sex than all the OTHER issues that purport to have ways to blow my mind. Were they all lies? And wait, I just saw those orgasm emojis. I might recant my affections. I am too old and cranky to speak in pictures. The potential death of the written word is going to stress me out now. If there were any kids on my lawn right now, I would order them off of it.

ANYWAY: For a sex issue, Lucy Hale’s bedhead seems appropriate — she actually does look kind of like she just romped in a limo. Possibly a time-traveling one that deposted her here from the set of Cocktail, though, because that dress is really pretty atrocious. It looks like it cost five dollars, which gives it an unfriendly aura of being a cheap sex issue. Her face, though, is arresting and lovely, and it’s to her credit that I keep looking at that instead of trying to figure out what that giant open wound of a furbelow is doing on her right shoulder.

What do you make of it all?

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[Photo: Cosmopolitan]

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