Fug File: Fug The Cover

Fug the Cover: Oprah Winfrey on O Magazine

I don’t subscribe to O, but it randomly shows up at my house anyway — as do TV Guide and Seventeen, among others. So please imagine the look on my face when this arrived through my mail slot:

oprah winfrey o magazine 2015

Granted, there was an address label covering the bit at the bottom which explains there is an “Oprah Through The Ages” story, so I didn’t know until right now that it had an (alleged) hook. However, even knowing there is a thin thread of rational thought doesn’t REALLY make this work, because IT IS TOO HILARIOUS. If that is even her body, I feel like this has to have been the most awkward photoshoot of all time, convincing Oprah to look like she would ever be caught dead in that hat. My personal contention is that they hired a body double, because Oprah would rather eat nails baked in Martha Stewart’s DNA than put any of these clothes on her body, and they photoshopped her face in later. And EVEN THEN, nobody could find a face of hers that took this seriously, so her body says, “I’m just sitting on Gordon and Maria’s stoop on Sesame Street waiting for Mr. Hooper to open the store,” but her face says, “If I were not being paid handsomely for this, I would light this studio on fire and then drink wine while stomping on its ashes.” All the more amazing when you realize the cover line bleats about your COMFORT ZONE and how to find it. This could not be less her comfort zone if it were QVC and she were hosting a segment selling colon cleansers.


Fug or Fab the Covers: Various Elle Magazines, October and November 2015

It’s always risky to make your cover subject turn fully away from the camera, but in this case, I think it works.

[Photos: Elle]


Fug or Heh the Cover: Gwyneth Paltrow on Conde Nast Traveler

There are actually some things I like about this crazy throwback-style approach:

gwyneth paltrow conde nast traveler crazy cover

Now, in fairness, the retro-flavored Conde Nast Traveler logo debuted in January of this year, so it isn’t just for the GOOP issue – but it has been used to BETTER old-vibe effect here, while on some others it’s not obtrusive and just coexists nicely rather than rubbing off on the art. This just feels REALLY Wayback Machine, like someone in belled corduroys just handed it to me over my TV dinner before going to fix the antenna on the wood-paneled set.

And that does have its odd charms — the expression on her face is totally weird, but it’s also SO ’70s catalog, in a way that makes me cheerful — but what’s getting me here are the proportions. Her head either seems enlarged, or her body shrunken, to achieve… well, that’s just it, I’m not sure what it’s achieving, other than discord. It’s just strange. Especially because it has nothing to do with a chirpy little cover story about how her company is wildly successful and she wants to open a food truck, and while I don’t think these things ever have to be coyly united in theme, it’s better not to be furrowing at the visuals to the point where you ignore the words. Also, of course Gwyneth is going to open a food truck. I hope she insists on having Stella McCartney design it, though.

Here is the inside picture. Although she’s not leaning toward me with her fangs bared in this one, I actually think it’s less successful:

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Your Afternoon Man: Michael B Jordan on GQ


Michael B Jordan Cover

Am I too old to tape this to the inside of my locker?

PS: You probably want to see the entire spread. Some of it is nutty, but all of it features his extremely great face.

[Photo: GQ]


Well Played Cover: Lupita Nyong’o on Vogue, October 2015

What is there to say, honestly, about this? It’s PERFECT. (The interview with her is quite long and interesting as well.) The cover is great, and the inside spread is legitimately some of the best stuff I think we’ve seen in Vogue in literally years. I’m going to buy this one.

Lupita also did the Vogue 73 Questions:

And it’s also pretty damn great. (I love how many of her answers involve hats.)

[Photo: Vogue]


Fug and Fab and WTF the Covers: The W Magazine “New Royals” Covers, October 2015

Allison Williams must have been a good sport, but I have no choice but to conclude these photos were someone’s declaration of a vendetta against her.

[Photos: W Magazine]


Well Played, Sienna Miller on Vogue UK, October 2015

I don’t know if I’ve ever said this about a cover wherein the subject basically has no neck — and curse/thank you, Tyra Banks, for alerting me to always check for the presence of a model’s neck — but I think this is SO GOOD:


She looks great, her hair looks GREAT, the outfit is great, her lipstick is great, her smile is great, even her teeth are great. (They may be veneers — I have no idea — but I love that they’re not one hundred percent uniform. They look like a real person’s great teeth.) It’s so lovely and charming and appealing. NECKLESS OR NOT.

[Photo: Vogue UK]