Unfug It Up: Maria Sharapova


We need to discuss this: Apparently, Maria Sharapova has filed for a two-week quickie name change, so that for the duration of the U.S. Open, she can go by Maria Sugarpova. Because that is the name of her year-old candy line, and she wants to turn her tennis career into a particularly grasping marketing ploy. THIS IS THE DUMBEST THING IN THE WORLD.  [ed note: Her agent said they decided not to do this, and my suspicion is that it's because the plan was greeted with total incredulity from all sides; I will keep the rest of the post intact]  It means anytime she does anything on the court — like, say, wins a game — the chair umpire would be required to say, “Game Miss Sugarpova,” or, “Miss Sugarpova is challenging the call,” or, “Miss Sugarpova is not going to be playing in the U.S. Open for long if this is what she’s thinking about prior to the tournament starting.” Not that the chair ump can editorialize. Pity.

As for her dress… look,the skirt is interesting. The top might be interesting, if you couldn’t see right through it. Whatever camisole or lining or flesh-toned nonsense is under there, it’s bunching. It’s not good. Couldn’t it just have been black? Or blue? Or white? Or something? Why are cute things always ruined by transparency (and maybe whatever is making the skirt weirdly shiny)? Windows work on rooms, not on people.

The name change petition has not gone through yet, but imagine if it does. Will it become commonplace? What if, say, Intern George changed his name to George Casamigos to promote his tequila, right before he presented an Oscar. Or Justin Timberlake performed at the Grammys as Justin 901 Tequila. Actually, hang on, this is entertaining me now. I want Justin Bieber to hawk his fragrance by switching his name, temporarily, to Justin Girlfriend. And Ashton Kutcher can be Ashton Jobs, and if this were several years ago, Brad Pitt could start going by Brad The Assassination of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford. And THEN I’d be pushing for Angelina to have married him, because Angelina TAOJJBTCRF is so catchy.

[Photo: Getty]

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Comments (24):

  1. Maria L.

    I am henceforth going to call myself Maria Dontgiveafuckova silly, silly people. And her skirt looks like it is made of plastic.

  2. Ailatan

    Going a size up would sort many of the issues.

  3. qwertygirl

    The design on this reminds me of the wall decoration from my elementary school in 1979. It was sort of this shape, and every line was a different (earth tone) color, and the whole thing reached from the Art room to Mrs. Bennett’s 3rd grade room along the wall in the space where we had our assemblies. Terrence Conran was very into this sort of thing in his home decorating book from the same era. When your dress looks like a 35 year old wall decoration, I think it’s safe to say you may just want to start over. Never mind my thoughts on sheer. It could have been good (decent color, overall cute shape) but it just didn’t work up to its potential. I’d give this one detention.

  4. Jill

    She has nice legs. That’s all I got.

  5. Kate Andrews

    I think she’s the latest in the Project Runway product placement parade, and that’s what the winning designer made before running into traffic.

  6.  HelenBackAgain

    I would just line the sheer part with the blue color (thus allowing her to remove that uncomfortable-looking slip without nippling our eyes), and give it a more open, slightly scooped neckline. Done; cute.

    • Big Noise

      Good comments. It’s a pretty color, and the pattern is interesting. But….wait….is that bow tie right at her navel?

  7. Kristen from MA

    I see 3 skin tones here: dark legs, lighter arms, pale face. It’s almost like ombre hair, only on a whole person. :/

    • Big Noise

      That could be caused by the fact that maybe she puts on more sunscreen on her face and arms. Or maybe the face looks different because of the reflection? Hard to tell.

  8. kittenmittens

    Use a nude lining or cami that blends with her skin so it doesn’t show through or just have it blue up to the chest. The later is more practical.

    That Sugarpova thing sounds exceptionally stupid. She did manage to get the name out there without actually changing her name. Not that I’m going to remember it an hour from now or rush out and buy her candy.

  9. Mair Mair

    I can’t tell whether this is a) the photo; b) my computer monitor; c) my eyesight; or d) the dress itself, but I see a distinct vertical strip running down the middle of the dress. It’s like the designer made the dress, cut out the strip and then sewed it all back together, but slightly off kilter. Does anyone else see that? Please, someone else tell me they see that.

    • kittenmittens

      There is a panel down the front. I think it was intentionally done to change the way the circles meet.

      • Mair Mair

        Yes, I think you’re right. It’s just that it looks off to me – almost like the panel has been (badly) photoshopped in. But thank goodness it’s there, because that dress really needed one more thing going on.

  10. Kerry Jarvis Moore

    “Windows work on rooms, not on people.” PERFECTLY SAID! Why do people think this is a good idea? UGH

  11. Tar Heel Gal

    Whoa, based on the close-up, I do believe that dress has pleather or plastic trim, in the swirls and around the hem :(. So her candy is a premium line of gummies and gumballs, but of course. Gumballs shaped like ittybitty tennis balls, ain’t that clever!

    And those are Shara/Sugarpova red lip BOBBY PINS! y’all, by her right elbow! $22 bobby pins. With red lips. Hee.

  12. Sandra

    Why does a world-class athlete want to promote a line of candy? Like she got to where she is by scarfing down the sugar? Talk about tone-deaf!

    •  HelenBackAgain

      I was curious about this, too. The candy’s website says she’s always had a huge sweet tooth and, basically, this is just what she really wanted to do. As in, instead of a fragrance, or a clothing line, and so on and so on.

      I’d try some, but they almost all have gelatin (you CAN make gummies without it). I’m a vegetarian.

  13. Esme

    It’s cute; just line the top better.

  14. witjunkie

    She seems to have addressed the sock tan issue.

    And also, what Esme said.

  15. Bella

    Thirding what Esme said.

  16. Jenlwb

    Great legs.
    Facially I’m thinking one of Meryl Streep’s daughters, one of the Gummer girls- I can’t tell them apart, so either will do.

  17. Jules

    She looks amazing.
    I don’t like the pattern.
    I think it is trying to spell something, subliminally.

  18. Lily1214

    Okay, I’m tired of this now.

  19. Vandalfan

    Bow tie on her navel. Seriously.