We need to discuss this: Apparently, Maria Sharapova has filed for a two-week quickie name change, so that for the duration of the U.S. Open, she can go by Maria Sugarpova. Because that is the name of her year-old candy line, and she wants to turn her tennis career into a particularly grasping marketing ploy. THIS IS THE DUMBEST THING IN THE WORLD.  [ed note: Her agent said they decided not to do this, and my suspicion is that it’s because the plan was greeted with total incredulity from all sides; I will keep the rest of the post intact]  It means anytime she does anything on the court — like, say, wins a game — the chair umpire would be required to say, “Game Miss Sugarpova,” or, “Miss Sugarpova is challenging the call,” or, “Miss Sugarpova is not going to be playing in the U.S. Open for long if this is what she’s thinking about prior to the tournament starting.” Not that the chair ump can editorialize. Pity.

As for her dress… look,the skirt is interesting. The top might be interesting, if you couldn’t see right through it. Whatever camisole or lining or flesh-toned nonsense is under there, it’s bunching. It’s not good. Couldn’t it just have been black? Or blue? Or white? Or something? Why are cute things always ruined by transparency (and maybe whatever is making the skirt weirdly shiny)? Windows work on rooms, not on people.

The name change petition has not gone through yet, but imagine if it does. Will it become commonplace? What if, say, Intern George changed his name to George Casamigos to promote his tequila, right before he presented an Oscar. Or Justin Timberlake performed at the Grammys as Justin 901 Tequila. Actually, hang on, this is entertaining me now. I want Justin Bieber to hawk his fragrance by switching his name, temporarily, to Justin Girlfriend. And Ashton Kutcher can be Ashton Jobs, and if this were several years ago, Brad Pitt could start going by Brad The Assassination of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford. And THEN I’d be pushing for Angelina to have married him, because Angelina TAOJJBTCRF is so catchy.

[Photo: Getty]