The Fug Whisperer

Okay, so this isn’t actually actively terrible:

But it IS actively ON THE MARKET. This whole thing screams, “I am in the market for WHATEVER YOU GOT. A boyfriend? Could use one! SEND ‘EM OVER! A job?! I’LL TAKE IT. Give me a call! The cover of your magazine, with headlines about how I’m moving on from something or overcoming whatever? AWESOME. A slot on your judging panel, talking about people singing or sewing or making furniture or combing hair? I’M IN. CALL MY MANAGER. ANYONE. EVERYONE! CALL HER!”

Girlfriend, you don’t need to go there. You were on Party of Five.

Also, I like your shoes.

ALSO, I think we’re officially at the moment in space and time were someone is going to cross her legs on the red carpet so vigorously that she is going to just tip right over. I hope I’m there to see it.

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Comments (86):

  1. Court


  2. Simone

    Far too small which makes look cheap.

  3. hollabc

    She looks like she is trying to be Kim Kardashian.

  4. DK

    Hate the dress, love the color. Love the purse, but not with this dress. Love her. You can do better, Melinda Gordon!

  5. Melanie

    I’m with hollabc. My first thought was of Kim Kardashian when I saw this.

  6. Suzanne

    A) the purse has to go.
    2) JLH BUY A BIGGER SIZE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THINGS GOOD AND MORAL LIKE DIET COKE. That is entirely too small for you and quite frankly it doesn’t do you any favors in the flattery department. I’m just sayin’.

  7. ADTirey66

    Does she just not have FRIENDS? Because no true friend would let you walk out of the house looking like that. Poor thing. I almost think her “Love Bites” cameo was a little uncomfortably real now…Hold your head up, JLH. And possibly look into something a size larger and less…sausage-y/whatever that color is.

  8. yeahandalso

    Go up a size

  9. AndersonicTK421

    I’d like the whole thing a lot better if it were not for that ROUGE!
    a. spackle much?
    b. to match the dress, really?
    c. finally, from renowned fashionista, Edwina Monsoon: “It’s just bone structure, Pats – my whole body hangs off these cheekbones”

  10. val.

    There are a lot of things wrong with this look. The dress is too tight and I totally agree looks pretty desperate. Just not really flattering on her either. The purse doesn’t go at ALL. I don’t even like the shoes!

    I think it is actively terrible!

  11. Adrian

    Holy LORD, that thing is waayyyyyyy too tight and makes her look far thicker than she is. I totally agree, this veers sharply into Kardashian territory, and that is unpardonable. She just makes me wince with the desperation that oozes from her.

    I do enjoy the shoes though :)

  12. Tracy L

    She does look like she’s going to topple over and her purse is out of proportion to, um, her. My rule is that if one of your boobs won’t fit into your purse, then get a bigger purse. Or smaller boobs. Whichever. Those shoes would be totally cute if they weren’t so very high because as is they look like they hurt.
    And i loved Party of Five.

  13. Carol

    This is actively, aggressively, deliberately terrible … looks like a corset …

  14. Faye

    I’m with hollabc and Melanie — my first thought at seeing this was she looks like Kim Kardashian. I think Kim may have worn something very similar.

    I think the problem (the dress’s inherent revealing qualities aside) is that JLH has put on some weight. While she is certainly not fat, her curvier figure is not the target audience for this type of dress, I think.

  15. Bella

    Actually, actively terrible? YES! Go up a size? How ’bout 2! And please, cover those legs!

  16. Cat

    Color is great, but she needed a size (or two) up. No one can see the tag, JLoHew! I agree with the poster who mentioned she looks like Kim K– not necessarily a style icon you might want to imitate. This is way too tight and just screams “look at me!” in desperation.

  17. Isabelle

    didn’t Kim Kardashian wear something like this, only in a different color?

  18. Joyce

    The whole outfit is bad.

  19. jennifer

    No…I’m sorry…this IS actively TERRIBLE!!! Even if she’s not fat, the way this clings to everything makes her look HUGE!!! Ugh! Almost anyting would have been better than this.

  20. jennifer

    And well said to Cat. “Kim K, not…a style icon you…want to imitate.” HAHAHA

  21. Willow

    is the patchiness of her tan caused by the bag? YIKES!

  22. Susie Q

    Why is there a person in my hotdog casing?

  23. llism

    JLoHew, c’mere for a sec . . . closer . . . now put your ear up to the monitor and listen closely: YOU DON’T NEED TO WEAR A SAUSAGE CASING TO LOOK SEXY. Jeebus! You are a lovely woman with curves, but for the love of Dog, you don’t need to wear a body condom to show them off.

    Also, and I say this with love, your legs are thick already, and the sock tan line and chunky shoes aren’t helping to distract from that fact.

  24. jen

    Go. Up. A. Size.

  25. Feena

    What size is she really? Am I just used to seeing zeros and double zeros on the red carpet that I think a person who is probably my size, 8, looks gigantic……?

  26. Rosemary

    Ok, did anyone else shoot Diet Coke out their nose when AndersonicTK421 made her Eddie reference?

    Because I did.

    And, also- the whole J Lo Hew she-bang is one giant nuclear disaster. Sorry to say, I gave up on her a long time ago. I think it was the hooker/coke whore/massage therapist Lifetime movie that finally broke the camels back.

  27. Vrinda

    That’s a Serena van der Woodson dress! From some Thanksgiving special, if I recall. Yay!

  28. AMS

    @Tracy L: “if one of your boobs won’t fit in your purse” is killing me! @Rosemary, if I did drink diet Coke, that would have been the moment it shot out my nose.

  29. Sandra

    A Spanx slip with a bondage collar? Surely this was never made to be worn as a top layer.

  30. Lina

    The color is kind of great. The dress might actually be really pretty on someone it fit and who had their hair up enough to show the neckline. My first thought on THIS, though, was ‘sausage casing’, which is so sad. The dress deserves better. (But I do wonder how long it took to stuff her into it. Which is not a slam of curvy women; it’s a slam of JLH for going two sizes too small.)

  31. Willow
  32. Minerva Orduno

    “My rule is that if one of your boobs won’t fit into your purse, then get a bigger purse.”

    Might be the best fashion advice ever.

  33. llism

    And to add insult to injury, this is something Boobs Legsly work a couple of years ago, right down to the almost-identical shoes:

    I honestly don’t think it looks good on either of them.

  34. AM

    I like JLH, but I hate this. She has a good figure, I used to have a similar one I realize now, when I thought I was fat, which she most certainly is not AT ALL. (Oh, to revisit those days). Well, I don’t hate it if she’s from the 1800s or something and just has her corset on, but not her dress yet. Otherwise, the color is good, I don’t care if the purse “matches,” the shoes look uncomfortable, but I could live with them, but the dress, and the dress with the shoes all say streetwalker, and not flattering streetwalker.

  35. vandalfan

    Obviously she is ready to get into Kind Touching for real. Those are a Kind Toucher’s shoes. That is Kind Touching make up. That is definitely a Kind Touching dress, borrowed from a much smaller Kind Toucher and left in the dryer on the High setting for far too long.

  36. Sharon gerhard

    Because I’ve only been following you for the past two or three years, i looked into your archive and found your first posts. Boy, you guys were mean! Not wrong, necessarily, but mean! It’s interesting to see how you’ve evolved as judges and writers. I sometimes think you carry the compassion to far, but after reading those posts, I’ve changed my mind. You ladies are right on! (Now I’m going to imdb to look up Sleepover!)

  37. Libby

    Remember how she used to be obsessed with Audrey Hepburn and would purposely dress like a “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” understudy? I really wish she would return to that phase, because looking like a “Keeping up with the Kardashians” understudy is a ginormous step down.

  38. floretbroccoli

    Have you ever seen the movie The Women (THE ORIGINAL)?

    The scene where Our Heroine (Norma Shearer) confronts The Hussy (Joan Crawford) takes place in a dressing room. Various characters are in changing stalls. Floating through the background is a model, wearing a shear cape over the lingerie she is modeling. As she enters each room, she trills, “Our new one-piece foundation garment, zips up the back and no bone!”

    The foundation garment looks just like the garment Love is wearing in this picture.

  39. Eliza Bennett

    I originally wondered whether there were implants or a Wonder( Why She Needs That Much Cleavage) Bra involved, and then was distracted by this question: HOW do you determine whether your boob will fit in your purse? Is there an instructional video?

  40. Melody

    I would love to see her actually walk in this. I suspect her legs are that crossed over because she can’t open them any further.

  41. Art Eclectic

    I file this under Oh, Honey. No. Terribly unflattering to a shapely woman… And, yeah, stay out of Kardashian town after dark.

  42. Kara

    Yikes. I agree with y’all: it’s just too small. I have learned many things from Tim Gunn, and one is that proper fit is essential. It even looks too small in the linked pics of Boobs Legsly. If you’re going to do a bandage dress sort of thing, it needs to fit absolutely perfectly. This does not. I do love that color, though, it’s a staple in my wardrobe..

    I wonder if, like Christina Aguilera, she has gained weight and just isn’t dressing for her new body? Neither is fat, but I’ve been watching The Voice and every week I thought, “OH MY GOD JUST GO UP A SIZE.” I haven’t seen enough pics of J.Lo Hew to be able to compare, but it’s a thought. She LOOKS bigger in this, whether or not her scale reads differently than it did three months ago or whatever. (That was the problem with the infamous bikini pic – if the bottoms dig into your thighs, you will look like you have fat thighs.)

    The purse is just silly. It’s like a shrunken version of a briefcase.

  43. Lynnie

    I’m on the Kardashian train. Sadly, however, this dress would look better on Kim.

  44. Rayna

    Oy. I heart her, but this look is HYENOUS.

    And I think even a hyena would know enough to go up a size or so.

  45. G

    Definitely too small and therefore unflattering, but it is nice to see a cleavage-baring dress with actual cleavage in it.

  46. Katie Kat

    Needs to go up several sizes. Right now, it looks a pinch on the cheap side.

  47. I.K.

    Oh noooooooo…nooooo, honey, noooooo!

  48. Kelly

    The colors of the dress and shoes are the only positives I see, they look nice with her dark hair and eyes. Why do women keep wearing these dresses? There’s nothing wrong with her weight, but this dress makes her look so plump she’ll probably regret it later.

  49. Joni Woodhead

    my pinky toes hurt so much looking at her poor feet right now. as for her being overweight at all, or some asked if she might be an 8 …. no. She is allegedly a size 2 at the moment ( while the rest of Hollywood is a 0 ) the reason she looks bigger than usual is just an unfortunate cut of dress in the wrong size .. just because you can get it on doesn’t mean you should wear it

    Maybe shes now a 4 and the dress is still a 2? but still, that is far from what i would even call “average sized” let alone overweight.

  50. Pat

    My first thought on seeing this was, Damn, she looks like a girl you’d see in a rap video. Kinda thick and with a booty.

    Imagine my surprise when I saw that urban site Mediatakeout had the same opinion:

  51. Milly Thomas

    Ooooohhhh dang. There’s no “go up a size” in a bandage dress I think. There’s more of a “Don’t wear a bandage dress if your ass has its own zipcode now.” I like bigger girls but they look ridiculous in skinny girl clothes. J lo hew, I just don’t I mean I can’t I mean why would you.

  52. Milly Thomas

    On further reflection I guess this isn’t exactly a bandage dress. Maybe it’s more a dress that makes me want to wrap her up in bandages?

  53. Kary

    Also, that purse color is totally rando.

  54. ~Lori

    In thumbnail form on my feedreader, I thought this was Kim K. The style does look very Kim K, but the less heinous end of the Kim K spectrum so that’s okay with me. It just needs to fit better – it looks too squoooshed as it is. Like the shoes though.

    Oy, the purse I’d prefer to pretend never happened.

  55. anonymoose

    “Isn’t actively terrible”? is that a typo? Cuz that is actively terrible.

    I don’t care what size that “dress” is, it’s an ugly girdle in any size.

    I wish I liked the shoes, but they make LJH’s feet look rectangular. eeew.

  56. Sharon

    GO. UP. A. SIZE.

    it won’t kill you, I promise. And no-one needs know except you.

    PS – the accessories suck. You can do better.

    Love, most of the female population!

  57. Kris

    I agree with Anonymoose: that dress is terrible in any size, on any person, anywhere. So is the purse, so are the shoes. I didn’t even recognize J.Lo.Hew. She’s past Kardashian, closing fast on Katie Price territory here.

  58. jenny

    vandalfan, this is indeed a shrunken Kind Touching dress. Jessica, the leg-crossing is INSANE. If I saw someone standing like that in real life, I’m not sure I could stop myself from just veeery quickly poking them with my finger to see if I could topple them.

  59. Kelly

    Seriously, this just looks like Spanx on her. And to that I say: 1) Honey, Spanx go under your clothes; they are not, in and of themselves, clothes. 2) That color is going to show through so much. 3) Your neck is not fat, and no scarf, turtleneck or necklace will make your neck look lumpy; therefore, neck-Spanx are unnecessary. But yeah….. “ON THE MARKET” pretty much sums it up.

  60. Ladyblahblah

    This is a visual representation of what it’s like to be an hour away from getting your period 3 days late.

  61. Sara

    She is like the missing Kardashian here.

  62. Fuh Ugh

    Yes it is. Actively. Terrible.

  63. Geemee

    I think her body is banging! Most of Hollywood would say she’s fat, but I think she looks amazing. Healthy and sexy. However, everything — dress, purse, shoes — needs to be bigger. Actually, she should go home to her closet and just start all over.

  64. Keckler

    She looks like she’s wearing a new one-piece (non) lace foundation garment. Zips up the back and no bones.

  65. Spacelamb

    I can’t stand her (can’t act AT ALL, nowhere near as good-looking as people have said EVER) but I actually don’t mind how she looks here. I think the colours work, the orange purse pops and the shoes are a nice touch. She could go up a size.

  66. RenaissanceGrrl

    UP A SIZE!!!

  67. Zuzzie

    I’ve seen a picture of the back of this and the backs of her thighs are very cellulite-y. Nothing wrong with that, mine are the same, but I don’t show them off in tiny tight dresses.
    I thing she hasn’t adjusted to her new, more bootilicious, body.

  68. Ed

    It’s *supposed* to be tight, folks. Looks good to me.

  69. Meem

    I think that she is crossing her legs to take up less visual space — she’s embarrassed that she’s packed on a few perhaps? I thought that she looked like a Kardashian and, upon seeing other comments above, see that I’m not the only one. Overall, she looks skanky rather than feminine.

  70. Alexa

    JLove is looking luscious and curvy, which is great. But only .02% of the female population is going to look good in a sausage casing. She isn’t one of them.

  71. Angela De Felice

    Pretty tragic. I didn’t realize she had Kim Kardashian-like curves either. Which isn’t necessarily bad, it’s just that this is so unflattering… followed by her posture. Which reads to me more than anything that she knows it’s not flattering and she’s desperately trying to pose in the most flattering way she can think of. She also regrets the purse. I can tell the way it’s barely dangling from her fingers she has disassociated herself from it!

  72. Jules


  73. gav

    I think she might still be in character from the Kind Touching film? Aside from it seeming a little bit like an OCD Kardashian fan who’s devoted their life to looking like their idol, I think she looks pretty good.

  74. jackie

    Do my eyes deceive me, or is that the tiniest Birkin ever? Is that why she’s carrying that thing?

  75. Maura

    I do believe JLH forgot to put her dress on.

    I am loving those shoes.

  76. CranAppleSnapple

    I scrolled too fast and thought she was Kim Kardashian (in the ass area).
    And with regards to the leg-crossing, she definitely needs to pee. I do that crossed-leg dance myself, and it also has little hops involved, as opposed to the demure ankle-cross starlets usually put out there while they pose.

  77. bambi

    I just wish the photographers would stop taking pictures so she could finally go to the bathroom!

  78. Amy

    why does it look like fancy shapewear??? WTF

  79. bravoerunway

    YIKES….this dress was just too tight and not flattering on her at all! She had so many other items to select from and to pick this??? YIKES!

  80. Softwear

    I’m going to go there: this is actively terrible.

  81. Bambi Anne Dear

    Although I barely watch anything she does I have to say I have NEVER seen a full length shot of her. Ever! Now I know why. Does one ever see a full length of her on the small screen? Yes, the dress is far too small and crossing those feet does nothing. But the shoes are beautiful if a little drag queenish.

  82. Sajorina

    Was she there to audition for “Cougartown”? If she wasn’t, then I don’t get it!

  83. Janice Marie

    I don’t believe that everyone in Hollywood has to be skinny. However, I do believe that ONLY the skinny ones should wear bandage dresses. That is all.

  84. gothmartha

    CranappleSnapple and Bambi – that’s what I thought too. That’s the pee-pee leg cross if I’ve ever seen one!

  85. Radinka

    she looks fabulously curvy but the shoes make her look completely hooker-ish. i’m waiting for some music to start playing and her to start stripping.

  86. erin

    I think she looks totally hot! The dress, maybe not so much. However, her hair is jealousy-inducing and her curves are gorgeous.