Okay, so this isn’t actually actively terrible:

But it IS actively ON THE MARKET. This whole thing screams, “I am in the market for WHATEVER YOU GOT. A boyfriend? Could use one! SEND ‘EM OVER! A job?! I’LL TAKE IT. Give me a call! The cover of your magazine, with headlines about how I’m moving on from something or overcoming whatever? AWESOME. A slot on your judging panel, talking about people singing or sewing or making furniture or combing hair? I’M IN. CALL MY MANAGER. ANYONE. EVERYONE! CALL HER!”

Girlfriend, you don’t need to go there. You were on Party of Five.

Also, I like your shoes.

ALSO, I think we’re officially at the moment in space and time were someone is going to cross her legs on the red carpet so vigorously that she is going to just tip right over. I hope I’m there to see it.