Fug File: Tony Awards

Tony Awards Fug Carpet: Whoopi Goldberg

Well, I never:

Apparently even the Dread Pirate Roberts has a mother.


Tony Awards Fug: Frances McDormand

“… and so this one chicken in my coop doesn’t trust me, right, and she won’t LISTEN to me and she just GLARES at me and it’s so IMPUDENT and I really think sometimes she’s plotting to kill me, okay, so I was RIGHT in the middle of sitting on her to show her who’s boss — do you KNOW how long it takes to force a chicken under your buttocks and get it to understand you mean business? — and my agent called and was like, ‘Frances, you’re supposed to be at the Tonys,’ and I was like, ‘But Colonel Ann Landers is JUST about to learn the lesson of her lifetime,’ and he was like, ‘Get there, I don’t care if you have chicken feed in your hair,’ so I was like, ‘Fine, dude, but if she’s still giving me this kind of attitude tomorrow I am going to make you rub bruise cream on my derriere YOURSELF.”


Tony Awards Unfug or Fab Carpet: Lucy Liu

It probably says something grievous about the state of my brain that I am at peace with the passing of (generally) good shows, like Lost and Alias and Dynasty, but still mourn the deaths of terrible ones as premature. Tops on that list is Cashmere Mafia, the truly average nighttime soap costumed by Pat Field, in which Lucy Liu here once went jogging in a giant fur vest.

Seriously, I have no memory of the goings-on — she was in magazines, maybe? And Bonnie Somerville had a bad and fleeting New Yawk accent — but I will never forget the sartorial splendor of that stupid vest. Alexis Morrell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan would totally have worn that, if, of course, she believed in breaking any kind of sweat at all.

I wish Lucy had fished out the vest and worn it here:
Instead, she’s clad in the dress version of one of Carrie Bradshaw’s gigantic flower brooches, and so it’s hard for me to view it objectively, because I never cared for those damn fool badges. Here, the flower just sits there, like a blooming tumor. It’s pretty, but deadly. Lucy Liu is one of the loveliest people I’ve ever seen in person, and somehow this whole contraption renders her face beside the point. See how much more you notice her when you can’t see as much of it?

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Tony Awards Fug or Fab: Scarlett Johansson

[Screen grabs courtesy of @DuhKeeks. Thank you!]

SCARLETT: Hooray, I can’t believe I won! Thank you, honey!
LIEV SCHREIBER: Wait… ‘honey’?
SCARLETT: Yes! Being married to you is the best thing in the world. I could not have done this without you.
LIEV: Okay, except you’re not married to me.
SCARLETT: I’m… what?
LIEV: You’re married to the other guy.
SCARLETT: What? Are you sure? 
RYAN: Yep. 
SCARLETT: Oh, that’s… Oops! Of course! Hello… Ryan, is it?
RYAN: Yep.
SCARLETT: I’m so sorry. This is very embarrassing.
RYAN: Yep.
SCARLETT: Well, it’s nice to meet you, anyway. Thanks for coming…?
RYAN: Yep.
SCARLETT: I should probably kiss you before I go up there…
RYAN: Yep.
SCARLETT: Okay, I’ll lean right… no, left, left. Left is better.
SCARLETT: Okay, phew. That wasn’t too awkward. Was it?
RYAN: Yep.
LIEV: Can we pretend I’m not here and just look at her outfit, or something?
ME: Yep.

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Tony Awards Fug-or-Fab Carpet: Idina Menzel

I’d read a gossip blind item that implied Idina Menzel and Kristen Chenoweth hate each other — a theory I’d developed while watching the Tonys from the year they were both up for Wicked, and Idina won, and her praise at Cheno was laced with a clear, “Oh, this is so delicious, you are SO PISSED RIGHT NOW,” and Cheno’s ensuing set of blown air kisses and hand waving had undertones that were very clearly, “I am going to put Drano in that bitch’s coffee tomorrow” — and Us Weekly basically confirmed it, reporting that the Glee producers had to write their cameos so that they never crossed. Which, if true: Grow up, ladies. You’re professionals. Act like it. There’s room for you both in the world. And if not true: Yell at your publicists for letting that slide and then do a Funny Or Die video of “Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better” that devolves into murder. Or something. I don’t know. I don’t do comedy.

Anyway, since we already did Idina’s archrival an hour ago, let’s take a look at what Menzel wore to the awards:
It’s… empirically pretty, I suppose, and once I stopped watching the hideous Rent whenever it showed up on cable, my ambivalence toward Idina warmed up again into liking her. So there’s no anti-Menzel bias at work here to explain why I can’t sign off on this jubilantly and skip into the sunset with a song in my heart. It seems so… heavy. Like a burden. And almost like she caught herself on somebody’s boa on the way in and she didn’t have time to pick all the white pieces out of her sequins. Or maybe she heard Chenoweth was wearing white, and decided to add some to her own dress at the last minute so there weren’t obvious angel/devil connotations from which she’d come out on the wrong side. Or maybe this photo was taken AFTER she trapped Cheno in the bathroom and tore her dress to pieces with a nail file, and this is actually EVIDENCE. Except, as far as I know, that didn’t happen. BOO. I love happy divas, but I do love a rivalry too…


Tony Awards Fug or Fab Carpet: Kristen Chenoweth

Cheno here is one of those people who I used to dislike for reasons I don’t even remember or may not even have HAD, but then she wore me down and now I love her and find her hilarious and want to be her next door neighbor. Pushing Daisies helped. So did the story she told in her autobio about how she once accidentally set her extensions on fire when they got caught in the candles she had on top of her toilet. But let’s talk about her outfit:

On one hand: Cute!

On the other: Is it covered in Post-Its?

On the first one: Shiny!

On the second: SHORT.

On the first: Why don’t you unclench?

On the second: Don’t you think it’s too young for her?!

On the first: You are UPTIGHT.

On the second: LET’S JUST PUT IT TO A VOTE: