Well, I never:
Apparently even the Dread Pirate Roberts has a mother.
“… and so this one chicken in my coop doesn’t trust me, right, and she won’t LISTEN to me and she just GLARES at me and it’s so IMPUDENT and I really think sometimes she’s plotting to kill me, okay, so I was RIGHT in the middle of sitting on her to show her who’s boss — do you KNOW how long it takes to force a chicken under your buttocks and get it to understand you mean business? — and my agent called and was like, ‘Frances, you’re supposed to be at the Tonys,’ and I was like, ‘But Colonel Ann Landers is JUST about to learn the lesson of her lifetime,’ and he was like, ‘Get there, I don’t care if you have chicken feed in your hair,’ so I was like, ‘Fine, dude, but if she’s still giving me this kind of attitude tomorrow I am going to make you rub bruise cream on my derriere YOURSELF.”
I’d read a gossip blind item that implied Idina Menzel and Kristen Chenoweth hate each other — a theory I’d developed while watching the Tonys from the year they were both up for Wicked, and Idina won, and her praise at Cheno was laced with a clear, “Oh, this is so delicious, you are SO PISSED RIGHT NOW,” and Cheno’s ensuing set of blown air kisses and hand waving had undertones that were very clearly, “I am going to put Drano in that bitch’s coffee tomorrow” — and Us Weekly basically confirmed it, reporting that the Glee producers had to write their cameos so that they never crossed. Which, if true: Grow up, ladies. You’re professionals. Act like it. There’s room for you both in the world. And if not true: Yell at your publicists for letting that slide and then do a Funny Or Die video of “Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better” that devolves into murder. Or something. I don’t know. I don’t do comedy.
Cheno here is one of those people who I used to dislike for reasons I don’t even remember or may not even have HAD, but then she wore me down and now I love her and find her hilarious and want to be her next door neighbor. Pushing Daisies helped. So did the story she told in her autobio about how she once accidentally set her extensions on fire when they got caught in the candles she had on top of her toilet. But let’s talk about her outfit:
On one hand: Cute!
On the other: Is it covered in Post-Its?
On the first one: Shiny!
On the second: SHORT.
On the first: Why don’t you unclench?
On the second: Don’t you think it’s too young for her?!
On the first: You are UPTIGHT.
On the second: LET’S JUST PUT IT TO A VOTE: