MESSY Giveaway

Guess what officially comes out today? Our second young adult novel, MESSY. And we’re giving away an awesome prize pack! Want to win it? READ ON:

First of all, we can’t wait to meet you at one of our upcoming book signings — so far, we’re at:

– The Barnes and Noble at the Grove in Los Angeles on June 20 at 7 p.m.

– Vroman’s in Pasadena on June 24 at noon

– Books and Greetings in Northvale, New Jersey, on July 17 at 6 p.m.

– WORD in Brooklyn on July 18 at 7 p.m.

If you’re in the area, please come say hi! We love people. And we don’t want to be sitting there alone braiding each other’s hair.

What’s MESSY about? Let us tell you:

After a rocky start in SPOILED, Brooke Berlin and her newly discovered half sister, Molly Dix, have settled into something like sisterly love, but the drama is far from over. Now that Brooke’s caught a taste of fame and her movie star father’s attention, she wants to launch a blog that will position her as the ultimate Hollywood insider. But between schoolwork, party-planning committee meetings, and spa treatments, she hardly has the time to write it herself… Enter Max McCormack, an aspiring author with a terrible after-school job pushing faux meat on the macrobiotic masses of La-La Land. Max reluctantly agrees to play Brooke’s ghost-blogger for an impressive salary, and the site takes off, but how long can their lie last? In person, Brooke can’t live up to the intellectual wit of, and Max soon begins to resent hiding her genius behind a bandage dress-wearing blonde. Can the girls work together to stay on top, or will the truth come out and ruin everything they’ve built?

Cue dramatic music here. Other questions that you may have, if you’ve read SPOILED (which you don’t have to in order to enjoy MESSY, although of course we’d advise it): What’s up with Molly and Teddy? Will there be a sequel to Brick Berlin’s magnum opus Avalanche!?  Has Jennifer Parker booked another late-night infomercial? You will have to read it to find out: As of right this moment, you can get MESSY on Amazon, on Barnes and, AT Barnes and Noble in person, at Sam’s Club when you’re off buying your giant tubs of BBQ sauce (we know how you roll), at independent book stores everywhere, and for the Nook, the Kindle, and in the Apple iBooks store. And at libraries.

And, for a lucky three of you, from US. In honor of the book’s publication, we are giving away a SPOILED/MESSY prize pack that includes: a paperback of SPOILED, a brand new MESSY hardcover (both signed, of course), a MESSY-branded mirror, and three bottles of OPI nail polish in I’m Not Really a Waitress, That’s Hot!, and Yodel Me On My Cell.

The contest: Those of you who’ve read SPOILED know that Brick Berlin (aforementioned movie star father, and avowed enemy of carbs) starred in a tremendously popular action movie series about a renegade hero by the name of Dirk Venom (think Mission Impossible meets Die Hard meets Batman meets flamethrowers). As MESSY opens, Hollywood is rumored to be planning a fifth Dirk Venom movie, working title: Dirk Venom: V Is For Five. Ah, Roman numeral humor. Never leave us. Anyway, your challenge: Please run down for us, in the comments, the plot of said film (basically: you are making up a cracked out action movie, no need to have Extensive Brick Berlin Knowledge…although that would not hurt). The best three win.

The deadline: This is open until 9 p.m. Pacific time on SUNDAY, June 10.  All entries must be in the COMMENTS below, not emailed to us. And, finally, this contest is open to ALL READERS (I will mail this prize packet to Zimbabwe if you live there). Good luck, and have fun!

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Comments (51):

  1. Meg B

    Aliens have taken over New York City and it’s up to Dirk Venom to defeat them. Dirk, along with Natasha Ryder, a femme fatale trained in the ancient art of Domo Arigato Roboto martial arts, whom Dirk rescued from the Himalayas mere days before the aliens attacked Earth, must use his wits, his good looks (aliens love a hottie as much as the rest of us) and his secret knowledge of New York City’s subway system, knowledge he learned while in training with the Knights Templar, to save the world.

  2. a

    In a secret lair deep in the Austrian Alps, the five richest people on the planet gather each year to determine the workings of the governments around the world for the coming year. This year, a rogue group of unemployed college graduates from the US have tracked down the lair and are planning to kidnap these people to bring about the breakdown of society everywhere. Only Dirk Venom can stop the chaos…

  3. Kara K

    Dirk Venom: V Is For Five is all about going back to the roots of what makes Dirk Venom the awesome, awesome man of action that he is. Or more importantly: who.

    When his mother, Belladonna, and his girlfriend, noted architect Jenna Michaels, are kidnapped at the unveiling of Jenna’s new building, Dirk has to ask for help from the one person he never thought he would. His mother’s ex-husband, his own father: Dirk Venom III.

    Together they track the kidnappers/arms dealers/panda thieves over three continents, kicking ass, taking names (sometimes literally), and bonding, finding out more about each other than they ever have. Meanwhile, in Europe, Belladonna and Jenna keep busy, as well, evading one set of kidnappers, getting involved in a jewel heist and, oh, also Jenna’s just about ready to give birth.

    In the end, the lovers are reunited (times two!), the world is saved (oh, there was also a thing about some missing nuclear missiles), and Dirk delivers his son, Dirk Venom V, into the world.

    Note: This movie is not Snakes on a Plane. That doesn’t mean that it doesn’t contain a cameo of Samuel L. Jackson as as a pilot of a small charter plane saying, “Get those motherf*cking Venoms off my motherf*cking plane.” Because it quite probably does.

  4. Emma

    Dirk is dispatched to Bolivia to provide security for the 5th Annual South American Soccer Soiree, a five day tournament of co-ed futbol teams from the “Bush-Rod National Pride League” headquartered in La Paz. Once there, Dirk’s preternatural sense of danger leads him to begin questioning the motives of the event’s organizing committee. After a meet-cute involving tequila shots and two rabid chihuahuas, Dirk teams up with Argentina’s star sweeper, Anjelica Dolor, to dig further under the pitch in the quest for truth. Dirk and Anjelica soon realize this coup goes all the way to the top (as is the nature of dramatic coups), implicating Bolivia’s president in a scheme to murder Brazil’s clearly superior futbol team using bombs concealed in celebratory vuvuzelas set to explode upon forceful blowing. The film concludes with Dirk dramatically and symbolically showing the president of Bolivia a red card, thus ejecting him from the game of murderous political soccer and paving the way for Anjelica’s last second, tournament winning GOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLL!

  5. pinkcheese

    I don’t envy you ladies having to narrow this down. Four in, and I’d pay money to see all of them!

  6. Suzie

    With the help of sexy food scientist, Dr. Rita Von Tita, Dirk Venom must stop the evil Yum Food Corporation from distributing their Miracle Slo-Glu ™ sugar substitute…Miracle Slo-Glu ™ is really just an addictive carb that makes people fat and mindless zombies that will be going in every processed food in America…the better for CEO of Yum Food, Dick Blaahdsooker, to get his fill of plump, delicious people!
    Quote from Dick Blaahdsooker on the effects of Miracle Slo-Glu to his Dark Board Room, “It’s like leading cows to the slaughterhouse, the cows being people and the slaughterhouse being our bellies! Maawhaa!”
    Let’s hope Dirk Venom can put a stake in Dick’s plans before the gluttony and laziness begins!

  7. Kate in Cleveland

    Dirk Venom: V Is For Five*

    Dirk Venom, action star of action stars, is facing his toughest enemy yet…. HIMSELF. After his latest completed mission, Dirk has returned home. He is confronted with recently paroled villain from his first mission, biotech expert and madman, Dr. Phill Inderblunck, played by Kenneth Branagh. Inderblunck has been paroled from California’s state prison early on a flimsy excuse, and pays Dirk a visit. He threatens Dirk with the worst that prison had visited upon him: forced and unwanted introspection of his life! Only for Dirk, there will be no parole. Inderblunck drugs Dirk with a paralyzing agent, and then a powerful hallucinogen, vowing that Dirk will now exist in a prison of his own mind. Dirk is then visited by five versions of himself, five ways his life could have gone: stay at home father to his high school sweetheart; fat loser operating a drive through liquor store; roided out trainer at a local gym; faceless drone at a nameless office; and an evil mastermind that he himself would have fought. Only after Dirk has defeated each of these foes can he summon the mental strength to break free of the drugs – will he then be able to catch up to Inderblunck, and visit upon him the wrath of the road not taken?! If only he could reach out to his brilliant scientist neighbor, Dr. Helena Haversham, played by Keira Knightley, for help in shaking these drugs – and these lingering insecurities…

    * a combination of A Christmas Carol, Batman Begins and any Martin Lawrence movie you care to mention!

  8. Annie S.

    Dirk Venom’s (Brick Berlin) career is in freefall. Injuries, tropical diseases and the love of too many fast women have taken their toll, and the Rolodex of International Do-Gooders in Costume is considering forcing him into early retirement. Never one to take a situation lying down – unless the situation was blonde with legs for days – Dirk vows to prove himself worthy of RIDIC’s continued loyalty.

    Armed with intel gleaned from various sketchy sources, our hero finds himself in Pleasant Valley, Iowa, where Dirk has it on good authority a ring of Soviet crime lords are plotting to take over the world. Their headquarters? Happy Days Retirement Home, which Dirk infiltrates as an orderly. He is shocked to discover that no one at Happy Days ever seems to die, but rather are removed by their twenty-something grandchildren who look suspiciously like younger versions of themselves.

    After seducing the head nurse, Dixie Normous (Kim Kardashian), Dirk uncovers a lab hidden under the game room. He hacks into the poorly secured computer system and learns that the Soviet spies have invented a “fountain of youth” serum that they plan to sell to the world’s wealthiest tycoons, politicians, crime lords, and Hugh Hefner. They’ve been testing it on the residents of Happy Days, who are now equipped with super-strength – and flamethrowers hidden in their walkers and bayonets in their canes. A battle ensues, and Dirk manages to blow up the laboratory…but not before being injected with the serum.

    Dirk passes out and wakes up in RIDIC’s headquarters…twenty years younger than he had been before. (Young Dirk is played by Zac Efron.)

    Stay tuned for the reboot of the “Dirk Venom” franchise: “Dirk Venom VI: VI-Pack Abs.”

    “Zac Efron clearly owed someone a lot of money to agree to do this film.” – Peter Travers

  9. Annie

    In a galaxy far, far away…Kansas, Dirk Venom is out to stop the sinister Ima Himlicker from poisoning the world’s food supply. Dirk must infiltrate a secret government lab in small Kansas town where cows are plentiful and women are few. Will Dirk be able to blend in with the country folk? Will he be able to thwart Lana’s evil plan? Will his fifth wife be a cow or a cowgirl? Find out this summer in…Dirk Venom: V Is For Five!

    (I’d like to think he’d need Molly’s help understanding Midwest culture and she would teach him how to look at a burger and fries without disgust. Hee!)

  10. Kristina

    V may be for five, but it’s also for vengeance: Dirk Venom is back, and this time, there’s nowhere to hide. Dirk tried living the quiet life, settling down with Greek heiress (played by Ashley Olsen) he rescued from clutches of the Russian Mafia in China in Dirk Venom 4: Ni Hao, Comrade, in sunny Zambia to pursue their dream of running an elephant sanctuary. Tripp Flemyng (played by Daniel Day-Lewis in a star turn), the wealthy one-eared industrialist and orgami-fetishist, however, has other plans. Tripp is the richest man in the world, but that isn’t good enough for him: he’s going to build his underwater condo complex so the rich can finally have some peace and quiet away from the teeming masses of poor that ruin their day, and he doesn’t care what fragile environments or communities he’ll destroy when he dams up the mighty Zambezi river. You never thought of Dirk Venom as tree-hugger, but Dirk Venom has some news for you: he’ll going to uproot that tree, swing it like a mighty cricket bat flattening you and all your evil henchmen, and then replant it, taking care to replace the nests full of birds that had made that tree their home. Chasing Tripp clear across the continent of Africa, dodging sandstorms, lascivious tourists on safari, and wild dogs, Dirk will do anything to save the friends he’s made, the elephants he’s saved, and the lady he loves. Tripp and Dirk’s climactic final battle, first aboard two racing camels, and then while escaping a massive quicksand/sand-avalanche in the Sahara, will take your breath away. Will Dirk prevail? Or will money once again be the victor at the end of the day?

    (I might really want that book. I also have no idea if the 4th installment in the Dirk Venom series was really called Ni Hao, Comrade because I don’t have my kindle to check, but I hope so.)

  11. Lisa B

    Dang, as pinkcheese said, I don’t envy you choosing a winner – these all sound worth of a big round of green lights. Or lighting or whatever it is people in Hollywood do besides fug about.

  12. Becky

    Dirk Venom: V is For Five doesn’t just use roman numerals, it lives them. That’s right. Dirk Venom is being forced to battle to the death like the gladiators of old.

    The movie opens with Dirk relaxing and enjoying life on the beach, no longer running for his life and having to save damsel in distress after damsel in distress. He has hung up his gun and is now contemplating living a life on a ranch somewhere isolated and flat. Someplace like the Midwest. With these thoughts in mind, he drifts off to sleep.

    When he awakens, he is in an arena, surrounded by dozens of others, all equally as confused. The announcer (who is not so secretly the leader of an underground New York City terrorist cell) bellows out that Dirk and his equally confused comrades, were drugged and kidnapped, and are now being forced to fight to the death in order to be released to pay for their interference in their nefarious crime ring plans. Dirk, while thinking how obviously this is a rip off of the Hunger Games, will have none of this. Pairing up with four others to fight the establishment, Dirk creates The V.

    Together, against all odds and armed with only weapons that were basic even back in ancient Rome, the V manages to overcome all of the odds, and make it to the final stage. Suddenly, one of their own, a Miss Bellatrix Greta (who obviously has been a slight romantic interest throughout the film up until this point), turns against them and reveals that she was planted in the arena to thwart any attempts that Dirk Venom made to escape in exchange for the release of some lover, close family member, or cherished pet.

    With this new twist, how will Dirk manage to lead the remained IV of the V to safety? Will he be able to bring Bellatrix back to their side in order to use her knowledge and escape?

    And more importantly, will Dirk Venom EVER be able to retire on a ranch in the Midwest?
    Coming Summer 2013

  13. Melissa

    ((In the form of a movie trailer :) ))

    In a world…

    Where the evil Soviets have teamed up with the terrorists of indeterminate origin, AND the heads of every massive corporation to destroy the source of all energy in the world…

    (“The Conglomerate!” *doosh* *doosh* *doosh*)

    Where a plot to blow up a tower in generic City X looms ever closer…

    (*Massive Explosion* *doosh* *doosh* *doosh*)

    Where robots toils under the thumbs of their masters, dreaming of the day they can wreak havok on an unsuspecting population…

    (*Toiling Robots with glowing red eyes and hands in the shape of a ‘V’* *doosh* *doosh* *doosh*)

    Where iridescently tanned people become famous for no good reason…

    (“Sooki” *doosh* *doosh* *doosh*)

    His significant other left him. His Grandma died. His new puppy ran away. His favorite sandwich was discontinued.

    (A sad man loses his wife/grandma/puppy all in a row)

    Dirk Venom is our only hope.

    (Dirk steels his shoulders, and stands tall after the sad day montage)

    Even as his own world crumbles around him, the world calls on Venom yet again to save it.

    (Venom and a several officials stand in a massive control room)

    Faced with ever-mounting odds, Dirk takes on the evils of the world. Gun fights! Tank crashes! Bridges explosions! The Conglomerate will stop at nothing to get their evil way, and Dirk Venom will stop at nothing to defeat them.

    (*Action scenes abound! *doosh* *doosh* *doosh*)

    If he can only remember why he’s fighting.

    (Dirk walks sadly down a road, alone.)

    Coming soon to a multiplex near you!


    • pinkcheese

      Damnit, the sound effects have me laughing hard enough to tear up. Why did I wear mascara today?



    • foo

      That is awesome! *doosh*

      • Melissa

        Ha, thanks!

        Not bad for a quick thing while my boss wasn’t looking today :)

    • Kristina

      This is hilarious. Though I think the Inception Honk has taken over for the Action Movie Doosh. Because honks make a film *classy*.

  14. Ariana

    There’s no rest for the wicked and this summer, Dirk Venom means to keep it that way. The latest installment in the Dirk Venom dodecalogy pits our hero against the Order of the Golden Turban, an elite cabal of fashionable assassins so good, so dedicated, that they never break – except in their sleep.

    Venom must infiltrate the deadly ring and uncover their plans to enslave the world by bringing mind-controlling Elizbethan neck ruffs back into fashion. After attempts at seduction, coercion, and Diet Coke deprivation fail to crack captured members of the Golden Turban, Venom must team up with former model and current Somnambulist Smybologist Camellia St. Clair to find out the secrets of the order that once tried to recruit her.

    From the runways of the greatest Paris fashion houses, to the favelas of Brazil, the white sand beaches of St. Tropez, and the twisted dreamscapes of the Golden Turban’s subconscious, Venom hunts for truth, justice, and the means to disengage the signal beaming to the gauze collars encircling the throats of millions of the fashion crazed – before the Golden Turban can turn his tools against him and gain entry into his own brain.

    He and Camellia must battle the killer members of the Golden Turban – the world’s most beautiful, most envied, and most deadly – for mind freedom. While fighting seven of the enemy dangling from levitating grappling hooks on the side of the Eiffel Tower, Dirk learns the truth about his only ally and new lady love. Camellia St. Clair is actually Ynes de la Roche, a senior member of the Golden Turban. She has been using their forays into the world of dreams to strip Dirk of his secrets and his memories.

    On the run from the one woman he truly loved, this summer anyway, Dirk must rely on an underground network of former agents, spies, and seamstresses. Communicating soley in a code made up of puns and literary food references, this rag-tag intelligence network has to find a way to make over Helda Groffe, the bespectacled, lab-coat wearing Dream Technician, in order to place her in the Golden Turban – or risk losing their brain independence. Dirk must find a way to place her in the enemy’s ranks, surmount his lingering love for the treacherous Ynes, and top stitch crepe de chine in order to keep the citizens of the world from succumbing to the embroidered satellite dishes slowly taking over their minds. Can he save the world a fifth time or will V truly stand for Vanquished?

  15. Charmella

    It needs to be available on NOOK stat!

  16. Heather

    Maximillian Snit, the evil mastermind the Dirk though he had killed in the first movie (Afraid of the Dirk, has been hiding on a top secret island off the coast of Peru. Though weak from the burns and covered in Tazar scars, he hatches a secret plan to bring back all the enemies Dirk had conquered in the previous movies: Sammy the Shark, Dan Gerous, and the Siamese Twins- Porsche and Beemer. Now Dirk doesn’t have to just beat one enemy, but is up against all five of his arch enemies in a ultimate battle for world domination.

    Across five continent, with five epic battle scenes (included one fought with swords between two battling helicopters), and with five damsels in distress to save (all who have very liberal views when it comes to sharing an action hero), this movie is five times as much action as you’ve ever seen before.

  17. Tineke

    Dirk Venom is retired. And if you think renegade heros can’t retire? Well, you’d be wrong. But his past suddenly comes back to haunt him, as copycats of plots he’s already solved pepper first the nation, and then the world. Venom is pulled back, first just as a consultant but, as cruel twists start to pepper the plots, he becomes more and more involved.

    All becomes clear when he breaks into a safe in an army compound and find a folder on a top secret project; raising the dead.

    He isn’t battling copycats. He’s battling the zombified forms of his previous enemies, funded by the government who were unhappy with his retirement. So with a troupe of angry, ambiguously european psychopaths after him, Venom has to arm himself against his own country to defend his right to retire. Dodging friends-turned-enemies, arch nemeses, and those who would cut his pension, will he succeed?

    Dirk Venom: V Is For Five.

    It’s never too late for a rebound.

  18. foo

    Dirk Venom: V Is For Five

    Dirk Venom is back in this action adventure romp with a romantic twist.

    Watch Dirk as he attempts to vanquish the forces of V.I.L.E.- Villains for Involuntary Lollipop Enslavement- whose nefarious goal is to addict the entire universe to lollipops laced with hallucinogens; making all humanity pliable and suggestive to their wicked ideals. (sold under the trade name: Gotcha Suckers! and also available in sugar free)

    Wince as Dirk innocently ingests a vanilla Gotcha Sucker! and rampages through a Panera Bread devouring and destroying everything in sight, while armed with a Howitzer, C4 and a Swiss Army bread knife. “You’re toasted!” He cries as the Howitzer spews 155mm disintegration.

    Wait breathlessly while Dirk flirts suggestively with Panera vixen Sunflower Tomato-Crostini in conversations full of double entendre and superfluous winkage. Will they consummate this lustful attraction amidst the flour-filled ruins?

    Wiggle in your seat as Dirk finally confronts the leader of V.I.L.E. amidst the dusty plains of the Gotcha Suckers! factory grounds in unnamed West Texas town. Will Dirk have a flashback, rendering his oiled and vital physique useless?

    Whisk yourself to another world with Dirk Venom for the fifth time. A world of romance. A world of extraordinarily high levels of testosterone. A world filled with technicolor where shit blows up a lot.

    See Dirk run with an angry, yet wounded, look on his face! See Sunflower jiggle in terror as she jogs in slo-mo away from the giant mushroom lab experiment gone wrong; the Psilcybinator! See shit blow up! A lot! See Dirk Venom: V is for Five. The summer blockbuster you won’t want to miss!

  19. Alameda Peg

    I have no plot ideas but I just read your answers to Elle’s 10 Questions and I love you both even more than I did before. Which I didn’t think was possible. Yay you.

  20. KelseyA

    Dirk Venom is mountain climbing in Chile when he learns that he has just five hours to save the world. From aliens. Who are planning to assassinate the President of the United States. Who just happens to be Dirk’s lady love, Veronica Liberty!

    Can he do it? Or will these dastardly villains be the antidote to Venom?

  21. Connie

    Dirk Venom can remember his name, his lust for on-again-off-again flame Svetlana Gregorovna, and that he lets his fists do the talking. Everything else has been wiped away due to an overdose of the illegal narcotic “V,” laced into his signature cocktail.

    If only he could remember what his signature cocktail was.

    (Explosion sound effect!)

    Who doped him with V?

    (Explosion sound effect!)

    Why does he have a fresh tattoo of Kermit the Frog on his ankle?

    (Explosion sound effect!)

    Where does Svetlana keep going in those large sunglasses and oversized clothes?

    (Explosion sound effect!)

    Time is running out, and so is Dirk’s patience. Follow him as he journeys from the mean streets of Malibu to the meaner streets of Carmel–protected only by his instincts and a submachine gun. Gasp as he discovers secrets about the shadowy underworld controlled by self-proclaimed Uber-villian Fitzgerald Bater. Shudder as he falls deeper into a tragic addiction to V, pushing Svetlana away when he might need her most of all.

    Will he remember the secret that Fitzgerald tried to make him forget?

    (Rapid fire machine gun sounds!)

    Will he save the day?

    (whine of approaching missile!)

    Will he remember why he woke up wearing a wedding ring?

    (BOOM…goes the dynamite of the sound effects!)

    This summer, Dirk Venom faces his greatest threat yet: uncovering his own identity.

  22. Julia

    Dirk Venom, on vacation after another close scrape with death, should have known that Vienna was the wrong place to come to relax, no matter how much he loves opera. Now he watches from a distance as a grade school is hit by a meteor. “Freak coincidence,” some might say, but not Dirk. He knows better- something is amiss, and it is his job to stop it.
    Mad scientist Dr. Peter von Schnivelputz is trying to destroy life as we know it. Using the help of Chinese space scientists, he manipulated satellite technology to destroy the school so that nobody would notice as he broke into the government building next door. Now Dirk Venom must find out what Dr. von Schnivelputz wanted, and his hunt leads him around the world. But von Schnivy has allies all over, and he is protecting his secret well. Dirk Venom must get to the bottom of this, and his gut tells him that seeing the letter V everywhere isn’t just about his poisonous name. No, von Schnivelputz is planning something big. Lucky Dirk’s love of opera has him well versed in thinking big!
    Come watch as Dirk runs across crumbling bridges, fights corrupt members of airport security, jumps out of helicopters, and enlists a (very sexy) member of mensa in order to track von Schnivelputz down and learn the V is simply for 5, but 5 means so much more…

  23. mojo

    “Molly Dix”?


  24. Michelle

    Dirk Venom is on a dangerous and hair-raising mission to Bangkok in order to incapacitate and bring back a rogue CIA agent with vital information that could become deadly if fallen into the wrong hands. Along the way he stops to visit an old flame, and is shocked to discover she had died and left a five year old child–HIS child–in an orphanage. This provides the perfect cover for Dirk, adorable Thai orphans in tow, to get close to the rogue agent and the dangerous group he or she is involved with. Dirk poses as an American philanthropist (you know, there to Help the Children) and is able to get to the agent only to find that *GASP* it’s his old flame and the mother of his child (played by Maggie Q, probably. You know how Hollywood is about casting people of color)! Can he convince her to come back to the right side? Can they escape the murderous Bangkok gang she had joined (the head of which is her new boyfriend)? Will they reconnect and become… a family?

  25. Christina

    Oooh..this sounds really good! I’ve never read them, but would love to. Thanks for the chance!

  26. Joanne

    Years ago in his mis-spent youth Dirk Venom travelled the world, engaging in extreme sports. From bungee jumping to white water rafting, he chased that adrenalin rush and also chased tail. Or, more precisely, the girls chased him…

    Following a whirlwind romance, he cracked the ice-queen exterior of up-and-coming model Tessa Von Dweisberger. Although very impressed by his abs and bedroom skills, after a single night of passion, she left- never to be seen again!

    Cue the present day: Dirk discovers to his shock that his ex has become the CEO of a major furniure company which is infact, a front to launder money from a major drug ring. Tessa’s enigmatic teen daughter Maya has been kidnapped and held to ransom by one-eyed rival dealer, Smithly Jones. Jones’ money is being spent in nefarious ways… he is supplying arms to U.S. enemies. Once they establish a new regime, he can achieve his boyhood dream of becoming president!

    So many explosions… so many questions… We all know Dirk’s a bad ass, but can he connect with his Maya (who is quite possibly his unknown daughter) and save her from danger? Can he recapture Tessa’s heart? Can he survive carbombs and outrun helicopters from horseback?? How ARE his teeth so impossibly white and perfect!? Can he defeat Smithly and his henchmen and save the free world?? Is he still as hot as in the original Dirk Venom movie?

    You’ll find these answers in *drum roll*…

    V is for Five


  27. NumberSix

    As the result of a rescue mission gone wrong and a newly adopted Eastwood-like hardened cynicism, Dirk Venom has retired…or so he thought. After returning home from his morning I’m -a-regular-SoCal-guy montage (running on the beach with a golden retriever by his side, stopping for a soy half-caf sugar-free coconut mint papaya amaretto latte, set to something by Jack Johnson), Dirk is thrown to the floor by the earth moving under his feet. A call from his former boss informs him this was no earthquake. No, an eeeevil genius has actually moved Earth’s axis so the southwestern United States is in sunlight all day long. Dirk Venom is back in the game, out to stop the eeeevil genius who has disguised himself as one of the animals in one of the zoos and has assembled an eeeevil zoo animal army to assist him in his eeeevil plot to…do…something eeeevil. The problem? The eeeevil army is only distinguishable from the non-eeeevil animals by the fact that they glow in the dark…in an area with 24-hour sunlight. Watch as Dirk mercilessly hacks his way through eeeevil koalas and flamingos, trapping them in dark, windowless rooms and slitting their throats without regard to their respective cuddliness. But will he be able to find the eeeevil genius behind this (somewhat vague) plot and defeat his deadliest foe yet? Because V is for five, but it’s also for…vole.

  28. Indiana

    Dirk Venom wakes up chained to a chair, in a pitch black room. He has no idea how he came to be here, he can’t even remember who he is. A lightbulb is turned on, swinging from the ceiling, and a strange man appears in front of Dirk. He is holding a blade into his hand, approaching in small movements. Suddenly the rotting wooden window on the other side of the room bursts open. A woman with long blonde hair and a black suit stands in the remains of the window. She frees Dirk and together they climb up a ladder into a helicopter flying above the hut they had just been in. The woman greets Dirk with a kiss, asking how he had ended up in the hut. But Dirk didn’t know, he didn’t even know who this woman was.

    Will Dirk be able to remember his true identity before the world is taken over once again by evil mastermind Dr Xavas? Or will he be left to suffer with the rest of the world?

    Find out in Dirk Venom: V is for 5

  29. Jess

    After decades of crime fighting Dirk Venom has learnt to expect the unexpected ,but nothing could prepare him for his latest crisis…love children.5 of them.And each one has been brainwashed by their jilted mothers to seek revenge.Given each mother was a fellow special agent on Venoms past missions,and with his DNA,they are bound to be killing machines.But theyres an even bigger problem:the children have gone public to the woman’s magazines about their fathers abandonment and the world has turned on him! With no woman willing to touch him and jail time a certainty if he harms his kids,how will he defeat his enemies ?And more important to Dirk,will he ever get it in again?!

  30. Abby

    Dirk Venom: V is for Five

    Dirk Venom is back in a sassy tale of revenge and mathematical espionage.
    Venom has finally uncovered who murdered his beloved Grandmother and namesake, Dirkemina Venom VII. Hell bent on revenge against Cornelius Grochenvitch, Venom gets his old gang back together for one last mission.

    The V5 gang of Dirk Venom, sexy mathematician Sloane ‘Square’ Root, ex-felon and thug Garfield Mott, computer hacker Ronnie McRube and the reluctant, retired Taiwanese spy No Iseyu, travel to Izvizzicm in Eastern Russia to find Grochenvitch.

    But when they finally corner Grochenvich (the gripping chase includes an 23-and-a-half minute fiery rollerblade chase, the longest in action movie history), what they discover is more than they bargained for- Grochenvitch has spent his years devising devious mathematical codes, which if entered into the CIA mainframe will release prisoners from jails around the world and turn celery into a carb. As the team readies themselves for one last push to topple Grochenvitch, Venom spots a face in the window of Grochenvitch’s mansion- a young man who has Venom’s distinctive rippling locks and devil-may-care gleam in his eyes- and a shocking family secret is uncovered: Dirk Venom has a long lost brother.

    Can they free Trip Venom (named after Dirk’s eccentric Auntie Trippletta Venom III) , break Cornelius Grochenvitch’s evil mathematical equation and lose five pounds before Saturdays big event?

    If anyone can save his brother and keep the world safe from the clutches of evil and carbs, it’s Dirk Venom- the man who always gets the bad guys, ravages the ladies, and avoids snacking between meals.

  31. Chelsey

    Dirk Venom was all prepared to to take a vacation with his beautiful fiancee, fashion designer Tyra Davenport. In fact, he was on a remote tropical island enjoying his favorite cocktail (who says men can’t drink cosmos?) when he got the call. His former boss Gorian Sankova has gone rogue. And he took four other Venom Headquarters officials with him. (For those who lost count, that’s five.) Dirk immediately knows his next mission: defeat his former teammates.
    That brings about many problems for Dirk Venom. These men know all of his secrets, and they know how Dirk fights. They’re always a step ahead of Dirk as he tries to bring them down. But will his personal feelings for them get in his way? These were his friends. Gorian was set to be his best man. He was betrayed by five co-workers and five bros, and if there’s anything Dirk hates, it’s betrayal. Now that he’s out for revenge, Tyra outfits Dirk in a true fighter’s jumpsuit, and he assembles a new team. Dirk Venom is ready for battle.

    Dirk Venom: V is For Five is bound to be the most thrilling movie in the series. As Dirk assembles a new team and must take down his former friends, Brick Berlin is more emotional than we’ve ever seen him. Jessica Chastain shines in her role as the supportive and zany Tyra Davenport, and Paul Johansson is more devious than ever as he reprises his role of Gorian. Newcomers to the series include Channing Tatum as a stripper with a heart of gold who joins Dirk’s team, Chad Michael Murray as Gorian’s brooding sidekick, and Shailene Woodley as a martial arts instructor who teaches Dirk about fighting and forgiveness. Fans will fall in love with Dirk Venom all over again, for the fifth time. And be on the look out for a cameo appearance by Dame Maggie Smith as Dirk’s tough-as-nails future mother-in-law!

  32. Hanna

    The evil mastermind Dr. Durian has built a memory erasing machine. His first victim? Dirk Venom’s love interest and side kick, Penelope Plum! Dr. Durian captures Penelope and takes her to his evil underground lair that just happens to be under the Eiffel Tower. Penelope fights her hardest but Dr. Durian is just too prepared. It’s like he knows her next move before she does. Dirk must fight his way through henchman, angry mothers,and adoring fans to save his dear Penelope. When he finally gets to Paris, he realizes he’s too late…Dr. Durian has already erased Penelope’s memory, but Dirk sees a flaw in the plan when Dr. Durian reveals himself to be none other than Penelope’s father! Will he be able to throw his daughter off the Eiffel Tower or will Dirk stop him? Find out in the next thrilling movie, Dirk Venom: V is for Five. Coming soon to a theater near you!

  33. Kris

    In the sleepy, seaside hamlet of Prince Edward Island sinister deeds have started being done. The Slate Braker is on the loose. The Slate Braker, having always hoped that Felicity would end up with Noel and not that quiet talker Ben has decided is out to rid the world of all episodes of shows from the former WB channel. The Slate Braker has been searching every continent and finding VCR’s and VHS tapes of any and all WB shows and destroying them by any means possible (and always on the 5th of the month) even if that means the destruction of an entire beloved town!
    It’s the first of May and PEI resident busy body Rachel Lynde has let PEI detective Carrots Cuthbert know that people have been talking… and their beloved WB VHS tapes have started to go missing…. This can only mean one thing… Come May 5th (5/5) PEI will be in the cross-hairs of the sinister Slate Braker. Carrots has called for back-up.
    Enter our own Dirk Venom. Dirk arrives in PEI and quicky is enchanted with the smart, freckled auburn haired mischievous detective Carrots….. but he has to put those feelings aside to help her catch this villainous evil-doer. Finally a “brake” in the case… they catch a glimpse of the Slate Braker on surveillance footage lurking around Lawson’s store. The Slate Braker gives the appearance of being a woman, in disguise as Alexis Colby of Dynasty. Carrots and Dirk realize that the Slate Braker- whose true identity reveals her to be a perfect size 6, blonde with aquamarine eyes who drives a red fiat convertible, has booked herself a room at the luxurious White Sands hotel so they set up a sting operation where they learn that, having determined that PEI is the largest hoarder of former WB shows still in existence, the Slate Braker intends to destroy PEI with the Sweet Valley missile that she and her wealthy benefactor Bruce have devised.
    Carrots and Dirk put aside their growing feelings- ( Carrots long time love, Dr. Blythe, is off saving the lives of fashion victims in a far off land where rompers run rampant and leggins’ serve as pants) and focus and saving PEI. Dirk and Carrots put Operation Chanandaler Bong in place and in the final moments before Slate Braker gives Bruce the launch codes, they capture her! The Slate Braker and her accomplice are in a high security prison located deep in the gloomy forest of Forks, WA.
    The day and the island are saved… and Carrots and Dirk are left to untangle their confused and growing feelings…. But wait.
    Just when you thought it was safe to go back to watching your Felicity, Ruby Gillis the town’s spinster reveals that her WB VHS tapes of Charmed have been taken while the Slate Braker has been in prison!!!!
    How could this be possible??? Carrots and Dirk once again are forced to spend many, many hours together in a tiny tiny van, this time in Operation Kind Touch, where they see another perpetrator who appears to be the exact same size of the Slate Braker- only this one is in disguise as Krystle Carrington—but how can this be? They are looking at a live feed of the Slate Braker in prison! But alas! It is the slate breaker’s equally cunning and beautiful twin sister! (Also a perfect size 6 with blonde hair and aquamarine eyes!)
    It’s May 4th at 11:59:02 pm and there is a bomb about to go off as soon as it turns May 5th
    ……. 03…. 04…….. 05…. 06……..
    …with only Dirk and Carrots to stop the bomb of this second WB crazed madwoman intent on the destruction of PEI before the calendar turns to V— will V stand for PEI being Vaporized on the 5th? Or will Dirk and Carrots emerge V for Victorious on the 5th?
    Will Dirk be Carrots kindred spirit for all eternity?
    Or will the dashing Dr. Blythe return in time to show Carrots he too can show her diamond sunbursts and marble halls?
    V Stands for Five…. Coming soon to a theater near year (also available in 3D)

  34. caroline

    In the city of Rome, an evil has begun to emerge. The government official Vick Wryth has thought of a plot to erase the Italian debt crisis. A desperate man with a lot of money and connections to powerful people, he hatches a plan to lower the citizen count: a bomb. The 5 series, which bombs the span of exactly 50 miles. He plots to blow up the poorest area in Italy, erasing the need for the government to aid them financially. Additionally, he would appear calm, controlled, and helpful immediately after a “terrorist attack”.

    Enter Dirk Venom, who has retired from a life of saving lives to a life of assisting them as a government official. But old habits die hard. He can’t stop suspecting something suspicious about Vick. He’s finally settled down with a serious girlfriend, who knows nothing of his past. But the more he watches Vick, the more he knows it’s time to act. When he finally realizes Vick’s plan, he has one last passionate kiss with his girlfriend…and then disappears. He is now a missing person. His girlfriend makes some calls, and now the entire Italian police force is searching for him.

    After a short while of hitchhiking through Italy, a team of cops encounters him, only doing their job…or so he thinks. Not wanting to hurt supposedly well-intentioned men, he knocks out three with a roundhouse kick and shoots two in the legs, but suddenly 12 more appear out of nowhere…only these aren’t dressed as cops. Dirk suddenly realizes this is an ambush. He tries to escape, and makes it out with a large gash on his chest and a very sore bicep.

    After a full day of walking, and 2 more attacks, he comes across a lovely woman in a small home near the countryside. Hoping to get a place to stay, he flirts with her, and they eventually kiss, though his heart is still with the woman he left. She loans him her bed. Right before he drifts off to sleep, he uses a truth serum to make sure she’s safe to stay the night with. She confesses she’s dating someone that is plotting to blow up Italy. But…Vick was single: this he KNEW. Then, in a half dazed state, she confesses she’s in a relationship with …the president! He plans to use an extremely potent bomb only 5 miles from Vick’s…a bomb that could demolish the entire upper half of Italy. And there’s a twist…Dirk learns that the president is the one who’s been sending the men, the president knows he’s coming, and…the president has Dirk’s beloved held hostage.

    Now Dirk has to stop two men on two deadly missions. If anyone can stop the series 5 bomb, nuclear bomb, and get the girl, it’s Dirk Venom. Because in Rome…5 is a V, and V… is the first letter of victory.


  35. Erin

    Thinking his life of crime fighting was behind him, Dirk Venom hung up nunchucks and holstered his gun – all to live with his new partner in love, Velvet LeBlanc. Together, they settled into a life of anonymity in a small New England town; he teaching mediation and yoga; she working in the local library. But their vacation from crime was cut short when Erik VanderPacey and his band of prep school zombies escaped the confines of their ivy covered walls to descend upon the residents of Westerhampville.

    In V is for Five, Dirk and Velvet partner with local crime fighters Sherry Tequila, Vince DePants and Lilo Swag to create their very own Fox Force Five and take on this not-so-merry-band of prep-zombies before their brain eating spreads south and takes over New York City. With Rihanna as Velvet, Emma Watson as Sherry, Peter Dinklage as Vince and Maggie Smith as Lilo. James Van Der Beek joins the cast as a creepy zombified version of his Dawson’s Creek self, leading the zompocalypse of popped-collar polo-wearing undead.

  36. Chris Nelson

    In a shocking twist that sends our favorite world-saving hero to the Carpathians, V is for VAMPIRE! Count Dracula is real, and he’s really mad for Dirk’s blood. Trapped in the subterranean dungeons of the world’s only REAL bloodsucker, Dirk must fight his way through zealous zombies, rabid rate, bloodthirsty bats, and worst of all, vampiric vixens sent to tempt our hero into Sins of the Flesh(eaters)!

    Will Dirk double date the dead?

    Will Dirk’s “dirk” win the day?

    Will the looming crash of the Euro drive Dracula into the poorhouse?

  37. Susanne

    V is for Five-
    Dirk Venom in a Dynasty Mash-Up!

    Dirk Venom, now a burnt out shell of his former world-saving self, is hitchhiking across the country. Somewhere in Colorado, he accepts the wrong ride, and wakes tied up in a fourposter bed on silk sheets. In sashayes a gorgoeous creature in a golden dressing gown- Alexis Carrington (played by Joan Collins, naturellement). While sipping her morning champagne, Alexis explaines her reasons for kidnapping Dirk. He is the only man masculine enough to execute her master plan- to seduce Krystle (played by Cate Blanchett) away from Blake Carrington once and for all. If Dirk refuses Alexis will unleash a virus that will crash the Internet. Yep, all of it, including Dirks own Facebook page.

    Terrified, our hero sets out to save us all. Car chases, golf court explosions, computer hacking, big guns & bigger hats follow. Also an accidental seduction of Sammy Jo (played by Miley Cyrus) on a bear skin rug in front of a roaring fire (obvs). Weird sexual tension occurs between Dirk and Blake Carrington, which is both explained and a surprise twist, when it turns out Blake is played by Tilda SWINTON.

    Will Internet be saved? Will Dirk come to terms with his conflicting emotions (was he really physically attracted to a woman over 40?!!)? Will Alexis bitchslap Krystle, Sammy Jo AND Dirk? Can you fit a diamond encrusted turban in a golf cart? FInd out this summer in “V is for Five”!

  38. gigi

    pity it’s not MESSI — I’ll take HIM ;D

  39. Elizabeth

    When ninjas kidnap the President’s mom, who ya gonna call? When the bomb is overhead and the midden hits the windmill, whose digits are ya gonna punch? When the aliens are swarming the streets of America and the WORLD is on fire, who ya gonna get on the blower to sort it all out? To be honest, probably somebody with ‘Will’ in either their first or last name. But if the crisis is devious dames, high-stakes covert international skulduggery, adorable orphans, buried treasure, and a race up the Nile to save both the missing microchip AND the tough-as-nails ex-madam-and-defected-Soviet army paratrooper with a taste for single-malt whisky, a heart of gold, and a knack for shoulder massage—YOU. CALL. BRICK. BERLIN. THAT’S WHO. {explosions} Coming in November.

  40. Cara

    After a freak accident involving radiation, Dirk Venom has acquired super human powers. He is being poked and prodded my doctors eager to get a glance of this experiment gone wrong. Meanwhile, the hole in the ozone layer grows larger and larger by the day. It exposes the world population to the Sun’s poisonous C rays! People are dropping dead by the hour, and scientists cannot seem to figure out how to save these innocent lives. With his newfound powers, can Dirk manage to repair the damage and save mankind? Or will he crack under the pressure?

  41. brittnee guidry

    dirk venom has just found out about an evil circus plot involving a bomb and megan fox. he has to go undercover in the clown act in order to foil the evil plan. enter megan, an innocent trapeze artist who has no idea that she is about to be blown to bits. can dirk save her and the world he’s always known???

  42. almostbluefin

    The camera opens on a tight shot of a hand, slowly writing a message with an old fashioned quill pen across a sheet of tan parchment. The hands, in lacy cuffs, fold the corners of the message together and drop a blob of red sealing wax across the seams. Below the seal, the dark writing spells ‘five’, or does it? Pulling back from the shot, we see a mirror reflection of the letter, and ‘five’ in reverse spells ‘evil’.

    This time, Dirk Venom is fighting a powerful ancient sect that believes modern society has gone too far. Each of the evil five leaders has plan to send the planet back to the dark ages, where they can again rule with an iron fist. Tressida Crane (Helen Mirren) owns the Global Power Syndicate, but she’d rather shut off the world’s electricity and live by candlelight again. Conveniently, she also controls the global supply of wax. Jack Barron (Ben Kingsley) runs Lieber Pharmaceuticals, but thinks people might be living a bit too long these days. Caroline Xiu-Sigorsky (Lucy Liu) has never met a satellite she likes. Good think she has the missiles to shoot them down. Producer Mike Hayward (Nick Cage) is crazy about books, but not about Kindles, Nooks, or iPads. If you think paper is flammable you’ve never seen Hollywood burn.

    And then there’s the one known only as “C”, who ties the plans together with handwritten notes and dark red ribbons. The mastermind behind it all – none of the other four have ever met “C”. Where is he or she? Are they hiding in plain sight? Legend has it that “C”‘s hundredth message will start the plan in motion, and the National Agency for Secret Interceptions has just intercepted #99. Can Dirk Venom be in five places at once? Will this riddle be solved before the lights go out, FOREVER?

  43. Ashley Kei

    As Dirk Venom gazes upon the five rings of the 2012 London Olympics, he swears before God and Queen to do everything in his power as head of security to protect the citizens of the continents the rings represent. Little did he know the threats he would protect them from would be not of this world. As the world is tuned in to the opening ceremony, members of an alien race chose that moment to make their descent onto mankind. The aliens stand center ring and announce that they are performing a cleansing and are going to give the Earth the superior beings that it deserves. Luckily Dirk Venom has an idea that will either make him a hero… or doom them all. He suggests an Olympics of the universe pitting Earth’s most athletic and brilliant humans against the otherworldly beings in the usual Olympic events (running, swimming), while also testing their combat, intelligence, and problem solving. Can Dirk keep the peace between two waring races? Should the humans win, will the aliens keep their word and leave in peace? Or will Venom’s solution be the end of the world as we know it? Only time will tell in Dirk Venom: V is for 5.

  44. TonyG

    Dirk Venom: V is for Five

    Our hero, Dirk Venom, finds himself in Rome on a mission to prevent the assassination of the new Pope.

    Formerly known as Cardinal Ivan Kvetchalotta, the Pope has undergone gender reassignment surgery to become the first female prelate, affectionately called Ivana by the faithful.

    The Pope, who has forced through five controversial reforms – including the retrofitting of all wooden pews with memory foam for comfort – has been kidnapped by an ancient secret order of Roman Catholics, The Gibsonistas, known for vigorous opposition to any “coddling of the faithful.”

    The Gibsonistas have kidnapped the pope and threatened to force her to transition back to male, film her death by crucifixion as cinéma vérité, and release it as Passion of The Christ II: This Time It’s Live.

    Will the Gibsonistas succeed and release their gruesome film upon the world? Or, will Dirk Venom find Pope Ivana Kvetchalotta alive and rescue the day? Godspeed Dirk!

  45. Kara M

    The world has been taken over by creatures that look like E.T. It is now up to Dirk and his daughter Valerie, who could care less about all the chaos surrounding her. Her father however ropes her into a plan to destroy these creatures once and for all. This is a story of adventure, humor and even a little bit of romance when Vanessa falls for a cute boy named Ryan. This movie is for anyone who loves a little bit of everything.