Jessica Biel: The Fugstory

Sometimes at GFY HQ, when we’re not trying on our Grinch suits or objectifying dudes in Hollywood whom we might need to hire to open our mail (Hamm, do you own a letter-opener?), we sit around and ponder important questions. Like, remember when Jessica Biel was just that girl from the mushy Brenda Hampton show that clutched its pearls about teen sex? And now she’s wearing couture and dating Justin Timberlake. How did that happen? How does a girl go from The WB to dating and re-dating and re-re-dating Hollywood’s most eligible bachelor while serving as a utility player in Garry Marshall’s sprawling and inane ensemble “comedies” in 50 outfits or less? The answer: She doesn’t; this is 52 and I even edited it quite a bit. Still, Shailene Woodley, who is kind of Biel 2.0 in the sense that she TOO is on a Brenda Hampton show that clutches its pearls about teen sex, should take notes for the day she ends up wearing couture and dating Justin Timberlake.

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Comments (70):

  1. silly philly

    Would Hamm need a letter opener?? Hell, I’d let him open mail with his teeth…just sayin’…

    • Anne B

      I doubt I’d put Hamm on something as mundane (and unphysical) as opening mail.

      I’d be more like, “Hamm, these curtains aren’t gonna hang themselves.”

  2. ortenzia

    a friend of mine went out with her and she said that jessica biel was genuinely nice and a good person… which is why she always frustrates me. you need personality (cameron diaz) or an interesting look (camilla belle) to wear clothes like these. jessica biel always looks like she’s trying to be pretty and nothing else — hence the on the nose shoes and accessories and the same soft-eyed, shoulders back, pageant posing.

    sigh. she needs to do two things, always keep her hair brown and make a decision: go pretty and never look back or start reving up her weirdo self so these clothes stop wearing her.

  3. tlace

    OMG HER SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOES. I can’t believe how many boring/orthopedic/bridal-type shoes shes owns. UGH.

    • Fuh Ugh

      I don’t know … I didn’t quite get the reason for the degree of shoe hatred. I was just glad they weren’t hooves.

      • Samantha

        I didn’t think the shoes were *that* terrible, either–regular girl shoes rather than movie star shoes, maybe.

  4. MMB

    Her body in that tight gray dress….I am so jealous….

  5. Stefanie

    “Gretchen, stop trying to make Jessica Biel happen! It’s not going to happen!”

  6. Krusticle

    How does such a beautiful actress with a somewhat decent career have such bad taste in clothes, make-up, hair and shoes? Oh, the shoes!!! Girl, bite the bullet and get a stylist.

  7. Emily

    I thought a lot of these outfits were more meh than bad. I mostly just noticed how incredibly pretty she really is.

  8. cham

    Does she not own a mirror? It’s incredible how a bad outfit can make such a beautiful woman look so consistently BLAH.

    But her face truly has not aged a day since she was 15. We may need to add her to that list of Civil War vampires with John Travolta.

    • Lindy

      And Nicolas Cage and Johnny Depp, now too. Those things have to be fake.

  9. Meredith

    These retrospectfugs really show what a tragic shoe era the 90s-early 2000s was.

    Re: Biel, for a “fashion girl” she really does not wear couture well. It never looks natural or effortless.

  10. Libby

    Clearly, Anne Hathaway has been sabotaging Jessica Biel’s via her stylist for years. How else can she explain having such a fabulous body that is so poorly served by her wardrobe?

  11. Eliza Bennett

    Why is every comment italicized? Jessica Biel has tons of potential. She’s got the same strong-pretty face as Hilary Swank. A really angular haircut and more sharply tailored clothes would really make her stand out. I always forget how beautiful–straight up gorgeous–she is, because I’m squalling about how bad her hair is or how dull her clothes are. The early 2000s were a dark time.

  12. Eliza Bennett

    she needs to look older. The wimpy-pretty dresses and curly limp hair are about trying to look 19….

  13. Cold Cup of Fug

    Her hair and make up are consistently awful. Ever since she said her career has been ruined by her beauty I find her insufferable. Especially as in the world of Hollywood she’s actually rather plain. Face it Biel, you just can’t act and you have the charisma of a lettuce leaf. She really needs a style team to sort her look out, it’s worked for others.

    • rvc

      Hold on, did she really say that? That she was too beautiful to land a role? What possible good could have come of that? Oh, wait…

  14. Karen

    Wow. That was, like, Exhibits A through AY on why I do NOT understand all the fuss about Jessica Biel.

    An aggressively ordinary-looking woman (not exciting enough to be beautiful, not interesting enough to be quirky) in dreadful Look-At-ME! clothes and dreadful hair. And precious little acting talent, to boot.

  15. Anne B

    … one green hat short of a stoplight!

    Heather, I DIE. <3

  16. VicksieDo

    Now see, she has just as slammin a bod as Halle Berry, but she is no where near the style beauty of Halle. Halle RULES!

  17. Erin

    Can we talk about how Jessica Biel looks identical to Amanda Knox? especially in the first picture with the hat?

  18. Erin

    I just… she just… how is it possible to be so stunningly gorgeous and yet look so terrible most of the time?! As one of the world’s not gorgeous, I’m not sure whether this should give me hope or send me reeling into despair.

    And lord, she’s just so dull. More charm in a paper sack.

  19. cmc

    Almost looks like she starved away most of her curves. Shame, that was a hell of a beautiful body. Still is, but was better.

  20. Donna

    I just can’t agree that Timberlake is “Hollywood’s Most Eligible Bachelor.” He’s a B-list man-child!

  21. Heather

    I am not a fan either, but he is certainly considered to be eligible by the rest of this town.

  22. Heather

    Er, I mean, most eligible.

  23. annieD

    In light of the fact that I vehemently disagree with you on whether we should include theatrical outfits a la Gaga as “fug”, I think that Biel may be one of the worst-dressed starlets in Hollywood. Pretty, pretty girl. Bad, bad dresser. She’s like a less-depressed Mischa Barton.

  24. Kit

    Wow. I thought Jessica dressing badly was a recent thing, but it turns out – it just her thing. Full stop.

  25. Al

    Jessica Biel has the single best publicist in the history of Hollywood, because I can’t think of a single good or memorable performance/movie/anything she has done that would explain why she is invited anywhere, let alone the Oscars. Too bad she doesn’t have the stylist to match.

  26. Isabel

    It’s weird that she looks great in the movies she does and so blah on the carpet. She was SO gorgeous in Easy Virtue (and good!), she really lit it up and I totally believed she could unhinge a whole family just by being there.

    If only she would stick to vintage 30′s dresses as in that film, she would have jaws dropping everywhere!

  27. Isabel
    • Mahastee

      That whole scene had me in a rage of envy, her figure is AMAZING! Good movie, too :)

  28. vandalfan

    Al speaks for me. Who IS this pretty person who I have only seen here? I didn’t watch CW, and her other … TV? Movie? Stage? performances escape me. Wiki doesn’t help much but says she “kept up” with other actors, and that she can sing. Perhaps she should focus on that.

  29. liaso

    You should see The Illusionist. It’s a good movie, even if it didn’t explain something that I really wanted explained at the end. Biel is good in the movie, although not great. (She doesn’t take away from the film the way Katie Holmes brought down Batman Begins.) Paul G and Edward N are really good in it.

  30. Kylie

    I hate how much weight she has lost from her 7th Heaven days to now. It was weight she didn’t need to lose.

  31. Tara Misu

    Whenever I see her I zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz …. see I nod off. She’s so blah and boring. I can’t believe I never noticed her shoes either :D Fug. There were a few outfits that were great, too bad she can’t keep the momentum up.

  32. exquisite red

    Wow. I can’t believe a girl who has that kind of natural beauty manages to make herself look so blehhhh. But like Halle (since we just saw her fugstory), time has been good to her; other than some possible questionable lip work, everything else looks wonderful in regards to Biel’s face/body. She needs a good stylist, or at the very least, a tailor. I feel so many of these looks would be so much better if they at least showed off the bangin’ body that she’s clearly put work into maintaining. Remember how hot her ass looked in the Valentino 1.0? (You didn’t post that shot, but I can’t imagine a girl who wouldn’t have been jealous of that!) She needs to aim for stuff that flatters that figure!

  33. Sarah

    Can we make requests for these retrospectives (Fugospectives?)? If so, I request the Gos, just so I can look at lots of pictures of him…

  34. Veronica

    Oh man, ugly shoes are like my Achilles Heel. I can handle a few misses occasionally (we all have them), but a constant barrage of ugly footwear is just depressing.

  35. anny

    #36: Valentine? Bloody tissue. Carrieville.

  36. Mahastee

    I thought she was good in The Illusionist and LOVED her in Easy Virtue. Anyway, I haven’t seen her other stuff, but I don’t think she’s talent-less or bland at all. But she obviously lacks fashion-sense. For example, I don’t understand why she went from the 07 Valentino (hot!) to the 2011 Valentino (what?).

    I love a bold print, so #14 is a win. Her hair is a bit brassy, but otherwise – love.

    Ditto for the gold of #46. One of the few to really show off her amazing physique. She is not one of these actresses who credits ‘good genes’. She admits she has to work out HARD and basically live on egg whites and celery to look that way. So I do wish she’d hire a ruddy good stylist, already. And ditch that pop-singer, he makes her hair all greasy.

  37. Tafadhali

    I’m less weirded out by the fact that she appears not to have aged since 15, and more weirded out by the fact that she still looked early 20s-ish when she was 15. She looks like an older actress playing a teenager on a TV show, which is odd since she was…a teenager playing a teenager…on a TV show.

  38. Jolene

    Oh, come on! She’s lovely! And possibly very nice. Surely, there’s something more than her pretty face and fabulous figure that keeps Justin coming back for more.

  39. Jules

    I love the idea of fug stories this year!
    But I wish they had dates.
    I mean, bad is bad; and good fashion is timeless.
    But it would help to put the fug in perspective…

    • Dani

      They do have dates? The headings on each page? Or do you mean full dates, not just month and year?

      • Jules

        Wow, I don’t even know how I missed that!
        It must be my lazy eye. My bad!

  40. Christian

    Stealth is so, so, hilariously awful, thank you for mentioning it.

  41. KatInEurope

    Oh Jess.
    What she needs to realise is that she has a sea of fans who just wish she’d chuck Timberlake, stuff proper acting and go back to lifting weights and shooting monsters like she did in Blade 3. Many, many ladies who lift weights have her in that film as their pin-up.
    The shoulders! The arms!!
    Roll on Total Recall!!!
    However, after Blade 3, she did an interview with a Conde Nast mag (Self? Glamour?) saying that she’d had implants, then they had encapsulated (giving Blade 3 a lot of continuity problems as her boobs kept changing shape), so she had them taken out after the film. Think I still have this copy somewhere, but the interview is impossible to find online. So it is unlikely that she has a Dorian Gray picture in the attic…

    No excuse for the shoes though.

  42. Ms. Chanandler Bong

    I’m clutching my pearls right now!

  43. Ladyblahblah

    I would like to thank Jessica Biel for giving myself, my stepdaughter, and my mother an opportunity to bond last week. I don’t have cable so the TV offerings between sporting events were pretty sparse, which explains why we ended up watching something called “Summer Catch” starring Jessica Biel and Freddie Prinze, Jr. On that day, three generations of women with very diverse tastes and opinions put our differences aside and joined together as one to ridicule the horrible, horrible acting (and also to lament that we didn’t get even 2 numbers in the genetic lottery that she so obviously won). Thanks again, Jessica!

  44. Moi

    I don’t’ think I’ve ever seen an uglier collection of shoes in my life. And it seems highly possible from these photos that she actually wore the same exact pair of black peep toe shoes for at least four to five years there! Horrible, horrible. And is it just me or is she beginning to look an awful lot like Kate Beckinsale?

  45. TonyG

    The utter breadth of her fuggery is impressive. It’s not just one type, but it’s all over the map. I am, I guess, in awe. She clearly is trying to be fashion-conscious, but, oh my, her choices leave me flabbergasted.

  46. ccm800

    Really> FIFTY fotos of one of THE dullest gals in tinseltown?

  47. Sajorina

    La Biel is one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen… She’s GORGEOUS!!! She has an amazing body, a beautiful face, perfect skin and great hair! But, sartorially she’s all over the place… Sometimes I love what she’s wearing and sometimes I hate it, but I’m never indiferent about it; I just wish she found a look that works for her and sticks with it! I love her hair brown & long, her natural porcelain skin color and clothes that are metallic, sparkly, jewel-toned… She shines in those gorgeous dresses and I want to see her wear more stuff like that!

  48. witjunkie

    Moi – YES, Kate Beckinsale. Also for her thing of suddenly showing up at big events wearing big gowns and nobody is sure why; and for insisting in being in movies in which she doesn’t seem to fit.

    I’ve always assumed Biel was a stubborn sort of contrary person. I’m sure this impression was formed during the 7th Heaven brouha when she wanted out of her contract and they said, ‘um, no, it’s why we have these things called contracts,’ so she acted out like an angry teenager – which I guess is what she was…anyway, it makes me wonder if she does have people in her life going, seriously, those shoes? and she says, F You, yes these shoes! Nobody is going to tell ME what to wear or what movies to be in or who to date or how to manage my career! Which – I get, be who you are, but with her it seems to be reactive rather than organic. Or…like she’s trying to be something she isn’t. I don’t know. Her shoes really are like a symbol of her whole persona.

  49. Emily

    I always kind of liked 7th Heaven. My sister and I, who were actually bad, loved watching the “fake” bad Mary Camden. It was hilarious. Biel is an absolutely gorgeous girl. I don’t think she’s a great actress, but she’s not so bad that it offends me that she gets roles, either. I liked her in Easy Virtue and the Illusionist. I find her totally inoffensive generally, but I don’t understand why she doesn’t get a stylist. It’s not that hard, really. She’ll never be an Oscar-winner, I suspect, but she could at least look like a million bucks on the red carpets. She could, too, because she really is beautiful.

  50. Eden

    This woman cannot dress! Get a good stylist. Oy vey……

  51. Ann

    She dresses like she’s insane.

  52. jlj

    A rumor hath surfaced that Timberlake asked her to marry him this past week. It’s a rumor from a jeweler, which is both hilarious and interesting.

    So. Perhaps hanging in there was the way to go there?

    Anyway, she’s so pretty. She needs a better stylist stat. And frankly, she needs a better agent. She’s not spectacularly talented, but she’s not godawful either, in the few things that she’s done well. She just needs to make better choices all around.

  53. Christina

    Here’s the thing – I’ve always liked Jessica Biel. I think she is a genuinely nice person and gets trampled on by people who aren’t. Which is a shame, because judging by Easy Virtue, in which she totally held her own against Colin Firth and Kristin Scott Thomas, I think she actually is a decent actress, at least with the right director. I really wish she would stop being so nice all the time, get a new stylist, find a new publicist and dump Justin. He’s not going to stop cheating, even if he does marry her. Life’s to short to put up with that kind of sh*t.

  54. jlj

    ::raising eyebrows:: I hadn’t heard he was a Cheating Cheater Who Cheats. If that’s true, then sure, she shouldn’t get married to him, date him or even call him on the phone. Cheaters rarely change their spots, so to speak. (I think I just murdered that saying.)

    I think she’s a decent actress, too, but doesn’t always make the best choices in determining her career. And she needs a good stylist. Heck, she’s got an amazing body. How hard could it be to style her? I have a sneaking suspicion she styles herself.

  55. Sandra

    Borrrring! Next?

  56. Caroline Keller

    Am I the only one noticing the heinous leather pants from the first and second photos are the same?

  57. Donna

    I just don’t understand the interest in J. Biel. I don’t think she’s a good actress, she can’t dress herself, and to my eyes she looks like a horse. A nice horse, maybe, but not even an attractive horse.

    I think she also needs to dump Timberlake — obviously, I don’t know the entire story, but the press makes it look like he’s jerking her around and she’s letting him, and no matter what kind of horse she resembles, she deserves better than being jerked around by a serial cheater.

  58. electric

    she’s not as flamboyantly fug as some of the regulars on this blog, but she is consistent. Over the years it has been a steady flow of solid fuggery. I’ll give her that. And I like dress #49.