Watching Eurovision this year (for our past coverage, and a primer on what the heck it is, click here; you will fall in love) made me realize Stefon from Saturday Night Live should do the ad campaign: “Europe’s hottest telecast is: EUROVISION. It. Has. EVERYTHING: Crying nipples, man boats, vests, rapping accountants, baked goods, and entrailing — you know, that thing where you take your colon and make a bong out of it.” The slideshow is long, but it is mighty. Stay the course. You will not be sorry. Also, you must follow up by screening the following performances on YouTube: Montenegro, Russia, Turkey, and Moldova, with a bonus shout-out to Lithuania if you’ve got the time. It will change your life. I’m totally hiring Russia for my next party.

And finally, my annual plea: SOMEBODY PLEASE AIR THIS, AHEM, BBC AMERICA, I AM LOOKING IN YOUR DIRECTION, although frankly if Spike TV or NBC Sports wanted to step up it’d be just fine. Internet streaming is not the same. I need to be on my couch, drinking cocktails, clutching at my loved ones, and screaming the full spectrum of human emotion.