Watching Eurovision this year (for our past coverage, and a primer on what the heck it is, click here; you will fall in love) made me realize Stefon from Saturday Night Live should do the ad campaign: “Europe’s hottest telecast is: EUROVISION. It. Has. EVERYTHING: Crying nipples, man boats, vests, rapping accountants, baked goods, and entrailing — you know, that thing where you take your colon and make a bong out of it.” The slideshow is long, but it is mighty. Stay the course. You will not be sorry.¬†Also, you must follow up by screening the following performances on YouTube: Montenegro, Russia, Turkey, and Moldova, with a bonus shout-out to Lithuania if you’ve got the time. It will change your life. I’m totally hiring Russia for my next party.

And finally, my annual plea: SOMEBODY PLEASE AIR THIS, AHEM, BBC AMERICA, I AM LOOKING IN YOUR DIRECTION, although frankly if Spike TV or NBC Sports wanted to step up it’d be just fine. Internet streaming is not the same. I need to be on my couch, drinking cocktails, clutching at my loved ones, and screaming the full spectrum of human emotion.