Fug the Fab: Eurovision 2012


Watching Eurovision this year (for our past coverage, and a primer on what the heck it is, click here; you will fall in love) made me realize Stefon from Saturday Night Live should do the ad campaign: “Europe’s hottest telecast is: EUROVISION. It. Has. EVERYTHING: Crying nipples, man boats, vests, rapping accountants, baked goods, and entrailing — you know, that thing where you take your colon and make a bong out of it.” The slideshow is long, but it is mighty. Stay the course. You will not be sorry. Also, you must follow up by screening the following performances on YouTube: Montenegro, Russia, Turkey, and Moldova, with a bonus shout-out to Lithuania if you’ve got the time. It will change your life. I’m totally hiring Russia for my next party.

And finally, my annual plea: SOMEBODY PLEASE AIR THIS, AHEM, BBC AMERICA, I AM LOOKING IN YOUR DIRECTION, although frankly if Spike TV or NBC Sports wanted to step up it’d be just fine. Internet streaming is not the same. I need to be on my couch, drinking cocktails, clutching at my loved ones, and screaming the full spectrum of human emotion.

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Comments (117):

  1. Chris Lemon
    0

    Slideshow fails without Mr. Lordi!

    • Heather
      +2

      Mr. Lordi was there? I didn’t see ANY evidence of that — I used the Eurovision Web site and You Tube and nada. That’s unfair.

      • Heather
        0

        Oh, I see — he awarded the points. You have to understand, I am putting this together from YouTube clips of the performances.

        • kalua
          0

          Oh that’s a shame really because you missed some hillarious comments from Graham Norton!

      • Chris Lemon
        0

        Yeah, exactly, Mr. Lordi was the Sweden correspondent when they were dishing out points. (Which as a former TV guy was AWESOME in a these-people-have-no-idea-how-to-do-this-live-shot way, if you can find more video of that, totally worth a look.) Not that my afternoon hadn’t already totally been made with the Babushkas, Turkey, a drunk Englebert in the “green room”, AND Jedward, but a Mr. Lordi appearance was totally the cherry on top of a delicious sundae. That was my first live Eurovision, and I will ABSOLUTELY be back next year.

        (My initial comment was issued with nothing but great affection. Love you guys. :))

  2. Claire
    0

    FABULOUS coverage as always! I got to watch Eurovision in Vienna while studying abroad and it may have been the greatest night of television I had ever witnessed. I just remember being out of the room for a second and my roommate yelling “GET BACK IN HERE THERE ARE KNITTING BRIDES.”

    • Fat Desdemona
      0

      I might steal this part of your life and make it my own. I love your tale!

  3. FurryPurry
    0

    It gets better (or worse depending on your location/love of camp). We actuallly have three nights of Eurovision. with two semi-finales with even more madness, questionable outfits and hilariously bad performances to warm us up for the big one.

    And if moving to Europe isn’t an option, Australia gets Eurovision on the telly too!

    • Heather
      0

      Yeah, some of these were from the semis — when I was a kid, it was ALL ONE NIGHT, and they’ve changed it now. Probably for the better but I do kind of miss the butt-numbing marathons.

  4. Jo
    0

    I heard that Engelbert Humperdinck was older than 22 of the COUNTRIES that took part. Not performers, but the actual countries.
    Made my day.

    • Heather
      0

      He was supposed to be the oldest performer ever, and then Russia swept in with the grannies, so he got stuck with “oldest MALE performer ever.” Jessica just said, “I hope they hooked up later.”

  5. Klingeling
    0

    Incidentally, the dress of the French singer is by Gaultier.

    This year, ESC was far too normal, I miss all the crazies.

    • The Fugger
      0

      Yeah. I mean, yes, manboat, but even the Ukraine’s entry was mildly restrained by their standards. And if the Ukraine does anything, they bring the crazy (two words: Verka Serduchka).

  6. Katie
    0

    Yeah you guys are really missing out in the States, in England it’s cause for an awesome annual party. Definitely one of my favourite nights of the year. I’m not sure which stream you watch over there, but our BBC coverage is amazing because of the hilarious and scathing commentary that we get (we don’t take it quite as seriously as the rest of Europe!); it’s even more entertaining than the acts themselves, if you can believe it.

    • Heather
      0

      It’s great. I only was a kid when I lived there so I just saw it all on VHS the next morning. I didn’t watch the live feed; I had to watch the acts piecemeal, no commentary, which is a shame. I just really need us to all see the BBC feed the whole way through, on my TV. US commentators would ruin it. I really think BBC America is failing its expats.

  7. Kirsten
    0

    I thought the Albanian woman had the collar of an evil Disney queen.

    The UK will never win Eurovision again, even if we sent in Take That fronted by the reanimated zombie corpse of Freddie Mercury, because most of the voting is political. The Balkan nations vote for each other, the former USSR nations vote for each other, the Scandinavians vote for each other… Cyprus and Malta used to vote for us, but even they don’t bother now. The UK is loathed across Europe because a) we stayed out of the Euro and b) we got involved in illegal wars.

    We don’t care though – it’s not like anyone actually cares about the music. We just love the surreal nonsense spectacle of it all.

    • Heather
      0

      Exactly! I feel like, ESPECIALLY given all that, the UK needs to pull out something TOTALLY CRACKBALLS. Because IT’S EUROVISION.

      • Sophia
        0

        Come now, Sweden won, and yet Norway came last..surely that proves that the bloc-voting has pretty much zero-impact on the results? Sweden’s song was pretty epic, and the deserved winner..the UK needs to quit the whole “If I can’t win I’m going home and taking my ball with me” attitude.

        • Heather
          0

          My point wasn’t that I agree with the argument, but that because THEY believe it, they should just start pulling out all the crazy stops.

        • Kirsten
          0

          Don’t get me wrong, I don’t give a monkey’s that we lost. I don’t care who wins. I don’t watch it for the winning and losing, I watch it for the fairies unicycling round singing garden gnomes.

        • Alison
          0

          Seriously, its hardly that, the UK hasn’t expected to come close to winning in about 30 years! We’re just happy if we don’t come last. We don’t exactly take it seriously!
          However it would be nice if just once the countries voted entirely on merit instead of doling out votes to their neighours regardless. The block voting does get a bit tiresome,

    • European
      0

      The UK really has to stop that awful xenophobic sulking about the political block voting. Of course there is neighbour voting, but that will only bolster your votes up to a very limited point. The winners are those that get votes from everybody. Did Germany win the year before last because it is such a universally loved country throughout Europe? Surely not.

    • Saoirse
      0

      That’s really not true, the mid-table voting is political but the eventual winning song wins because it’s the most full of win!

      Sweden were the run-away winners this year because they took a well-sung club anthem and presented it in a striking, unexpected way (i.e. interpretative tai chi snow dance via The Matrix/The Ring, not the usual tits & teeth jobbie). The camera work was good too, loads of close shots, so I think the audience connected well with the act.

      The UK needs to stop acting like wallies and get their act together if they want a chance of winning. You can’t have your cake and eat it (as Ireland, my own country, found out when we sent a singing turkey puppet in a shopping trolley). Either you want to act above it, send a rubbish, uninspiring act, don’t complain when nothing comes of it and enjoy the pisstaking (nothing wrong with that). Or you try hard and send an amazing act with an amazing song who has a chance of winning.
      And enjoy the pisstaking, which is of course, completely obligatory.

      Might sound weird but I feel Ireland has had two good Eurovision years with Jedward. They were fun and bouncy with catchy disposable songs and mad costumes. It would have been great if they’d won on either occasion but not the end of the world if they didn’t, as most of the country enjoyed their weird little selves for what they were.

      Was waiting with bated breath for this post, Fug Girls, so thanks for taking the time to compile it :)

      • openroses
        0

        You all should hire this commenter for GoFug:Europe.

        • European
          0

          I support this nomination!

        • Saoirse
          0

          Jesus, cheers! The very idea. I would wet my pants at such an honour, all the while wearing Johnny Logan’s “Hold Me Now” white suit and Verka Serduchka’s star hat.

      • European
        0

        I actually enjoyed last years Lipstick, that was a really catchy tune. This years was less memorable. Aren’t you a bit disappointed that you can send Jedward only to Sweden next year? Ed Byrne made a crack about Ireland trying to send them to more and more farflung countries with an exponentially worse human rights track record untll you get rid of them finally. Has Sweden taken part in illegal renditions at least?

        • Saoirse
          0

          Haha, poor Jedward, surely quasi-incestuous, metallic shoulder-pad wearing, cartwheeling hyperactivity has been decriminalised all over the world by now?! I shouldn’t admit this, but the twins are originally from the same rural area as I am. Given the relatively shallow gene pool here, they’re probably my 3rd cousins once removed…

          Lipstick was my favourite too, I though the staging of it was much more dramatic. Absolutely loved the beating 1984/Bolshevik-style graphics in the background (very dum-de-dum-de-dum-de-dum) and the limited colour palette.

          This year had a kind of diminishing returns feel about it. But still, I watched the performance at a party, and everyone nearly died laughing (affectionately!) at their silliness and energy. They’re just so Eurovision! But I think a third year would be a step too far.

        • The Fugger
          0

          Has Sweden taken part in illegal renditions at least?

          Unless you count the Millennium books, no.

      • Katie
        0

        I feel like Jedward were created in a lab somewhere for the *sole* purpose of entering Eurvision, because they are just. So. Damn. Eurovision.

        Got the feeling the UK were *particularly* not trying this year because as if they could afford to host the year after the Olympics!

    • Jenna Horko
      0

      Oh, Albania… I was so hoping GFY would discuss her Disney Queen ensemble, but… nothing. Still, awesome post that I’d looked forward to for weeks. Oh hell: for a year!

      Seriously, the UK needs to learn from their Wogan/Norton commentary history and send in something interesting, enjoyable and funny. The Humperdincks, Andrew Lloyd Webbers, generic dumb rappers etc. are both bad and boring. At least get camp and entertaining with it! I’m almost hoping Jordan tries out again in pink latex.

  8. Külli Aavast
    0

    I just wanted to say that your coverage is great BUT the picture you have titled as “Iceland” should actually be “Estonia”. The singer aka vest guy is called Ott Lepland. I am Estonian myself, so I would know. It’s a small detail and you probably don’t care, but I think proper titling is always important ;) Cheers!

    • Heather
      0

      I just went by what the Eurovision.TV/YouTube clips told me. I will fix!

  9. Anna
    0

    Roman Lob from Germany is missing!! Hot hot hot!

    • Heather
      0

      I skipped him for being boring.

      • Lyra
        0

        THANK YOU for skipping him.

        I’m in germany, and the idea of him winning – favoured by most here – has amused me for the last weeks. I can’t get over the ski cap or whatever it was he wore on stage. He looked like somebody had told him in the morning, Hey, you’re gonna go sing for germany tonight, and he shrugged, said ‘whatever’, and was ultimately pushed on the stage instead of sight seeing in Baku. On the other hand, the climate isn’t the best for a cap like that.

        Ignoring the horrible german over voice that talked endlessly and mostly senselessly, I enjoyed it. The Turkish and Russian acts were the best in terms of ESC insanity/hilarity, but I rather think Sweden deserved its win. :)

        And thanks for the coverage, I do so like your comparisons and – well – you just had me laughng as much as the shows itself. :D

        • sophie
          0

          phew. too bad you have so much negative emotions towards watching the esc in germany. we love to watch it here, the show, the comentator who did it for years on end now and romans down to earth ways.

    • Katie
      0

      He is so ADORABLE!!!
      Fug Girls, I wish I could’ve watched the ESC with you. Instead I was stuck home with my parents and listening to them complain about why they had to endure this. Why can’t they appreciate this lovefest of insanity and cheesiness? :)

    • Jean
      0

      SECONDED.

  10. Danni
    0

    Echoing Chris: you missed Mr. Lordi!

    As a Swede living in England – and (un)fortunately aware that Sweden’s national broadcaster’s on-demand site works abroad for original programming – I indulge (when work permits me time) in five Swedish semi-finals, a Swedish final, and then two European semi-finals, plus the big event. As the saying of the internet goes: I regret nothing.

    Great coverage as always. Loved the party grannies.

    • Heather
      0

      I didn’t know he was involved — I have to put these together from YouTube clips. Since he didn’t perform I didn’t see him. But we’ve written about him in the past.

  11. Tara
    0

    Great recap of what was an amazing night of silliness.

    I was too busy staring at the dreadlock taped to the Albanian singer’s chest to even notice the ridiculousness of the dress.

    SS Carrie Underwood is spot on. Denmark had such a solid entry last year (“New Tomorrow”), I found this entry so disappointing.

    Finally, Turkey absolutely stole the show with the cape-boat. It was Eurovision campiness at its absolute best.

  12. FurryPurry
    0

    Heather, the semi’s are two times 18 songs each or so, the main is 26 songs which means it is still longer than the Eurovision that we (who are of similar age) grew up with.

    And Kirsten, you are talking bollocks. The Hump was crap. Period! And while there is some political voting, last year the UK sent Blue with a decent song and ended up in 11th place.
    At the end of day, most of the high scoring countries send good songs with good acts. (although how the hell Albania managed to get any points this year is beyond me too…)

    • Kirsten
      0

      The Hump was utter crap, as were Blue, as were Scooch, as was your comment. But the voting has been political for years which is why they brought the juries back. If voting was on the quality of the songs, Jedward would have been in negative points.

      I’m disappointed there was no photo of the Norwegian dude. In the first second he appeared I had a moment of thinking someone had invented a time machine and used it to send 1987′s Morten Harket to Eurovision to please me. Turned out it was just some bloke with really good cheekbones.

      • Saoirse
        0

        “Some bloke with really good cheekbones”, e.g. a Norwegian man ;)

      • Alison
        0

        Bringing the juries back has helped a bit. It’s certainly better than it was for a few years. The fact Terry Wogan walked away after doing it for donkey’s years said a lot for how it was operating at that time (I miss old Terry’s commentary). You just have to look at the list of winners to see how the patterns have changed. I don’t think the UK sends the right acts, but I also agree it wouldn’t matter much who was sent.. Ireland after more wins than anyone hasn’t won since 96 and France hasn’t won since 77!

        Ah well, maybe if my wee country gets her independence in 2014 we’ll throw our hats in the ring. Scotland might do better than the UK does :)

  13. Rose
    0

    The Albanian woman’s necklace was actually two dreadlocks from her hair and it was CREEPY. She also seemed to really believe she was Bjork and spent most of the song wailing accordingly…

    Also apparently Jedward have said they’ll keep entering until they win. Ireland is delighted with this, as it means we never have to pay for hosting it again. The Fr Ted approach!

    • Sophia
      0

      We should send them again and again and again, until Europe finally relents and lets them win, at which point we pull out of the Contest and never return.

  14. Esther
    0

    Oh dearest Fuggirls, you should see our contestant that, as usual for us Dutchies, didn’t make it to the finals on saturday. Her song was actually ok, but she missed a lot (a lot!) of notes. But the dress… It raised some eyebrows (and the headgear didn’t help either!) pour kid. She tried though!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kx5KGbxDMMQ&feature=youtube_gdata_player

    BTW: if you could only do the comments next year, that would be so fab! You could do it on my couch and make it a webcast! I’d deliver all diet coke possible!!

  15. Nina
    0

    I think mostly Balkan and former USSR countries win because they are the only ones that care. In Holland I believe they even lost money on broadcasting it, because the ratings were so low. Every one makes fun of it and doesn’t take it seriously, so I really don’t understand why England keeps sending big artists. It’s pretty obvious the weirdest acts will win, like the Islandic metalband a few years ago. But the outfits are hilarious!

    • Saoirse
      0

      That’s just a perception though. 12 wins of the last 20 years were from western Europe (Ireland, Sweden, UK, Norway, Finland, Denmark, Germany, Greece), 5 were Balkan and former Soviet states (Serbia, Ukraine, Russia, Estonia, Latvia) and the other 3 were EBU members but not European countries (Israel, Turkey, Azerbaijan).

      Countries will always vote for their neighbours, but it doesn’t usually translate to an overall win, otherwise the same countries from the largest voting bloc would win every year.

      Lordi were Finnish though, not Icelandic. [/eurovision pedant]

      • Nina
        0

        Haha well that just proved how uninterested and uninformed I am, but you’re right.
        I actually don’t know how popular it is in other European countries, maybe every one of them just sees them as a joke? But I was under the impression that is is more important to the economically less developed countries in Europe.

        • Nijinskaja
          0

          In Sweden we take the competition deadly serious! We have a total of 32 songs entering every year with lots of famous swedish artists competing every year. PLUS swedes are often behind the production of other countries entries, for example this year swedes were behind 10 of the entries in the final. And as far as I know Sweden does not count as a economically less developed european country… ;)

      • Alison
        0

        Over the last 20 yes, but it’s in the last 10 that it’s really changed as it’s over that period that many of the Balkan and former Soviet states have joined in. It’s inevitable that an influx of new states entering would change things, but they do seem to be rather local in their voting. Which of course could be down to taste and familiarity as well as politics.
        How you get round that I don’t know, except maybe by putting it into groups like the football.

  16. Max Barnhart
    0

    Heather (and others) – Eurovision live streamed the telecast from their website. Next year, just connect the computer to the TV and watch all the glory live! Including the live results, which this year featured Lordi.

    xo – Max

    P.S. sometimes the ability to skip some entries when not watching it live makes the process less painful.

    • European
      0

      No skipping any songs! That would take the masochistic fun out of the whole event.

  17. Bee
    0

    just adding my voice to the choir: please check the semi-finals too next year if you can. Your coverages of the ESC and ice-skating contests are the best!

  18. Heather
    0

    I can’t — two toddlers means I can’t put my computer anywhere within their reach, and the contest is too long for me to do it only when they’re asleep, as they go to sleep way late and I usually have work to do. BOO ME.

    • Sajorina
      0

      GFY Heather, if I lived in LA, I would totally volunteer to take care of the kiddies while you watch the Eurovision Marathon in all its glory, for your entertainment & the sake of FugNation!

  19. Alexandra Nilsson
    0

    Try this: http://svtplay.se/t/102976/eurovision_song_contest :)
    However, if it works, the commentary will be in Swedish.

  20. Kat
    0

    I live-streamed this at work, and it was glorious.

    Why no love for the Malta foot-dance?!? Others had flames and fountains, Malta had a foot-dance. Also, Turkey was so amazing/terrible they had a coworker and I in tears – and then countries kept voting for them.

    In addition to Mr. Lordi, Sweden’s woman who awarded points was so tipsy she tried three times to pronounce Azerbaijan before settling for Baku – it was brilliant.

    • Alexandra Nilsson
      0

      It was actually one of the presenters from the Swedish contests, doing a character she also did in the sketches during the Swedish shows (of which there were SIX).

    • Heather
      0

      I didn’t see Malta — I wasn’t able to live-stream, so I just had to guess and do the best I could.

    • Lane
      0

      Exactly Kat! The Malta foot-dance was hilarious! I love the ESC but I’m the worst in predicting the results, I never get it. That Albanian song was like a siren and came fifth! Unbelievable. But at least I can be proud of coming from a country with the worst track record in recent years ;) For the 8th time The Netherlands didn’t reach THE final. Oh well, losing from Russian grannies is no disgrace!

  21. Minutiae
    0

    I have to say that every time I see Engelbert, all I can hear in my head is Carol Kane’s voice going, “HUMPERDINK! Humperdiiiiiink! HumperdinkHumperdinkHumperdink!” Is that wrong?

  22. tuttle88
    0

    It boggles my mind that America doesn’t show Eurovision. Australia goes nuts for it, when I moved here I wanted to throw a Eurovision party & no one knew what I was talking about.

  23. Kit
    0

    your description of the stacking dolls made me long, I say long for the ability to use Facebook at work although I’ve never missed it before. Suffice to say, I’ll be ‘liking” and ‘sharing” that photo and caption tonight!

  24. Kit
    0

    Also – although you’ve blogged about Eurovision at least three times now, I am finally certain that I must watch this cractacular awesomesauce msyelf next year.

  25. Aspasia
    0

    I have you ladies to thank for turning me onto Eurovision with your first post about it, however many years ago now. It’s the highlight of my Springtime!

  26. Andre
    0

    Rona looked like Jennifer Lopez emerging from the exhaust pipe of the Batmobile.

  27. Nije Ljubav Stvar
    0

    Say what you like about Mr Serbia’s outift, that song is powerful. Or I thought it was, until I discovered the title means, literally, “love is not a thing”. Turns out it’s completely nonsensical whichever language you listen to it in (which, to give him credit, is one of the entrance criteria for Eurovision). I still think it should have won, or come joint first with the Babushki from Russia. I can’t stop listening to it on Spotify.

    • it really isn't
      0

      it has pretty powerful lyrics, too. if you ask me, too sensible for this eurovision glitz. the official translation is just a bit unfortunate. if you’re still interested, perhaps this will make a bit more sense… i’m using parantheses for all the alternatives actually used in the song.

      “more luck next time,” you say to me so easily. i see it’s not going for us, though it could go so far. and even if you leave, something of yours – this you should know -
      will stay… (your) love is not a thing that i could return to you. see, this is me, i’ve always loved you. (my) love is not a thing that i wouldn’t know how to use. i wish you the best, so this (love) is a shipwreck/downfall only for me. just leave, go there, fly, sing, give your heart to someone else but know that a goodbye is not the end [=of loving].

  28. Nee in Germany
    0

    My teen was hosting her birthday party during Eurovision, so I only caught bits and pieces while we were eating dinner but before we were banished from the teenie sleepover space. Boo! But I caught the Albanian act, and all I could think was Björk + severe constipation. Of course, nothing will ever top Moldova’s entry last year for me–the monocle at the end kills me to this day–but I still would have like to have seen some of the more craptacular acts for myself.

  29. fiatluxury
    0

    “The Soylent Green of boats.” **cackle** Oh gawd, I’m choking on my lunch over here.

    • S
      0

      Ditto. Soylent green jokes have been circulating lately and this killed me!

  30. Amber
    0

    This is one of my favorite posts ever! Hilarious.
    Also, do you think we could get a petition going for someone to air Eurovision in the States?

  31. Hel
    0

    Last year, I watched the Eurovision with girls from all over Europe, it was great!
    This year, I was seriously scared by Albania… another commenter mentioned the hair… I can’t believe she ended up in the top 5.

    And I was too intrigued by that table in Cyprus… Was it made of books?

  32. Victoria
    0

    Here’s the image that swept away the Russian blogosphere: One of Buranovo grannies is the same age as Madonna

  33. bam bam
    0

    can eurovision get a seed in fug madness?

  34. Kate Pearce
    0

    I miss Eurovision :(

  35. Robyn
    0

    Oh my gravy, ENGELBERT HUMPERDINK? My mother sweated over him and Tom Jones. Now I’ll have that bedeviled greatest hits album she tortured us with going in my head all night. Quando, quando, quando…

  36. Jen Alien-Spouse
    0

    The thing is that the voting is really political, so even when England does have a decent entry we don’t do very well – That said, we have had rubbish entries in the last few years. Englebert was at least an attempt at some old school Vegas style (although, he could not hit the notes, which was just mortifying wasn’t it?)

    Anyway, atleast our song wasn’t a rip off of “Everything But The Girl” lyrics – DENMARK I’m looking at you.

    • sloth
      0

      I don’t think the voting is political, it’s more that countries with similar background have often similar taste in music. Balkan countries often like music that other balkan countries produce, nordic countries like music that other nordic countries produce. But the winner is eventually a song that most people find likable despite their background.

    • Jon
      0

      Only people who can’t do math call the voting political.

  37. Eric Graf
    0

    Seems like I make this post every year, and one of these times it’s going to stick.

    You, yes YOU, person reading this, could be watching the contest RIGHT NOW. The entire broadcast, as well as both semifinals. Mr. Lordi, German point-giver Anke Engelke’s political blast at the host country (it was EPIC, trust me), and all the fabulous acts in their fabulous costumes doing, well, what they’re doing. This year was DANG good (Azeri host announcers aside) with a level of professionalism and musical awesome that puts the lie to at least one aspect of the contest’s reputation. Say what you want about Albania’s do, that woman can SING.

    So quit pretending to be productive. Go here, to the official site, at once, and WATCH the whole darn thing! http://www.eurovision.tv/esctv/past

    • The Fugger
      0

      Oh God, I missed the results blast!

      Or rather, I saw it, but it didn’t register. MUST WATCH AGAIN.

      I will agree with you on Albania – she CAN sing, and I will admit that in terms of difficulty, “Suus” is THE most complicated song of the year. This does not make her good – imagine the dogwhistles from any of Mariah Carey’s older songs going on for 30 seconds to a minute and you’ll see why.

      Or, in other words, she’s good – the song just sucks. (As opposed to Norway, where the song was good – HE just sucked.)

  38. The Fugger
    0

    1) WE NEED TO TALK MORE ABOUT ALBANIA

    I mean, I thought Donny Martell was really good, but that’s only because he went on right after her. I don’t think my hearing will ever recover.

    2) I feel bad for Turkey’s dude. He showed up with a boat made out of dudes, and he STILL lost out (at least for me) to Moldova. To be fair, I think that when I did my finals writeup, I said that I would have given Romania, Turkey, and Moldova more than 12 points if I could.

    3) Serbian Bryan Adams. Although, I kind of liked it, but on the other hand, I still have warm and fuzzies for Serbia’s ’07 entry.

    4) Austria was trolling us, but unlike Russia, it was PAINFUL. I had to turn them off after 2 minutes.

    5) From what I heard, the remark about Spain was ultimately a joke. Although she got her wish, so…

    6) I KNOW ABOUT HUMPERDINCK. I WAS JUST LIKE, “SERIOUSLY?!” He also looked like death, poor dude. He’s way too old to be shipped out to former Soviet kleptocracies.

    • European
      0

      Regarding Spain. I have the feeling that there always TV excutives, that nearly get heartattacks in fear of winning. “No, not another point. Noooo, we can’t possibly afford this.” The Molodvians probably always go the amazingly crazy root, because they could never actually pay for the whole thing. Only problem is, that this is the ESC, the crazier they go they might actually win one year.

      And I really liked Serbia (and I really hope that they did not steal from Coldplay as some Youtubers suggest, I would die of shame if I had caught some second hand Coldplay some way) as this year was otherwise very low on Balkan pop and a bit too Eurotrash heavy.

      • The Fugger
        0

        Regarding Spain. I have the feeling that there always TV excutives, that nearly get heartattacks in fear of winning. “No, not another point. Noooo, we can’t possibly afford this.”

        Isn’t that every country, though? (Well, except for Sweden, which I believe actually WAS in it to win it.)

        Hell, Azerbaijan built the Crystal Hall specifically for Eurovision. I know it’s a petrodictatorship, but holy hell can you imagine the cost of a 20,000-seat concert hall whose exterior lights up in the colors of every country’s flag? And this from a country whose average earnings are approximately $450 a month.

        Then again, Baku is essentially Vegas minus any sense of irony, so I guess they were happy with it.

        If anyone thinks Serbia’s dude sounded like Coldplay, they must be smoking crack. If anything, Bosnia’s chick sounded a bit more Coldplay-ish.

        My pet theory on Moldova is that they’re crazy because they’re absolutely serious about it. Bless. I seriously thought he deserved the win (link).

        Admittedly, yeah, it was a bit Europop-heavy. I think the weakest of the Europop acts was definitely Hungary, followed closely by Norway.

  39. SMM
    0

    What? No mention of Finland? Finland’s entry was perhaps a bit too tasteful for the event, but she had a gorgeous dress, designed by a Project Runway winner in Finland, who is in fact an excellent designer.

    Are you bashing Humperdinck’s vocals? Without bashing Ivi’s? Ivi from Cyprus sounded like a man! Surprised you did not bust out your drag queen joke on her.

    I did love Albania’s song, and everyone would, too, if it were sung by, say, Adele.

  40. Mahastee
    0

    It’s the soylent green of boats!

    I can’t believe Eurovision isn’t telecast in the US? We love it in Australia, and SBS holds their own unofficial comp so we can all vote if we want to. Even though the votes don’t actually count towards anything.

    I loved Albania too, and the Maltese foot dance, and the Babushki… and just the general amazeballs gaudiness of it all. Oh Eurovision, it is over so quickly but it burns so bright.

    • Katie
      0

      You know, they keep mentioning Australia/NZ in the broadcasts (they did in the last Junior Eurovision too). I have a feeling that one day they might just let us participate…somehow.

  41. Niall
    0

    The voting isn’t really political – you have to remember it’s a popularity contest (there being many reasons why something may be popular).
    If the UK wants to win they may need to A) send a good song and/or B) make friends in other countries.
    Niall
    PS. Blowing my own trumpet – my own Eurovision wrap-up: http://niallniallorangepeel.blogspot.com/2012/05/baku-dancers-r-us-eurovision-2012-final.html

  42. Edith
    0

    This post is magical. Thank you for this; I laughed til I cried.

  43. vandalfan
    0

    Engelbert Humperdink performed at an Indian casino near Spokane Washington last month. He was well received, but, I mean, really, eastern Washington state is a pretty far journey from crowds of thousands of screaming ladies throwing their panties at the stage in Las Vegas.

  44. Sajorina
    0

    This post was GLORIOUS! Forget the actual Eurovision, I rather read your commentary on it next to the pictures! It is RIDICULOUS, but so damn entertaining! I must forward this post to my boyfriend, who’s a music journalist… I wish he got to write about crap like this! Anyway, is Lithuania available for Bachelorette Parties?

  45. Ciara
    0

    You missed Graham Norton commentating for the BBC coverage! He actually introduced the Turkish entry by saying “as far as I know, this ISN’T Sacha Baron Cohen, and Eurovision ISN’T the subject of his next film”.

    As for Moldova, I THINK you’ll find that if you look closely the lead singer is not a Velveeta Cheesy Skillets blacksmith after all, but rather Eastern European Cobbler Colin Farrell.

    • Eric Graf
      0

      Right after Borat, Sasha was, really no kidding, planning to make a film in which he entered Eurovision as a fake contestant. Nothing came of it.

    • jennie
      0

      I thought the singer looked quite like young Edward Norton! :)

  46. Sara
    0

    When I watched it live on Saturday, I was keeping a mental note of what GFY would like. And I knew Turkey and Russia would be it. I knew about Russia in advance and I live in Jedward-land, so I fell completely in love with Turkey.

  47. Eric Graf
    0

    Here’s the entire 3 1/2 hour final, edited down to 29 seconds:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z_LanmLGsbs

  48. Bambi Anne Dear
    0

    I wish you had a pic of Norway here. The song was pretty good but the singer was just delicious. I was devastated that they came last. No idea why, maybe something political.

    • The Fugger
      0

      …were you and I watching the same performance?

      He’s a good dancer, and he’s adorable, but OH MY GOD HIS VOICE. He was out of tune for at least half of the song, and his attempts to hit the high notes were physically painful. (Even moreso than Rona. At least she hit, even if it was dog-whistle territory.)

    • The Fugger
      0

      …were you and I watching the same performance?

      He’s a good dancer, and he’s adorable, but OH MY GOD HIS VOICE. He was out of tune for at least half of the song, and his attempts to hit the high notes were physically painful. (Even moreso than Rona. At least she hit, even if it was dog-whistle territory.)

  49. Jennifer
    0

    I’ve been SO looking forward to this, and you ladies did not disappoint. Bravo!!!

  50. crookedE
    0

    In a way, I am glad I have never watched Eurovision – seeing it through the eyes of the Fug Girls is infinitely more satisfying.

  51. Kirsten
    0

    Did anybody note that Austria’s tragically doomed entry was performed by the fantastically named Trackshittaz?