Sweden Wins Eurovision 2023 on a Night of Nordic Dominance

Liverpool appreciated her song, but took the opportunity to chant “Cha Cha Cha” — in honor of Finland’s entry — at almost every opportunity, including during the vote tally, anytime Sweden’s lead was mentioned. I’m sure poor Loreen was like, “I GET IT, YOU’RE ALL GOING TO BE DISAPPOINTED WHEN I WIN.” And they were; the air sucked out of the room a little, but I think everyone had to give it to her for the fact that her song IS objectively better. As Wayne and Garth would say, Loreen can WAIL. What’s interesting is that she ALMOST lost thanks to the viewer vote… which is exactly what happened in 2019, when the Swedish entry was poised to overtake the Netherlands until a very poor viewer showing busted his bubble, and you saw it all over his face. Loreen’s certain victory suddenly also seemed SLIGHTLY in doubt, but she pulled it out.

The song is about one of those breakups where you know it’s the wrong time, but believe it’s the right person (“All I care about is you // You’re stuck on me like a tattoo”). For some reason, she chose to perform it with nails that look like she whittled them from tree bark, and inside… whatever this is:

An… open-sided emotional prison? And she’s in some kind of apocalyptic catsuit, which also didn’t fully make sense, but whatever. As much as I often argue for literal interpretations that also involve flame-throwers, Eurovision is not ALWAYS for logic.

She rolled around in this thing, with a bunch of atmospheric smoke, the whole time. It was not the most visually pleasing performance, but the song has a desperate tone to it and she certainly managed to convey a sense of angst. It made as much sense, or more, as anything else that took place on this stage. Would a tattoo artist shooting FLAMES out of his needle have been nifty? Yes, and you knew I would find a way to work that in eventually. It also would have been amazing if she actually just sat there getting a tattoo while singing. It could’ve been fake. Imagine a series of tattoo artists pretend-inking her as she belts this out. One of them could be a tattoo of her, but with FIRE instead of hair. It can be done. I can work fire into any performance.

At any rate, speaking of fire, I can’t get too heated about her winning. It’s a solid number, and the ABBA connection for next year made it feel like destiny. People do often vote with sentiment in mind — see also Ukraine awarding critical points to the UK, to keep it out of the toilet — and maybe that did factor into it. A hearty congrats! Sweden now ties Ireland for the most wins, at 7, and the way Ireland is going… they’re not gonna get that lead back anytime soon.

The viewers are entirely responsible for this finish, chucking a whopping 376 votes their way and leapfrogging them ahead of Sweden for a while. Both Finland and Sweden got points from every single country’s jury (except obviously their own), and gave each other 12 points… but Finland is the ONLY country whose televoters did not throw Sweden any votes (Sweden’s public them a max score of 12!). Gotta love a rivalry. He wanted to beat Loreen… and he almost did, but Loreen ground out a high score by impressing every jury, and that was enough to build a lead that even overwhelming fan support couldn’t beat.

Having said that… this song is fine? If I said, “Imagine a song about a man in lime-green sleeves — ONLY SLEEVES — emerging from a box to sing about how badly he wants to drink a pina colada on the weekend,” you would not write this one. You would expect froth and pep, and you would be shocked to listen to this performance and hear him yelling “CHA CHA-CHA CHA-CHA CHA CHA” with the needy, grouchy intone of a man who sounds more LIKELY to croon about how he murdered somebody: “CHOP CHOP-CHOP CHOP-CHOP CHOP CHOP.” In short, you would be me.

Käärijä did thoughtfully build a MURDER BOX he had to break out of, which the Eurovision organizers must be THRILLED they did not have to rebuild in 90 seconds for a winner’s encore.

The staging is about a man who breaks free from his OLD fitness routine, and into one that’s lowered the depth of his squat by three inches.

Then she arrived, with some SERIOUS Lea Michele energy.

They are tethered to their OLD workout routine. Look, that guy on the right pulled something trying to squat as low as our hero.

Don’t worry, though, he’s fine, and probably about to get a tooth-whitener endorsement.

Hannah Waddingham could not stop doing this herky-jerky arm dance. I assume the whole crowd did it, too, right before enthusiastically voting for them.

She made a MUCH stronger push than I expected, for what is essentially a Sia song. Well, people love Sia songs, so there’s that. But it felt like it was composed by an A.I. that had listened to a bunch of Sia songs and been told to plagiarize them. I also didn’t much care for the part at the end where she wails, “DO YOU WANT TO SEE ME DANCE?” and then… dances as her big finish.

Writhing, and then a suspect Downward Dog, is not what I come here for, madam!

She started out with an optical illusion, where the camera eventually turns and you see she has of course been standing upright this whole time.

She also looks VERY happy for someone who is wearing a vampire bra.

I also decided that her lefthand backup dancer is Scott Foley attempting a career refresh.

This is written as a sort of empowerment anthem, where she’s going to stand on her own and show her haters and doubters what’s what, including this chant: “It’s gonna be phenomen-phenomen-phenomenal Phenomen-phenomenal // Feminine-feminine-femininal.” FEMININAL. Is that like… feminine + phenomenal? Feminine + animal?

I have one major issue with this piece, however.

Those are the ONLY unicorns we get here. OBVIOUSLY, we need either people DRESSED as unicorns, or an actual built wooden unicorn, both of which would have shot fire out of their horns at the right moment, HOW HARD IS THIS. Zero points. I feel robbed.

YOU WERE SO CLOSE. You had the fire! You had it right here! You could’ve won this thing, Noa! It could’ve been as magical as the flaming beast of myth shooting pyrotechnics from its face! How will you sleep tonight.

FUN FACT: Italy has finished in the top 6 in the last five years, all of which featured EITHER a dude whose first or last name — or here, both! — starts with M (in fairness, two of them were the same person), and one of which featured a winning band that started with, yes, M. They must love the letter M, and it’s true that between the wine and the carbs and the history and the vistas, I do often think, “Mmmmm,” when I think of Italy. So it fits.

Italy seems to like sending out cute, sparkly guys, preferably with no sleeves, and then do the very least with them. Marco had an absolutely beautiful voice, but here’s what was happening on-stage:

Those dudes behind him were falling off and on the stairs, because a trampoline sat there and bounced them back up again. They weren’t even really doing very interesting acrobatics. Just… plummeting. The chorus, translated, starts with, “If this is the last song before the moon will explode…” WELL IS IT? Should not that moon have EXPLODED? Although, translations do not capture any song’s actual intent perfectly, as this one also includes, “We’re a book on the floor in an empty house that resembles ours // Lost among people, so many words with no answer // We screwed another night outside of a club // Thank goodness.” Reader, there were no books here, and there was no screwing. Listen, we don’t have to get super literal, but the trampoline guys had NO relevance to anything — or at least it didn’t feel that way — and so they were just partying it up back there while Marco bled out his feelings about how “anyway I know you do not sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep” all over the stage. The verses also seemed to be building to something more interesting than the chorus turned out to be? So… probably top 10, just for his vocals, but definitely should not have beaten Norway.

Norway is very good at captivating Eurovision with songs that feel unique to them. I will always pour some out for Keiino’s “Spirit In The Sky” from 2019, in which Leather Michael Chiklis performed in the style of the joik during the chorus — and they won the televote, which is why they finished fifth. Should’ve been higher, juries! I don’t care what a hit Duncan Laurence’s “Arcade” is now. THIS is Eurovision.

Ahem. Anyway.  This finished in the same spot, for much the same reason. They placed third in the televote, with a massive 216 points, with a thumpy and operatic song about a woman who “is a warrior of the northern and southern seas.” Which completely tracks with her costume.

There was even a violin piece and a piercing high note in the bridge. This one throbs as it goes, in the best way; the problem for me is that she lost her breath on it a little in the singing of it, and so the drums won.

She also merely SIMULATED fire. I would have loved to see a warrior kicking some cocky, smug King ass in the background while she sang, or maybe a boat conquering a sea of men and leaving a bloodbath in her watery wake. I don’t ask for much; just incredibly complicated, expensive accessories, IS THAT SO WRONG.

The Top 6 was a tough tier for anyone else to crack; after this, there’s a gap, and then a lot of bunching, like a bicycle race. This is your leading peloton and the others are just kinda there in case somebody crashes.

Ukraine benefited from massive public support — to the tune of 189 votes, to be exact — and I don’t know if that’s genuine affection for the song, support for Ukraine’s courage, or the fact that these guys are raising money for preemies in Ukraine. Premature births have increased 15 percent since the beginning of the war, and the babies and mothers are more greatly imperiled, due to the lack of consistently available, safe medical care. It’s an incredible cause, and a ripple effect of war that isn’t often considered. Also noteworthy: Russia evidently shelled TVORCHI’s hometown while they were on-stage. Kinda wish they’d won again now.

But to be honest, the song was… okay? On its own merits, I don’t think it should be top six, in part because he suffered from the same complaint I had about Norway: His voice was shaky and I don’t think his breath was on his side.

At one point, he did sink down and turn his body into digitized steel — like an advanced CGI version of the trick where someone walks behind a couch and pretends to be going downstairs. (I would ALSO accept that at Eurovision, by the way.)

And then his digital carcass levitated. “Digital Carcass” would be a good title for a song next year protesting the widespread use of A.I., if anyone wants it.

I cannot deny that this staging gave me a lot to chew on, even if I didn’t compute why he’s wearing a molten Phantom mask on those screens. “Molten Phantom” is ALSO a song title I’d be pleased to sell to the highest bidder, but don’t you DARE buy it and not incorporate fire. Oh, speaking of:

THESE GUYS GET IT. I wish I had been fonder of the actual song.

Someone’s going to have to explain to me the popularity of this one, because to my ears it was VERY flat, run-of-the-mill dance pop. He DOES get points for being the most interesting version of all the folks who opened in some kind of silhouette — that was really popular in 2023, presumably because it’s also inexpensive to do as long as you have lights and some switches that operate them.

Perhaps the appeal was the size of his hat.

Or his massive pink chaps, placed over some robust shorts.

Maybe everyone was just REALLY into this visual that resembles a large, public, embarrassing food-poisoning incident.

Or maybe they just really like stairs. The messaging was super positive, though — “When the world got me going crazy, I’ll carry on, because I know I’m strong… and it’s all because of you.” I am sure loads of Young People will go out and hump to it on dance floors, and really, isn’t that what music is all about?

This one relied heavily on the willingness of the crowd to hold up lights. Maybe her budget was cut? Don’t make them do the work! This song is all about bridges, and I would’ve made Eurovision build me some. Maybe out of PEOPLE. No, not like that. But acrobats and interpretive dancers could have done a lot of funky things there. Remember that time Turkey’s entry made a boat using people and their coats? Loreen sure does, because that ALSO happened the year she won. Was 2012 possibly the most visually interesting Eurovision in recent memory?!?

Anyway: Why did we not get BRIDGIER here? Her song is REALLY dramatic — of the ballads, it was probably the best — and it ends on a big belt-y note. Imagine if that performance had crescendoed to something being BUILT behind her. I keep joking about starting a Eurovision consultancy, but maybe I should.

The opening notes of this sound very ’80s. Lots of synth, some simulated snapping. But it turns into something rock-inflected, and the whole band is singing in that glittery houndstooth, so I’m not upset.

But I had a hard time getting excited about a rock band and an old car, not even when it had a keytar in it. I just… I think objectively this song is catchy and fine, but I can’t really find a feeling about it. My brain just does not have an opinion. It won’t commit to one. I wouldn’t have thrown them any of my votes, but that’s not as damning as it sounds? It was fine! It just didn’t add anything to my life. And I’m glad I didn’t, as they entreated me to, promise them it was gonna be all right. Because it wasn’t.

The predominant choreography in this involved the ladies whipping around their be-ribboned braids, which was memorable.

I love her facial expression. SELL IT, sister.

The background of this song is neat: Designed as an ode to Czechia’s relationship with Ukraine, they sing in Czech, English, Ukrainian, and a bit of Bulgarian. It’s pitched as an ode to sisterhood, and that came through loud and clear even though I don’t speak any of those other languages.

Okay, THAT one I speak.

Creepy, but memorable. Musically, it felt very much rooted in their own culture rather than trying to play to the general radio audience, and I like that. But that can also be done while hitting a certain level of catchiness, and for me this just droned. It wouldn’t have made my top 10. Stil, I can’t be mad at Eurovision supporting a group of women singing about how rad OTHER groups of women are.

The home viewer vote sank her chances, and with good reason. While this visual is very pretty…

… the whole thing needed a lot more. This bedeviled last year’s entry, too; the song was retro and cute and sung in Lithuanian, but had almost nothing going on visually. (Fun touch: Monika Liu announced the jury vote this year in the same dress, sadly sans wig.) THIS Monika can really sing, and honestly, the song is a grower. It gets under your skin. I kept brushing it aside, and then every time I heard the snippet in the recaps, I’d be like, “Oh, wait, I liked that one!” Something similar happened a few years ago with Katerine Duska of Greece. Her performance was a weird mess, but the produced version of “Better Love” a permanent place on my playlist because it builds into something satisfying once the backup singers arrive — and here, it’s the same, plus they sing the lone Lithuanian line. Monika probably finished in exactly the right spot, and as a fun bonus, is seven spots better than when she repped Lithuania in 2015. Also, I just looked up what I wrote about it, and I kvetched THEN about how the staging was too boring for the song, TOO. Lithuania needs to hire Croatia’s Let 3 to take over the design.

My notes read, “There’s water, there’s arms, oh SHIT now there’s fire and wailing? He might do pretty well.”

I put this on my list of songs TV music supervisors will want to have on-hand. I noticed one year that Love Island USA dipped into the Eurovision well a fair amount, mostly for songs with cliche observations about love, and this song’s “You can’t break a broken heart” refrain, should be catnip for that. It placed about right — shouldn’t have won, shouldn’t have been at the bottom, should make plenty of money.

Croatia’s piece is an anti-war statement piece that openly mocks Putin, his relationship with the Belarussian president, and the threat it poses. The lyrics are “Mommy bought the tractor” (Belarus’ President Alexander Lukashenko gave Putin a tractor for his birthday), and “Mommy kissed the moron,” that being Putin, whose snuggly relationship with Lukashenko has aligned him and Belarus against Ukraine. But they do not stop at “moron.” Here are some of the other things they call Putin: “Armageddon granny,” “evil little psychopath,” and “alligator psychopath.”

The problem is, because Let 3 is famous for being a shock-rock band, the message of the song gets a bit lost in the absurdity of the performance — in part because their mockery of dictators involves dressing them up in skirts, a point raised in this post. The song starts growly and chant-y and atonal, and then kicks into a higher gear halfway through. Do not press “skip” on your iPhone because you don’t want them speaking sternly at you. Just remind yourself that they’re insulting Putin and hang in there until they kick things up an octave, at which point you will find yourself nodding along and wondering if maybe… it’s actually kind of good?!?

They did not bring out a tractor, sadly, but they faked one! This year we had a lot of people lying on the ground during their songs, actually. Just an observation. “Going fetal for a while” is not a vibe Eurovision should encourage.

Also, like… I see you, Alan Cumming. YOU CAN’T FOOL ME.

Anyway, by the end, they send out a villain holding rockets, which does sort of help to drive home the point…

And then the guy shoots fire out of the rockets, which unfortunately just makes them look fun. Oh, but I’m not mad! Man Shoots Fire Out of Fake Rockets is perfect. He should be on the Eurovision poster. The only opportunity they punted on was the real tractor; they seized literally everything else they could, and poor Mae Muller from the U.K. had to follow this. I know they’re not supposed to plan things, but this honestly should have been the last act of the night. This band should at least go down in Eurovision history, and I look forward to them being invited back next year to put their spin on an ABBA classic. I don’t believe in manifesting, but just in case, I’m putting it out there.

Intriguingly, the juries had NO TIME for this performance. When it’s convenient for them, folks like to argue that Eurovision shouldn’t be political, even though it’s always political — the way people vote, the songs that win, the times Ukraine has won (one for a song that criticized Russia, and once after the war began). Let 3 argued that this song is not political, because thinking war is stupid should not be political, and I can’t really find fault with THAT argument. It seems like people lean on the “political” argument when it makes it easier to dismiss things like this, and so the first round only netted Let 3  11 points, total; it’s the public’s 112 points that vaulted it up this high, a massive recovery after being kneecapped by the national juries. I am not that upset that this didn’t win, but astonished that after all this, I did not come away hating the song. In fact, I kept singing “Mommy bought the tractor” in badly butchered Croatian while I was eating my Mother’s Day dinner, so.

THIS song. Not my favorite. I didn’t even get any great screen grabs of it; she mostly writhed in this hastily stitched outfit and sang about how she decided to “be good, do good, look good” for her future lover.

She just kinda gets lost out there. And it had a lot of promise at first, because this is how it began: “I just wanna make art // Read books and just find someone // Who likes me enough to kiss my face // I wanna explore with him and visit old bookstores // And cute little things, like drink smoothies at near cafes.” Where are the giant person-size smoothie glasses?!? That maybe even shoot fire out of the straws? When you are designing Eurovision staging, you must always consider whether you are missing opportunities to shoot fire. This is BASIC.

This was a puzzle: Going into the contest, it felt like a real Internet favorite. “I can’t wait for you to see Austria,” people said, repeatedly, and yet on the big night, they only got 16 points from the public. That’s… bad. Although in fairness, the public didn’t have much time for anyone that didn’t eventually place in the top 5. I think it’s because the premise of this song is a tad more fun than the actual tune, and it’s not the Eurovision Premise Contest. When I listen to this, I enjoy it, but ten minutes later I can’t remember quite how it goes.

In case you didn’t know, Edgar is, indeed, Edgar Allen Poe. The song is about how the ghost of Poe has possessed her so that he can write a hit song, and she’s grateful because it’s going to make her rich. They said it was intended to satirize how much more seriously the business takes songs by men than women (“Maybe I should call a doctor or an exorcist // Maybe someone out there knows where Shakespeare is so I can get a taste”), and they also built in a kicky little refrain mocking shitty 0.003 cent residuals on streaming songs: “Zero dot zero zero three // Give me two years and your dinner will be free // Gas station champagne is on me // Edgar cannot pay rent for me.”

Poe looms very large, both in image, and in the refrain — which is just the word “Poe” over and over again. Never did I expect Edgar Allen Poe to be the recipient of a dance bop in his name. And from someone in Austria?!? The city of Baltimore should adopt this as its anthem.

France might’ve been LIGHTLY robbed? She seemed to agree — when the viewer vote came in pretty low, she APPEARED to give a finger gesture at the camera? Although they gave her more votes than the jury did, so save your finger, La Zarra. I think this was in my top 10, though: a well-performed dance tune, with enough on-stage theatrics that she didn’t HAVE to move all over the place — and in fact couldn’t because the bottom half of her outfit looked like this:

Now, it’s gutsy to perform in a skirt that massive when you’re not also doing opera on a giant bendy pole (see 2018, Australia, 9th), but La Zarra was in total vocal control. And honestly, she looked a little like Gaga up there with her flat beret.

The main problem I have with this song is that my brain keeps mixing it up with the UK’s, taking her “Evidemment” and then rolling into Mae Muller’s “da-da da da-da da” refrain, which tells me that I actually prefer that one. Perhaps they should do a joint remix.

But, FIRE. Also, she came down toward the ground and they unhooked her skirt and sent her right back up — the closest we got to aerial theatrics from any of the main performers. If she can sing that well while imperiled by technology, she should get more points.

I did also need you to know that her intro video involved her in this outfit, on horseback. That’s ALSO a much higher degree of difficulty than anyone else had.

I MEAN. Gaga really ought to call her.

Spain’s entry was hard to latch onto, honestly. It was beautifully sung, from a technical standpoint — she has incredible pipes — but it didn’t invite you in, nor did it invite ITSELF in. One of the most interesting parts of shaking up how I do this, and making myself engage with the semi-finals in real time, is that I can judge the songs that really work for me by how well they stick with me as I go about my week. I cannot tell you what this song was, and I’ve been listening to Eurovision playlists for several days in a row. I DID remember that she walked through a tunnel of… heartstrings? … while a bunch of random hands reached out at her. Sadly for her, I now refer to it as the Gropey Song.

Spain often does better than I would have expected, but this is probably about right? It’s not a great SONG, but she did her part.

Moldova did not try to play to the radio. They submitted a song and a performance that speaks to their country, which is EXACTLY the stuff that makes Eurovision a rich tapestry.

I was, however, a little concerned at first that he wanted to indoctrinate me into some bonkers eyeball cult, which is not acceptable. If I’m going to join a cult, it’s not having ANYTHING to do with eyes. Stop looking at me like that, Moldova! BLINK!

THIS is great. He is literally throwing his body into his job.

The singer explained that the antlered ladies, who were blocking his eyes, represent a Moldovan symbol called Muma Pădurii, protector of the woods and of “our hope for the future.” It’s a bit like the Met Gala — I wish we got interviews with them before or after, explaining all the symbolism (or, in some cases, that there isn’t any). That enriched this for me. He ALSO threw in a guy in a winged mask:

He represents Statu-Palmă-Barbă-Cot, who protects with his flute. I had a flute. I sent it to my niece. She’d better protect me with it.

Yes, that’s right, don’t look — you don’t want to see the scoring. Although… friends, do you watch Yellowjackets? WHAT IF HE IS THE CREATURE FROM THE WOODS, the one Lottie is now seeing everwhere. He might BE The Wilderness! I’m onto something, I’m just sure of it.

In another life, this is a Rihanna song, from somewhere in her earlier catalog. In this life, unfortunately, it belongs to Blanka — and while she is lovely, she performed it like a robot. This will be totally fine for its eventual radio play, but for Eurovision it’s surprising it did even this well. I assume it’s because Eurovision is a sucker for a Hot Girl Dance Break and she gave us one.

I also want to know where the guys in this number think they’re going, because it is NOT to the same club as Blanka and her ladies. Her female dancers appear to be auditioning to be Eurovision cheerleaders, something I am surprised does not exist, and then Mr. Left over there at a red-carpet premiere. I actually think somebody should steal that outfit. Speaking of that…

… she got hers stolen, for an on-stage costume change. That’s how it’s done, friends. No tricky editing; just RIPPING. But see what I mean about the robot? Her face gave us that flatness for the whole performance, and her voice wasn’t strong enough to compensate for the lack of energy. Which absolutely will not affect its chances at mainstream success. I think the Children of Summer will adopt it this year, because while the song ostensibly is about a girl who realizes she’s better off single, it 100 percent tracks like a song about how her boyfriend was a selfish loser in bed and she’s going to have to take care of things HERSELF now.

I mean. She is DEFINITELY at a beach party, drinking umbrella cocktails on the surface of the sun and grinding on the dance floor.

She did, however, provide some fire and you know that’s where my heart is. Anyone who doesn’t make use of this ability is snoozing on excellence.

My notes on this from the semi-final are, “Serviceable ballad that will come in around 14th,” and apparently I was too optimistic. Last year they finished 17th but with fewer points, so… there’s that? Switzerland has been feeling self-important ballads, and this one DEFINITELY got stuck in my head a lot, in a way that I didn’t mind. Remo can sing. But it’s a song about, basically, how kids go from playing with waterguns to being handed real ones for pointless wars, and he did NOT connect to that material at all. Certainly not in a sheer-sleeved blazer and that much cheek highlighter.

The other thing he didn’t connect with: the staging. Those folks behind him were all yoked and doing a bunch of interpretive funk behind him, but it felt irrelevant to anything he was singing, doing, or feeling.

Even when they eventually appeared to LITERALLY connect to him, it didn’t play. But here’s some optimism, Remo: Last year’s 20th-place finisher, “Snap,” is ALL OVER Sirius XM Radio right now, and I heard it in The Gap the other day, too. This one is also on the TV Show list. The takeaway: It didn’t deserve to win and it was a strange pairing of singer and song, but it’ll get stuck in your head and you won’t be upset about it.

These guys sang a punchy Jonas Brothers/DNCE-style anthem while wearing shirts that probably came from Anthropologie.

Unfortunately, the tune and the hook weren’t as energetic as the guitar licks. They have a lot to learn from Joe, Nick, and Kevin. Even the Bonus Jonas could probably teach them a clinic. The best they could do was put their name in lights in a font that vaguely evokes Stranger Things.

And indeed, they were out. This is one of the acts I would have kicked further toward the bottom. Portugal and the UK should have beaten them.

In the absence of fire, I will accept the digital alternative, but only grudgingly. Albania sang something true to its country’s musical roots, and that carried it this far, but Albina is the clear musical star of the family and having her entire crew out there muddied the waters. Especially because it’s a vision of familial togetherness…

… and yet here are the lyrics: “They are breaking up // they killed the love // They are breaking up // They forgot they have a home // A table with kids // Love her/him like before // Save the love // Save it for your life // Don’t hit it with stones.” OUCH. They all seem really chipper for a song about how mad they are about divorce. I don’t believe this plot twist, Albania. I have notes.

Aw, the curse strikes again: She was second in the running order, and it did her no good. I used to think it was helpful when a song has a juicy clip for all the “It’s time to vote — here’s a reminder of who performed tonight,” so that people are like, “Oh, yeah, that’s right, I was tapping my toes.” But this one absolutely had that, and still nothing.

This is a percussive song that feels personal to Portuguese culture — she also sang it in her language — and her personality and her dancing, combined with the way the notes built in the song, meant she didn’t need the stage theatrics. I’m disappointed it placed so low. If for no other reason than Wendi McLendon-Covey of The Goldbergs and Reno 911 needs to play her in the movie.

That guy can’t BELIEVE what a good casting idea I’ve just had. I know, dude. I feel it too. I thought you guys left it all out there and deserved a better result — although I guess Eurovision has nothing for anyone below first place, so maybe in the end it doesn’t matter. You’re still HEROES, Shocked Dancers!

Serbia placed fifth last year with an unforgettable ditty in which a woman who looks like Miriam Shor sat on stage and… washed her hands. This was a much more unsettling effort, in which Luke Black created a sort of zombie apocalypse video game on-stage. But it wasn’t as engaging, and I didn’t at all get the video game part until the graphics dropped by to help.

He started by lying down, which is the beginning of ZERO video games and zero zombie fantasies. Even The Walking Dead people were… walking. But one of the lyrics is, “I just want to sleep forever, I like it better when I dream.” Well, then don’t wake up and fight the zombies, then, unless that’s the part you like? And if it is, maybe we need to have a conversation.

He does wake up though. You can understand why I thought, at first, this might have been a vampire fantasy. This all feels very Lestat, but with one of Kathleen Robertson’s early Clare Arnold haircuts from 90210.

There’s also a lot of squat-stomping with the slouchy zombie guys.

As you can see, the zombies are plugged into the flayed ovum where Luke was napping. He’s gonna have to do something about that. And that’s where I give him points, because he doesn’t just let that happen behind him, or on a screen. He takes matters into his own hands.

He systematically unplugs each of them, unleashing some dry-ice smoke, until the life meter on the big monster goes out. But it brings him no joy. I think we need to work collectively on getting him some happier hobbies. Luke, have you tried crocheting?

This song, as a song, is totally kicky. But Mae’s voice was shaky live. This means that, coming off Croatia’s high-energy ending, she couldn’t match their oomph and it took too long for the hook to grab you. Full applause to her for maximizing the video screens, though. THAT is exactly what we want. From performing in silhouette in front of her own face…

… to inside her own head, in a shot that reminds me of the main title sequence that Ben Stiller puts on Winona Ryder’s show in Reality Bites.

Trippy! Mae kind of reminds me of Julia Fox, and I think Julia would have approved of all this madness. She even stuck some sheer shirts on her dancers. She freed the nipple.

She finished with a pop of fire, too, although it happened so quickly that I didn’t get a grab of it This song will crawl into your head and stay there; I have been bopping along to it for ages. Some of the others will wriggle in and then Mae will storm in and take back the territory in my brain that she accidentally ceded. To me it was not a bottom-of-the-barrel effort; I can’t tell if people just didn’t agree with that, or if the voting politics came back into play, or if she was just too thin at the start to follow Croatia in the running order. Perhaps someone with a stronger voice can cover it? Kind of like when Leann Rimes takes over “Can’t Fight the Moonlight” from Piper Perabo in the seminal work of musical fiction Coyote Ugly. Let’s get Demi Lovato on the horn.

Well, the good news for Germany is that their last-place finish this year TRIPLED the voting total for 2022’s last-place finish! You’re a grower, Germany. In another 50 years you might make the top ten. Keep striving!

The bad news is that this felt a bit like Germany trying desperately to copy other successful nonsense, and failing. The performance was like Lordi crossed with Maneskin, but minus a catchy tune. “Blood and glitter // Sweet and bitter // We’re so happy we could die.” Sure, Mr. Lord. Sure. And Netta of Israel, 2018’s winner, bested them at wings during the time-killing performances before the vote closed. They just couldn’t win on any front, other than perhaps sterling balance.

In truth, though this song is subpar, I found this act way more interesting than the synthetic dance pop? And they knew exactly how to end it:

The ingredients were there, but the final dish wasn’t quite seasoned enough, and the song flew right back out of my head the second it was over. I submit that the Big Five countries, with the apparent exception of Italy, might build up a little more momentum if they DIDN’T bypass the semifinals. Because by the time the Grand Final comes, people have their favorites already — they’ve had days to develop an attachment — and it takes a lot to unseat one of them. This is not a perfect theory, but I wonder if it’d be an interesting experiment one year. Unless Germany doesn’t care. But this image does not suggest a nation that doesn’t care; it suggests a nation that went WACKY in the hopes of FINALLY getting your attention, and sadly it didn’t work.

Alesha Dixon, Julia Sanina, and Hannah Waddingham did a great job running point on all three telecasts last week, with Graham Norton a fun addition on Saturday. He and Hannah got to do the results portion, which regularly gave them the giggles, like when the dude from Georgia wore huge swirly glasses or the guy from Hatari did a whole silent thing where he pulled off a series of masks. I feel like on any other telecast, cracking up that way would be unprofessional, but at Eurovision it’s exactly what you want. Hannah’s dress is fantastic, as usual, although my ONE argument might be that Eurovision would be a time she could’ve gone off -script and tried something wacky and sculptural. Still, she sparkled, literally and just in terms of her aura.

And Graham looks spiffy. Alesha’s is deconstructed in a way that looks more like an accident than a cool idea, but it’s neat that she and Julia together represent the colors of Ukraine. Julia’s neckpiece is nifty, but both of them backslid a little later in the show:

Once again, Hannah goes for classically dishy glam, Alesha looks like the sun exploded, and Julia brought extra napkins. (This shot is of Graham saying there’s “a tear in my silly old eye” after “You’ll Never Walk Alone.”)

I have notes, though. Specifically, I need every Eurovision act to pay heed to what Netta did for her part of the “Liverpool” montage:

She FLEW IN FROM THE CEILING. Do the acts KNOW this technology is available to them? Why isn’t anyone thinking this big for the show itself? She upstaged everyone by arriving from on high on some kind of winged beast, and then morphed into her own version:

In this one move, she made Germany’s performance seem like the silly cheap version of hers. I love it. This cover was fun and it’s EXACTLY everything I want.

He represented Iceland in 2020 — the cancelled year — and 2021, and put his wacky visual and energy spin on “Whole Again” by Atomic Kitten (noted Liverpudlians, evidently!). I enjoyed it! He cracks me up, but he was very sincere with it, even with all the weird touches. The other acts were pretty straightforward. I forgot to screenshot Sonia, a Eurovision champ from 1993 who was also pretty fun, but I did get Sam Ryder doing his own song inspired by Ukraine, with Queen’s Roger Taylor on the drums:

On-brand! I didn’t get a shot of Roger, but with apologies to him, Sam’s beaded top is more important anyway. He sounded GREAT. Truly, none of the guest acts let anyone down. I always remember the year Madonna performed with a deep, full-body cringe. Eurovision all-stars are way more fun.