(1) KATY PERRY v. (8) CHLOE SEVIGNY

Oh, Katy Perry. At least you’re never boring. And we know what you’d look like if you took up ice dancing:

Or took a gig as a Victoria’s Secret Too-Tight Floral Bustier Spokesperson:

(The Too-Tight Floral Bustier is one of their lines, right? Like the Very Sexy Bra Whatever, and the Naughty Little Secret Undie Something or others.)

In fact, I think this is likewise from Victoria’s Secret:

It’s the mini-dress version of that bra they sell at Christmas for eighty-million dollars, married to Britney’s “Toxic” bodysuit. (Also, now you have “Toxic” in your head. YOU’RE WELCOME.)

If Katy Perry is generally a little skimpy and a lot sparkly, Chloe Sevigny, on the other hand, is usually just sort of confusing. Confusing, with enviable legs:

I think that’s a coat? It’s kind of like the coat version of a black and white cookie, but the white section has been left out on your desk for three days and gathered a fine coating of dust, not that that’s ever happened to me.

ONE of these girls is in costume. It’s not the one you’d think.

This skirt is likewise perplexing. From afar, I kind of like it. From aclose, it looks like it’s a blazer that’s been repurposed into a skirt, which is…responsible upcycling? Sure. Let’s go with that.

Don’t forget to check out their archives before you vote! AND SPEAKING OF VOTING:

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(5) JESSICA SIMPSON v. (13) SHENAE GRIMES

At least she’s happy:

FOR NOW.

Horrifying snow bunny leggings out of the way, let’s take a brief jaunt down the street I call Go Up a Size Lane:

Go.

Up.

A size.

J Simp’s competitor in this round seems to have her sizing okay, but does seem to have forgotten something. Whatever could it be?

Oh, right, her PANTS! Please? Who hasn’t gone outside in only thigh-highs and Pilgrim boots? GUILTY! Am I….never mind.

Here, I’m convinced that her lace-trimmed bike shorts paired with a nylon, ditzy-print dress that I myself had in the 8th grade can be construed as nothing less than an homage to the Beverly Hills 90210 of yore, and thus is really an excellent example of The Kids Today really respecting our shared history.

This, on the other hand, is an example of The Kids Today being Not All Right.

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