Fug Madness 2013, Round Two: Bjork Bracket, Part II


 

(4) LADY GAGA vs. (5) MILEY CYRUS

Given the things Lady Gaga is usually in costume as — of the mutant-alien-dominatrix variety, with the occasional Zodiac mummy thrown in — I’m pretty sure Elizabeth Hurley should be offended that she’s on the list now too.

I’m not sure the iconic safety-pin dress was high on the world’s list of experiences to re-live, but then again, Lady Gaga is not a democracy. Her weekend of palling around with Donatella Versace yielded a lot of fuggery, actually, but this looks more like an homage Lindsay Lohan would pay to someone than an idea Lady Gaga would have. Maybe after dressing up as her own perfume bottle, she felt creatively sapped.

If Donatella went back in time and redecorated Ancient Rome, we’d be seeing a lot of these in lieu of those taupe togas.

I hope we see a LOT more of these, like, right now:

Is she grazing on that head-wreath? I promise, carbs taste better. Also, I’m stunned her Web site hasn’t marketed these as actual centerpieces — or bridal bouquets — you can order. Imagine calling 1-800-FLOWERS to order a festive Gaga head for your Easter table. Or to hang on your door during the winter months. Nothing would send away door-knocker marketers quite like her petunia face.

Gaga dipped into the world of color a few times, actually — like when she looked like one of Paris Hilton’s home furnishings – but as usual she is more entertaining when she fancies herself deep and dark.

The sight of that man’s admirably straight face is only matched in entertainment value, for me, by the vision of her trying to stuff her entire cranial bird into a car.

This body condom happened right after she slid out of Elephantitis of the Vag. Actually, that entire concert is a feast, including the time she wore a motorcycle. But nothing will top her entering out of the birth canal. I am genuinely terrified that her next concert will be her dressed as a sperm, being ejaculated into the rafters.

And this would be the neck brace she’d have to wear for the next year after pulling that stunt.

This photo is one of the most wretched ones of her oeuvre; I am stunned at the amount of labia we’re seeing, or might be seeing, or are millimeters from seeing. I can’t think about it. I just don’t want to be that close with her. And since I couldn’t bring myself to repeat that dubious gem, let’s check out this one instead, which I just noticed has some nipple so be careful at work.

The questions I have about this are so many and so explicit, I could write an essay. Surely she’s just sitting at home in plaid flannel PJs most nights, watching Bunheads and trying to make heads or tails of it, when she sits up ramrod straight and calls her regular dude — Freaky Isaac or something — and says, “A full-body harness with a small replica of a WWE title belt. Have it for me by Wednesday.” And Freaky Isaac hangs up and turns around to his torture wall of elasticized materials and starts yanking on all of them to see which are least likely to chafe.

Let’s switch to Miley. Before I begin, though, look at this woman in the background holding up her iPad to document this special moment, and know that there are two-hundred JUST LIKE HER in the audience at Fashion Week now, and how iPads should be banned for that use in the tents because it’s IMPOSSIBLE TO SEE. WE ARE ALL HERE TO WORK, PEOPLE, NOT JUST YOU.

Ahem.

That skirt is so bad, I’m shocked Vanessa Hudgens doesn’t have one. Miley’s dog is like, “Why are animals always dragged into this?” I hope it is pen pals with Aubrey O’Day’s pooch.

And isn’t it a weird blast from the past to see Miley with so much hair? It’s hard to imagine that she ever looked like this:

And in fact, when she DID look like this, we all said, “WOW, Miley has NO HAIR ANYMORE, and WE LOVE IT.” I also love her shoes. But the outfit looks like something you wear in a movie about people who have sex in the boardroom. It’s probably called Sex In The Boardroom, and it dispenses with plot because it gets in the way of all the pumping.

As Jessica noted in the Round One post, Miley really did have a penchant for black-and-white stuff this year — like, this heinous Marc Jacobs outfit that she wore in New York, and whatever madness she put on her body while shooting a video with Lil’ Kim. Which itself is maybe one of the last places we’d ever expect to find Miley Cyrus. Maybe, as her trousers would suggest, she was simply there to make a little extra scratch by serving as a referee.

But Miley, like her opponent, also has a real fetish for black ensembles that are translucent, boob-focused, or both.

This looks like shards of three aborted garments — a shrug, a bathing suit, and a cocktail dress — that a frustrated designer just slammed together before going to Happy Hour.

This looks like she electrocuted half the lining out of it.

If she’d stuck with the dress underneath, we might’ve been onto something here. Then again, that wouldn’t fix the fact that she’s leaking sideboob.

“Mistress Cyrus will see you now. For $10 she will read your palm; for $100 she will whip you first and then salt the lashings.”

No, Miley, don’t turn our back on us. Fug Nation gets to decide when this is over for you. And in fact, that’s what Fug Nation is going to do right now.

Archives: Lady Gaga, Miley Cyrus

(1) JUSTIN BIEBER vs. (8) JULIANNE MOORE

Justin Bieber has a message for the two percent of you who voted for Christina Ricci in the last round.

The thing is, I can understand it from a self-preservation standpoint. Nobody wants to see this again. But from a Purity of the Contest perspective, THOSE PANTS ARE ATROCIOUS. I am not sure why the boy went for dropped-crotch nightmares this year — are we supposed to think he’s grown up so much that a regular crotch cannot contain him? — but he was RELENTLESS.

And the bandannas don’t help. This photo looks like he’s trying to mug this girl and she’s too busy laughing at how absurd he is to remember to break his pinky.

Even Julianne Moore appears to think he is a pipsqueak.

That’s a lot of game face from a lady who’s wearing a dress that ghastly. Maybe she’s just supremely confident that Fug Madness is HERS this year.

Bieber would like to dance it out with her.

Julianne doesn’t want to stoop to such shenanigans, and anyway, this isn’t her dancing drape.

“It’s okay, buddy,” Bieber says to his dejected crotch. “She’s just afraid of you. And she REALLY can’t handle my kerchiefs.”

And Julianne is like, “Son, if I wasn’t afraid of this dress, I’m not afraid of anything.”

And so Bieber tries to be sensitive, and wheedling. “PLEASE come out to play, Julianne,” he seems to say. “I’ve teased up  my Miley Cyrus haircut and EVERYTHING.”

And she’s like, “You want to go? You REALLY want to do this thing? Fine. Bring it on. My sleeves are the astroturf on the playing field of your NIGHTMARES.”

And Bieb’s like, “I’m sorry, what was that? I was busy having my knees surgically removed and then sewn onto my testicles, JUST so this pair of pants would feel right.”

And Julianne just smiles and says, “It’s okay, I can stand here all day, having this nightmare over and over where I am too literal and show up at the SAGs in this godawful thing that tramples on my fine genetic legacy.”

And Bieber’s like, “Bring your eyes down South, y’all. DEEP South. And then tear them away from my weaponized slippers so that you might gaze upon my ELASTIC-CUFFED QUILTED SOCKALOONS.”

“Now let’s stop this bickering and let the people vote. Besides, I think I got my junk caught in my spacesuit zipper and I need to massage the swelling away. THIS IS WHY I CAN’T WEAR REAL-BOY PANTS.”

Archives: Justin Bieber, Julianne Moore

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Comments (72):

  1. laura
    0

    I’m predicting Justin Bieber for the win this year!

    • Cecily
      0

      I am feeling that same thing. Those drop-crotch pants! The hideous shoes! The Jughead hat! My eyes!

  2. C. C.
    0

    That picture of Bjork never fails to make me grin.

  3. jen310
    0

    For me, batshit insane fug wins over basic fug and Gaga is the definition of batshit insane fug. Yes, it is for attention and yes, it is played out but her crazy ass fug overpowers little Cyrus’ fug any day and everyday.

    And as mentioned (testicles and elephantitis) in separated sections of the post above, maybe that’s Beiber’s problem. Maybe he has elephantitis of the nuts (“Breakfast Club” reference – John Bender). That would explain so much. I’m sure there’s a cure for that Justin but there is no cure for those pants. As I said to Halle about her skirt/shorts/bloomers/cropped pants mess: KILL THEM, KILL THEM DEAD.

  4. jen310
    0

    For me, batshit insane fug trumps basic fug and Gaga is the definition of batshit insane fug. Yes, she does it for attention and yes, it is played out but her crazy ass fug overpowers little Cyrus’ fug any day and everyday.

    And as mentioned (testicles and elephantitis) in two separate sections in the post above, maybe that is what Beiber’s problem is – he has Elephantitis of the nuts (“Breakfast Club” reference – John Bender). I’m sure there is a cure for that Justin but there is no cure for those pants. As I said to Halle Berry about that short/skirt/bloomers/cropped pants mess: KILL THEM, KILL THEM DEAD.

  5. christine christine
    0

    Is this going to be the first time a “man” is crowns Fug Champion???

    The mind wobbles!

  6. christine christine
    0

    Is this the year a “man” is crowned Fug Champion?!?!!?

    The mind wobbles!

    • Jessica
      0

      I love you for putting “man” in quotes.

    • Claudea
      0

      Please yes! I mean that boy isn’t even trying anymore, he’s always walking around half naked… I don’t know how many fug points you would give him for that particular fact. I say give him the crown because my eyes have bled enough and he needs to get a clue.

  7. Sylvia
    0

    The fact that I thought GaGa was Lil’ Kim in that first picture says everything. She got my vote.

    Justin needs some real competition.

  8. christine christine
    0

    I apologize for my computer, it’s demon-possessed.

  9. Sarah
    0

    I realize I am probably in the minority, but I actually like a lot of what Miley Cyrus wore this year. It’s not my style (and would be wildly inappropriate at my age on my body) but I think the 80s retread works for her.

    • Erin
      0

      Sarah, completely agreed. It’s sassy, and some of it was stuff I would have hoped to get away with at her age.

  10. Brenna
    0

    Oh man, I am trying my hardest to stifle my giggles at work for all the Justin Bieber captions, and I’m doing a terrible job.

    But I strongly feel he’s going to be our first male Fug Madness champion. Not even Vanessa Hudgens would wear those pants, and we all know she has questionable pants taste.

    • Lola
      0

      YES! Bieber is going to take the whole thing. Where does he even shop? Are all of his poopy-diaper pants custom made? It boggles the mind.

    • Cecily
      0

      Yes, the Bieber-Moore dialogue was hilarious, thank you!

  11. Caroline
    0

    I will take Hudgen’s crocheted pants over Bieber’s dropped-crotch monstrosities. I really think he will take it home this year (on the strength of his pants and overall twerpishness).

  12. Edith
    0

    Who are the 4% who think Juliana Moore outfugs Biebs? Between testicular kneecaps and “ELASTIC-CUFFED QUILTED SOCKALOONS,” he’s unstoppable.

    The Queen is Dead! Long Live the King!

    • amy
      0

      This year my votes are influenced by what I expect from the candidates. She’s gorgeous and chose to wear things that are AWFUL on her. Him? Who cares? He’ll be yesterday’s news soon and we’ll still be watching Julianne appear on the red carpet. She might benefit from the criticism!

    • Aj
      0

      Honestly — I voted for the Bieb but this was by far the toughest vote for me today — Julianne is so uniformly clueless about how to dress her body, it makes me sad/mad.

  13. Desiree
    0

    I was just going to type the same thing!

  14. Desiree
    0

    I agree! Who is going to beat even one of those outfits? Nobody.

  15. Lynne
    0

    Mkay, I think Biebs is taking this one, people. What does he get when he wins, by the way? A one-way ticket to oblivion? (Please oh please).

    Also, I flat out love Miley and while she wore some odd things this year, she absolutely wins the Haircut of the Year award and is at least interesting.

  16. Liz
    0

    I forgive Julianne any awful thing she wears in comparison to Justin Beiber’s heinousness.

  17. Liz
    0

    I forgive Julianne for any awful outfit in comparison to Justin Beiber’s heinousness.

  18. pinkstreaks
    0

    Justin Bieber for the win…. no one can come close. I’m still snickering everytime I think about the swagger coach….

  19. Popcouver
    0

    BIEBER BIEBER BIEBER (with fist pump hand motion).

  20. ab
    0

    i am on the complete opposite spectrum. gaga’s batshit insane has some purpose. you KNOW it’s a costume. or a statement. miley is just getting dressed and thinking about getting coffee in vhudg’s pile of clothes marked “to donate.”

  21. Erin
    0

    OH my–that Biebs/Moore faceoff actually made me cry from laughing. The Biebs has to win it because he is SUCH a little twerpy putz. Photos of him actually make my lip curl in distaste. He’s such a…ugh.

    I have to say, the last few photos of Miley outfits I think are pretty cool, and her bod in that charcoal cutout dress is SLAMMIN’. So I’m laying off Miley–she brings a sense of youthful fun to her looks. Gaga is, and always will be, tedious. PUT ON SOME PANTS AND A SHIRT. I AM NOT YOUR GYNECOLOGIST.

  22. pantsonfire
    0

    If forced, I will admit that I have grown accustomed to her particular fug (which reads more 90s retread to me, I think). I am very, very sick of the black and white vertical stripes that she continues to impose on us and I would never say that her look oozes class, but it’s not super offensive (primarily because her body is rockin). I will say that I HATE HATE HATE her hair nowadays and loved it when it was shoulder length (though not as styled in the photos posted above). Gaga, in comparison, just flat out doesn’t look good in what she wears. So, even if all things were fugequal, I will fug the competitor who looks worse in the fugly clothes.

    • pantsonfire
      0

      My comment is in reference to Miley – I have grown accustomed to her fug.

      • Kristin
        0

        “I’ve Grown Accustomed to Her Fug,” as sung by Rex Harrison, would make a lovely theme song for the winner, after “One Fugging Moment,” of course.

        • cebec
          0

          Please please please make this happen!

          • Sajorina
            0

            But, Rex Harrison is dead!

            • Helen
              0

              That’s okay, someone on the Archer team can do a convincing Rex Harrison, I’m sure.

              • pantsonfire
                0

                This is an amazing idea. And now I’m thinking of possible Archer/GFY crossovers… there’s a joke about black turtlenecks in here somewhere.

  23. Julie
    0

    I’m not quite sure how it happened, or why I suddenly think it, but Miley actually looks good in some of those cracked-out ensembles. My litmus test for fug? I actually see HER (and her cute hair) before looking at any of the fug outfits she’s wearing. So Gaga wins this round for me. All I see are the outrageous clothes on her. She’s a non-entity in most of her outfits.

    As for Bieber, you can’t have it both ways, kid – pants cannot be both tight and loose. Though he’s certainly trying.

  24. Sarah
    0

    Bieber is a one trick crotch pony, Julianne has displayed some utterly horrific fug this year. Gutted she’s going out without a fight…LE SIGH.

  25. Em
    0

    Just wiping away tears of laughter, especially about the surgically removed knees! ; D
    Oh Fug Girls, I love you, you always cheer me up when I´ve had a crap day!!
    And yes, Fug Nation: I think the Biebs really deserves to win this year… maybe his prize could be Tim Gunn casting a ´concerned´ look over his wardrobe (and then maybe burning the whole lot!!) ?

  26. Amy
    0

    Suddenly Julianne Moore’s clothes look so reasonable. Almost attractive!

  27. jerkygirl
    0

    I’m only a Belieber in that I really, really want him to win Fug Madness this year!!! Even if everything else on him was fairly normal (ha!!! ha!!!), those loaded diaper pants would earn him my vote every time.

    I hated to vote for Gaga over Miley because I’m so sick of her (the giant inflatable fachacha was just. . .really gross. No offense to real-life fachachas, of course, but I don’t need to see some weirdo crawling out of a 15 footer or however big it was) but I thought Miley looked pretty cute even in a lot of her weirder outfits. I actually like the gray dress with the cutouts up there, with the black pumps of my dreams, and even her haircut grew on me after a while. So, I’m hoping Gaga will come up against Diaperpants and get blown away.

    • Lucasta
      0

      Totally agree. Would have liked to have gotten rid of Gaga because I am bored to tears with her but MC is doing EXACTLY WHAT I WOULD BE DOING were I in her place – to wit, getting a crazy haircut and dressing like the heroine of an trashy 80s novel. I actually think she looks pretty great in a few of these.

  28. Alma
    0

    “Real-boy pants” hahaha

  29. Seamus McBoogie
    0

    he is such a punk! I just wnt to smack the smugness of his face. Little boy, you are just the Sean Cassidy of your day.

  30. Kirsten
    0

    Pulling for Bieber vs Klum final 2!

    • Heather
      0

      Not possible! If they meet at all, it will be in the Final Four, as they’re on the same side of the bracket.

      • Mary
        0

        Yes but maybe it will be a bieber vs klum 50/50 vote which puts them both into the finals against whoever is on the other side… Weirder things have happened? =)

  31. drlemaster
    0

    Your prose had me on the verge of voting for Julianne, but then I remembered we are voting for whose fug reigns supreme, not who would win at actual fisticuffs.

  32. Sara
    0

    You had me at SOCKALOONS!

  33. Nikki
    0

    “ELASTIC-CUFFED QUILTED SOCKALOONS” …made me snort-laugh loud enough to startle my cat. He’s a twerp, but I agree, he may be King Fug. His One Shining Moment would be a fugtage of legendary proportions.

  34. IB
    0

    I would have paired Bieber with Gaga and Moore with Cyrus.

    • Heather
      0

      It’s not up to us. We aren’t randomly deciding who faces off against whom. We go by the bracket.

  35. Kris
    0

    Thank you, Fug Girls, you almost killed me. Do you really want to make the news when one of your readers aspirates a Mini-Wheat after reading “ELASTIC CUFFED QUILTED SOCKALOONS”? I didn’t think so.

  36. Sandra
    0

    Miley often resembles The Lost Olsen tending bar in an old-timey bordello, but nothing she does is ever as awful as Gagme. On the strength of that one NSFW photo alone I would deem her more fugly.

    The overalls-to-meet-the-Prime-Minister escapade was likewise enough to seal the deal for that wretched little boy. Even though her clothes sometimes do not do her justice, Julianne seems like somebody I might want to meet.

    • Mrs. Ditter
      0

      I just get so frustrated at the waste of awesome genetics that is apparent in so many of Julianne Moore’s get-ups, and that makes her more fug to me. Bieber–eh, who cares? He’s desperate for attention & trying to look interesting, but it all just looks so bland. Fugly, yes, but bland. Not even sure how he does that.

  37. The Other Molly
    0

    Are people EVER going to stop voting for Gaga?
    Intentional fug should never win over “I think I look so hot” but it’s really fug, fug.

  38. Maria L.
    0

    OK. When I got to the line about the Bieb’s knees being sewn to his testicles, I laughed so hard my soup came out my nose. How could I not vote for him?

    • understateddiva
      0

      I’m pretty sure “the Bieb’s knees” means the opposite of “the bee’s knees”

  39. agcons
    0

    Miley is completely outclassed here. For example, her bouffant hairdo can’t even begin to compete with a floral face frame.

    Moore looked pretty bad this year, but like Miley she’s outclassed. How could she compete with spiked bedroom slippers and a spittoon worn as a hat? Oh, yeah, and the trousers.

  40. wendy
    0

    I see Bieber in the “One Shining Moment” video montage every morning when I wake up and I smile at the new day. Bieber FTW!

  41. Heather
    0

    I wish there could be some kind of separate bracket for Intentional Fugging (Gaga, Katy Perry, Ke$ha, Jessie J, Nicki Manaj, etc.) so that all of the cracktastic, costumey, look-at-me junk can be compared apples to apples. Comparing it to oranges (Miley Cyrus, Jessica Chastain, etc.) is just not a fair comparison. It always skews in favor of the crackpot costumes. I’m tired of Gaga advancing so far every year just because her favored aesthetic is intentional fuggery.

  42. Crisistina
    0

    OMG i looooove the last comment about Biebers crotch… you the best, FugGirls!

  43. Kate
    0

    Oh, my post-midnight cheerios nearly ended up spat across the keyboard, because the Bieber-Moore conversation was fantastic…

  44. Sajorina
    0

    My votes went to GAGA & BIEBERRRRRR!

  45. camille
    0

    I was kicking ass with my brackets – only being wrong on a couple people who will doubtless be taken out in the next round anyway, restoring me to correctness – but Gaga is going to seriously F things up for me. I really thought people were done with her and that Miley’s “seriously you guys I’m claaaaasssssyyyyy!” dresses would prevail. Then I had her going a long way. Dammit, Gaga!

  46. alice
    0

    Clearly it’s just me, but I don’t see why little boys shouldn’t be allowed to play dress up too. Gaga and Bieber both have that ‘dress-ups are clothes’ thing that a lot of singers have. Hey, they’ve gotta get noticed somehow, since in today’s society talent alone will not keep caviar and champagne on the table.
    But I still think looking-bad-for-no-reason-at-all-while-possibly-thinking-you-look-good outfugs looking-silly-to-get-attention.

  47. Grant Spatchcock
    0

    I have a very strong feeling we might have our first male Fug Champion this year!!