Fug Madness 2013, Round One: Madonna Bracket, part II


As a refresher: The photos and links in each matchup are NOT the only outfits eligible; rather, they’re a representative sample of the body of work. Polls close after 24 hours, so if you like to research your choices — on our site, Getty Images, Google, whatever — have at it and just make sure you vote before the game ends. Enjoy.

(1) KRISTEN STEWART vs. (16) MICHELLE DOCKERY

Let’s do this thing. (As I wrote that, I heard New Girl’s Schmidt saying it. And I like to think that Schmidt is a VICIOUS Fug Madness player. He has a pool, and there is trash-talking. And in this GFY/New Girl fanfic I am writing, he’s also TERRIBLE at it and Winston wins the whole thing, but doesn’t even care and Schmidt is kind of devastated because he’s been training all year.)

Speaking of devastating:

Girl, what are you thinking? I know this was a hard year for you, but I’m not sure the answer lies at the bottom of a pile of sheer lace and tulle. Just look at how skeptical everyone behind you looks:

I don’t know if I will ever personally recover from the HORROR of the sequin/lace jumpsuit. Should anyone ever really wear anything that could be best described as SEXY PRESENT DAY LIZA MINNELLI? Somewhere, even Liza Minnelli is reading this and nodding her head.

As for this — which happened the SAME WEEK as the above, also known as The Week My Head Exploded — it simply looks like the underpinnings for another, considerably more beautiful dress:

This one, from the Snow White and the Huntsman tour — AKA the I Am Trying To Conceal A Real Bad Workplace Decision Tour — just makes me want to lay down. FOREVER:

Her pelvis has a mustache, you guys.

Let’s just move onto Lady Mary, discreetly and politely pretending PELVISTACHE never happened:

Oh, Lady Mary. I know you’re all upset because Spoiler Spoiler Spoiler Spoiler which I wouldn’t even Spoiler except that someone commented on the Cousin Matthew post yesterday that she was only on episode three of Downton Abbey and although I told her to STOP READING because someone was going to Spoiler the Spoiler Spoiler, I feel for her. SPOILER: I didn’t like this dress at all. LET THE TULLE MADNESS END.

Also, let’s stop Wrinkle Mania:

And Lace Impositions:

We’ll ALL be better off. You. Me. K Stew. M Dock. Everyone.

Archives: Kristen Stewart. Michelle Dockery.

(4) KE$HA vs. (13) ASHLEY BENSON Ke$ha is another one of those people who you might THINK wasn’t really out this year, like Lady Gaga before her, and then you actually look at her body of work, and then you pass out. She wore this to an Inaugural event:

In fairness, even if her face looks like she’s a refugee from the Dangerous Liaisons musical they’re doing on Smash right now, those are cute shoes. She wore this AT THANKSGIVING ON THE TODAY SHOW:

Ann Curry is turning over in her grave. Speaking of turning over in one’s grave, Michael Stipe is twirling around in his likewise fictional one, thanks to her homage to his eye makeup here:

Ke$he is really never going to give up fighting that War on Pants, is she?

Even at an amfAR benefit! Girl, I know Sharon Stone is going to be there, but that doesn’t mean we can ALL go Rapid Beaver:

And while Ashley Benson has worn some delicious doozies in costume on Pretty Little Liars, those looks aren’t eligible for her Fug Madness run this year. That doesn’t mean she hasn’t dipped her toe in Lake Fug on occasion in real life. This looks like something Kristen Stewart at least considered once:

And this is seriously not helping our pro-pants stance. Pants should HELP you, not land you in the midst of some very judgmental bracketology:

And yet Ashley  has also had bad luck when she steers clear of pants. I am being to think that this is the bracket where pants go to die:

Your camera should not be bigger than your bottoms, hon.

Archives: Ke$ha, Ashley Benson

(5) JESSICA CHASTAIN vs. (12) GWEN STEFANI

I CANNOT WITH THIS DRESS. My levels of CANNOTITUDE requires copious caps lock:

That is just like, a world of no. A universe of no. A universe full of other universes all full of no.

And when I look at sweet Chastain — the one celebrity for whom I find myself most ardently rooting– in this Globes dress, I find myself making the same face as the woman right behind her:

It’s the “great color….OH YIKES” face. I just don’t understand why she looks so reliably Off at every single awards show except for the Oscars, where she is (so far) reliably AMAZING. Is it all just a seriously elaborate mind game? A social experiement? Is her stylist really really really trying to lower expectations?

Like, get a load of this one. It’s a giant basketful of ARGH:

And this! This is a pitcherful of WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH:

SIGH.

Let’s take a look at Gwen. And her Droopy Bespangled Romper:

And her Madonna Costume:

And her Stella McCartney jumpsuit (which she is ALMOST pulling off because she is in seriously INSANELY GOOD shape, like, why am I not typing this on one of those desks that are attached to a treadmill?):

And her 90s Summer Music Festival Costume, the one where she gets home and then ends up reading in a magazine that the skirt she’s been wearing for weeks, the one she bought at Cost Plus, is actually highly flammable and super dangerous:

And that thing she wore that time she was the lead in an adaptation of a Danielle Steele novel:

 Archives: Jessica Chastain, Gwen Stefani

(8) EVA LONGORIA vs. (9) CHRISTA B. ALLEN

In which the Widow Longoria takes on my least favorite part of Revenge, which is saying A LOT:

I mean, are we really still doing this? And THIS? Are we REALLY still doing THIS?

REALLY? But maybe it’s better to keep rolling around in the black lace sheer drama like everyone else in this bracket when your other option is to wear an origami napkin:

Make it stop. Make it ALL stop, this included:

Also this:

And definitely this. We have to stop this:

(Wow, she really looks like Jennifer Garner in that shot, doesn’t she?) But most of all, I just really want you to drink this in before you vote:

Judging from the step-and-repeat, this must have been around Halloween, although I don’t think it’s a costume. If it is….could she be in costume as….THE WIDOW LONGORIA?

Archives: Eva Longoria, Christa B Allen

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Comments (67):

  1. Kate S
    0

    Eva has been doing the same desperate-tacky for YEARS! How is she currently losing?

    • LoriK
      0

      Word. Christa is young enough to have some excuse. Eva should know better.

      • Mary
        0

        Totally agree… I’m surprised she’s losing… It’s gotta be because of that last picture which was a definite wtf…

    • Trent
      0

      Right? That was the only hard decision in this entire bracket. I think Christa is winning solely because of that ridiculous batwing costume that closed out the matchup…

    • Helen
      0

      Because she’s up against Christa B. Allen, who doesn’t have any personal style. She obviously wears whatever some idiot puts her in, which almost never works, but it’s consistently inconsistent.

      Such a lovely girl, it’s a real shame.

      Longoria does often look bad in her own way, but she has her own way.

      • LoriK
        0

        She’s 21. Plenty of 21 year olds haven’t settled on a personal style. The Widow Longoria has her own way, but it’s tired and often ugly and unflattering, plus it’s starting to look more than a little desperate. Not good.

        • Helen
          0

          Not everyone ever finds a personal style, either. It just isn’t given to all of us. I don’t fault Allen for this – it’s her stylist(s) who’s screwing up.

        • Guerra
          0

          I don’t agree you can’t have style at 21 at all!! Especially with all the help & enough money/ people lending you things & the ability to have some one pick out or look at your outfits before you leave the house.. I could of done wayyy better when I was 21

    • Sara
      0

      YES! How is Eva not dominating this? I’m bewildered.

    • Kyasarin
      0

      Because even desperate-tacky gets boring. At Fug Madness, we do not reward boring. Bring me the fresh crap, the new errors in judgment that have not yet gone stale.

    • amanda
      0

      I think because we are all soooo sick of her. At least CBA is a new and interesting Fug.

  2. Kris
    0

    When I saw that second Christa B Allen dress, I involuntarily made a noise like a heron choking on an aardvark. And I fully admit to being wrong about Ke$ha improving. Good lord.

    • Helen
      0

      Heh, yeah. I kinda didn’t want to vote Ke$ha, because she makes me laugh and so I like her, but I had to.

      A heron would totally try to eat an aardvark. Those guys are rapacious.

      • cc
        0

        I didn’t want to vote for Ke$ha because I don’t like rewarding attention seeking behavior. Because apparently I’m her guardian lol.

  3. Abby
    0

    A brief focus on the good: the first and penultimate photos are making me want neon pumps quite badly.

    Wait, that’s not good?

    • bex
      0

      No- those are both seriously great neon pumps. It’s good. But KStew’s outfit is a horror, even if I adore the color scheme. I don’t hate CBAllen’s neon pump outfit…I actually kind of love it. Like, I really love it. Except for her war paint which makes her look like we all did in middle school when we first discovered eyeliner. And the last look? Leave the Stevie Nicksing to Stevie Nicks.

      • pantsonfire
        0

        I, too, adore that color scheme. The mint with the neon is to. die. for. This makes the horror of that dress (?) all the more painful. So much potential squandered. Though I must confess that the thing that bugs me the most about it is that it is SUPER TOO SMALL.

  4. Caroline
    0

    Does Stewart’s Liza Minnelli outfit have a codpiece?

  5. jen310
    0

    I can’t vote for Lady Mary. Mostly because: 1. Her style is not as offensive as KStew and 2. She’s Lady F’ing Mary. And really, that black lace sequin jumpsuit mess really seals the win for KStew. That thing is fugging heinous. It truly is.

    Ooooh, KNast (I won’t with that symbol in her name) looks like she showered and threw a lot of slap on her face yet she still looks unclean. Her cracked-out, glitterly leotard, dumpster-dive party chic is high fug and not doing her any favors. Fugly in and out.

    Jessica is another “sooooo pretty, why can’t she dress herself stylishly,” problem child.
    She’s got the looks, she’s got the bod, why can’t she get the wardrobe down. She’s got this because Gwen is pulling off her rock star fug look.

    Eva looks good in her fug too. Christa just looks craptastic. Not in the face, just in the styling. The bodysuit/jeans/flowy jacket/hat combo burns my eyes AND MY SOUL.

    • Helen
      0

      Completely agree on Chastain and Stefani. Gwen’s look is very deliberate and often, I’d say mostly, works on her. Chastain, except for those occasional times when she’s spectacular, usually looks like an accident with a wardrobe randomizer.

      • anabels
        0

        “an accident with a wardrobe randomiser” might be my favourite phrase for this week! Brilliant

      • Kelly Neely Olsakovsky
        0

        Chastain also tends to do better off the red carpet, which makes the gowns that much worse. She looks put-together heading in to her play in NYC. She just needs a good stylist, or a very good friend to say “honey, no.”

        Gwen’s style is very purposeful, so even when it’s a little, well, different than what I’d personally choose, it’s very True To Gwen, which is not nearly as batsh*t crazy as many, many others. (Plus, I may still kind of play the hell out of Tragic Kingdom and cannot be held responsible for forgiving her a multitude of sins.)

  6. Verlaine
    0

    Oh, my beloved KStew. You will go far in Fug Madness this year, mark my words. Here’s hoping it leads to better times for you, and better sartorial choices.

  7. Sarah B
    0

    To be honest, I kind of admire Kristen Stewart’s commitment to dressing unapologetically sexy in the face of all the cheating stuff. I think most actresses would immediately enter into Extreme Modesty Tour 2012, but she just kept on not giving a fuck in terms of how much skin she’s showing. I can respect that. Now if only she could have picked some attractive sexy dresses….

    • Annie S.
      0

      See, I never read “sexy” from any of those lace monstrosities. Provocative, yes; oddly exploitative, yes; sexy? Hell no. She looks entirely too uncomfortable to exude any kind of sex appeal. The sexiest outfit she wore, IMO, was this one: http://www.laineygossip.com/Kristen-Stewart%E2%80%99s-steeze-is-back-at-NY-screening-of-On-The-Road/24578

      And, ironically, she’s fully clothed.

      • pantsonfire
        0

        Well played. A thousand times yes. She oozes hotness in that outfit you linked. Nice. She can be really intriguing, stylistically.

        And I absolutely agree that none of those above-featured outfits read sexy to me. Like, not at all. I wouldn’t say they read exploitative, either. Just uncomfortable. Trying to dress her in clothes that were ostensibly on trend and feminine, without as much regard to her own personal, innate style. So, they read, stiff, unnatural, uncomfortable, and awkward. But never sexual.

        • Corriner
          0

          If you go to her archives, there is a photo of the BACK VIEW of the beige gown monstrosity. She is wearing NUDE GRANNY PANTIES. In what universe are nude granny panties considered sexy??!

          Sensible and comfortable, maybe, but sexy? NO! Esp. when you can see them through your sheer gown.

          Egads!

      • Katharine
        0

        My favourite dress on Kristen Stewart last year was the Balenciaga she wore at Cannes – seriously, if you can look like that, why are you fugging it up in these frock horrors and abominable jumpsuits. Some blame may go to her stylist, who may be pushing her to be “edgy”. She’s blessed with scaled down model proportions, so she can fit sample sizes, but she doesn’t have the joie de vivre or fashion nous to carry off extreme looks. On another girl, the sparkly jumpsuit may have read as campy fun (Vanessa Hudgens?) – on KStew it just seems that the joke’s on her.

    • tracy
      0

      Considering she was doing these promo stops with the guy she cheated on and humiliated though, it was just…uncomfortable for me. I don’t think covering up and acting humble, even just to be respectful to him would be much to ask.

      Plus, the outfits were just unflattering and she didn’t look like she even wanted to be wearing them.

      Lady Mary honestly can’t compete with that level of tackiness at all.

  8. camille
    0

    CHASTAIN YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL WHAT THE HELL.

    I have K.Stew going a long, long way this year. Other people might be wearing objectively more horrible things on specific occasions, but her body of work is just so… bad.

  9. Alma
    0

    I actually think everything Gwen’s wearing looks GOOD, because she has some wizard powers of cool or something.

    • lamoll
      0

      Totally agree! She looks great!

      • Helen
        0

        Yes. Gwen Stefani is no mere mortal.

        And yet, I don’t find it intimidating, either. She’s very approachable – I think I’d like her if we ever met.

  10. Edith
    0

    My 10 year old is home sick from school. We got through Kristen’s insane transparency addiction, but when we got to that first picture of Chastain she could no longer contain herself: “Why was everyone naked this year? And this woman’s naked and SQUASHED. I don’t want to see her SQUASHED BOSOMS.”

    That makes two of us.

    • Janice Marie
      0

      I’m in love with the fact that your daughter uses the word ‘bosoms’.

      • Edith
        0

        Hee! It comes from “Brimful of Asha” being her favorite song as a toddler (the refrain is “Everybody needs a bosom for a pillow.”) She once declared that she liked that song because it was about her.

  11. PB
    0

    Good God. Dockery doesn’t stand a chance. That’s like sending a mouse to kill a lion.

  12. Callie
    0

    Jessica Chastain, much like January Jones, needs to be arrested for crimes against her own beauty.

  13. Cristina
    0

    Man, I feel really bad about voting for Jessica Chastain’s fug, but…dude.

  14. scone
    0

    I think this may come down to the Biebs vs. KStew in the end.

    • Neil
      0

      I agree it could be Stew vs. Biebs, so whether Kesha outfugged some other unknown (to me, anyway) really doesn’t matter. Kristen was such a shocking hot mess all year.

  15. Cassandra
    0

    I am completely in love with Allen’s leather(?) shorts, colorful top, and neon shoes outfit! Her hair and make up are bad, but I want all of the clothes.

  16. Kit
    0

    The Jessic/Gwen bracket was closer than I remembered – I think I blocked all those bad Gwen looks or something. :)

  17. Anna
    0

    I fell bad for voting for La Chastain, I really like her (and remember all her street looks from the stage door at her broadway play? Those were great). But Gwen just makes everything look good, she’s that cool.

    Agree with all of you who think Kristen Stewart is a strong contender for this Fug Madness. That jumpsuit will get her far.

  18. Corriner
    0

    Can we all take a moment and bow down to whatever prescient casting director cast Christa B. Allen as a young Jennifer Garner in 13 Going on 30?

    The resemblance is SPOT. ON.

    Like, I wouldn’t be surprised if they starred in another movie together (preferably on Lifetime so we can Fug the Fromage it) just because of the likeness. I would watch that!!!

  19. Alicia (foodycat)
    0

    I thought K£sha’s (currency changed for purely comedic purposes) makeup was Adam Ant rather than Michael Stipe.

  20. Mary Urech Stallings
    0

    Is she wearing a codpiece in that black lacy jumpsuit?

  21. Elizabeth
    0

    Why is Christa dressed like a clown from the Goth Rodeo in the last picture? Also, how did I miss this the first time? I cherish her.

  22. Sarita
    0

    Eva L. is giving me some dollar store La Lopez feels right now.

  23. Babs Johnson
    0

    Okay, so KStew’s jumpsuit is definitely heinous, but at least has some ‘razzle dazzle’ quality to it. Strangely for me, it is the SWATH tour lace dress with the Insane Clown Posse/ sullen terrier face with underlying mustache that I find much more disturbing. Good lord.

  24. Babs Johnson
    0

    The terrier actually looks happier than I thought. Well, that’s good at least?

  25. TonyG
    0

    My choices were Kristen, KeDollarSignha, Jessica and Christa. And, like Fug Nation, these were runaway easy choices. I hated voting for Jessica Chastain as I am generally fond of her and not so fond of Gwen Stefani. But when fug speaks so loudly, you gotta listen.

  26. Nora
    0

    Ok the comment about Gwen in the “Stella McCartney jumpsuit (which she is ALMOST pulling off because she is in seriously INSANELY GOOD shape, like, why am I not typing this on one of those desks that are attached to a treadmill?)” made me so happy because I was reading this post and writing this comment from one of those desks attached to a treadmill! Really! (I am very out of shape and recently bought it hoping it would help me get into shape.) I’m currently at 2.71 miles this surfing session. So yeah. This random comment gave me a weird sense of encouragement. So thank you! thank you!

  27. agcons
    0

    Stewart had an excellent year, and I agree she’ll go far. She should, if only for that wretched shower-curtain-over-knickers THING in the first photo.

    Chastain is gorgeous and there is no excuse for all the misses. Her GG dress is all kinds of horrendous; it looks like someone unrolled a bolt of fabric and threw it in her general direction.

    Ke$ha also makes me laugh, and to date she automatically gets my vote regardless of her competition. Mind you, if she were competing against Darling Nicki I’d have a tough time deciding.

    Longoria and Allen just made me cranky in equal measure.

  28. Art Eclectic
    0

    I really think we need a Longoria/Klum cage match. Wax job against wax job. Excessive reliance of slit against excessive reliance of slit. Those two are pretty much doing the same schtick, who does it better?

  29. Lucille Austero
    0

    Now all I can think of is how much I want Schmidt to play Fug Madness with me. He would have an opinion on EVERYTHING. And he would HATE my opinions and talk at me incessantly until I caved and agreed with him. Which I would have from the start but I would have pretended to disagree just to keep him talking. Oh, Schmidt.

  30. lisa
    0

    I think this whole Cher thing suits her. She looks like shit in anything else. She isn’t typical so why expect typical shit from her. I would respect her more if she wore stuff like this all the time, actually Stella McCartney should start her own line just for Kristen. They would work well together.

  31. SaraK
    0

    I am way behind on Fug Madness, so no one will probably ever see this comment, but I cannot resist making it anyway:

    The rest of this post makes Lady Mary look like a Well Played. If it were me picking the FM contestants (and thank God it isn’t, because what huge job that must be!), she would only have been seeded at all because I love her too much to leave her out. But she’s hopelessly outclassed. Even her lady’s maid can do better. See, here’s Joanne Froggett looking so much fuggier just today: http://gofugyourself.com/fugtown-abbey-03-2013 Now THERE’s a serious contender for FM2014.